Texas has passed the most restrictive abortion law of any state yet. The new regulations will go into effect the end of this month. Before I get into this, let me make clear that I am most definitely pro-life. I am against abortion. I believe God is the giver of all life and should be the one who decides when life should end. Maybe I will blog another time about why I believe that. Really, it goes beyond my faith! I decided at 11 years old I was pro-life before I really knew anything about my faith!
When the battle over the legislation was in full force I did my share of Facebook shares of the information. I asked my state representatives and senator to support the bill. And I can say with some certainty that the results of the now law that I will discuss here most likely saved a baby in my own family. I believe in it. I am thankful for it.
However, I fear most who marched on the steps of the Texas Capital or posted their support from their computer on Facebook celebrated once the bill passed into law, but now what? You see the bill being passed was the pebble...or quite possibly the boulder...that was thrown into the lake. But the ripples are just now starting! There are consequences of legislation. There will no doubt be babies saved because this stricter legislation has shut down abortion clinics. Praise God! Women's lives will also be saved as stricter regulations will provide for cleaner and more professional settings for those who do choose to abort a baby. You can read about some of the ripples already starting in DallasNews and the Star-Telegram. The effects are real.
But there is more. I sat talking to one of our adoptive families right after the legislation passed. This is a family who is not looking for a baby. They are one of my heroes who are committed to providing a home for one or two of the older kids who wait in our foster system. But in our conversation, the husband made a comment that left a knot in my stomach. He said something like, "The agency is going to explode now with all the babies that aren't aborted!" I can honestly say I had not thought of that. But since that day, it has not left me.
Here's the facts. The legislation will no doubt prevent some abortions. Babies will be saved. But what then? What happens to that baby? Most women who are considering abortion are in that place because they feel unprepared to parent a child for a multitude of reasons. So what do we do now with a mom who doesn't want to be a mom? Let me stop here and say that I know there will be many, probably most, women who by the end of their pregnancy will have come to a place where they are grateful they did not abort and will have made whatever changes or sacrifices needed to be made to go on to be amazing mothers for their new baby. I don't believe nor intend to allude here that all babies not aborted will not be parented by the women who birth them. But what about those who aren't?
If those of us on the pro-life side are sitting back thinking the work is done, well, we are clueless. If we think for one minute that the pro-choice activists are not watching every statistic in our state - child abuse numbers, Women, Infant and Children's Nutrition numbers, Child Protective Services numbers, infant mortality numbers - then we are more than naive. All of this will be monitored. If we don't provide an intervention for those babies that this law saves, then we have failed. I fear that most see the law as the victory, and they are done. But really, the work has only begun!
This is how it looks in my world. Eight of the nine children who I am raising should have been aborted by most pro-choice standards. Only one of my children was a planned pregnancy, and the other eight were God-given blessings with un-planned pregnancies. Six of those eight children met most if not all of the bullet points for why women should abort. They were in poverty, some were into drugs and other detrimental habits. One of my children was conceived after two pregnancies had been terminated by abortion. Only by God's grace does this child breath life! I remember being in high school and being in the abortion debate in my government class. My teacher was pro-choice. There were several of us in the class who were pro-life, and we were all very outspoken about it. I will never forget during one of the debates, Ms. Fowler said, "I wish all those who want to keep these babies alive would put their money where their mouth is and raise them instead of letting the government do it." I was highly offended that day, but even deep down in the gut of a immature high school girl, I knew she had a point. I have no idea where Ms. Fowler is today, but I would love to tell her that I have to agree with her now! Not much I can say that about, but on that fact, I agree! And I would love to look her in the eyes and say, I put my money, my time, my life where my mouth is! Thank you for the challenge!
I am sure many would say, "there are so many families waiting for a baby, that will not be a problem!" Maybe so, but what about those babies who are born with the birth defects? What about the babies who are born addicted to drugs? What about the babies who have been exposed to alcohol and you have no way of knowing just what that fact will mean for you or your child until they are older? Very few of those waiting families are willing to take those babies. And what about the babies that don't look like those families? You know, the darker ones that are already difficult for agencies to place with families. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but it does us no good to ignore reality!
Let me take it a step further. What about the 13,000 children who are currently in the foster system in Texas whose parents did choose life? Obviously those parents were not ready to be parents for some reason or their children would not be in the custody of the state. Some of those parents will get another chance, and their children will be returned. What about the ones that will not be returned? What about the over 6,000 children who right now sit in the foster system with parents' rights terminated ready to be adopted.....but no families to adopt them? Their parents chose life when legislation didn't dictate it. What are we doing about it?
"We" is such a vague word, isn't it. It's kind of like "they". So who is "we"? Well, in this case, I would say "we" starts with anyone who wrote a letter, posted on their Facebook page, marched on the lawn, or otherwise supported the legislation to provide stricter abortion laws in any way. You are "we"! Thank you for your part in getting the legislation passed! I sincerely mean that! I am thankful! But you can't stop there! You have to now provide an answer for those parents who choose life because abortions are no longer readily available! We have to provide a solution to the ripples coming from the pebble that was tossed!
But honestly, the "we" is much bigger than that group of people. And really, this is the "we" I want to reach out to here! The bigger "we" is the Church! Are we not called to provide answers to a lost world? Is the Church not called to care for the least of these? First John 3:17-18 says it best, "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." My question is when is the Church going to quit talking about it and start doing it? There are over 6,000 children in Texas waiting on you! You realize that it would take less than one family per church in the state to adopt in order to completely empty the state of Texas of waiting children? That is insane! What are we waiting for? If you are not convinced, read James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
If this legislation becomes the basis to fight all other legislation in every other state because we, the Church, does not stand up with answers to these girls who are in crisis pregnancies, then we have failed. Will you help? Will you take this message to your church leaders? Will you take the initiative to look up an adoption agency in your area? Friends in Midland or Odessa and surrounding areas in West Texas, we would gladly send an Addy's Hope representative to speak to your pastor or even your congregation about adoption as an educational meeting. We can give you resources to hand to women in crisis pregnancy. Adoption should be the last option for these girls. We can help give you resources to put in their hands to give them every opportunity to parent. If they are still unable to parent, we would love to provide them with the option of adoption by a Christian family! If you are in the Dallas or Fort Worth area, I can come speak to your pastor and/or congregation. Help spread the word that the battle over abortion is not over in Texas, but I believe it has just started! Let's give our fellow pro-life warriors in other states numbers to support pro-life legislation in their state! And in the mean time, we will be saving a generation from the hands of the enemy. And in my books, that is a win/win deal!
