The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth

We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month.  For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly.  We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process!  And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process!  It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....

In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John.  John was not unhappy at his current job.  I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine.  The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job.  I shared it with John, and that's where it sat.  There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke.  Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him.  Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career.  About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs.  He even looked into avenues outside of education.  As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past.  We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places.  As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings.  John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction.  In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved.  We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing.  But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.

When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland.  We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen!  We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us.  I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting.  We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program!  But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement.  I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?"  What?!  Why would we move, God?  You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that?  The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?"  At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to."  Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!

Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak.  God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by.  I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life.  John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay.  We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke.  We started this process with NO desire to move!  My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay!  It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving.  There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family.  I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok.  That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted.  And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.

This went on for a couple of weeks.  No clear answers, really.  Just crying out to God.  About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move.  It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking.  I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed.  I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed.  Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it.  It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us.  I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke.  It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken.  That desire you have to move, I gave that to you.  I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path.  But you refuse to trust.  You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire.  You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice."  And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie!  I knew we were moving.  What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that!  We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."

With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes.  Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?"  I replied, "Because we are moving."  She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"

I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday.  What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen.  Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible."  Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen.  That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!

We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word.  John began applying for jobs.  He has already spoken to someone about a job locally.  Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed.  It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said!  And our faith was increased!

We didn't know where we would move.  I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin.  John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was  voice of reason in education in Austin!  I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that.  But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex.  John applied with a school district outside of Dallas.  He got the interview.  We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed.  In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs!  For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage.  Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job.  He didn't get it.  The enemy came in like a storm.  The doubts started.  I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving."  Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well.  I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said!  And trusting I had heard Him.  The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home.  The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way.  What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God.  I had done it again with this job.  I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.

That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth.  I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt.  Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?"  I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him.  I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened.  I started reading right where I opened the book.  The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith."  I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see!  Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural.  The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God.  It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on.  I believe in the unseen.  I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!

Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered.  There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving.  But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly.  I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John.  I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope.  I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry!  Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances.  It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming!  During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture!  When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!

So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging!  However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move.  I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!

John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market.  In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job.  It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!"  God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.

As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions.  We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places.  It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex.  I knew it wasn't the job.

There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days.  When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way!  You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!"  So John didn't pursue it any further.  He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements.  A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up.  I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move.  He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job.  I had to repent before God and John!  John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future.  So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!

We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said.  It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids.  It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline!  It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball!  It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!

We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!

We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process.  We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives!  We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...

I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God.  Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!

Trust ME

I lay awake last night about 2 am.  I woke up wondering when the baby would be ready to be fed.  We currently have custody of our two grand-babies, ages 5 weeks and almost one year.  Maybe I will some day be able to tell the story of how they came to be with us, but for now, I can only share it has been a heartbreaking journey that I don't understand.  But they are safe, and that is what is important.  I lay awake last night going through all the scenarios that the future could hold.  From the beginning of this journey that ended in us being granted custody, the only answer God would give as I cried out for wisdom and direction was, "Trust Me.."  That's it.  A simple whisper each time:

Trust Me

There was never a direction of "do _______" throughout this entire process.  Just "Trust Me...."  We did, and He provided at each step of the way exactly what we needed: wisdom, connections, timing, diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing, bouncy seat, a friend to stay with the 8 kids four of whom are three and under so I could go work a few hours and have a quiet lunch.  So as I lay awake last night contemplating all the ways this could turn out in the end, I was not surprised to once again hear, "Trust Me...."  I kind of flippantly replied, with my "sure...." But immediately the rebuke of the Holy Spirit followed: "I didn't say trust Me that they will stay with you, I didn't say trust Me because your heart will be safe and not shattered.  I said trust Me. That means you trust in Me...not in an outcome."  

Immediately, I felt the panic rise!  Ever since I knew we would be taking the babies into our home, I have wrestled with the "what ifs" of them being taken out of my life again.  I am so tired of heartbreak.  I am so weary of battles.  I have felt a divine peace with them in our home.  There have been times when the anxiety would start to creep in, but the small whisper would say, "Trust Me...." and the peace would return.  Last night I realized I had started to take that as a confirmation that the children would stay with us, and God quickly reminded me He had not promised that.  Now I am not saying that He was saying the children will not stay with us, my Father who knows my heart, who knows my previous struggles, knew where my trust was being placed. Trust is defined by Miriam-Webster's on-line dictionary as "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; or as one in which confidence is placed."  God knew I was beginning to place my confidence in them staying...and my peace was coming from the "confidence" (mis-placed confidence!) that the children would stay with me and my heart would not be shattered once more.  In the quiet of the morning hours, God asked me again to trust HIM!  He asked, "If they go back, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I am still sovereign?  Will you trust that I am still good?  Will you still rely on my character, ability and strength and continue to walk in relationship with me?" I wish I could say I immediately repented and answered with a resounding and confident, YES, Lord!  But that was not exactly how it went!  The tears came.  My heart ached at the thought.  But in the end, I laid those babies on the proverbial alter and agreed that I would walk this path in full trust and obedience of my Lord!  I would trust and stand in belief that no matter what happens, God is good, God is faithful, God is kind, God is loving.  I chose in that moment to put my trust - my assured reliance on the character and my confidence in - God....not an outcome, but in God!  

Today that trust was challenged.  We had a meeting that brought the reality of the future into greater clarity.  I don't know what will happen in the end, but I know I will choose to trust Him with it all!  I will choose to believe He is for me and not against me!  

I have prayed Psalm 91 almost daily for the past two years.  Verse 2 says, "I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Whom I trust!"  And to that I say - Amen and Amen!

Heavenly Father Knows Best

When God said to move from our 7th house in just 8 years of marriage, I wasn't exactly respectful in my reply...in fact, I think it went something like "are you kidding me?!"  But He said to move for a swimming pool and a 5th bedroom.  We only had three children at the time!  And we were in a nice, comfortable, three bedroom, two bath home.  But God said move, so we started looking!

