The Journey: The Meeting is over

Went to the Permanency meeting. Thought I was prepared for everything, but turns out I was wrong. Wasn't prepared for a question they asked Baby Girl's Mother. They asked if she would be willing to sign paper to allow us to adopt Baby Girl. Really wasn't prepared for her answer: "yes".

Two times in my life now I have sat at a table with a young mother and heard her say she would be willing for me to take her child as mine. There are no words. Only tears....I tried, but couldn't stop them. Baby Girl's Grandmother was there, whom we have a wonderful relationship with, and she mouthed, "It's ok!". I just shook me head and smiled as the tears ran.

No papers have been signed, and as they say, it ain't over till it's over. But the fact that Baby Girl's mother would even consider adoption by choice is a new development and makes my heart sing..at least for a short bit.

But at the same time as it sings, it breaks. Breaks for a mom who for whatever reason can't get it together enough to parent her child. My prayers is still that one day, she will! One day she will have a life that will allow her to parent a child to adulthood. Many would say that is an impossibility and would wonder why I would even think about that. But I serve a God of impossibilities, and I still want that life for Baby Girl's Mother.

Thank you for your prayers! They were answered, and I would say God provided an answer that is more amazing than I had even thought to ask for! Praise Him!!!!

The Journey: Permanency Meeting Today

We have what they call a permanency meeting today. It is when all parties involved in the child's life meet to discuss the best plan to provide a place of permanency for the child. It's a bit crazy to go to a meeting where people are discussing the fate of a child you already consider yours. But the reality is, she is not mine...and I try to keep that perspective as we go about daily life.

Really the only apprehension I have is facing Baby Girl's mother as they possibly tell her that the recommendation will be termination. I don't approach this subject with Baby Girl's Mother as I don't ever want her to feel like we are trying to take Baby Girl from her. I would fight if I had to, but my prayer is that the system will work and they will do what is best for Baby Girl and the brunt of this will rest on the system. I'm not just being a chicken here. But when we started this journey, I didn't know if we were here for Baby Girl or for Mother. So, I have a heart for Mother. I know many find that hard to believe, but I truly do. My prayer through this has been that God would give me His eyes to see all parties. He answered that. I didn't know what I was asking when I prayed that. I think it makes it much harder as I will hurt with Baby Girl's Mother instead of just celebrating Baby Girl being mine.

Please pray for all parties involved this morning. Pray for Baby Girl's Mother that God would prepare her heart for what the meeting might bring and somehow this would draw her to Him. Pray that I will accurately represent the heart of God with every word and action I have in the meeting.

Here I go...

It may be an all-nighter!

There is a really important meeting in Liberia this week regarding adoptions! It is "our" chance - the pro side of adoption to be heard. There is a new Justice Minister that has been named. She is looking over many issues that have been dealt with in Liberia - and lucky for us, adoption is one of them. She knows there are things that haven't gone as they were supposed to - like us paying money directly to the Ministry of Health - which is not supposed to be done according to government protocol. Eva Morgan has already been removed from her post at the Justice Ministry - Praise God!! She is the one who said, "This is not America. They don't need to eat three times a day." And in a meeting I was in and heard for myself, she said, "Poverty is no reason for placing a child for adoption. Why do we have so many adoptions? Do we need more support for families?" Duh!!!!!!

But even with her gone, we still have the people in charge at the Ministry of Health who are totally corrupt. We need to be heard at this meeting. We will be dining with the enemies...but that's ok because Psalm 23:5 says that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. God guides and protects me, and He has prepared a table before my enemies. My cup overflows! Praise God!

I believe this is what we have been waiting for! President Sirleaf was warned by me as well as other key people that listening to those on the Presidential Adoption Committee would cause her great embarrassment. She has been listening to lies of the corrupt. And as Psalm 10 promises: "You [God] have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand
The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none. The LORD is King forever and ever; nations have perished from His land. O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." Hallelujah!

So please pray! Pray that the truth will be told and heard. Pray that those in attendance of the meeting will be open to hearing the side of the adoption service providers that has been silenced by those in power. Pray that God will open the doors wide for the children of Liberia to be helped through adoption.

I will be fasting and praying July 16 for the meeting and all those in attendance. There are some adoptive parents who have flown over there to attend the meeting. We have one family, but there are some from other agencies as well. Pray that they are heard. We also have one of our older boys going to speak. Pray for him, his name is Prince. Pray that He would speak the heart of God and be bold for all the orphans he represents! He is an amazing young man!

I'm excited! For the first time since the turn over of the orphanage, God has shown me a glimpse of what all the letters I have written and the battles I have fought might be about to help accomplish. The coolest thing? Maria Luiken of WACSN, who is Liberian, is responsible for this meeting! I have always wanted the Liberians to lead the charge. Maria is an amazing women! She is very much responsible for my son being home. She has been under great warfare as she has battled for the children. We may not agree on everything, Maria and I, but the two things we very much see eye to eye on is: 1) we work and fight for children! We do this because we are called of God and love the children of Liberia and 2) we don't care anything about who getting the credit for the battles, we just want the victory! We just want the band lifted and the corruption stopped so safe adoptions for children can pursue! May it be, in Jesus Name!

Will you fast and pray with me? We need warriors! Pass this along, please! We all know that truly, these people in power are not who we are fighting for they only have the power God allows them to have! Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powerful forces of evil in this dark world! We need warriors praying to send these evil forces back to the abyss!

Can you tell I'm excited! :) God is bringing a new thing....a stream in the desert! That is the first thing I thought of when Maria called and we talked and I knew that this meeting really is crucial. So this may be an all-nighter! I have five years of documentation to go through and send to her to get to the Minister for review before the meeting! But Praise God I have documentation of letters written and letters received! The truth is in them! The path of deception and corruption can be found weaved in them....and it's time for it to be told! Praise God!

For the "professional" version of the meeting prayer request :) go to our Addy's Hope News Blog.

Jehovah: I AM

I love it when truths wash over me and renew me from the inside out. God has been doing that a lot lately in me as I try to make peace with the past, live in the present and look to the future. This morning, that peace came through Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Praise God!

As I read that this morning in my study of names of God in Embraced by the Father by Susanne Scheppmann, I had to stop at "forget the former things." In my human perception of things and my tunnel vision view, I am having a very hard time letting go of my faith walks that didn't turn out like I had planned. But as I read these words this morning, it was God whispering them in my ear..."Forget those things, let go. Do not dwell on those things! I have them in control. Look at the new thing I am doing! It is springing up! Don't miss it for looking backwards trying to figure out what you will never understand this side of heaven!" All these thoughts have passed through my mind before, but this morning, it was as if the Holy Spirit was spraying my mind and spirit with a power washer to release my thoughts and emotions to all that tied me to the orphanage I had to let go and the baby girls I never got to hold and other personal dreams that I know are God-given, God-willed desires that have yet to come to pass and greatly effect the way I view God.