If you need resources for a woman in crisis pregnancy or would like more information on how to be the answer to the children already here and needing a family, I would be happy to help. You can reach me by e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com or by phone at 432.897.1503. Our website is under construction, but will be a great resource very soon! If you are a pastor reading this, please take a Sunday night, Wednesday night or at least the corner of your bulletin or a flash on your screen for announcements to educate your congregation on the answers to crisis pregnancies and the need for adoptive families for children in foster care!
We, the Church, have The Answer! It's time we start sharing it in more ways than just inside our church walls! Let's be the answer!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
A little of our story....
As we start a new season, we meet people who don't know our story. As I was thinking about what took us from Liberia to waiting children right here in the US, I remembered that I had written a piece for our Addy's Show Playbill. It tells a bit about the path that God put us on to get us here...and my heart about these children. So here it is:
Welcome to the first ever Addy's Show! Thank you for coming and supporting Addy's Hope and our efforts to find homes for the waiting children of Texas.
Four years ago John and I were asked to take a two year old little boy as a foster placement. We asked to visit him before giving an answer on the placement. Walking out of the "emergency shelter" that housed 25 children ages 5 years old and younger right here in Midland, Texas, I was forever changed. I had been in many orphanages in Africa, but had no idea there was one in my own backyard. It was that visit that brought John and I to the realization of the orphan crisis right here in Texas! I soon learned that over 6,000 children were waiting in our foster system for adoptive families. I then learned there were no adoption fees to adopt these children and most qualify for adoption subsidies that will continue until their 18th birthday. They receive free college tuition to any state school in Texas and have medicaid coverage for medical expenses even after the adoption is finalized. We knew we could not take this information and simply walk away from it. Once made aware of an injustice, you can no longer plead ignorance as reason to ignore the crisis. John and I answered the crisis by adopting a waiting child personally and also by making a commitment to work with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to recruit and train families to bring God's orphans home!
James 1 says that we are to be "doers" and not merely "hearers" of the Word. Please do not leave here as a man who looks in a mirror and walks away forgetting what he saw. These children need you! Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can do something! Help us spread the word about the crisis of these children in our social welfare system. Read the statistics in the halls between their pictures. We have to stop this cycle now. The future of our nation hinges on us getting these children into families and changing their destination. We need financial supporters to help us keep our program running since families do not pay adoption fees, and the fees paid by the state do not cover the hours it takes to train and support a family through an entire adoption process and beyond. You can also be a team member for a family who is adopting. Team members provide meals, babysit, clean a house or just listen when parents need an empathetic ear. There is some way that every one can be a part of finding families for these children! We truly believe there are no unwanted children, only unfound families. We need your help finding homes for these children!
The children you have met tonight in the pages you are holding and in the halls as you walked into the theater need you. Please consider how you can help. If you would like more information on how to adopt one of these children, call me at 432.897.1503 or send me an e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com. Together, we can empty the foster system of these waiting children and answer God's call to bring His children home!
I would like to personally thank all of our sponsors! Without you, this would still be only a dream! The playbill you hold as well as all the amazing publications for tonight were the work of the amazingly talented Rachel Austin and Eric Huecker! Rachel & Eric, your support of our work and your heart for these children blesses me and spurs me on in the work that I do! Thank you! Holly Bartlett, thank you for stuffing and mailing countless support letters to help make tonight as successful as possible! Skip Ziegler, your knowledge and love of technology has made Addy's Show high tech tonight. Thank you for using your talents for God's children. Katie Bailey, we did it! Thank you for having this vision and putting in the work it took to make it a reality! I am forever grateful for all you have done for Addy's Hope. And to our amazing cast, there are no words to express my gratitude for the countless hours you have spent in preparation! I pray God's blessing on you and your families for the sacrifices made to make tonight possible! You have played a part in every child that finds a home from the fires that are sparked tonight! To my children, Paizley, Callie, Noah, Toben, Ava, Madison & Journey, thank you for letting me tell your stories! Thank you for loving being the "weird" family as much as I do! I love you to the moon and back! John, thank you for taking this journey with me! Thank you for supporting our family so I can chase my calling! Thank you for saying "yes" to God and getting the ball rolling for Addy's Hope nine years ago when I still thought it was impossible! Thank you for wiping the tears I cry for the children I serve and always reminding me why we do this thing we do. I love you! And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting me with the call of Your children. I pray tonight has been pleasing to You, and I ask that you leave the faces of these children imprinted on those You have brought here tonight until they all have homes!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Free Will, My Choice, Sacrifice and Warfare
So the move was to our promised land. However, it's felt more like the 40 years in the wilderness compacted into three weeks. It has greatly frustrated me that things have not gone smoothly. I mean we stepped out in faith, right?! God provided this job...that was the faith step and where it was supposed to end, the rest was just supposed to be rainbows and roses. When we walked through the door of this home we were supposed to walk into a mecca of peace, blessings and happily ever after. I mean, that's how it's supposed to work when you take a big leap of faith, right?
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
Sunday, September 15, 2013
The Move: Some Random Thoughts
I have so many blog posts that I need to write! It's been a rough three weeks! But God has shown Himself. So maybe I will have time to really write out my thoughts soon, but for now, here are some rather random thoughts, interesting items from our time here so far:
- When you start a faith journey, it is very exciting. Walking out the faith journey in the great big middle of the circumstances is hard.
- When the circumstances of your faith walk start to overwhelm you, you want to turn back (I've given myself the nick name Izzy because I sound much like the Israelites lately wanting to go back to Egypt!), but thankful there is a point of no return where you have to either keep walking toward the goal or check out of life altogether.
- Moving with 8 children is INSANE!
- God provides in miraculous ways when you trust him....like the day we had $75 in the checking account, payday was still two weeks away and a bill for $150 was set to pay the next day with no resources to put any more in the checking account. John goes to the mailbox and there is over $600 total from two checks, one we had been expecting, and one over $400 that we had not been...a refund on over payment of a medical bill.
- Trusting God is HARD when you are paying a mortgage and a lease!
- When God calls you as parents to something/somewhere, He calls your kids too which means he prepares them! We have not had ONE SINGLE complaint from any of the kids despite arriving at 1:00 am on the first day of school in a totally new place, adjusting to new schools and new church! My kids and my God ROCK!
- Trying to unpack boxes with 4 children ages 3 and under is INSANE!
- The Body of Christ is amazing.....the first week we were here, three families from a church whose pastor I had been e-mailing came and fed us pizza, helped us unpack, worshiped with us, prayed over our home and breathed life into what was becoming a very depressing situation for me!
- God knows when you are truly crying out in desperation, and He sends help!
- Four kids ages 3 and under means you are pretty well stuck at home until reinforcements arrive.