Today as I enjoyed one of our numerous family times in the pool, connecting and playing with 5 of our 7 children, I was reminded of how God sees the future that we have not a clue is around the corner!  God knew when he told us to move that the next 5 years would bring 4 more children.  He knew that 5th bedroom would go from a luxury to a necessity.  He knew the bedrooms that I thought were quite the waist of space because they are HUGE compared to most bedrooms these days along with their double walk in closets in each room were going to be a huge blessing to our now equally as HUGE family! He knew that the pool would provide one of the few activities that all our children with their 16 year age difference would enjoy....and it's free!

As I reflect on that, it makes some of the things God is telling me today to do that seem quite unnecessary, a little more exciting!  I could never have dreamed what the pool and 5th bedroom would mean!  Makes me want to jump into obedience in the areas God is asking me to walk right now with great anticipation of what is just around the corner that I can't see yet....but He knows!  It's a great reminder that God always knows what's best and will guide me in the paths that will bring me to more than I could ever hope or imagine if I will simply focus on Him and walk in obedience!

And now to consume some pizza with my amazing kiddos and fabulous husband while we end our Sunday family day with a movie!  Ever so thankful for the family God has built...truly a family built on faith!

Raising World Changers: The Reality

There was a quote going around a few years ago that I can't find now, but it was about raising world changers.  There have been a couple of events the past week that have reminded me that raising world changers isn't just some catchy phrase, it is a reality.  And often that reality isn't what I had pictured as being a "good mom"!

I put my 13 year old daughter on a plane this week to head half way across the country to my brother and sister-in-law for a couple of weeks.  She was traveling alone.  This trip would require her to change not only planes, but terminals in a large airport.  Our little local airport only has 4 gates...and that's what she is accustomed to.  Not to mention the fact that we rarely ever fly anywhere!  She was equipped with her boarding passes, her map of the airport she would be landing at and her cell phone.  The plan was for me to get a pass to go through security with her here and wait for her plane with her.  When we get to the ticket counter, I realize I left my driver's license in the car in the envelope with the money I had just gotten from the bank.  My heart sank! A voice started in, "What kind of mom are you? You can't even make sure you have what you need to help your daughter!" This is a voice I hear often! I silenced it long enough to finish checking Callie in and get her ready to go.  I told Callie I would text her dad who was driving around waiting for me to be done since we knew they wouldn't let both of us back and ask him to come by with my license so I could go back with her. She said, "no, I can do it." Then the voice starts in again.  We get to the security line and I go over everything with Callie again - this is where your gate is, this is the time you need to be at your gate, this is your seat number, take off your shoes, put them in the tub with your liquids and purse, etc, etc.  Then I watch as my amazing daughter bravely walks through security....alone.  On the other side, she has struck up a conversation with an older lady and they are both smiling from ear to ear.  She goes blurry as my eyes well up with tears and my heart swells with pride! Even in her own nervousness she has found the ability to connect to someone from a totally different generation and bring joy.  I holler one last "Good-bye!" and "I love you!" As she walks out of view, I hear another voice say, "When raising world changers, you can't always hold their hands.  Sometimes you just have to talk them through and pray as they try out their wings! And good moms know when to hold hands and when to watch them fly!"

And my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear that in that moment!  So many times through this journey of fostering and adoption, the enemy has tormented me with thoughts of failing my children.  I have shared before that there is no way to parent 7 children the way I parented 2.  I can't be the "everywhere, doing everything mom" that I wanted to be when I pictured myself as a mom.  I struggle with that more at some times than others.  Probably the hardest time was when we adopted from the foster system.  I was in a Bible study at the time where the talk often turned to protecting our children.  I believe in protecting my children.  What the other moms said made sense.  Many put their children in private schools or home schooled them to protect them from what they would be exposed to in school.  We talked about shows that we would or would not allow our children to watch.  It all sounded great.  There was only one problem...while these moms were protecting their children from the influences of the world, I had just invited the "world" into my home through a child who had never been protected.  She in-turn, at no fault of her own, would expose my children to the very things my friends were diligently working to protect their children from.  I would go home and cry after many of these discussions...tormented by what I had done, but knowing full well God had called us to do this.  I just couldn't reconcile the "good mom" role with what God was asking me to do.

The problem was that my "good mom" role was based on an Americanized view of parenting that says children should never hurt and should never be exposed to anything that might hurt them or even cause discomfort. Don't confuse what I am saying with putting your child in harms way physically or staying in an abusive relationship because it is building character.  That is not what I am saying at all!  But what God showed me as I watched my daughter walk by herself toward the gate to board a plane is that all she has gone through and all she is doing now is to prepare and equip her for the path God has for her! She is a world changer!  And world changers put themselves at risk! World changers know how to be hurt and forgive! World changers have to know how to handle disappointment! World changers have to know how to look a big task in the face and do it anyway! World changers have to face fears head on and walk through them!

Back in the car, headed home, I get a text..."I am at my gate!"  I respond, "Sorry again that I didn't have my license to go back with you."  And the confirmation of what God had already spoken, "It's ok.  Doing it by myself gave me the confidence I needed."  And with that I knew my World Changer had SOARED on this test flight! And I also knew God wasn't just equipping her...he was equipping me....you see I have five more World Changers coming up right behind her!

Abraham: Faith Walking

"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8

I wish I knew a little more about this obedience.  How did Abraham decide to go North or South?  Did God verbally speak with each step?  Was Abraham just led by peace as he walked?  Did Abraham start out on Monday thinking that by Tuesday God would have revealed a bit more about the journey? When God didn't show him the way immediately, did Abraham sit down and cry out of the frustration of having a fully surrendered heart willing to follow God no matter what, but not exactly sure what God wanted? Did Abraham ever take a wrong step believing it was where God said walk only to discover that wasn't it?  Was he ever disappointed along the journey?

I don't know all those details.  I wish I did as it would make a journey I am on right now a little easier, perhaps.  What I do know is that Abraham went when he didn't know his destination.  I don' t know how he knew where to head without knowing a destination, but God must have given him just enough information for the steps he needed to take right then.  He must have because what I do know is that Abraham got there! Despite the fact that he didn't know where he was headed, he got there!  And not only did he get there, but he is forever written in the history of God's story as a great man of faith that we are to imitate in our quest to be like Christ.