Jehova, Yaweh: I AM! Who is He? How easily I have let the Christians around me and the circumstances I find myself in redefine God for me. He never changes...He is the same yesterday, today and forever! But I can get so wrapped up in the things people say about me, the way people criticize me, the circumstances that effect my day to day life that I forget who He really is!

He reminded me today of who He is! He is I AM! He is the one who sees my past and asks me to forget it! He asks me to look at what He is doing now. He needs me to move past that past so that He can do a new thing! I'm ready for a new thing! A new thing in my calling for children and orphans, a new thing in my family, a new thing in my personal struggles with sin. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about today and looking forward to tomorrow! Stay tuned...God is doing a new thing! It is springing up and I will perceive it, in Jesus Name!

My amazing daughter!

I truly have an amazing daughter! She is my oldest...my first born. John tells her all the time that we are so sorry that she has to be our guinea pig for parenting (he is the oldest too, so he relates!). Its true, though. Ten years ago, we were clueless as to how to be a parent. I wouldn't say we have it figured out now by any means, but I do think with age comes wisdom and at the very least, I have some of my priorities more in order than I did 10 years ago!

Callie is 10 going on 20! She has always been mature from her age...almost from the womb! Because of that, I think I take for granted her maturity in so many areas, and probably expect more from her than I should.

She has had a perception of the spiritual world from the beginning, I'm pretty sure. I know as soon as she could talk, she asked questions that I didn't even know to ask until I was almost an adult, like at 4 she says, "Mommy, how do you know when God is talking to you?" Me: "Well, He sounds like your voice, but you Know it is Him because you learn to know His voice." long pause: "Mommy, what if He tells me something different than you do" Me: "He won't. Right now He sounds a whole lot like me!" Ok, probably not one of my most positive moments in spiritual parenting, but I wasn't exactly ready for that from a 4 year old. Callie had a recurring "visitor" in her room from the time she could talk until she turned her life over to Jesus. His name was Red Rover. Even now, when she talks about it, I am amazed. She has seen and been spoken to by angels. She has an amazing heart for the less fortunate. She blossomed when Toben came home. She took him under her wing and has done the same with Baby Girl.

She already serves in our church by volunteering in the two year old class on Sunday mornings. I love to hear her talk about "her" babies! She loves those little ones...in fact, she has talked about moving up to the three year olds if there is room in the class for another volunteer because she misses the ones that have already moved into there. She also serves on the children's Praise Band in the Movers and Shakers! She goes around the house singing her songs and doing the motions! I love it!

All this is coming today, this morning because God woke me up at 5 for coffee! I love it when He does that! Morning has always been my favorite time of day. I love it when my house is quiet and it is just me, God, my coffee and my Bible! However, over the past couple of years as I have battled depression, mornings have turned into very hard times for me. So on mornings like this when He just wakes me up and speaks, I love it! Well, at 6, Callie's alarm goes off. She had set it so that she could get up and move her laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go back to bed! Seriously, what 10 year old does their own laundry (she is not required to do this) much less sets their alarm to get up and switch it?! I am blessed to have her as a daughter! She is amazing and I can't wait to see what God does with her life!

Callie Grace, I love you!!!!

~Mom

For My Children

I have put it off as long as I can. Kind of like the post about it! I want to send a video to my (well, God's children) at the home. I want them to know that "MOther HollyAnn" has not forgotten them. I want them to know that this is a good move that I fully support and believe is an answer to prayer!

A family is traveling next week, so I am sending it with them and have to get it in the mail. I am also sending some notes with Bibles to some older boys who will more than likely age out even if the adoptions open before we can get them out or boys that I just think need to know they are God chosen leaders...whether in Liberia or America!

So today may be hard, but when I am weak then He is strong! Love it!

Lover of Truth

So this is why you stay in the Word even during those times that it seems to bring nothing or your prayers seem to hit the ceiling...because if you keep at it, eventually, the ceiling will open up and His love and truth will pour down as it did this morning for me! I am basking in what He brought me that encouraged me beyond belief during this really difficult time.

Turning over the orphanage has left all kinds of doubts. And satan takes those and runs with them. I have tried to battle them, but really, as tired as I am of battles, I have allowed myself to just lay down and wallow in some of the doubts. But this morning, the Holy Spirit picked me up and brushed me off and said, "We need to get moving! There is a mountain ahead that you will miss if you stay in this valley. There is more valley ahead and the mountain to climb to get to the top, but if we don't get moving, we will never make it." So I am walking again!

I ordered a book several weeks ago called Embraced by the Father. It is evident in my struggles that I truly don't know the character of God. If I truly understood WHO He is, I wouldn't struggle with many of the doubts and unbelief that surface right now. So I felt led of the Spirit to do some studying of WHO God is. I have started and stopped this book throughout the past few weeks as I have struggled through this time. But this morning, God reminded me why I MUST know WHO He is and stay in the Word! And boy am I glad I did!

This morning was on El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One. Even as I wrote that title on my journal to begin the study, I kind of rolled my eyes. I know, not so respectful to the Almighty, Creator, but it was where I was. He hasn't felt so All Sufficient lately. But that's the great thing about God - He doesn't change with how I "feel"!

I am so encouraged to be reminded from 2 Cor 12 that when I am weak, that is when He is strong. This time in my life right now is a time for Him to shine like no other! I am beat down, discouraged and feel totally inadequate. So this is a time when He can swoop into my life and show me how I can be strong in Him in all these areas! The outside world might never see a difference, but I will know, and hopefully it will be reflected somehow to the outsie world, that every step I take is because God has given me the power to do so and He will receive the glory for it!

The last of the author's chapter sums it up for me:

"[speaking of Sarah and Abraham] Sarah chose to dance with El Shaddai. Although she laughed at first, she decided to believe he could do what He said He could do. Sarah put aside her deficiency to allow His sufficiency to lead her to the path of motherhood. She knew that God Almighty was enough, is enough and will always be enough. Me too. I know that despite my lack of proficiency in any task, if God Almighty - the All Sufficient One - wills it for me, He will lead me in the perfect divine cadence to accomplish it."

I am encouraged!!

The "Thing"

It's now 2:00 am. The Thing I didn't want to do is done!

I haven't blogged about it because there were many steps before I really felt comfortable talking about it publicly. Now that its out there, I'm sure posts about how we got here, how I've gotten here, wherever "here" is, will come.

For now, let me just say, it's been hard...well...hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Why was it so hard? I can give you many reasons....some make sense...some are excuses...some you would understand....some you wouldn't.

There have been many steps in the process of turning over the orphanage to Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions. When the decision was first made, and everyone agreed to make the transition, there was relief. The burden of feeding 40+ children and paying the salaries of 16+ staff (who then feed their families both immediate and extended) every month has been a heavy one. God has been faithful. I don't ever want to go without giving Him full credit for the blessings He has poured out on us as we struggled this year and a half. But almost every month our checking account would literally go to less than $100. I would know that there would be a phone call or e-mail saying they were on their last bag of rice. John and I have supported it personally until we almost put ourselves in personal financial ruin. But that is a post for another time! So having that burden lifted by Lifesong taking over was a huge...well...relief doesn't really describe it...but it is the best I have.