- It takes exactly 8.3 minutes to load 4 napping toddlers/infant in the car including three trips upstairs!
- The enemy doesn't like it when you are determined to walk into your promised land.
- I have some more maturing to do....I am still not very good at persevering through tough circumstances.
- Part time daycare may be available but it is OUTRAGEOUS!
- If you leave the house right as school lets out, you will cut your wait in the pick up line by at least 15 minutes and as long as you leave with in 5 minutes after school lets out, you will not be the last car in the pick up line.
- I can get anywhere eventually as long as I can find a place for a U-turn - and that's not always easy in Big Momma!
- The "Around Me" app is sometimes as confused as I am (I've ended up in a field and a neighborhood when going to a business according to the app).
There's so much more....but that gives you a small look into our first three weeks here! Hopefully I can sit and really write soon!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
saying goodbye..
Today I said goodbye to my home. It wasn't a house. It was a home! We have lived there 6 years as of last month. Prior to that, John and I had lived in 8 houses in 9 years of marriage! Don't ask...and it was not my idea! But yesterday I said goodbye to this place
When we moved in, we had three children: Callie 6, Noah 5 and Ava 1. While living here, we would bring home five children and then two grand children! The amount of life we did in this house could never have been dreamed when we walked through that front door 6 years ago!
I have spent many hours sitting at this spot, looking out these windows, studying God's Word and then praying it back to Him. I have pleaded for children to come home, pleaded for children to stay home, pleaded for the safe arrival of my unborn child and pleaded for the return of my wayward child while looking out these windows. I have watched the hand prints move up as little ones have become young people only to have the little hands replaced by those coming behind them. I paced back and forth in front of these windows asking God why children were stuck in Liberia and then listening for the directions of my part in the fight to free them.
And the kitchen! It was proof of God's love! Now I leave it. If I am honest, I will tell you I struggle with that. I am not sure of that piece of the puzzle yet. But I choose to believe He wouldn't remove the token of His love for me without providing something amazing in it's place! But really, isn't it beautiful! Truly a dream come true...a provision for then and for now as it will allow us to make more than before on the sale of our house. A work of heart for John. The hours, sweat, and even probably some tears that went into making it what it is now are forever written on my heart.
And the pool! The hours of time spent bonding as a family in this place made a pool a must in our new house! The laughs and incredible moments we have spent as a family here are too numerous to even count! It's what we all love! It's what a large family ranging in age from 18-0 can afford to do and all enjoy. The times John and I sat on the porch and struggled through the reality of some of the seasons in this home. The late night swims to just relax after kids went to bed.....yes, we've lived a lot of life in this place!
This story is still being written. We don't have a buyer for our house. We are moving forward in faith trusting God to provide! We had to split our family to move. As I am typing I am sitting in a hotel room while the other four are at school for their first day (I think dropping four kids off at a new school is worse than the first day of kinder!), John is home - see, I typed it without even thinking, he is home- watching the movers load all our possessions into a truck. He has the four babies with him. Yes, he is an amazing man! Four babies three and under! We will not be reunited until Thursday when once again my entire family....minus one of course, another story still being written... will be under one roof, a new roof. And we will begin a new chapter. A new chapter that promises to restore what has been taken in some areas of these past years. A chapter that has all of us excited about what is next. Hopefully not 5 more children, your're welcome John, but full of God's blessings to provide, train and grow the children we have. We are so thankful! Thankful for what we have to leave behind and thankful for the hope we have for what we are leaving to!
When we moved in, we had three children: Callie 6, Noah 5 and Ava 1. While living here, we would bring home five children and then two grand children! The amount of life we did in this house could never have been dreamed when we walked through that front door 6 years ago!
I have spent many hours sitting at this spot, looking out these windows, studying God's Word and then praying it back to Him. I have pleaded for children to come home, pleaded for children to stay home, pleaded for the safe arrival of my unborn child and pleaded for the return of my wayward child while looking out these windows. I have watched the hand prints move up as little ones have become young people only to have the little hands replaced by those coming behind them. I paced back and forth in front of these windows asking God why children were stuck in Liberia and then listening for the directions of my part in the fight to free them.
This table in this room has been the place of too many celebrations to count~ birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the list goes on! It was at this table that Paizley left the foster system forever as we signed her adoptive placement papers on Christmas Eve. This table was where I worked our budget over and over to find the formula that would provide within the blessings God had provided us. It's where the Addy's Hope board met many times to plan and dream and pull off all that they have accomplished over the past 6 years! One of my most favorite memories in this room is right after Toben came home we had a joint birthday for him and Callie. We were saying the prayer before we ate, and I looked down to see Toben's and Ava's tiny fingers intertwined during the prayer. My dream had come true! There before me were the white and black fingers of my children, together!
As I opened these blinds one last time, I was taken back to the early days when we moved in. I was fighting the grips of postpartum depression. I would hold my baby girl in her beautiful nursery with the words "A baby is God's promise that life will go on" written above the windows as I opened each blind. As the light of the day flooded the room, I would say, "Hello world! Today the light of Jesus will flood this darkness in me just like the light of these windows flood this room!" Years later, these walls would welcome our dear Madison. Though we thought it might just be temporary, now she is forever ours!
And the pool! The hours of time spent bonding as a family in this place made a pool a must in our new house! The laughs and incredible moments we have spent as a family here are too numerous to even count! It's what we all love! It's what a large family ranging in age from 18-0 can afford to do and all enjoy. The times John and I sat on the porch and struggled through the reality of some of the seasons in this home. The late night swims to just relax after kids went to bed.....yes, we've lived a lot of life in this place!
This story is still being written. We don't have a buyer for our house. We are moving forward in faith trusting God to provide! We had to split our family to move. As I am typing I am sitting in a hotel room while the other four are at school for their first day (I think dropping four kids off at a new school is worse than the first day of kinder!), John is home - see, I typed it without even thinking, he is home- watching the movers load all our possessions into a truck. He has the four babies with him. Yes, he is an amazing man! Four babies three and under! We will not be reunited until Thursday when once again my entire family....minus one of course, another story still being written... will be under one roof, a new roof. And we will begin a new chapter. A new chapter that promises to restore what has been taken in some areas of these past years. A chapter that has all of us excited about what is next. Hopefully not 5 more children, your're welcome John, but full of God's blessings to provide, train and grow the children we have. We are so thankful! Thankful for what we have to leave behind and thankful for the hope we have for what we are leaving to!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Just a little update on the move....