And if Abraham, who didn't have the Holy Spirit, the ever present Presence of God with him that I have, can walk in obedience on a journey without knowing the destination and arrive where God intended, so can I!

The Reality

Warning: this is one of my "real" posts.  I would appreciate readers just reading and not feeling the need for a sermon or reminding me of all the "right" things to think or do right now.  I know them...I'll get there.  But this is just the reality of where we are.

I am a Mimi again!  Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39.  I was blessed to be there.  He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.

My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old.  We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital.  I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.

This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are.  She is very dependent on her mom.  She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.

In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies.  But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake?  Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about?  But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her.  But all they got were screams in return.  Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.

Today we say good bye.  We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months.  Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings.  Definitely sadness and frustration.  But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed.  My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."

The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!

Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing

I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day.  Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now.  But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief.  I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post.  Stick with me.....

We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God.  We sang these words

He wraps Himself in Light,

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away.  I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.

There is a line in this song that says,

 "How Great is our God, sing with me, 

How Great is our God, that all the world will see, 

How Great is our God."

Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good.  I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.

Last night as I again sang, 

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother.  The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry!  Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp.  The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night.  And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it.  My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.  

In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting  mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!

And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me - 

"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready.  Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."

And my mourning turned to dancing.  I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light!  It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really!  It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no!  I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes!  He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!!  Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms!  Press on! Joy will come in the morning!

The Past Few Weeks: Training Ground

The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least.  Many have asked "why did you do that?!"  Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!"  But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.

When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground.  That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain.  This has been no different!  But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!

When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level.  I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff!  Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all.  It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order.  There were many times I doubted if I would succeed.  But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress!  And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!

But the real progress has been internal for me.  I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom.  Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held.  Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment.  Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me?  That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately!  And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids!  Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week!  In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare.  My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core!  I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys.  So God asked, do I trust Him?  I had to make a choice in that moment.  Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm.  His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good.  Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.

That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles!  I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job.  It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God!  I even wrote it in a prayer journal.  God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature.  So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness.  One would stop, and another would come.  Friday was the worst!  All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on.  I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep.  I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day.  Friday, I felt horrible.  The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night.  I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep.  But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there!  God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled.  (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on.  I didn't move very fast.  I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out.  I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare.  I was beating myself up as I so often do.  Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day."  I stood a little taller - that's right!  I didn't give into the despair and dread!  I got up and kept moving!

In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances.  In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job.  But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me.  And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day!  God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day.  I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances.  As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense.  Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind.  (Job 1:8)  Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright.  I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered!  But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.

I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know!  And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position.  I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me.  He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!

I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words!  God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us!  It is an exciting time to be alive!  I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways!  It will be like living at "church camp" every day!  He is equipping us for the days to come!  Let's be ready...and let's be willing!

Addy's Show: A Kiss From Heaven

We have an amazing board member who had a fabulous idea....use our communities amazingly talented theatre group to raise awareness and funds for children waiting in the foster system to be adopted!  Over the last few months the talent has started rehearsing and the processes began to pull the event off.  I haven't had my hands in a lot of it, John and Katie have ran with it.  A few weeks ago, John says, we came up with a name for the event....Addy's Show.  I just started weeping!  The minute he said it, I could see my sweet little Addy dancing before Jesus....her very own show! It is her life that has inspired our work with Addy's Hope!  It was because of her untimely death from cholera during the adoption process of her and her twin sister Eden from Sierra Leone that spurred us on to the work we have done in the world of adoption over the past nearly 9 years.

You do not want to miss this event!  If you are anywhere close to the Midland area, please go buy tickets!  It will be a first class production of "Songs for a New World".  And it will bring awareness to the over 6,000 children in Texas alone who are in need of adoptive families while they continue to wait in our very broken child welfare system!

Please join us on June 8th at Midland Community Theatre!  And please tell your friends!  You can buy tickets at www.addyshope.brownpapertickets.com.

Dance on sweet, Addy!  Until I meet you in heaven, I will use every day God gives me on earth to ensure I have done all I can to provide homes for all the "Addys" out there who need hope....the hope of a family and more importantly the hope of Jesus!

Prophecy: A Nuclear Weapon

I am reading an amazing book right now called Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton, a pastor at Bethel in Redding, CA.  You have heard me mention this church before as it is playing a vital role in my spiritual growth in this season.

The past five weeks have been rough.  I went from working 20-30 hours a week to working 60 hours a week.  For the first time in my mom career, I am working full time plus.  I started a new exercise program that has me at my workout at 5:30 which means getting up at 4.  I confess, that 4 wake up only happened a couple of times, which meant my quiet times didn't happen.  You don't maintain a relationship without feeding it!  The longer I went without my extended quiet times, the more despair crept in!  I could feel it, I went through my weapons of warfare, but couldn't shake it...until Sunday.

Kris says this:
"Prophecy is like a nuclear weapon in the hands of a believer.  It is important that we embrace the kind of prophetic culture that calls out our destiny and reminds us of God's work in our lives.  If we despise, reject or do not believe in prophecy, we play into the enemy's hands by laying down a vitally important weapon of our warfare."

Amen! My breakthrough came through a prophetic word delivered by our Pastor this weekend!  I have never sat under a pastor like Jeremy, my current pastor.  He is "pastor" in every sense of the word.  He is not perfect as no one is perfect, but he is an anointed pastor and understands like no one I have ever met what it means to shepherd his flock!  Several times since we started going to LifeHouse, Jeremy has come to us and said, when I was praying for you, God said.....  This weekend was one of those times.  He had been at a conference this week and had spent time praying for his flock.  There were a couple of families whom God spoke to him about directly, and we were one of them.  He called us up during church yesterday and spoke the Word over us and prayed for us.

If you have never seen someone operate in the prophetic, you may not fully understand what I am talking about here.  Let me challenge you to find a church where the gifts are practiced and watch when the prophetic ministry occurs.  Ask God to reveal the prophetic ministry to you. Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4 all talk about prophecy as a spiritual gift.  Remember, I was not a believer in the spiritual gifts even five years ago.  However, God placed me in battles that required all He had for me to fight with or I would have lost!  Prophecy is one of those weapons!  And this weekend it sliced through the doubt, the guilt, the frustration, the anger with God when no other weapon in my arsenal had seemed to make a dent.

