Confession

Well, where to start.

The reason there have been weeks with no posts is because I was scared to post. Scared to put what I was feeling out there for others to view. Scared to really even acknowledge to myself the depth of what I am facing.

But over the past couple of weeks, God has shown me so much. And today I know its ok to share because it doesn't change what He thinks of me and truly that is all that matters (easy to say, hard to believe!).

The reason for my silence since coming back from Liberia is that I finally hit the bottom of the pit of depression. I have been battling it for some time, but the darkness fully engulfed me over the past few months.

Many of you may be thinking what I always thought of people struggling with depression...she must have an issue with God to be in the pit of darkness or if she would just trust God more, she could over come this....well, you are right! But as I posted a week or so a go, every time God takes me to the end of myself, He shows me more of Him. And I am learning a LOT about Him right now!

What pushed me into the pit? Well, there are many things. Some of them too private to share in such a public forum. Our trip to Liberia was what pushed me over the edge, but it is not the sole problem, just the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. There are years of stuffed pain that I didn't deal with because I didn't know how or because well meaning people around me told me I didn't have the right to feel that way. There are many things I could say, but I fear I would ramble. So instead, I am going to post some things from Mary Southerland's book "Hope in the Midst of Depression" because she says it so well!

*When you bury pain alive, it keeps popping up at unexpected moments....we must deal with our past....We can allow our past to defeat us or we can harness that past and use it for power today. Painful experiences we try so hard to hide can be changed from the quicksand of defeat into stepping stones of victory and healing.

*He [Jesus] modeled the truth that the foundation for health in every area of life is balance. When our lives are out of control and unbalanced, we are an easy target for depression.

*Nobody become depressed overnight. Nobody overcomes it overnight. The journey out of the pit of depression is a process of steps uniquely planned by your Father. He is the Guide for your journey out of the darkness.

*To wait means to accept the pit. When we commit our lives to God, nothing touches us that doesn't first pass through His hands. And as painful experiences pass through those hands of love, those hands that are committed to our growth, that painful experience is transformed. what once was destructive becomes a tool in the hand of our loving Father, who will take it, put a handle on it, and then use it as a tool for our good.....He loves us too much to waist our pain. He is more committed to our long-term maturity than our short-term comfort.

*Picture falling into a slimy pit. Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle and fight your way out. Then, when you have used up all of your energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest and wait for help because that is all you can do. You have no other options. When we come to the end of ourselves, then God begins His work of healing and restoration.....Part of waiting involves seeking. To wait on God is to seek Him, to examine every circumstance in search of His fingerprints. Waiting is trusting. Waiting is resting. Waiting is the absolute confidence that God will intervene. That choice to wait demands trust on our part because acceptance grows from the fertile soil of trust. {HollyAnn's interjection here: This is probably the reason I didn't deal with the depression effectively when it first started! As you know if you have known me since Eden's adoption, trusting God is my hardest thing! I fully believe He has taken me here to make me trust Him...it is working! What other choice do I have?!}

*Our weakness and helplessness are an invitation for the power of God to take up residence and display itself in our lives. {HollyAnn again: Hallelujah! This has always been my number one goal....to glorify God. Yet, in depression, that is difficult to do...who looks at a depressed person and says, "I want what she has?!" So I can't wait to see how God uses this weakness to show His power! I am ready to see it!}

*Pride always hinders authenticity. Emotional health begins at the point of emotional integrity, which can be truthful enough to say to our selves and to others, "I need help." We cannot be right until we choose to be real. {HA again: But strong women don't need help! Spiritual women have all they need in God}

*Stress, hurry and intense activity can cause us to lose our perspective, to disconnect from ourselves and from our purpose in life. The busier we are, the more we need regular solitude. I love the Greek motto that says: "You will break the bow if you keep it always bent." I broke. {me too!!} One of the main reasons I broke was that solitude had never been a part of my life. I was too busy being spiritual. I was too busy trying to earn God's love and approval. I was too busy trying to be good enough. I was too busy running from the past. During my two years in the pit, I gave up every role of leadership in order to spend time in solitude, seeking God. It felt as though I were giving up my identity because so much of who I was had been built upon what I did. {me again: the very reason I have not dealt with the depression really before now. It would require me to back off from the things that "identify" me....even people close to me couldn't see me not doing some of the things I have had to let go of. Another lie from the pit!}

*As I struggled with the guilt and self-condemnation of my frailty, the Father taught me an important truth that has revolutionized my life. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. He love me- warts and all. If I never do another thing in the kingdom, He still loves me.

If you are struggling on any level with depression, I highly recommend Mary Southerland's book. It is transforming my life, and I see a light that I know this time is not an on-coming train as I have felt so many times over the years, but is my Savior, my Night in shining armor riding in on His white horse to come and save me!

Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer Psalm 40:17