We are 4 days away from leaving the house we've called home for 6 years! The past two weeks have been rough! The reality of leaving friends that have been family for the past years. John and I do not have a lot of "social" friends as we have led kind of a secluded life the past few years with all the kids coming home, but we have tons of friends who we "do life" with! Friends who will help us out in a pinch, be a shoulder to cry on when we are hurting, put us back in line when we fall out! Each day brings a new good-bye. That has been extremely difficult.
Then there's the whole house situation. Our buyers did not get a buyer for their house, so as of yesterday, our house is back on market as active and no longer under contract. We have prayed, asked friends to pray - we even went to the open house at our buyer's house and prayer walked the place asking God to provide a buyer and releasing His favor of the house and the entire situation. Still no buyer.
I don't understand it. I have been frustrated about it, angry with God about it, discouraged at times about it. However, there is still that faith inside of me that believes in the end it will all work for our good. I find the scriptures God has given me for the journey popping up in my mind at the times when all hope seems lost, and the flicker returns. It has been hard. I have had my moments of wishing we had never started the journey and were back the comfortable flow of life before this faith walk began. But then I read my journal and remember the promises of God. I remember why He said we started the journey in the first place. And the flicker grows a little.
Yesterday should have been a pretty rough day, and honestly, I was dreading it. The days before I had to really struggle to not let my thoughts and my emotions get the best of me. But yesterday despite the news that there was no buyer and the contract would end, I had a feeling of excitement inside. I wasn't discouraged, a little frustrated, definitely wondering why God couldn't have let that work, but not down. I found myself saying things like, "Let's see what God will do now! It's an opportunity for Him to work an even bigger miracle!" I remembered the versus that started this journey..faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see! Once again, the circumstances look pretty bleak! However, my faith says God is still on His throne and God's word promises in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. We've done the, "what if" game! "What if we hadn't taken that contract? What if we hadn't decided to lease the other house?" But then we remember that we haven't taken a single step in this journey without waiting on a clear and direct answer from Him. So that means, there will be reward! His Word promises it! So I am standing on those truths, excitedly expectant for what will happen!
In the mean time, we are trying to move out the boxes to get the house ready for that first showing! Packing like crazy people while trying to tie up lose ends like doctor's appointments, etc. We have leased the house we are moving to, but it will not be ready until the 29th! So the oldest four and I are going to leave Monday and stay in a hotel so they can start school on the first day. Not how I had things planned, and definitely not how I wanted things to go, but trusting that God is good and He has a plan that is for my good! Even in the chaos there are provisions...like John has enough hotel points to pay for our hotel for all three nights. My parents are traveling up with us to help us move in and are bringing the two dogs with them. Is it how I would do it all? No! I would have the movie moment where we all stand in the front yard, shut the front door for the last time and drive off into our future. But since God holds my future, I'm ok doing it His way without the movie ending because His Word promises His way is more than I could have ever hoped or imagined and I am counting on that!
Then there's the whole house situation. Our buyers did not get a buyer for their house, so as of yesterday, our house is back on market as active and no longer under contract. We have prayed, asked friends to pray - we even went to the open house at our buyer's house and prayer walked the place asking God to provide a buyer and releasing His favor of the house and the entire situation. Still no buyer.
I don't understand it. I have been frustrated about it, angry with God about it, discouraged at times about it. However, there is still that faith inside of me that believes in the end it will all work for our good. I find the scriptures God has given me for the journey popping up in my mind at the times when all hope seems lost, and the flicker returns. It has been hard. I have had my moments of wishing we had never started the journey and were back the comfortable flow of life before this faith walk began. But then I read my journal and remember the promises of God. I remember why He said we started the journey in the first place. And the flicker grows a little.
Yesterday should have been a pretty rough day, and honestly, I was dreading it. The days before I had to really struggle to not let my thoughts and my emotions get the best of me. But yesterday despite the news that there was no buyer and the contract would end, I had a feeling of excitement inside. I wasn't discouraged, a little frustrated, definitely wondering why God couldn't have let that work, but not down. I found myself saying things like, "Let's see what God will do now! It's an opportunity for Him to work an even bigger miracle!" I remembered the versus that started this journey..faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see! Once again, the circumstances look pretty bleak! However, my faith says God is still on His throne and God's word promises in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. We've done the, "what if" game! "What if we hadn't taken that contract? What if we hadn't decided to lease the other house?" But then we remember that we haven't taken a single step in this journey without waiting on a clear and direct answer from Him. So that means, there will be reward! His Word promises it! So I am standing on those truths, excitedly expectant for what will happen!
In the mean time, we are trying to move out the boxes to get the house ready for that first showing! Packing like crazy people while trying to tie up lose ends like doctor's appointments, etc. We have leased the house we are moving to, but it will not be ready until the 29th! So the oldest four and I are going to leave Monday and stay in a hotel so they can start school on the first day. Not how I had things planned, and definitely not how I wanted things to go, but trusting that God is good and He has a plan that is for my good! Even in the chaos there are provisions...like John has enough hotel points to pay for our hotel for all three nights. My parents are traveling up with us to help us move in and are bringing the two dogs with them. Is it how I would do it all? No! I would have the movie moment where we all stand in the front yard, shut the front door for the last time and drive off into our future. But since God holds my future, I'm ok doing it His way without the movie ending because His Word promises His way is more than I could have ever hoped or imagined and I am counting on that!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The Struggle and the Lie
God always challenges me to share my journeys openly...all of my journey! He reminds me that I don't need to just share the great moments of seeing how it all fits together, but also the wrestling and the struggles that get me to the moments of revelation. So in true transparency, I will share my journey over the past few days with you.
There is a phrase I often hear when people talk about the challenges they face when saying "yes" to God in any area. You will often hear people talk of "new level, new devil". I too have said this in my ignorance of spiritual warfare and the reality of our enemy. I heard it again just a few days ago, and the hair on the back of my neck came up! That phrase indicates that the devil has the ability to grow or to gain new insight into us. That is simply a lie from the pit of hell! The devil has no new schemes other than those used from the beginning of time. And the truth is when we grow and mature in our relationship with Christ, the enemy loses power! Now am I saying that when we say yes to a step of obedience in answer to a call of God that the enemy doesn't try to overtake us or discourage us to the point of giving up, absolutely not! He in fact does just that. And that's where my journey the past few days has been.