The Word Jeremy spoke was exactly what John and I are facing.  It was basically that we are carrying a "wide load" and that it is taking longer than we thought because we are having to take back roads, but if we keep moving forward and pressing on, there will be a great "payday" when we get there.  That doesn't necessarily mean financial, but just that we must run the race as one who wants the price as Paul said it.

I wish I could describe what happened inside of me as Jeremy spoke.  But I can't really put it to words other than to say it encouraged me!  It showed me that God had heard my cries and had given someone with flesh and blood a way to encourage me in my state of confusion and frustration! It silenced the voices that even then I knew were the enemy taunting me.

Prophecy is such a vital tool in the life of anyone who is engaged in a life sold out for Christ! It is the encouragement to keep running the race because when people who know nothing about your circumstances speak exactly what is happening and then tell you the outcome, you have the strength, the courage and the authority to keep moving until you see that outcome to fruition!  Read Joshua 1:6-9 and see how God encouraged Joshua for the road he was about to walk.  That is how prophecy works in today's world.

I was reminded yesterday of what God told me when we were struggling with leaving our former church.  Let me stop here and say I am in no way putting down or former church, in fact, without the teaching and training we received at that Body, I would not be in the place to receive what happened yesterday!  I was a huge skeptic of all supernatural things when we fist started attending our former church.  God used the amazing teachers there to bring me to the place where I could receive what my current church has to offer.  Our former church had a man who was part of the church affiliation that Body belonged to.  He would come a few times a year.  It was amazing to see him operate in the prophetic.  He was the first person I ever saw do that, and it was inspiring, encouraging, intriguing....I could go on and on.  He (even though he was only there a few times a year and had no idea who I was!) was one of the reasons I wrestled with God over moving churches.  God had placed it on our hearts to leave, but I kept wanting to return to what was comfortable.  During one of my wrestling matches with God over leaving the church, I reminded him of this man who brought great encouragement to me (even though I never received a direct prophecy from him...ever!).  God's answer was very straightforward: "Do you want a man who prophesies or a congregation who prophesies?"  I thought of that yesterday and I had to laugh!  Since attending Lifehouse, I have had numerous Words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me.  And they always came at the moment when I wasn't sure which direction to turn or when I wasn't sure I could last one more day in my current circumstances.  Then the Word would come and put the circumstances in the perspective they belonged, and the joy returns!

If you are not familiar with prophecy, do some research!  Dig into the Word!  Ask God to reveal His Truth about it...and then find a church that allows the gifts to be used! If you have questions, I may not have the answer, but I will put you in touch with some amazing people who do or I can give you a list or resources that have been helpful to me as I wrestled through my traditional thinking that caused me to doubt what was fairly clear in scripture.  And if you are in the Midland area, come check out Lifehouse Fellowship!  It's not a perfect church, but it is a church where the Spirit moves and is allowed to dictate the order of the service!  I will have to tell you more about the service yesterday another time!  It was amazing! Or come check it out for yourself this Wednesday at 7 - come at 6:30 if you want pizza before service!

He wants to take your burdens

Last night nearing the end of our praise and worship time, there was a still - no organized singing by the praise team, just spontaneous words and songs of praise from the congregation - a time of ministering by the Spirit.  As I stood there, I "saw" - not with physical eyes, but in my minds' eye, my spirit - a white sphere floating, and when it moved, it left a tail of light as it moved.  It was what I would call an aura.  God said it was his ministering spirit (Hebrews 1:14).  I saw it move from person to person in the congregation.  Just as our pastor said, "The anointing comes to life the burden," God spoke to me saying, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light!"  If you are like me, that scripture has been a struggle. My times of walking in faith have been some of my most trying...but God said this is season is a training ground, and I know this is one of the things He is teaching me! Even when things are tough, the yoke is easy and the burden is light.  We had just finished singing one of my favorite songs.  Some of the lyrics say, "I call your Name, Lord you reply, you bring your kingdom and stand by my side."  I saw the white glow stopping at each person.  From those who allowed him, he took burdens off of them as he passed from one to another.  As I saw him moving toward me, I opened my hands and an overwhelming sense of God's presence washed over me, and peace beyond understanding washed over.  I felt like a lead brick had been taken off my body.  It was amazing.  And what God was showing me is that He wants me to always feel that light...even in the midst of trials.  But I have to learn to allow Him to carry the burden and not pick it up myself.

God didn't lead me to share this in the service last night, but as I woke this morning, I knew I needed to share it.  This kind of thing is new for me...part of my deeper walk with God.  So I can't say I was a little apprehensive putting it out there, but I know from past experience if God lays it on my heart to share publicly, then someone out there, a fellow warrior for His kingdom needed to hear it! So if you have a heavy burden today, put some praise and worship music on, get still before God and let Him lift your burden!

Was it God?

I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck.  It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments.  There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith.  We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped.  Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times.  Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.

My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it!  I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was.  I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned.  I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that.  My experience was not lining up with truth.

When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"!  Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong.  And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell!  It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe.  Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.  

When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:

1. I didn't hear God right in the first place
2. God is not trust worthy
3. God doesn't really exist

Can I be honest?  I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life.  After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion.  I was ready to walk away from God.  I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"!  But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating.  I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter.  But I wouldn't talk to them.  I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need!  In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence.  I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God.  I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman!  As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.

The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment.  I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him.  To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.

I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013.  If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it!  And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil."  That is profound people!  Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God.  Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God.  Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind.  Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints.  God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!

One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan.  The statement pretty well said just accept it.  It was God's will.  I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!"  God is a God of restoration, healing, life!  Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy!  Does God allow those things, yes!  Will I ever understand why He allows them?  Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours!  But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted.  We create a god who is not love.  We create a god who is not faithful.  And that is not the God I serve!

It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief!  Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good!  God is trustworthy!  God is faithful!  I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"!  It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.  

To be continued.....