But like any good idea, it has to come to fruition. With each step that brought us closer to the reality of Addy's Hope no longer having an orphanage, the harder it became. The last couple of weeks have been agony. There is no other word for it. The process has put me in a crisis of faith that I haven't seen since I came home from Africa without Eden.

I always get blasted when I put that on here....that I have a crisis of faith...but I am here to tell you if you haven't had a crisis of faith yet, then you probably aren't doing anything with your faith! I know very few people who are walking a life totally sold out to Jesus that don't have crisis of faith. When you walk by faith and not by site, things just don't look like we are used to them looking....that rocks your world. As I always say, it is not the crisis that is an issue, it is what you do with it that is! Even as recent as yesterday, I wasn't sure I would make it out of this crisis. I was ready to sit right down in the valley and stay there.

I know that's wrong! I know all the "right" answers. But the thought that backing off of God's work would bring less attacks..well..that sounds pretty good! It would not be truthful to say any different!

What do you do when the thing that you have poured five years of your life into seems to come to a crashing halt? Not a nice little end that you can put a bow on and has no lose ends or frayed edges? This ending has more questions than answers! It has left me wondering how I will take any step of faith from this point forward. The thing that has taken me to the brink of insanity more than once over the past five years, the thing that has strained my marriage more than any other one thing in the past twelve years, the thing that has taken me from my children more than any other thing in this life....it is ending with what by my human eyes seems to be worthless results. Don't get me wrong, I see the value in Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions taking it over! I truly am excited to see what God does with it now....but why couldn't He have done that through Addy's Hope? Not because I care what name is on it, but because I love the children. Because I had that vision and would like to have seen it fulfilled. Because I have had to give up more dreams in this life than I have seen fulfilled....and I'm not talking earthly, worldly dreams! I am talking God-given visions for Kingdom work.

I don't understand it. I know that I will grow through this. In fact, as I e-mailed Emmanuel and the Knapps just a little bit ago, God brought to mind what has come to be knows as my "least favorite scripture", James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As I always say, the only problem with that, is that there is an assumption that you want maturity! Lately, maturity hasn't been on the top of my list...in fact, throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists sounds much more appealing!

I have questioned everything from my ability to hear God all the way to His actual existence. Why? Why does a Christian who truly desires to serve and love God with all her heart end up in this place - a place where she even questions His mere existence? I am sure there are many reasons, but as God showed me tonight, one of the biggest is pride. I hate my flesh! I hate the fact that I feel entitled to anything in this life after God sent His only Son knowing the fate He would have. I hate it knowing that Jesus faced far more undeserved persecution than ever I will and endured it all because He loves me! But no matter how much I hate it, its there! When I have been at my lowest the past couple of weeks, I have actually said the words. I have actually spoken with my mouth the vile pride that says I deserve something because I have chosen God's way.

Even in choosing God's way, I deserve death. I deserve death because I am a sinner! No matter how hard I try, I will always be a sinner! That is what happened at the fall! But God saved me! And because of that I owe Him my life....heartache and all...I owe Him.

God,
Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my selfish ways. Thank You for saving me. Thank You that even when I have turned my back on you over the past few weeks, Your Word says you have never left me nor forsaken me. Thank you that those words are true whether I believe them or not! Your love amazes me! It brings me to my knees and puts me on my face! As I have said so many times through this ordeal, may it bring You glory and praise! Even out of the pitiful acts of selfishness I have committed these last weeks, may You be glorified and praised! God help me do better! May I look more like you now than when this started.
I love you, Abba!
~Your Daughter

It's Done!

Thank you Lord for grating me the strength, the words, the opportunity.

It's Done!

It is here.

The thing I don't want to do...

It's 11:34
I can't sleep
My house is quiet
My mind will not be

There is something I need to do
Something I don't want to do
Something I have needed to do for some time
Something I don't know how to do
Something that has grown harder with each step
Even as I got out of bed knowing I wouldn't sleep until it was done...
I found things to do to procrastinate doing it
Like totally messing up my blog while trying to redesigning it

I can put it off no longer
Slow obedience is no obedience
God has said to do it
I must do it
I don't know how
I sit with my Bible beside me
I will read until I know how
Until I have the words and more than that, the strength

It is a good thing
It is a God thing
More good than not
so many questions
So few answers

It is time
"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." ~Isaiah 7:9
Lord, help my unbelief!

Lifesong for Orphans

This banner has great signficance to me...more to come....

What if he sank?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if some of the Bible stories we read turned out differently? I have a lot here lately! We all know the story of Peter and how he walked on the water. If not, here it is!

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

But what if the story was written differently? What if Peter sank the moment he stepped out of the boat? What if he never walked on water? Yes, Peter did sink eventually when he let the water and wind scare him - and Jesus corrects him saying he had little faith and asking why he doubted? What would Jesus have said to him if he sank the moment he got out of the boat? What would the moral of the story be then?

I know I will probably get blasted for this post because I usually do when I am as transparent as I am going to be right now. You see, if my "walks of faith" were recorded in the Bible like Peters, then the moment I stepped out in faith would be a sinking moment. Walking on the water rarely happens for me. When God says, "Come to me and come in faith forgetting the storm around you;" I usually sink with the first step! I know He told me to come! I know I walked in all the faith I as a human at this point could muster, and I learned a lot in the step and the wet of the water, but I want to walk on the water to SEE the miracle - to SEE my faith become sight before sinking and getting wet! It has left me questioning faith, questioning trust, questioning God and the directions I have received from Him in the past and where He is leading me now. I am in a hard place.

I know the Truths...I know what the Bible says! I know unbelief is the biggest obstacle to most Christians living the abundant life, and I am no different! I am wrestling with God. I am sure I will come away with a limp...or a missing limb or two...but I believe God is big enough to handle my questions! I believe He would rather me wrestle with Him and ask these questions that to just stick my head in the sand and pretend like I know all the answers and none of the hard stuff bothers me.

My prayer these days is simple....God, show yourself to me! Not in the little ways you do everyday, I know He is here, but in a HUGE - this can ONLY be God way! I just need to know He is real and that He loves me the way He says He does. Should he have to do this? NO! He already did it when He went to the cross, I know that! I know I deserve death, but I have life instead. But despite that, I am struggling with trust - with belief - with faith. I think this struggle is healthy! I am wrestling through it to come out stronger on the other side. It is different than my struggles in the past - it is making me dig deeper - it is stretching me like I have never been stretched. It is taking every once of my being not to believe the lies that are hurled out me moment by moment - the ones that are reinforced by almost every circumstance in my life right now - but are in total contradiction to the Word!