For about a week, I could feel the cloud moving in. It started with the phrase "you have too many kids" playing over and over in my head. This is what had been used in court when we were seeking custody of our grandkids. The enemy has used that phrase to attempt to reek havoc on my confidence and abilities to do what I know without a doubt God called and ordained! As is his character, the enemy was very sneaky with the attacks at first. We have started packing for the move. I used to be an avid scrapbooker! Callie has four books for her first two years, and Noah has three. That's where it stops...no one else even has a baby book! As I was packing my scrapbook supplies, the voices started in: "You will never record all the memories of your kids, you have too many kids!" "You will never get to do anything you enjoy ever again." "A good mother would have baby books for all of their kids, you obviously have too many." For whatever reason, I didn't immediately recognize the thoughts for what they were - attacks from the enemy - and I entertained a couple of those thoughts a little too long. They had taken root. Over the next few days, I became increasingly discouraged, overwhelmed and increasingly hopeless. I looked at circumstances and felt like I couldn't possibly handle all that was on my plate. Then I started eating everything in sight! I might not even be hungry or want anything, but I would find myself eating anyway! That is truly what woke me up to what was happening! I remembered a teaching on spiritual warfare that said something to the effect of when you find yourself doing things that you feel like you can't control, it's a good indicator that you are under attack! That is how the enemy works, he makes us feel like we don't have a say in what we are doing! I started having three and four nightmares a night. I can't even tell you the last time I had a nightmare before this week! I knew the enemy had moved in, so I grabbed some tools, one of which was Spirit Wars by Kris Vallatton. I didn't read more than a page before I had what I needed to combat the enemy! Kris writes:
"The devil and his demons no longer have the right to torment believers. But they are lawless criminals of the spiritual realm. They will break God's laws whenever and wherever they see a lack of authority. Like the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, where thousands of looters ravaged people's homes in the absence of officers policing the streets, demonic spirits will illegally ravage the lives of people in the vacuum of true spiritual authority. Ignorant Christians create powerless cultures, resulting in the world experiencing an unrestrained devil."
Wow! It was exactly what I had done...I had let the demonic ravage my thoughts! In the state of physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, I had not been in the Word every day like normal. The enemy had seen his opening and rushed in! In essence, I had an unrestrained devil in my mind! However, I am no longer an ignorant Christian! I immediately put the book down and asked God to reveal what had given the enemy access to my mind and my actions in such a powerful way. There is usually an area of sin that the enemy enters in through...not always, but I knew there had to be more than just random thoughts for me to find myself as deep in oppression as I felt. God revealed where the door had been opened. I immediately repented, and served the devil his eviction notice! He no longer had any power or authority over me and he had to leave...immediately!
In the few days since I evicted him, the thoughts have come back...but I am aware, recognize them for what they are, and dismiss them! I don't entertain them. I remind myself of truths like I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength or the power that raised Christ from the grave is the same power I possess with in me. I reminded myself when I resist the devil, he will flee! The lies of the enemy can't hold up to the Truth of the Word, and the lies flee! That's why the "New level, new devil" statement is such a lie! The enemy wants us to believe it! If we know we are walking into a battle, we are much less likely to walk! The enemy had me in a place where I was even discouraged about our move. I was dreading everything about it! If I could've backed out of it, I would have! If I had continued to entertain his thoughts, I could see myself saying no to many things like the babies or Addy's Hope simply because I don't want a battle. But all it took to end the battle was replacing lies with the Truth! It wasn't a one time thing...it's a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute deal! But all it takes is replacing lies with the truth! There's no new devil! Just the same old, non-inventive lying, stealing, cheating devil! The "new" is my awareness of him and my ability to shut him up! I am no longer ignorant of his schemes! I recognize them and shut them down before he has the ability to change my course!
There is a new level...a new level of maturity and awareness that allows me to defeat the enemy and crush him under my feet where he belongs! The enemy never gains power in a believer's life who is growing in relationship with God! The closer we grow to God the more the enemy is exposed for the lying and cheating thief that he is! So if you are starting a new adventure or taking a step of obedience and begin to feel the attacks, do not accept them as "normal" or what just happens when you live for God! Take the enemy down at the knees, and put him under your foot where he belongs! We Christians need to live in the authority that is ours to shut him up and quit accepting battles because we "expect" them! Yes, the battles will come. But you have all power and authority over this earth to stop the battles....USE IT! And I will do the same!
There is a phrase I often hear when people talk about the challenges they face when saying "yes" to God in any area. You will often hear people talk of "new level, new devil". I too have said this in my ignorance of spiritual warfare and the reality of our enemy. I heard it again just a few days ago, and the hair on the back of my neck came up! That phrase indicates that the devil has the ability to grow or to gain new insight into us. That is simply a lie from the pit of hell! The devil has no new schemes other than those used from the beginning of time. And the truth is when we grow and mature in our relationship with Christ, the enemy loses power! Now am I saying that when we say yes to a step of obedience in answer to a call of God that the enemy doesn't try to overtake us or discourage us to the point of giving up, absolutely not! He in fact does just that. And that's where my journey the past few days has been.
For about a week, I could feel the cloud moving in. It started with the phrase "you have too many kids" playing over and over in my head. This is what had been used in court when we were seeking custody of our grandkids. The enemy has used that phrase to attempt to reek havoc on my confidence and abilities to do what I know without a doubt God called and ordained! As is his character, the enemy was very sneaky with the attacks at first. We have started packing for the move. I used to be an avid scrapbooker! Callie has four books for her first two years, and Noah has three. That's where it stops...no one else even has a baby book! As I was packing my scrapbook supplies, the voices started in: "You will never record all the memories of your kids, you have too many kids!" "You will never get to do anything you enjoy ever again." "A good mother would have baby books for all of their kids, you obviously have too many." For whatever reason, I didn't immediately recognize the thoughts for what they were - attacks from the enemy - and I entertained a couple of those thoughts a little too long. They had taken root. Over the next few days, I became increasingly discouraged, overwhelmed and increasingly hopeless. I looked at circumstances and felt like I couldn't possibly handle all that was on my plate. Then I started eating everything in sight! I might not even be hungry or want anything, but I would find myself eating anyway! That is truly what woke me up to what was happening! I remembered a teaching on spiritual warfare that said something to the effect of when you find yourself doing things that you feel like you can't control, it's a good indicator that you are under attack! That is how the enemy works, he makes us feel like we don't have a say in what we are doing! I started having three and four nightmares a night. I can't even tell you the last time I had a nightmare before this week! I knew the enemy had moved in, so I grabbed some tools, one of which was Spirit Wars by Kris Vallatton. I didn't read more than a page before I had what I needed to combat the enemy! Kris writes:
"The devil and his demons no longer have the right to torment believers. But they are lawless criminals of the spiritual realm. They will break God's laws whenever and wherever they see a lack of authority. Like the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, where thousands of looters ravaged people's homes in the absence of officers policing the streets, demonic spirits will illegally ravage the lives of people in the vacuum of true spiritual authority. Ignorant Christians create powerless cultures, resulting in the world experiencing an unrestrained devil."