It's Not for Comfort

My first week down with the new job..and there were many moments I wondered what in the world I got myself into!  There were many unexpected challenges as some things were not in order that were thought to be in order when I took the position.  We were very short staffed which meant I was in a baby room most of the week while also trying to figure out how the office ran.  It was challenging to say the least.  But I survived!  And really, I am enjoying working with other adults instead of alone as I do with the agency.  And I know I will enjoy the tangible difference I see in the center as things turn around, and we take it to the next level.  God has brought some pretty awesome people to our center this week.  I hired a head start teacher who will start in a couple of weeks.  That is what I had prayed for...trained, experienced teachers.  I also have staff that have stuck with us through the transition which after last week, I realize is a miracle as it has been stressful on them as well.

As I went to bed exhausted and sick one night this weekend, I just cried out to God, "WHY?!"  As mush as I really do love being at the center and having the opportunity to love on and pray with and over so many children, I really was not looking for any more responsibility or things to do.  Yes, the extra income is nice, although once again I find myself in a position where I could work at most fast food places and make more per hour than I am currently.  I have had several people ask me "why?!" who knew all that was already on my plate.  After you are asked that enough, you really start to wonder...did I miss it? Am I really that dumb to have taken this on?

So I went back to the One who I believe asked me to take it on.  I cried out and again He answered.  First, He reminded me that what I am doing in the daycare has eternal value in the lives that it touches both children and parents.  Then He also reminded me of my passion for the Body of Christ that we now call home.  It is a small church that struggles financially from time to time.  But the potential in this Body because of the heart of our people, and our pastor, for people to intimately know God in a life changing way and our desire to see God's glory go public, makes me dream of the lives it could impact for the Kingdom.  But we need resources.  The learning center is one way to raise revenue that can impact the church and equip it to do what God has for our part of His Body.  And that renewed my commitment to what I am doing. Then we watched the first episode of The Bible.  As I watched the part about Moses, how he stepped out and told the people God sent him to free them - many laughed and scoffed.  Only a few believed him. I was encouraged about the reactions many have had to the news that I was taking on this responsibility.  So many stories in the Bible are about people stepping out and doing the unpopular or out of the ordinary thing - having a baby while still a virgin and unmarried, marrying a pregnant woman who could shame your family, building a great big boat when it had never rained, raising a sword to kill your son - the one who would fulfill a promise of descendants that out number the stars in the sky- and the list goes on and on. God reminded me that many times life with his is not comfortable!  But oh how that goes against what most of America is about!  Work until you have enough to retire comfortably then travel the world.  Get your children raised so you can enjoy life to yourself.  It seems that most of what our society is about is comfort.  But nothing about what God is about is comfort.  He calls us to a life of surrender!  Don't get me wrong, I don't think He calls us to a life of martyrdom either where we are constantly throwing ourselves on a sword for "his cause"! But I think there are seasons of growth.  When He answered me on whether or not I should take this position, He told me it was for training.  Training is hard. Training stretches you.  Training is not comfortable.  I guess maybe that has struck me so hard because I thought after all this time that I had overcome the need for comfort.  I thought I had conquered the American dream of just coasting through life.  Yet when I was stretched, the thing that I regretted was that I couldn't just be comfortable.  Which is why I am in need of more training!

Day one of this week wasn't much better as I worked a 13 hour day between the agency and the daycare.  Luckily it is Spring Break here so John is off with the kids.  But as I walked in the door and saw that the babies were already in bed, I burst into tears!  I miss my kids!  I know they and John are my first ministry.  So I will be finding balance in the days and weeks to come.  I have learned I am an all or nothing person through becoming a working mom.  That makes balance a really difficult thing!  When I am home, I just want to be home and don't want to think about work.  When I am at work, I just want to work and find it hard to leave things undone to to home.  Thinking this is probably another part of my training ground....listening to the still small voice Who has a plan for my day and trusting that He orders my steps!

So on to day two of week two!

Because I didn't have enough to do...

Because I didn't have enough to do, today is the first day of a new adventure.  Today is my first official day as Director of LifeHouse Kids, the daycare at our church.  No, I am not quitting Addy's Hope.  Just adding a couple of work weeks to my day and a few hours to the days I already work.  Once again, God shows how He works a thread through my life preparing circumstances and situations so that things I don't even know are on the horizon can work according to His plan!  I love that about Him!  Makes me trust Him all the more when He tells me to take a leap of faith!

We have a small church.  But we have this really great facility that is a daycare.  We live in a town that is in an oil boom and is in a population explosion....like no where to live, people living in tents type of explosion!  Most daycares have a year waiting list of they are the sought out places.  We are licensed to care for 146 children and have around 55 enrolled.  I just share that to show that there are some things that I think can be done to bring up our standard and bring in some more kids...we should not have openings with the need that is out there.

Each time I would visit with John or one of the leaders about the daycare, I would get this weird excitement about the potential for it...not just as a daycare, but as a ministry!  Where else do you have 55 little souls coming to your door who may or may not have any exposure to Jesus except when they are with you?  Where else do you have two parents at least, many times more with divorces, etc, that you get to interact with to shine light in darkness?  Then there are the precious ladies who work to take care of the children.  What an opportunity to pour into lives of women to encourage them in their calling in life and to teach them about their identity in Christ if they don't already know Him!

If you had ever told me I would run a daycare, I would have told you that you were nuts!  Once again, God has placed a desire in my heart that He had to put there because it was never on my radar, for sure! But I am super excited about this opportunity. I don't know how long it will last.  It may be months, it may be years.  But I know it is God, and that's all I needed to know to jump on board!

In wrestling through whether to take the job, and I do mean wrestle, my main issue was all that I already have on my plate!  I would totally talk myself out of it, but didn't really have peace.  But yet taking the job didn't make sense.  At least not when I looked at circumstances.  I mean where were the hours going to come to do the job?  Where was the energy going to come to complete the tasks?  I feared that I would go back to the fog of the last season of life where I rarely felt joy, was constantly tired and just had a goal to make it to night so I could sleep and get up to try it all again.  I don't ever want to return to that place!  I truly feared putting myself in a position of demands that would lead to that type of life again. Well, we all know fear is not of God!  So I would go back to my quiet place, get in the Word and ask God for a clear answer! Truly the only real "pro" on a pro/con list was the income it would bring in. The agency is still a ministry.  The salary I draw is less than what I would make if I quit and went to work for just about any fast food restaurant   For those who are not local, we are in a bubble around here when compared to the rest of the nation's economy...just about everywhere is hiring and paying up to $14 as places like McDonald's just to get warm bodies who can do the job at a minimum.  Our growing family continues to have financial demands that were not being met.  We have been praying for relief from some specific financial issues.  I kept asking John if I was like the man stuck on the roof in the flood who kept telling the boats that passed that he didn't need a ride because God was going to save him.  I didn't want to drown waiting on a miracle while the practical answers went right past me!  Yet, I know God can work miracles too.