So I pray on my armor every morning and usually feel it falling off by the time I leave the room I am studying in...I find myself just standing in one place saying, "Jesus!" over and over again as I know that is the only name that will silence the voices and bring the peace that passed all understanding.

Jesus, if it is you, tell me to come to you and don't let me sink! And forgive me for my unbelief even before I have stepped out of the boat!

The Journey: Foster Due Date

I was talking to another foster parent the other day, and she asked, "when's your next court date?" I had to smile because I realized how often I ask and am asked that these days! That is usually the first question I ask a fellow foster parent if I know they are fostering to adopt. And it is usually the first question we are asked by people who know the process of foster to adopt. So it hit me that this is the "when are you due" question for foster parents! When you see a friend who is pregnant, or find out a friend is pregnant, you usually ask, "When are you due?" But for foster parents, that question is "when is your court date?" because that court date is what determines if that precious child gets to be in your family forever or will be moved or returned to their biological family. Just an interesting parallel I drew as we continue to walk this new journey of fostering!

The Journey: Time with the family

So today we spent a couple of hours with the family - Baby Girl's maternal grandmother and half-siblings. It is all just so surreal. I have never been a cheerleader for open-adoption, and still am not really, just one more way I am politically incorrect in the adoption world. However, I am enjoying seeing where this relationship with Baby Girl's family goes. The grandmother respects boundaries, in fact, we haven't really had to put any up because she is very guarded about being intrusive. We text off and on to update her on Baby Girl's progress, and I e-mail her pictures every now and then.

It has put me in a position I never really wanted to be in, but at the same time am enjoying. God, once again, is stretching me, and this time, it is pretty enjoyable! From some of the questions Noah asks, I feel having a relationship with Baby Girl's biological half-siblings will be beneficial. We will have answers for her that we don't have for Noah. We have told Baby Girl's Grandmother from the beginning that we want to maintain contact with her and the children. We will let Baby Girl dictate what the "contact" looks like. If at anytime when she is older, it becomes confusing or she asks to not be involved with the biological family, we will honor that. It is unfamiliar ground...quite unnatural territory as you look at children who look just like the mother of the baby you hold and care for and wonder if she will look just like them? You know the pain some of those children have been through in years past, and you pray that the baby you love as your own for today will never have to face those same pains.

Not really sure what emotions are going through me right now...not really sure what to do with what emotions I have. This is all unfamiliar, unnatural and unreal! I feel like I am on the outside looking in so many times as I have always said I wanted to foster, but just couldn't do it because I couldn't let go. Some days, I stare at the chunky cheeks creased in a smile at me and wonder how I got here! How did I end up with this precious baby girl sitting in my lap staring up at me with such trusting eyes? Will I ever have to let those eyes go? Will I ever have to tell her good-bye? If I do, will I survive? Well, the answer to that is "yes", but sometimes it feels like it would be "NO!"

As I struggle through the emotions sometimes, God gently reminds me of something He gave me several weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about fostering. I realized as I talked about my fears of letting Baby Girl go, and God quietly spoke, "You are only promised today with all of your children. I have not promised you tomorrow with any of them." As I hear those words, Addy's sweet face, the one from the only picture we have of her, crept into my mind! The sound of Eden screaming as she was ripped from my came flooding through my ears - and I knew He spoke Truth. Today is all I am promised with any of my children! I don't love my other four children less because there is a chance they will not be here tomorrow. Why would I love her any less either? So my saying now is that we love Baby Girl for today because for today, she is ours! Tomorrow will come and then it will be today, and if we have her, we will love her....just as I do all my children!

And so The Journey continues....

You asked for it...

You asked for it, so here it comes! I have had many people over the past 10 years tell me I should write a book. I kind of laugh it off. But when I retold the story of Eden on Ava's birthday, there were three or four people who again, said, "You should write a book!" After the second person, with each person that said it, the Little Voice that often whispers in my ear said, "They are right, you should write a book." Since I have purposed to listen to that Little Voice more in my life, I am now writing a book! So those of you who have ever said, "You should write a book," need to know that when it is published, you WILL be purchasing one! Hee! Hee! That way I know I will sale at least 10 or so!

John has brought me on his business trip, and God was clear that this was the perfect time to start the book...and really, for the first time, He has given me a clear picture of what to call it and what it is to be about....most definitely NOT about me! But about how HE has worked in my life and called me to the things in my life for HIS purposes. So I am sitting in our hotel room while John is at his conference, overlooking the ocean and boardwalk (pretty close to heaven I think) with no children, sitting at table with my word processor open and ready to type....so here it goes! I'm writing a book!

Girls are so much fun!

Anyone will tell you that I love my boys! I LOVE the mother/son connection. There is nothing sweeter than one of my boys coming up out of the blue for a hug or kiss or crawling in my lap to watch tv or just to chat! For some reason that is just a unique feeling with my boys...love it when my girls do it too, but my love to see that tenderness in my boys!

But baby girls are just about the most fun I think I can have in life! I know, I probably need to get a life if that is true.....we will talk about that in about 19 years! LOL!

I have had so much fun with Baby Girl! Actually we all have! Callie and I have some tifts about who gets to dress her...well, usually if Callie is willing to get her ready, I'm game with whatever she puts her in unless I already had a specific outfit in mind. Callie is a HUGE help with Baby Girl! I realize more and more how much you have to work as a team the larger your family becomes!


So here are some fun pics of Baby Girl over the past couple of weeks. Pink, bows, watermelons, crowns, we do it all!

Still here...

Haven't posted in a while...have lots to post...just not much time or not much energy or not much to share on a public forum or not sure my thoughts would make sense to the world our there...much like this sentence! Ha!

We are enjoying the summer and I am ready for the kids to be out of school! I am looking forward to a fun filled summer reconnecting again as a family as we have let too much get in the way of our family this year! With the addition of Baby Girl, we need to get back to some family time routines!

I was going through pictures, and I have so many to post....maybe I will get a couple up here in a bit....just wanted to let everyone know I'm still around! :)

First Family Swim

Today was our first family swim! (that translates into: today was the first day the water was warm enough for John and I to get in! ) It was also Baby Girl's first swim! It was a great day! My brother and sister-in-law were here from Indiana. My brother and Dad helped John fix our van. We all had lunch together and the ladies and kids swam while the guys worked on the car. Then later in the evening John came and swam with us. This is why I love summer! We get to spend time outside as a family!

I think I will finish the day with a little time scrapbooking! That will be the perfect end to a perfect day!

P.S. And now I have proof from the photo of Noah that when I say my children are climbing the walls, I mean it! :)

My prayer....

No one told me that in adoption work adoptive parents would be supportive until things went wrong, and those parents that sang your praises when things went right would be the first to slit your throat when things beyond your control went wrong. No one told me in ministry that the Christians would be the hardest to deal with. My only escape and comfort right now are in the words of David who had enemies pursuing him at times as well! So these are my prayers to God, just as David sent them up so many years ago!