Wow! It was exactly what I had done...I had let the demonic ravage my thoughts! In the state of physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, I had not been in the Word every day like normal. The enemy had seen his opening and rushed in! In essence, I had an unrestrained devil in my mind! However, I am no longer an ignorant Christian! I immediately put the book down and asked God to reveal what had given the enemy access to my mind and my actions in such a powerful way. There is usually an area of sin that the enemy enters in through...not always, but I knew there had to be more than just random thoughts for me to find myself as deep in oppression as I felt. God revealed where the door had been opened. I immediately repented, and served the devil his eviction notice! He no longer had any power or authority over me and he had to leave...immediately!
In the few days since I evicted him, the thoughts have come back...but I am aware, recognize them for what they are, and dismiss them! I don't entertain them. I remind myself of truths like I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength or the power that raised Christ from the grave is the same power I possess with in me. I reminded myself when I resist the devil, he will flee! The lies of the enemy can't hold up to the Truth of the Word, and the lies flee! That's why the "New level, new devil" statement is such a lie! The enemy wants us to believe it! If we know we are walking into a battle, we are much less likely to walk! The enemy had me in a place where I was even discouraged about our move. I was dreading everything about it! If I could've backed out of it, I would have! If I had continued to entertain his thoughts, I could see myself saying no to many things like the babies or Addy's Hope simply because I don't want a battle. But all it took to end the battle was replacing lies with the Truth! It wasn't a one time thing...it's a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute deal! But all it takes is replacing lies with the truth! There's no new devil! Just the same old, non-inventive lying, stealing, cheating devil! The "new" is my awareness of him and my ability to shut him up! I am no longer ignorant of his schemes! I recognize them and shut them down before he has the ability to change my course!
There is a new level...a new level of maturity and awareness that allows me to defeat the enemy and crush him under my feet where he belongs! The enemy never gains power in a believer's life who is growing in relationship with God! The closer we grow to God the more the enemy is exposed for the lying and cheating thief that he is! So if you are starting a new adventure or taking a step of obedience and begin to feel the attacks, do not accept them as "normal" or what just happens when you live for God! Take the enemy down at the knees, and put him under your foot where he belongs! We Christians need to live in the authority that is ours to shut him up and quit accepting battles because we "expect" them! Yes, the battles will come. But you have all power and authority over this earth to stop the battles....USE IT! And I will do the same!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Move: A Few More Pieces
It's fun to now be able to take you guys on this journey with me! Moving has so many details that need to align just right in order for it to work out! This week God has shown again that He will meet our every need and faithfully provide the next step when it's time to take it.
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth
We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month. For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly. We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process! And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process! It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Trust ME
I lay awake last night about 2 am. I woke up wondering when the baby would be ready to be fed. We currently have custody of our two grand-babies, ages 5 weeks and almost one year. Maybe I will some day be able to tell the story of how they came to be with us, but for now, I can only share it has been a heartbreaking journey that I don't understand. But they are safe, and that is what is important. I lay awake last night going through all the scenarios that the future could hold. From the beginning of this journey that ended in us being granted custody, the only answer God would give as I cried out for wisdom and direction was, "Trust Me.." That's it. A simple whisper each time:
Trust Me
There was never a direction of "do _______" throughout this entire process. Just "Trust Me...." We did, and He provided at each step of the way exactly what we needed: wisdom, connections, timing, diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing, bouncy seat, a friend to stay with the 8 kids four of whom are three and under so I could go work a few hours and have a quiet lunch. So as I lay awake last night contemplating all the ways this could turn out in the end, I was not surprised to once again hear, "Trust Me...." I kind of flippantly replied, with my "sure...." But immediately the rebuke of the Holy Spirit followed: "I didn't say trust Me that they will stay with you, I didn't say trust Me because your heart will be safe and not shattered. I said trust Me. That means you trust in Me...not in an outcome."
Immediately, I felt the panic rise! Ever since I knew we would be taking the babies into our home, I have wrestled with the "what ifs" of them being taken out of my life again. I am so tired of heartbreak. I am so weary of battles. I have felt a divine peace with them in our home. There have been times when the anxiety would start to creep in, but the small whisper would say, "Trust Me...." and the peace would return. Last night I realized I had started to take that as a confirmation that the children would stay with us, and God quickly reminded me He had not promised that. Now I am not saying that He was saying the children will not stay with us, my Father who knows my heart, who knows my previous struggles, knew where my trust was being placed. Trust is defined by Miriam-Webster's on-line dictionary as "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; or as one in which confidence is placed." God knew I was beginning to place my confidence in them staying...and my peace was coming from the "confidence" (mis-placed confidence!) that the children would stay with me and my heart would not be shattered once more. In the quiet of the morning hours, God asked me again to trust HIM! He asked, "If they go back, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I am still sovereign? Will you trust that I am still good? Will you still rely on my character, ability and strength and continue to walk in relationship with me?" I wish I could say I immediately repented and answered with a resounding and confident, YES, Lord! But that was not exactly how it went! The tears came. My heart ached at the thought. But in the end, I laid those babies on the proverbial alter and agreed that I would walk this path in full trust and obedience of my Lord! I would trust and stand in belief that no matter what happens, God is good, God is faithful, God is kind, God is loving. I chose in that moment to put my trust - my assured reliance on the character and my confidence in - God....not an outcome, but in God!
Today that trust was challenged. We had a meeting that brought the reality of the future into greater clarity. I don't know what will happen in the end, but I know I will choose to trust Him with it all! I will choose to believe He is for me and not against me!
I have prayed Psalm 91 almost daily for the past two years. Verse 2 says, "I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Whom I trust!" And to that I say - Amen and Amen!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Heavenly Father Knows Best
When God said to move from our 7th house in just 8 years of marriage, I wasn't exactly respectful in my reply...in fact, I think it went something like "are you kidding me?!" But He said to move for a swimming pool and a 5th bedroom. We only had three children at the time! And we were in a nice, comfortable, three bedroom, two bath home. But God said move, so we started looking!
Today as I enjoyed one of our numerous family times in the pool, connecting and playing with 5 of our 7 children, I was reminded of how God sees the future that we have not a clue is around the corner! God knew when he told us to move that the next 5 years would bring 4 more children. He knew that 5th bedroom would go from a luxury to a necessity. He knew the bedrooms that I thought were quite the waist of space because they are HUGE compared to most bedrooms these days along with their double walk in closets in each room were going to be a huge blessing to our now equally as HUGE family! He knew that the pool would provide one of the few activities that all our children with their 16 year age difference would enjoy....and it's free!