I had resolved that there was no way I should take the job...then I overheard a lady touring the learning center where Madison and Journey go three days a week.  She was telling the director that her kids go to LifeHouse and let's just say she didn't have nice things to say!  As I listened, I was grieved.  Not just because I knew the potential for the learning center is huge, but because the name of my church is attached to that!  We have an amazing pastor and congregation.  We are small, but growing. Very few people even know we existed.  It is like no place I have ever been a part...and I don't want the first thing people hear about my church to be what this lady was saying....because even though it was about the daycare, the image people have of the daycare is the image they will have of our church.  You can't separate the two in public opinion!

So back to my quiet space...more wrestling.  When wresting through things like this, I have come to the place that I will not act until I have a clear Word from God.  Either a yes, a no, a wait, or a "I don't mind which way you go, just pick one and then jump in with all your heart doing it with excellence!"  If God had given me the latter as a choice in this one, I would probably not have taken the job just because of the demands, but He didn't!  Instead He used a quote in a book I am reading to convict and confirm what He had already spoken in my quiet time with Him that morning.

I am reading Outrageous Courage by Kris Vallatton.  It is an amazing and inspiring book.  It is about a girl who had radical obedience and steps out in faith to do crazy things in the mission field!  There is a chapter with the title "Learning to Run" and was where I was reading during my wrestling match with God one day over the job.  Here is part of what this chapter said:
"Even as God heals us, however, it is vital to understand that He is not turning orphans simply into functional citizens, but into royal sons who look like Jesus.  To use Paul's metaphor, in order to run the race of the Christian life, we must not simply be healed of our broken legs-we also must train them to run with speed and endurance.  And everyone knows that in order to build speed and endurance, you must consistently push past convenience and comfort.  Similarly, as we learn to run as sons and daughters, God will lead us to face challenges that are difficult not so much because of wounds in our past, but because they press us to our limits of faith, emotional and physical strength, social skills, knowledge and love.  One of the primary goals of this training is to help us align our desires and expectations with God's desires and expectations for us and let Him define our successes, failures and assignments.  It is only by embracing the Father's goals and expectations that we run the race to win, for He designed the racecourse in the fist place."

That hit me right between the eyes!  The whole reason I didn't want to take the job was because I had found a place of comfort again!  I had found that place where life just rocked along.  Which means I had found a place where I could probably do life without daily reliance on God.  And isn't this what we in America see as a goal...a place of comfort and "rockin' along"?  He was asking me to take on something that will demand once again that I rely on Him to set my schedule and give me the strength and endurance to make it through my days.  But what He kept showing me was, He wants me to enter this period so that I can take what I learned in the last season like this and apply it!  That way I can walk through this season with a little more grace and joy!

So today I embark on yet another journey with the One who I owe my life!  A journey that He knew was around the bend when He opened the door for us to put Addy's Hope offices in the church building.  So I can literally be at both jobs at once and continue my work with Addy's Hope while overseeing the operations at the daycare.  I don't know what it still amazes m when God works out these little details like that!  And hopefully on the other side, I will see that I did in fact complete this race with a little more grace and joy than the last season of stretching I went through!

No Greater Joy as Mom

We have a very exciting day today!  I woke up with great anticipation.  As a mother, I know that today is the most important day in the life of one of my children, and pretty significant in the lives of two others - as what we do today in those two will lead to what is happening in the other!

Today, my sweet Ava Claire will be baptized as a symbol that she has given her life to God!  Her story is not like the other children, where we have a specific date she gave her life to the Lord.  And once again, God reminds me it's not about me and my neat little story for the scrapbook, but He is writing my children's future.  Which is such a great thing for many reasons, one of which, who knows when that scrapbook page will ever be made anyway!

I had started praying for Toben and Ava both to recognize their need for a savior.  We have had very direct conversations and Bible study times to introduce Jesus as their savior, but neither one of them really grasped and could articulate the need or desire for Jesus to take their sins and rule their lives.  Their salvation is one of the things I am believing God for in 2013.

About five or six weeks ago, I sat down with Ava to do her Bible study.  We still struggle with finding a time to do Bible study with all the kids.  It is very sporadic and inconsistent, but we are still working toward that goal!  Maybe by the time Journey leaves home, we will have figured out a system.  Just another part of the story that reminds me God is pursuing our children even when we aren't perfect parents! Praise God!  Ava and I read Romans together where the scriptures point to a need for a savior to save us from our sins.  I start to ask some questions to see if Ava has any clearer understanding, and she says, "Mom, don't worry!  I already asked God to come into my heart."  "When?!" I ask.  "In Sunday school, we were singing songs, and I just felt close to God and asked Him if He would come into my heart and He did!"  So I ask, "Did you tell anyone?  When did this happen?" To which she very nonchalantly replies, "I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.  And no, I didn't tell anyone, just talked to God about it!"  So I do what any normal mother does, I grabbed her up and cried and told her how proud and excited I was for her!  I asked her if she knew what the next step was, and she said, "Sure, I need to be baptized!"

Seriously, this girl has a crazy exciting desire for God's word!  I know that over the past few months, God has been wooing her to Himself as I often find her in her room or in a quite spot in the house reading her Bible.  She may not understand every Word, but the enemy does, and he flees when God's Word is read.  And her spirit understands, and most importantly, the angels of heaven understand and are immediately sent to fulfill God's Word for Ava as she reads it out loud believing God means what He says and says what He means....truly a childlike faith!