Psalm 5
Prayer for Protection from the Wicked.

1Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my groaning.
2Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray.
3In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice;
In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.
4For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness;
No evil dwells with You.
5The boastful shall not stand before Your eyes;
You hate all who do iniquity.
6You destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the man of bloodshed and deceit.
7But as for me, by Your abundant loving kindness I will enter Your house,
At Your holy temple I will bow in reverence for You.
8O LORD, lead me in Your righteousness because of my foes;
Make Your way straight before me.
9There is nothing reliable in what they say;
Their inward part is destruction itself
Their throat is an open grave;
They flatter with their tongue.
10Hold them guilty, O God;
By their own devices let them fall!
In the multitude of their transgressions thrust them out,
For they are rebellious against You.
11But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
12For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD,
You surround him with favor as with a shield.
Psalm 6
Prayer for Mercy in Time of Trouble.

1O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.
3And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O LORD--how long?
4Return, O LORD, rescue my soul;
Save me because of Your loving kindness.
5For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
6I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
7My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
8Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
9The LORD has heard my supplication,
The LORD receives my prayer.
10All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

Can I ask you to pray for my, my Liberian staff, my husband and our board as we seek God's way to deal with these issues? Pray for us that we would have the heart and mind of Christ as we deal with the false accusations that can have devastating effects on the children who remain in the home and need us to care for them. Pray that God would silence the mouths of the lying and wicked as it says in the Psalms. Pray that He would raise up warriors to fight for these children even against the falseness that is being spread here in the US.

If you don't think adoptions are of the heart of God, talk to someone who works in adoptions...listen to the stories of the attacks...even internal ones...they rarely come from the "world" in my experience. The enemy is determined to destroy adoptions. If we don't have warriors raising up to fight this battle on our knees, we will lose. Please pray with us!

Pretty in Pink

Oh how I wish I could show you this precious girl! She would steal you away with one smile! We lovingly refer to her as "Chunky Monkey"! We had a fun photo shoot with a sweet dress I splurged on....so here is what I can show of Baby Girl!

As I told someone the other day, we don't know what will happen in the future, but for today, we love her as if she is ours because for today she is....and today is really all we are gauranteed with any of our children!

Happy Birthday, Ava Claire!

Four years ago today joy was born into my heart again!
Many of our friends now did not know us four years ago. They didn't know us when we walked the journey preceding Ava. So I figured on her birthday, I would reflect a little on just what God did through Miss Ava!
I went to Sierra Leone, West African in June/July 2005. I went to complete the adoption of our surviving twin, Eden. I was there three weeks. I fell madly in love with a little girl that I had to leave behind...having her ripped off my neck the last time I saw her thinking I would return in three days to get her. That was almost five years ago, and is still the last image I have of her.
What that trip did to me was life changing. Not for the better at the beginning. But after wrestling with God that has left me with a limp, it changed me for the better. Mainly, it taught me to trust in God, not an outcome! My faith is not in outcomes, but in the God that provides the outcomes!
In the months following my return without Eden, hope was hard to find and joy was even more elusive! I read the scriptures that said God offered the abundant life, but I had just walked the most faith filled journey of my life only to have it end in what I viewed as total disaster. I truly was at the biggest crisis of faith I have had thus far. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure God even existed much less cared about little 'ol me!
Just two months after returning from Sierra Leone, John and I were arguing about who would go back to get Eden. I was determined that I would since she had already bonded with me. I don't even remember the reasons why he thought he should go. All I know is that we were still making plans for one of us to fly back and pick her up as soon as the Embassy had finished their field investigation and gave us the green light! Then I started feeling extremely exhausted! We were using preventative measures, so I couldn't really wrap my head around being pregnant...besides; we still had a four year old who was coming home any day now! I couldn't handle that many preschoolers and be pregnant!

I kept putting the signs off as stress. But one night, I decided to find out for sure. Hadn't even told John that I suspected anything. When that little line showed up, I was stunned! So I went into John about 2 or 3 in the morning and flipped on the light (I always seem to tell him about my pregnancies in the middle of the night!) and said, "Well, it looks like you win, you will be going to get Eden!", then showed him the test. He sat straight up in bed and said, "What?!" So I said it all again as it soaked in for him.
We were excited, but still shocked and not sure how we would do it financially, emotionally or physically! But as always, we saw today, God saw tomorrow.
Just two months after we found out that Ava was on her way, we would receive the devastating news that Eden would probably not come home, and in January 2006 we would receive the definite "no" to our visa request. Without living in Sierra Leone for 6 months, my baby girl who bonded from the start and called me momma and held on to me with all the might her weak little arms could muster that last time I would see her would not be coming home. I was quite sure that life would end. I wasn't sure how to go on....then I would remember the life growing inside of me. The life that we hadn't planned, but that God had placed there as a magnificent surprise. In those moments, all I could think was that I had a life inside of me to protect. Getting too upset or distraught would put that life at risk, at least in my mind. So I knew I had to put one foot in front of the other.
As the months went on and my belly grew, my emotions were a mess. We had waited over a year and a half for Eden, and now she would not be coming home. A friend who was adopting at the same time from Sierra Leone and I would say it was like being eternally pregnant! We kept expecting, but no birth! There was an irrational part of me that wondered if at the end of nine months I would really have a baby or if the doctors would say, “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t really mean May! Please fill out this other stack of papers and we will set a new date!” I still had the experience of my first pregnancy when we lost our baby that haunted me also. Being pregnant didn’t mean a baby at the end anymore than adoption did! I was scared to hope, scared to feel, but most of all scared to trust!
That morning as they prepped me for the c-section, I was so ready to meet my baby girl! But as they took me into the delivery room, anxious doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. The longer it took that anesthesiologist to get my spinal finished, the less I could breath. They hadn’t let John come in with me while they were prepping me. I think I asked the nurse 10 times if they had gone to get him yet. When he finally was allowed in, I was a mess! My usually strong woman demeanor left and all I could say to him was don’t leave me! Stay right here (which meant that he couldn’t look over the sheet and give me a play by play of this birth as he had Callie…..but he had already been instructed not to do that even if I was not a mess….no woman needs to hear her husband say, “they just put your stomach on your chest!”) .
It seemed like it took forever for them to get her out. When they finally did, I heard a cry that was full of gurgle and not clear at all…but in that moment, I was filled with joy and peace! All fear was gone. It was as if her birth brought back the joy that had been taken from me with the past two years of losing Eden and Addy! Dr. Nabulsi quickly showed me a very blue little face and rushed off to the nursery. I didn’t really get to see her, but knew from the color, she needed to get to the nursery so just kissed what skin I could see and told them to go.
As I have shared this story over the years, I am always quick to point out that no child can replace another. Ava in no way “replaced” Eden or Addy. I still ache from time to time to hold Eden in my arms and wonder if God’s plan will someday include her living in our home as a physical part of our family (for she will always be my daughter whether I ever lay eyes on her again or not!) And Addy’s life was snuffed out way too quickly…yet I see the impact her life had on so many through Addy’s Hope. So while Ava could not replace them, she represented something priceless from a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever love any of these girls or ever even comprehend! Ava was a promise that life would go on! I would not die from a broken heart. Her first cry brought a promise that joy would return and life would be full and abundant again! Even through the next 36 hours that required her to be under oxygen, I had no doubts. The moment she breathed her first breath of air on this earth, God touched me in a way He hadn’t before. I can’t say that my trust had been fully restored, as I still struggle through that with Him, but I knew He loved me and had not forgotten me as I had so often wondered over the past years!
Every time I look at Ava’s sweet smile, I am reminded that God knew when He ordered her to be knit in my womb that I would need her as a reminder over the next year that God loves me and intends for life to continue after heartache and devastation! She is a reminder that God holds the future in His hands and has perfect plans that I can never imagine!
So today, my precious Ava, I celebrate your life! A life that has taught me to love deeper and trust fuller! Happy Birthday, Baby A! Mommy loves you!