As I reflect on that, it makes some of the things God is telling me today to do that seem quite unnecessary, a little more exciting! I could never have dreamed what the pool and 5th bedroom would mean! Makes me want to jump into obedience in the areas God is asking me to walk right now with great anticipation of what is just around the corner that I can't see yet....but He knows! It's a great reminder that God always knows what's best and will guide me in the paths that will bring me to more than I could ever hope or imagine if I will simply focus on Him and walk in obedience!
And now to consume some pizza with my amazing kiddos and fabulous husband while we end our Sunday family day with a movie! Ever so thankful for the family God has built...truly a family built on faith!
Today as I enjoyed one of our numerous family times in the pool, connecting and playing with 5 of our 7 children, I was reminded of how God sees the future that we have not a clue is around the corner! God knew when he told us to move that the next 5 years would bring 4 more children. He knew that 5th bedroom would go from a luxury to a necessity. He knew the bedrooms that I thought were quite the waist of space because they are HUGE compared to most bedrooms these days along with their double walk in closets in each room were going to be a huge blessing to our now equally as HUGE family! He knew that the pool would provide one of the few activities that all our children with their 16 year age difference would enjoy....and it's free!
As I reflect on that, it makes some of the things God is telling me today to do that seem quite unnecessary, a little more exciting! I could never have dreamed what the pool and 5th bedroom would mean! Makes me want to jump into obedience in the areas God is asking me to walk right now with great anticipation of what is just around the corner that I can't see yet....but He knows! It's a great reminder that God always knows what's best and will guide me in the paths that will bring me to more than I could ever hope or imagine if I will simply focus on Him and walk in obedience!
And now to consume some pizza with my amazing kiddos and fabulous husband while we end our Sunday family day with a movie! Ever so thankful for the family God has built...truly a family built on faith!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Raising World Changers: The Reality
There was a quote going around a few years ago that I can't find now, but it was about raising world changers. There have been a couple of events the past week that have reminded me that raising world changers isn't just some catchy phrase, it is a reality. And often that reality isn't what I had pictured as being a "good mom"!
I put my 13 year old daughter on a plane this week to head half way across the country to my brother and sister-in-law for a couple of weeks. She was traveling alone. This trip would require her to change not only planes, but terminals in a large airport. Our little local airport only has 4 gates...and that's what she is accustomed to. Not to mention the fact that we rarely ever fly anywhere! She was equipped with her boarding passes, her map of the airport she would be landing at and her cell phone. The plan was for me to get a pass to go through security with her here and wait for her plane with her. When we get to the ticket counter, I realize I left my driver's license in the car in the envelope with the money I had just gotten from the bank. My heart sank! A voice started in, "What kind of mom are you? You can't even make sure you have what you need to help your daughter!" This is a voice I hear often! I silenced it long enough to finish checking Callie in and get her ready to go. I told Callie I would text her dad who was driving around waiting for me to be done since we knew they wouldn't let both of us back and ask him to come by with my license so I could go back with her. She said, "no, I can do it." Then the voice starts in again. We get to the security line and I go over everything with Callie again - this is where your gate is, this is the time you need to be at your gate, this is your seat number, take off your shoes, put them in the tub with your liquids and purse, etc, etc. Then I watch as my amazing daughter bravely walks through security....alone. On the other side, she has struck up a conversation with an older lady and they are both smiling from ear to ear. She goes blurry as my eyes well up with tears and my heart swells with pride! Even in her own nervousness she has found the ability to connect to someone from a totally different generation and bring joy. I holler one last "Good-bye!" and "I love you!" As she walks out of view, I hear another voice say, "When raising world changers, you can't always hold their hands. Sometimes you just have to talk them through and pray as they try out their wings! And good moms know when to hold hands and when to watch them fly!"
And my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear that in that moment! So many times through this journey of fostering and adoption, the enemy has tormented me with thoughts of failing my children. I have shared before that there is no way to parent 7 children the way I parented 2. I can't be the "everywhere, doing everything mom" that I wanted to be when I pictured myself as a mom. I struggle with that more at some times than others. Probably the hardest time was when we adopted from the foster system. I was in a Bible study at the time where the talk often turned to protecting our children. I believe in protecting my children. What the other moms said made sense. Many put their children in private schools or home schooled them to protect them from what they would be exposed to in school. We talked about shows that we would or would not allow our children to watch. It all sounded great. There was only one problem...while these moms were protecting their children from the influences of the world, I had just invited the "world" into my home through a child who had never been protected. She in-turn, at no fault of her own, would expose my children to the very things my friends were diligently working to protect their children from. I would go home and cry after many of these discussions...tormented by what I had done, but knowing full well God had called us to do this. I just couldn't reconcile the "good mom" role with what God was asking me to do.
The problem was that my "good mom" role was based on an Americanized view of parenting that says children should never hurt and should never be exposed to anything that might hurt them or even cause discomfort. Don't confuse what I am saying with putting your child in harms way physically or staying in an abusive relationship because it is building character. That is not what I am saying at all! But what God showed me as I watched my daughter walk by herself toward the gate to board a plane is that all she has gone through and all she is doing now is to prepare and equip her for the path God has for her! She is a world changer! And world changers put themselves at risk! World changers know how to be hurt and forgive! World changers have to know how to handle disappointment! World changers have to know how to look a big task in the face and do it anyway! World changers have to face fears head on and walk through them!
Back in the car, headed home, I get a text..."I am at my gate!" I respond, "Sorry again that I didn't have my license to go back with you." And the confirmation of what God had already spoken, "It's ok. Doing it by myself gave me the confidence I needed." And with that I knew my World Changer had SOARED on this test flight! And I also knew God wasn't just equipping her...he was equipping me....you see I have five more World Changers coming up right behind her!
I put my 13 year old daughter on a plane this week to head half way across the country to my brother and sister-in-law for a couple of weeks. She was traveling alone. This trip would require her to change not only planes, but terminals in a large airport. Our little local airport only has 4 gates...and that's what she is accustomed to. Not to mention the fact that we rarely ever fly anywhere! She was equipped with her boarding passes, her map of the airport she would be landing at and her cell phone. The plan was for me to get a pass to go through security with her here and wait for her plane with her. When we get to the ticket counter, I realize I left my driver's license in the car in the envelope with the money I had just gotten from the bank. My heart sank! A voice started in, "What kind of mom are you? You can't even make sure you have what you need to help your daughter!" This is a voice I hear often! I silenced it long enough to finish checking Callie in and get her ready to go. I told Callie I would text her dad who was driving around waiting for me to be done since we knew they wouldn't let both of us back and ask him to come by with my license so I could go back with her. She said, "no, I can do it." Then the voice starts in again. We get to the security line and I go over everything with Callie again - this is where your gate is, this is the time you need to be at your gate, this is your seat number, take off your shoes, put them in the tub with your liquids and purse, etc, etc. Then I watch as my amazing daughter bravely walks through security....alone. On the other side, she has struck up a conversation with an older lady and they are both smiling from ear to ear. She goes blurry as my eyes well up with tears and my heart swells with pride! Even in her own nervousness she has found the ability to connect to someone from a totally different generation and bring joy. I holler one last "Good-bye!" and "I love you!" As she walks out of view, I hear another voice say, "When raising world changers, you can't always hold their hands. Sometimes you just have to talk them through and pray as they try out their wings! And good moms know when to hold hands and when to watch them fly!"