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children walk in the truth." 3 John 1:4  Truly walking that scripture out this morning as I am full of joy unspeakable as I prepare for church this morning knowing that one of these precious lives entrusted to me will demonstrate her desire to serve God all of her life.  I used to think, that meant I had pretty well completed my spiritual job as a parent!  However, now I know the truth is that, now I have the fertile soil to begin planting the seeds that will take root and grow into the foundation and beyond that she will need to live the life God has called her to live!  Now we begin pouring into her to make sure she is equipped!

But I love her story because it is such a great reminder that we don't have to be perfect parents!  I am not discounting the need for direct Bible study with our children, but it is reassuring to know that God pursues our children even when we are not perfect parents.  He led Ava to Himself which is what the Bible says He does.  We introduced her to Him through Bible studies, taking her to church and living a life that follows Christ ourselves - talking out some of the decisions we make with our kids pointing to God's direction as the reason.  But ultimately, there were no fancy words or amazing prayer on my part...just a simple time with God in worship that brought Ava to the reality of her sin and the amazing answer in Jesus!  I also love her story because it should encourage each of you who serve thankless hours in children's ministry!  You never know what Sunday "Ava" will accept Jesus as their savior and not even tell anyone....you will know when you receive your reward in heaven!  So THANK YOU, Ms. Lyndsey, Mr. Logan, Ms. Tonya, Ms. Jessica, Ms. Gigi, Ms. Linda, Ms. Megan and the others who serve in our children's ministry! Thank you for providing an environment that ushers in the Holy Spirit and allows Him to convict, speak to, and redeem children!

Along with that celebration today, we also are honored to stand before our church family and commit to raise Madison and Journey in a Godly home, pointing them continually to Him and equipping them for the life God has for them.  We have taken so long because we dedicated Paizley the baby dedication right after Journey was born, and she didn't want to share it with Journey.  The next baby dedication they had at our church at that time was the weekend Peighton was born.  So we could not attend church that Sunday.  So this is the first time since Journey was born and Madison was adopted that we could have the honor of dedicating them to God and promising to raise them in His ways.

To all who have spoken into my children over the years, thank you!  We are so honored with family and so many friends and spiritual family who love the Lord and our children!  The impact you have on our children does not escape us.  And we truly are thankful for you!

Off to get ready....I have an amazing day ahead of me!

When life seems to be tossed in the air..

I am going on my second night of 4 hours of sleep.  No sick kids! Thank you for health, God! Not really worried, just restless.  God has placed a few things in John and my heart.  In one of them, we kind of feel like Abraham...He has said GO! but we have no clue which direction to even GO! in, yet we know He wants us to take a step of faith before He reveals the entire plan.  But we don't feel like we even know how or where to step so we stand with our foot poised in the air ready to move but just not quite sure where to plant our foot! (and for those wondering, NO! this has nothing to do with my Number 8 post! Hee!Hee!)

I sat last night with our budget, my calendar and some work papers laid out on the dining room table and just stared at them!  A representation of three areas that need some major miracles from how I see it to work!  I tell John all the time that there is a reason moms of large families do not work!  It is a full time job, yet God has called me to this amazing ministry of Addy's Hope - and it is that, a ministry.  In the 7 years since we opened the doors of Addy's Hope, it has not been in a place to provide a financial salary that matches the work I do.   I would be fine with that, except the older the kids get, the more expensive they are and our finances are stretched to the max.  It's hard not to look around and think, "If I put in the same hours there that I do at Addy's Hope, I would make ______!" I know my rewards for Addy's Hope are eternal, and I really can't put a value on that, but my local grocery store won't take that to pay for the groceries my kiddos eat!

There are a couple of opportunities that are before us.  I have sought God.  I have asked for scripture to back my answer....about the time I settle in on which direction I think I need to go, something happens or someone says something that makes me think I missed it.  I am about to the point that I think God is saying, "you choose!  Here is what path A will mean and here is what path B will mean, and I am really ok with either path.  Just pick the one you want."  Maybe that is the problem, I want the end result of both paths, but that is impossible!

Ugh! You ever been there?  Despite how I feel this morning, I know some Truths! First, I have the mind of Christ!  Therefore, the paths are not a mystery.  It just means I have to get still before God, get in His Word and listen.  I know He is not a God of confusion.  He will bring peace when I have set my foot on the path of His will.  Circumstances mean nothing.  God is not a God of circumstance, He is a God of miracles!  He parts the waters if a sea is in the way.  He shuts the mouths of lions if obedience finds you in a lions' den. He even keeps not just the flames but the smell of smoke away from you if honoring Him lands you in a fiery furnace.  And in reality, my situations that I am perplexed in are simply a matter of which blessing do I want to enter into!  There is nothing bad happening. In fact, I have found joy unspeakable over the past few months!  I have a renewed skip in my step. I have found the secret of hiding under the shelter of the wings of God almighty!  And for that I am thankful!

So our life may be up in the air right now, but I know things will land soon.  I know God will be faithful to complete that which He started and I know that as long as we continue to seek God with an open, willing heart, the end will exceed anything we could possibly hope or imagine no matter which path we end up planting our foot and heading down!  Life with God is amazingly awesome!  If you don't know Him, you are missing out!  And if you know of Him but haven't encountered Him, take some time to be still with Him!  He wants to reveal more of Himself to you!  Go on a date with God! He is the greatest Love I have ever know!

Have a great Thursday!  Be blessed!

Number 8

I really should be working, but this blog post has been trying to come out for a week now.  Just haven't sat down to get it out...then friends post things like this:

As I came to the blog to type this, I saw my last post titled "Saying Yes"...well, there is a theme God seems to have me on...one I really thought I had gotten down...thought we had circled this mountain enough times I had learned my lesson...seven started adoptions, an adoption agency from the ground up, an orphanage in Liberia, an adoption ministry in Liberia, now a domestic program for waiting children, mom to seven, new church...haven't  I learned to say yes? Haven't I learned to let God be God..Lord of my life? As long as there is any area unsurrendered to Him, then the answer is: No!