Pray for Chrissie

We have a sister church in Austin. The Pastor's wife sent me the link to Chrissie's caring bridge journal. Please take a moment to pray for Chrissie. She was adopted from Serbia by this precious family so she could receive the medical treatment she needs. She had her second open heart surgery on April 19 - her heart stopped, but they brought her back - she and her family are still fighting for her precious life. Please say a pray asking God, the Healer, to touch her and restore her health!


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/forgottensawranch

The Journey: FINALLY!

We have had Baby Girl on what is called a "Fictive Kin" placement. But we were still pursuing our foster license. Seems like it has taken us forever! But I took one cat and one dog to get vaccinated today, and I think that is the last step we have to do! Tomorrow is the last home visit for the home study. Then we just have to wait for the home study to be finished and CPS to get us in the system. We have been told by the 16th, we will be official foster parents! WooHoo!!!! It is a grueling process, but well worth it! Really nothing is hard, just time consuming. If you are considering it and live in the West Texas area, PLEASE take the classes and see if this is for you. Our are is in dire need of foster families! Our children are having to be sent to Abilene and other areas because there are no homes available here. That is so traumatic on the older children...they lose everything familiar including their town and school!

Becoming official foster parents doesn't really change much except we will have more rules as we will be under Buckner and not just a "friend of the family" watching their child. It also means we will receive the stipend from the state to offset costs. I always thought it was small potatoes, but actually, it is a very helpful amount. Obviously we would do it regardless, we have been for almost two months, but the reimbursement will come in handy as she grows and needs more clothes, more toys, etc. We are thankful!

As part of finishing the process, we had to decide how many children we want to be licensed to take and what ages, etc. Obviously race doesn't matter to us. In our state, you can have up to 6 children including your own. If you go over 6, you become what is called a "group home". These are not looked on with favor by CPS (so we have been told), and you also usually have to take in older kids. So we know we want to stay at 6 or below. This means we could only take in one more child. We haven't totally made our decision, but as we talked tonight, the things to consider are many. One, we aren't an easy going family evidently! Madison coming threw all our systems into chaos. I can't imagine doing that every time a child comes in and out of our home the way some foster families do! My hats off to you guys! The other major concern is transportation. We do not have a car that seats 8. If we took in another child, we would have to take two cars everywhere we go as a family including vacation! God would have to bless us with a different car if we were able to even go on vacation. We can take two cars, but that presents problems as we do quite a bit of driving to our parents' houses which are 30 and 50 miles away. That is a lot of extra gas with two vehicles. So we will continue to pray and seek God. The nice thing is that even if we make a decision and then change our mind, we can amend the home study. The important thing is that we do what God leads...not what "makes sense".

Those who know me, know what I would do! I would take them all! I still have a little dark girl on my heart! Have no idea if that is God or just some left over 'issues' with Eden and Addy. But I trust God will reveal in time. Today has enough trouble of its own! :) For now, I know that God has blessed me with five amazing children that I don't even begin to deserve! As for a number 6? Well, the verdict is still out! And after tomorrow, we will have the option of adding number 6 pretty easily! Pretty exciting...and scary! So The Journey continues......

Aristotle visits Liberia

Criticism is something we can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing. ~Aristotle

I don't usually quote Aristotle, but this was in a book I am reading and hit home. I imagine this will end up on a canvas in my office! This has been one of the hardest lessons of the ministry I am in and the government work God has called me to in Liberia. So often, I know without a doubt what God is calling me to do, yet it goes against the positive public opinion. Many times it is just because when you sit in different seats you see different angles. Sitting in the seat I am in as adoption professional, been there done that adoptive parent, and person talking to the government officials, I have a different angle than many of my critics. I am also charged with the job of caring for all children, not just my personal ones who I want to adopt. I know I made this same mistake as an adoptive parent talking to my adoption agency. I just wanted Eden home, well Eden and the other two children who were being adopted when I want to get Eden. But those to come after them really weren't my concern, but they should have been.

I have been quiet many times for fear of backlash. But what God has revealed to me over the past few weeks is that the only fear that is appropriate, is fear of HIM! He is the one holding Victory in His hands. He brought this home again over Easter. He has conquered the grave. That same spirit that raised Jesus from death lives in me! Why do I have fear of man? Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!

There are two people that I have dealt with in Liberia who have amazed me time and again at their actions. One is just two people removed from the President. He is a Deputy Minister which is like the officials in the US government who are directly under Secretaries of the different government entities such as the Secretary of State. Mr. Joseph Geebro is Deputy Minister of Health and Social Welfare. My first encounter with this man was when a UNICEF worker advised him to put the passports of my son and the other 8 children being adopted with him on hold. He is the reason that we almost did not get to bring Toben home. He is the reason all of our adoptive families had to pay thousands of dollars to have their plane tickets changed plus the expense of staying in Liberia an extended time. However, I am pleased to say that God has replaced that money! It was His anyway! But that was just the beginning.

Since that time, this man has continually stepped in the way of Liberian children receiving care. In just our tiny organization in Liberia he has held our container captive ultimately requiring us to pay $7,000 in taxes to get what should have been a duty free container out of port. Thus he stopped the construction of a school for the children of Margibi County in Liberia. That $7,000 was going to build the walls and desks to complete the school. So thanks to Mr. Geebro, the children of Marbigi County still don't have a free school on the road to Marshall. The shell sits there, waiting for us to have the funds to complete it and open it. The Ministry of Education in Liberia is so excited about our efforts. Unlike the Ministry of Health, they have been so supportive and told us that they will help in any way they can to see that our efforts to help the Liberian children are successful. What a concept!