And my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear that in that moment! So many times through this journey of fostering and adoption, the enemy has tormented me with thoughts of failing my children. I have shared before that there is no way to parent 7 children the way I parented 2. I can't be the "everywhere, doing everything mom" that I wanted to be when I pictured myself as a mom. I struggle with that more at some times than others. Probably the hardest time was when we adopted from the foster system. I was in a Bible study at the time where the talk often turned to protecting our children. I believe in protecting my children. What the other moms said made sense. Many put their children in private schools or home schooled them to protect them from what they would be exposed to in school. We talked about shows that we would or would not allow our children to watch. It all sounded great. There was only one problem...while these moms were protecting their children from the influences of the world, I had just invited the "world" into my home through a child who had never been protected. She in-turn, at no fault of her own, would expose my children to the very things my friends were diligently working to protect their children from. I would go home and cry after many of these discussions...tormented by what I had done, but knowing full well God had called us to do this. I just couldn't reconcile the "good mom" role with what God was asking me to do.
The problem was that my "good mom" role was based on an Americanized view of parenting that says children should never hurt and should never be exposed to anything that might hurt them or even cause discomfort. Don't confuse what I am saying with putting your child in harms way physically or staying in an abusive relationship because it is building character. That is not what I am saying at all! But what God showed me as I watched my daughter walk by herself toward the gate to board a plane is that all she has gone through and all she is doing now is to prepare and equip her for the path God has for her! She is a world changer! And world changers put themselves at risk! World changers know how to be hurt and forgive! World changers have to know how to handle disappointment! World changers have to know how to look a big task in the face and do it anyway! World changers have to face fears head on and walk through them!
Back in the car, headed home, I get a text..."I am at my gate!" I respond, "Sorry again that I didn't have my license to go back with you." And the confirmation of what God had already spoken, "It's ok. Doing it by myself gave me the confidence I needed." And with that I knew my World Changer had SOARED on this test flight! And I also knew God wasn't just equipping her...he was equipping me....you see I have five more World Changers coming up right behind her!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Abraham: Faith Walking
"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8
I wish I knew a little more about this obedience. How did Abraham decide to go North or South? Did God verbally speak with each step? Was Abraham just led by peace as he walked? Did Abraham start out on Monday thinking that by Tuesday God would have revealed a bit more about the journey? When God didn't show him the way immediately, did Abraham sit down and cry out of the frustration of having a fully surrendered heart willing to follow God no matter what, but not exactly sure what God wanted? Did Abraham ever take a wrong step believing it was where God said walk only to discover that wasn't it? Was he ever disappointed along the journey?
I don't know all those details. I wish I did as it would make a journey I am on right now a little easier, perhaps. What I do know is that Abraham went when he didn't know his destination. I don' t know how he knew where to head without knowing a destination, but God must have given him just enough information for the steps he needed to take right then. He must have because what I do know is that Abraham got there! Despite the fact that he didn't know where he was headed, he got there! And not only did he get there, but he is forever written in the history of God's story as a great man of faith that we are to imitate in our quest to be like Christ.
And if Abraham, who didn't have the Holy Spirit, the ever present Presence of God with him that I have, can walk in obedience on a journey without knowing the destination and arrive where God intended, so can I!
I wish I knew a little more about this obedience. How did Abraham decide to go North or South? Did God verbally speak with each step? Was Abraham just led by peace as he walked? Did Abraham start out on Monday thinking that by Tuesday God would have revealed a bit more about the journey? When God didn't show him the way immediately, did Abraham sit down and cry out of the frustration of having a fully surrendered heart willing to follow God no matter what, but not exactly sure what God wanted? Did Abraham ever take a wrong step believing it was where God said walk only to discover that wasn't it? Was he ever disappointed along the journey?
I don't know all those details. I wish I did as it would make a journey I am on right now a little easier, perhaps. What I do know is that Abraham went when he didn't know his destination. I don' t know how he knew where to head without knowing a destination, but God must have given him just enough information for the steps he needed to take right then. He must have because what I do know is that Abraham got there! Despite the fact that he didn't know where he was headed, he got there! And not only did he get there, but he is forever written in the history of God's story as a great man of faith that we are to imitate in our quest to be like Christ.
And if Abraham, who didn't have the Holy Spirit, the ever present Presence of God with him that I have, can walk in obedience on a journey without knowing the destination and arrive where God intended, so can I!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The Reality
Warning: this is one of my "real" posts. I would appreciate readers just reading and not feeling the need for a sermon or reminding me of all the "right" things to think or do right now. I know them...I'll get there. But this is just the reality of where we are.
I am a Mimi again! Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39. I was blessed to be there. He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.
My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old. We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital. I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.
This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are. She is very dependent on her mom. She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.
In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies. But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake? Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about? But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her. But all they got were screams in return. Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.
Today we say good bye. We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months. Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings. Definitely sadness and frustration. But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed. My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."
The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!
I am a Mimi again! Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39. I was blessed to be there. He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.
My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old. We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital. I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.
This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are. She is very dependent on her mom. She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.
In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies. But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake? Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about? But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her. But all they got were screams in return. Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.
Today we say good bye. We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months. Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings. Definitely sadness and frustration. But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed. My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."
The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing
I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day. Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now. But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief. I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post. Stick with me.....
We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God. We sang these words
We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God. We sang these words
He wraps Himself in Light,
and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice."
I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away. I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.
There is a line in this song that says,
"How Great is our God, sing with me,
How Great is our God, that all the world will see,
How Great is our God."
Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good. I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.
Last night as I again sang,
and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice."
I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother. The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry! Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp. The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night. And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it. My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.
In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!
And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me -
"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready. Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."
And my mourning turned to dancing. I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light! It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really! It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no! I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes! He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!! Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms! Press on! Joy will come in the morning!
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