Ugh! Really, God?! Haven't I said yes to enough? I mean look at Sally Sue over there, she __________ (fill in the blank with whatever you think is "enough")! Ask her to do something why don't you?  So for those of you who thought I had all this maturity, now you see the real me! :)

This has been just a few of my thoughts over the past few days as God has taken me back to a Sunday morning when Journey was just two weeks old.  I was teaching an adoption class at our church and through a speaker on a video we were watching, God told me there was another one.  Yes, another child.  I went home and wrote it in my journal.  I didn't tell anyone...not even John for weeks!  This would for sure get me committed to the loony bin! He gave me what I believe are some outlines of who number 8 is.  But as soon as He dropped the thought into my mind that we weren't done, I went to bargaining with Him!  I love babies!  So if we have to adopt again (yes, I meant "have to"...remember my attitude is the whole point of this post!), then I want a baby.  I want to bond or attach or whatever the professionals want to call it with this baby from the beginning!  I want to watch her grow up and protect her from whatever I couldn't have protected her from before she got to me even at a young age that caused her to need me to begin with!  And since I am not getting any older, God, would you please send her now?! Except I don't really think I can handle a baby now, so maybe wait a year or so, but if you wait a year or so, then I am starting over again, and I am really ready to be done with bottles and diapers.  So if we have to wait then maybe she should be older and maybe in about 10 years when I have recovered from the past two years?! Maybe send her now but make her the same age as Journey.  Oh, yes, that would give me THREE toddlers, maybe I didn't mean that! Ok, well you can send me a baby or maybe a toddler...or maybe not, but if you are serious about this, something has to give! I need a housekeeper at least.  My floors will never be swept again with just one more child.  Or how will I feed her or clothe her or have the brain power to listen to her lovely stories about nothing like little girls love to tell?  Better yet, God why don't I just tell you, I. Am. Done!

Silence

God?

Then finally...

You call me God.  You cry out to me as Lord, but you tell me what you will do or not do when I tell you there is more? You give conditions to what you will accept as my call on your life despite the fact you know adoption is the reason I created you for this time here on earth? You can not call me LORD if there is even one area of your life that is not surrendered whole hearted to me...all of it!

Matthew 7:21 says it this way: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."  I am not saying that my salvation is hinged on if I agree to adopt child number 8 or not, but it definitely says that simply calling Him Lord, doesn't make him Lord of my life!  Surrender makes Him Lord of your life!

I have said many times recently as I come out of the fog of the past two years that I know God added the last three children quickly because if I had time to really contemplate how hard things were between any of them, I might not have said yes to all of them.  I don't mean the children are hard, I mean life has been hard....learning how to juggle that many children, those mounds of laundry, finances for a family of 8, and on and on.  I feel as if I am just now getting my head above the water I was drowning in to breath! And now God, you would ask me to add another one?

I am reminded of Jesus in the garden when He prayed and asked that this cup pass from Him.  If Jesus who was fully man but also fully God asked for His entire reason for leaving heaven to come to earth to be taken away, I think God understands when I wrestle a bit through the things He may be asking me to do....but in the end of the wrestling, I have to be willing to say as Jesus did, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will!" (Matthew 26:39). I finally got to that place in worship this week!  Lord, I have no idea how I would do that! I have no idea where another baby would fit into our lives, but I refuse to live my life with any area unsurrendered to you!  Radical obedience is my desire for 2013...even if that includes number 8!

There may really never be a number 8, I am sure not actively pursuing that right now (Mom, if you are reading this, you can breath again!).  Perhaps God is asking me to put my Isaac on the alter and will provide a ram instead of me sacrificing my "son" as He did for Abraham. (Genesis 22).  I don't know for sure.  But I do know anytime I have any area that I say to God...if this is the direction you are taking me, the answer is no, then I have an area that is unsurrendered! And as long as I have breath, I am determined to live completely and totally surrendered to the One to Whom I owe my life!

Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!

Is it worth the wedge?

So I am away from the family for the weekend!  Not just a fun trip, although anytime my husband graciously takes over the healm and allows me to get away, it's fun...and relaxing...and a blessing!  However, this is a trip with a mission!  I am picking up writing the book I started earlier this year on the spiritual battle of adoption.  I am in an amazing home thanks to our friends Susan and Arnold Nall who have an empty house this weekend!  At this moment I am sitting on a fabulour orange "couch" - pretty sure that is NOT what you call it - while I type away.  I feel so pampered!

I had a five hour drive to get here.  That means five quiet, nobody screaming "mommy!", no fighting, no needs hours!  I had my phone loaded with praise music and podcasts! It was a little piece of heaven on earth!

As I drove and worshiped and prayed, God brought up a sin that I have struggled with for years.  I am a sinner, I know that full well!  I don't want this to come off like this is my "only" sin.  I know that I sin every day, but as a mature believer, I should not have deliberate sin.  Meaning, I shouldn't start to do something, hear the voice of God tell me not to do it, or just know already it is wrong, and do it anyway.  That is what I call deliberate, or willful sin.  This sin that God brought to mind was a willful sin.  But God didn't bring it up to condemn (there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1).  He brought it up to make me aware that the struggle over that sin is gone.  It is a sin that was a stronghold.  I had received deliverance before from the stronghold that resulted in this sin.  But I slipped back into the sin....lots of reasons why that I am not going to go into here.  But what God revealed to me today is that the sin is no longer a struggle becuase I know that when I took part in that action, it caused a separation between me and God (2 Corinthians 11:3, But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ).  Not a separation where I lost my salvation!  I don't earn my salvation, I can't lose it by sinning.  Goodness, then we all would lose our salvation every day!  That's not the separation I mean.  It's a loss of intimacy with God.  When John and I have a fight over something, there is a wedge between us.  We are still married, but the conflict between us makes it difficult to express our feelings to each other.  All analogies break down on some level, and I know God's love for us is constant and never changing, but when I am taking part in willful sin, I cannot have a sincere and pure devotion to Christ thus preventing the level of intimacy I can enjoy when I am walking in the light and not participting in deliberate sin!  God showed me that the reason my struggle over this sin is gone is becuase the level of intimacy I have with God in this season of my life is not worth risking for the temporary gratification of the sin!

Now, you may be going, "duh?!"  But here was the kicker for me.  I realized in that moment that obvilously my relationship with God, from my perspective, before was worth sacrificing for the immediate gratification of the sin.

It left me with this very interesting question: If we are not affected by the wedge sin puts between us and God, then is our relationship with God as intimate as we might think it is?

Just some food for thought.....