The next major intervention of Mr. Geebro came as the death of Matthew, a precious little boy that God entrusted to our care. Matthew's parents had been to three other organizations begging for help, but had been turned away. We were the first ones to say we would take him and all that entailed. He was our first special needs baby. Matthew taught me more than any other child we have had in our care! Matthew will live on in my heart forever...he will be memorialized in many of the actions I take as he is the motivation for them! Matthew lost his fight for life when the Ministry of Health, specifically, Geebro's office and a lady that works for him Ms. Lydia Sherman, refused to allow Matthew to travel to Ghana for the medical care he so desperately needed. We had done everything we knew to do for Matthew. We were not comfortable with Matthew having surgery in Liberia as we were concerned about what would be found when he was opened. However, unknown to me at the time, another US organization was working with the Ministry of Health. This organization was putting Matthew on their blog as if they were in charge of his care....not paying a dime or providing any food or workers for his care....but claiming he was in their care. I am pretty sure that is called fraud, but once again, any words I said in this situation made me out to be the bad guy, back to that criticism quote, while I was the one who had been fighting for Matthew all along! I was the one paying personally for his care when the agency couldn't afford it. I was the one doing the fundraiser to raise the $2,000 he needed for medical care. Which by the way, the amazing foundation called the Hext Foundation, made sure Matthew had all he needed....yet Geebro and Sherman said, NO! He can't leave because he might disappear. Disappear??? He was traveling with the woman that THEY sent to us! We were just working under what we though were their efforts to save Matthew only to find out they would block his care! I was furious! But remained silent for fear of retaliation and because of other people here affected by Matthew's death who would later turn on me as well...another lesson of how pleasing God is the ONLY way to be motivated..people are fickle! The Ministry of Health along with this organization in the US would arrange for Matthew to have surgery in Liberia and would remove him from our custody. Within only three days of Matthew being placed in the care of this other organization at the demand of the Liberian Ministry of Health, Matthew was gone. He lost the battle with life. Lydia herself told us that the home was not fit for foster children and the conditions Matthew were in were not sanitary. Really? Then why did you order him to go there? Aren't you charged with caring for the children of Liberia? Isn't that the whole purpose of the MINISTRY OF HEALTH AND SOCIAL WELFARE?!

Then most recently, Geebro has been accused of taking the government subsidy checks for 18 orphanages over the past 9 months. The Ministry of Health was supposed to close down these orphanages and relocate/reunify the children. But guess what? He didn't! The children are still in the care of these orphanages, the only difference? Geebro took their money! The man in charge of seeing to the well-being of Liberian children was pocketing the money given by the government to feed them. Did you see that in the Liberian papers? Of course not! Why? Because we are afraid? Afraid of what he will do since his office is in "control" of adoptions.

Well, I'm not afraid anymore! You know why? Because as I was reading my Bible this morning, I started counting the number of times I have "Geebro" written in my Bible. Why? Because as I read, God gave me promises over this man over the past2.5 years! You see, God doesn't take kindly at all to people messing with His orphans! In fact, God says it is better for a man to tie a heavy brick around his leg and jump in a lake than to cause one of his little ones harm! God also says in Proverbs 25 that the Redeemer is strong and will not plead the case of anyone who goes into the field of the fatherless. Now, these officials may not be afraid of me, and they may not think I have any power over them, but God sure does! They may get by with this for awhile, but God will have the final say....just as He did at the Resurrection! Praise God!

So here are a few places where Geebro is written in my Bible:

• Proverbs 22 ~ Do not rob the poor because he is poor, or crush the afflicted at the gate; for the Lord will plead their case and take the life of those who rob them. ~ In Jesus Name!


• Proverbs 11 ~ The righteousness of the blameless will smooth his way, but the wicked will fall by his own wickedness. ~ In Jesus Name!


• Proverbs 10 ~ He who walks in the integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out. ~ In Jesus Name! ~ Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool...what the wicked fears will come upon him, but the desire of the righteous will be granted. ~ In Jesus Name! ~ The way of the Lord is a stronghold (protection) to the upright, but ruin to the workers of iniquity ~ In Jesus Name!

And that is just in Proverbs! These are God's promises to me! This is what God has said to me when I have said, should we forget about adoption in Liberia? Should we cave to the demands of UNICEF and Save the Children as they make demands on these government officials if they want to keep their money! I have spoken to NUMEROUS senators, the Minister of Health the advisor to the President, even the Vice President of Liberia. They all know what this man is doing yet he holds his position! I pity these leaders when they get to judgement day as the blood of Matthew as well as the numerous other children who have been denied life because of the direct actions or their careless attitude toward the complaints brought to them about Geebro's office! God will have the final say regardless of what is done or not done on this earth!

The battle has been lonely lately! We have a group of adoption service providers. We are working together, a huge miracle in and of itself! But we are all weary as well. We feel like our efforts to help the children of Liberia are blocked at every angle and the ones with power in Liberia are really not concerned about the children. Like in any political game, they are not the "hot topic", so they get ignored. Adoptive parents are weary. Of course! Many have had their lives on hold for two years or more. That is eternity when you are waiting on a child! It wears you down and wears you out. There are really no words to describe it. When you are in that place, you want someone to blame. And I am the easiest person. I become the bad guy. That makes the battle even lonelier.

But then I read the quote again. Even when it is the people I am helping who want to turn against me, I still must fight on. Why? Because it is the children who need me...and ultimately, it is God I work for, not man! I have been silent because I felt maybe the crowd was right...maybe we needed to be silent and let the "system" work. Well, we are 15 months into a halt on adoptions that has seen the death of at least two children and who knows how many countless others that those of us funded by adoption fees could have helped but didn't because we have no money and our homes are full. Fifteen months into this, being quiet hasn't helped! As I was reading and praying about what to do, Proverbs 31:8-9 came to mind. I looked it up. "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." These kids are the mute! They are the unfortunate, the afflicted and needy! It is not just the kids, it is their families! They put them in our care because the conditions of Liberia and the neglect of the government brought them to a place of desperation! Proverbs 31 doesn't say be silent and wait. It says open your mouth and defend! I don't know what all that means right now, but I know sitting and waiting is over! Even if I have to go alone, God will give me the sling shot and stones to defend the giant if no army will fight with me.

If you are reading this, would you pray these scriptures with me? It is in God's Word that heaven is moved and battles are won. My bubbly, always smiling children are now forlorn and downcast. They are losing hope! I refuse to stand by while that happens! Pray with me about the next step. Is it a media campaign to expose the officials in Liberia? We have not done that because we have wanted to "play fair" while those on the other side publish untrue accounts of adoption agencies and the mistreatment/trafficking of children while they take the food right out of their mouths and we remain silent. Pray that Madam President would somehow see this post and know the acts of those in her Cabinet toward the children of her country. Pray that those here in the US dancing with the enemy would read this and tell Geebro and his office so they too can read it and hear the Word of God. Pray for their hearts to be changed. Pilot was made for the day of evil, I often wonder if that is true of these people who have all experienced the wonderful American life, whose families are still here in America while they block the poor of Liberia from being adopted and coming to have that same freedom and privilege their families enjoy. Have they too been made for the day of evil that God can use them in the same way He used Pilot, or will God use what is about to come in their demise to turn their hearts to Him and bring them to their knees and ultimately back to relationship with Him.

Pray with me! Write your Senators here in the US! Why when we are going trillions in debt are we sending millions to Liberia for them to eat the food of the children? Write your local media! Put a link to this on your blogs....to steal a Buckner motto...DO SOMETHING! Please!

God, forgive us for remaining silent. Guide us in Your ways as we seek to move forward. Silent us when we should be silent give us stones when we need to slay the giant! ~In Jesus Name ~ Amen and Amen!

I want to be like them when I grow up!

I just have to brag on my parents! I seriously could not have survived the last at least year without them! Life has been really tough. Tough in almost every way. But my parents have been there for me....in every way!

We have not always seen eye to eye! Mom and I had a great relationship growing up. It is because of her that I was so determined to be a stay at home mom, and even though God has called me into the ministries of adoption and humanitarian aid, it is the example of a mother that Mom gave me that keeps my priorities straight. My family will come first! I saw my mom be the mother to so many of my friends who had working moms. When they forgot their lunch or homework, it was my mom they called! When they wanted to know the details of sex, it was my mom they talked to. I can remember thinking at a pretty young age, I will not work because I never want my kids to have to find "another" mother! I want to be the mom like my mom is!

But even with that great relationship, we hit a bump when I was a teenager. I didn't sow any wild oats, but I am sure I wasn't always the most respectful teen either (at least that is how she tells the story! lol!). Dad got tired of being referee and we did end up in family counseling my senior year, and a decision was made that I would go to Tech the first year of college instead of living at home and going to a junior college. It was time for me to be on my own, and my wise parents recognized that and encouraged me in that way. There were rocky times after that, but through it, Mom and I always talked and tried to understand one another and make changes in the way we treated and talked to or with each other in order to preserve the relationship.

I have always been a "Daddy's Girl"! I had the best daddy a girl could dream of. He told me almost daily that I was beautiful and special! I knew that my daddy loved me unconditionally. I still know that even at 36 years old. When I would sit on my floor and cry for hours because I was overweight or because I didn't have a boyfriend, he would come sit with me, rub my back and tell me how beautiful I am. When I would tell him that he was just saying that because he was my daddy and he had to, he would always have some come back that would make me laugh and start to lift the cloud hanging over me! As I got older, he stayed the strong silent one as I faced the challenges of growing up with strong morals in what was becoming a moraless world (nothing like it is today or will be when my kids are teens!).

But even though I had an amazing childhood, we have had our differences as adults. We have had conflicting views in religion and faith. Sometimes they put a pretty big wedge between us. Mom and Dad have not always understood or even agreed with the things J0hn and I have done in our lives. Sometimes they (well Mom) was more vocal than I had wished she had been. Sometimes it caused us to have some pretty heated fights. But even in those times, we always came back and talked through it or came to a mutual agreement to agree to disagree. And I always knew the reason for any comments she made, even the ones I disagreed with, were made out of her concern for me and my well being.

Two of the things that my parents have struggled with understanding are our adoption of the children and our work in adoption that brings lots of hard ache, takes me half way around the world from my family frequently, and requires a lot of my time and energy. And most recently, my parents have wanted to commit me to the funny farm for taking on Baby Girl and all that goes with her!

BUT despite these difference and not really understanding why we do what we do and probably not even agreeing with it, they have been an invaluable help and support through the last year! I can honestly say that without them, I don't know that my family would have made it and surely would not have been able to do all God has called us to this past year!


Let me just tell you a little of what they have done. They volunteer on a regular basis at the office and send out all of my donor receipts. They spend hours making sure they have everything exactly right and have a good record of the receipts they send. Daddy has even started a donor data base for me. They are both PTA members at the kids' school. Last week, they drove teachers around to deliver pizzas for a fund raiser from 4:30 to 8:30! They were the only grandparents there! Sometimes I take for granted what they do until something like this and it hits me how unique they are in their involvement with my family!

When we had our garage sale to raise the money for our emergency fund, they came and worked. They worked for almost a week! They helped us set it up, they donated items for us to make money, mom made lunch every day we had the garage sale, mom cleaned house and did laundry during the down times of the garage sale, Daddy played taxi taking Toben to a birthday party, Daddy even took a crying Baby Girl and rocked her to sleep...that is a HUGE task for just about anyone but me (she is a momma's girl!)

They took me and the kids to the sandhills for Spring Break! Dad even bought the kids a sand disc...I had to tease him because he would NEVER have done that for Keith and I! They made all the plans, took the dinner...all the kids and I had to do was show up and enjoy the trip! It was amazing and has gone down in my kids' books as one of their favorite "vacations"...it is only a fifty mile drive and we were only gone a few house, but they still call it a vacation! Maybe we need to get out of town more often! :)

I really can't even begin to name all that they do and have done! This past week as I reflected on the involvement of my parents in my life, I was overcome with gratitude! I do not tell them enough how much I appreciate them! Have we always gotten along or seen eye to eye, NO! But through those times, we have fought for the relationship to stay in tact. And through those times, I think we have come to a mutual respect and probably have the best relationship we have ever had!

Most importantly, my parents gave me the firm foundation on which my faith has been built! They instilled in me a love and fear of God that has brought me to the place I am today. I never had "wild days" because of the foundation they laid for me. Were my parents perfect? Are they perfect? No! None of us parents are! John and I joke all the time that we better start saving now for the therapy our children will need to recover from our parenting. I believe that we as parents all do the best we can. We all give what we have to our children and sometimes that includes our baggage. My parents did their best. I was just blessed beyond measure to have won the jackpot in getting the parents I did!

I am blessed! I would not trade my parents for anyone else's! My children are blessed to have them as grandparents!

So Mom and Daddy, THANK YOU! Thank you for setting an example for me to follow of how I want to be to my children, not just as they are little, but for a lifetime. And thank you for always fighting for our relationship even during the tough times! I am so thankful we never let our differences divide us to the point of losing our relationships! I love you! God gave me the greatest gift I could have ever needed when he gave me you!

The Best Easter Ever!

Our church knows how to throw a party! We had the most amazing Easter celebration this morning! It was by far the best Easter celebration I have attended! The local symphony also participated. It was just a combination of things, but made me so appreciate our church home and who they know God is and their desire to see all people know the Victory that is ours because of what today represents!

We had dinner with John's parents last night and then dyed eggs. Today we had lunch with my parents and hunted eggs. I was so proud of Toben! We always have one empty egg that is hidden with their eggs. Toben was a little disappointed when he saw the empty egg, but then I asked why the egg was empty, and he knew right away! He said, "The cave was empty!" That's my boy!

So here are our family Easter pics minus Baby Girl who can't be posted on here! Praying you had a blessed Easter and that it doesn't end today!