Knowing God's Will

I have often said when contemplating a decision that needs to be made or looking for which direction to go in life that I wish I could receive an e-mail from God with the directions spelled out.  I don't say that anymore.  Not because at times I still wish it was that simple and clear cut.  I still with at times I could write Him my questions, like a tech support, and He sends back the answers.  Yes, that would be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! But I have also come to learn that the reason God doesn't do that is because it requires no relationship!  When I have a question about a program that isn't working or a website I can't find the answer on, I look for the "contact us" button and send a request for information.  I then get an instant message or an e-mail with the information I need - I never have to engage with the person on the other end of the computer!  I don't even know their name most of the time.  If I have learned anything over the past 15 years of trying to walk in relationship and not just legalism with my Lord it is that He values my relationship with Him above all else!

So when I ask Him for direction, He is not going to send an e-mail from His tech support! He is going to draw me into Him.  He is going to ask me to spend a  little more time with Him than I do for daily maintenance.  He is going to ask me to sit a little quieter and listen a little closer to His still small voice.  Romans 12:2 states it this way, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."  That's pretty plain!  God is telling us, if you want to know the answer, spend time with me and in my Word!  I am not making this a mystery!  But I am not going to send an e-mail or write it in the sky with an airplane, either!  He wants us in His word transforming our minds.  That is the only way we can test and approve His will!  But if we do that, we can know His will.  No secrets.

I was reminded of this again recently as we heard God ask us to walk in a new direction in an area of our life.  I can't share details right now, but will soon.  Basically we were like Abraham....God said pack up your stuff and walk.  That was it.  No direction for where the end of the journey was.  Just walk.  Now the logical, mathematical me doesn't really even know how its possible to take off in any direction when you don't know the destination.  But Isaiah 55:8 quickly reminds me that my ways are not His!  Can I get an Amen to that?!  If I said in the midst of being asked to walk with no direction to walk I was not completely frustrated, I would be lying.  If I said I wanted to turn back and go to where we just came from just to be in a familiar place, I would not be truthful.  And if I said it didn't make me question if I had heard God at all in this area, I would be leading you astray.  John and I both prayed relentlessly in this area and both felt God telling us the same thing - W.A.L.K.  But it wasn't until we finally decided in our minds and committed to walking, with out turning back, that God gave clear direction.  It is just like Joshua 3 when the Israelites are crossing the Jordan into the promised land.  God required the priests to step into the water before He stopped the water from flowing.  The last time He stopped water from flowing for the Israelites, Moses only had to stretch out his hand.  This time God required a step of faith, a step of obedience before He made the path clear.  As soon as John and I determined to walk in obedience, not turn back to what was familiar or give up for lack of direction, but trust and obey, God provided the rest of the answer for where we were to walk!  It was just like a door opened as soon as we agreed to obey!  I had to smile when I realized what had happened.

So many times when we are asked by God to wait for an answer for whatever reason, we start to doubt our ability to hear Him or get clear direction from Him.  The enemy loves to put those doubts in our minds.  However, the scripture is very clear.  1 Corinthians 2:16 tells us in plain language - we have the mind of Christ!  We don't need an e-mail from God!  We have His mind already!  We only need to sit still long enough and spend enough time in His word to know without a doubt what His good and perfect will is!

I love that about God.  He truly is not into guessing games!  If I don't have a clear answer or direction, it means I need to sit longer with Him.  It may mean I have some sin in my life I need to deal with in order to hear God's voice or it may mean I have to open to what the answer is...even if its no.  Or it may just mean He wants to spend a little more time with us, preparing us for the answer.  But it never means He doesn't want to give us the answer.  The answer is on its way!

A little devotional

One of our former adoptive parents and dear friend of mine called me a couple of months ago and asked if I would be interested in writing a devotional for a book that was being written compiling devotions for adoptive parents.  I said I would do my best and submitted one of the many lessons God has taught me over the past 11 years in the adoption world!  I know it will come as a shock to all of you, but I had a hard time keeping it at the word minimum and gave them the liberty to trim it down however necessary to make it fit! I received an e-mail yesterday and they needed more devotions....and older child adoption was one of the areas they needed a devotion for.  So I wrote one this morning and submitted it.  Figured I would share with you guys!  I will let you know when the book is published!  I am so glad something like this is being put together.  There needs to be more spiritual support for adoptive families!  This is a great start!

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~Matthew 6:34 (MSG)

We are 19 months into the placement of our 17 year old daughter, and 13 months into her adoption as our legal daughter.  Our first grand baby will be delivered by her this month.  This will put our youngest at 13 months older than our grand baby.  The last 19 months have held two run aways, one attempted run away, countless words of rejection and manipulation, having our windows screwed shut and our hearts broken over and over.  Our faith has been stretched, and our capacity to love unconditionally has been taxed.  I had a fellow adoptive mother ask me a couple of weeks ago, “so would you do it again?”  I hesitated a second and answered with a resounding, “Yes!”  God told us this was the path and we walked it in obedience.  I would never want to walk in disobedience by saying “no” to a request from the One who went to the cross for me!  Then I quickly added a disclaimer.  If God had presented me with a script of the next year and asked me to take this child into my home before I had ever met her, I could not have said yes!  My heart would have failed right there!  But that is not what He does!  Matthew 6:34 is clear about that.  He will give us just enough strength, love, grace and mercy to handle today.   We are not to worry about what “may or may not happen tomorrow.”  So yes, I would do it again!  I have learned to trust fully in God.  He is my sustainer and my literal breath of life to make it through each day…and just that day!  In the next few weeks I will become MiMi at 38 years young with 6 children still left to raise of my own.  If I dwell on the days ahead I will be overcome with fear, doubts, insecurities and possibly even regrets.  But when I focus on today, trusting Him for each step, each breath, I make it!  And not only do I make it, but I learn more and more about the faithfulness and amazing love of the One who called me to this great adventure!

11 years ago today...In the Beginning Part 2

For those who were not happy about my "to be continued" to In the Beginning, I am sorry!  I didn't intend to make you wait this long, but time just isn't my friend in this season, so this morning was my first time to really have time to sit down and finish the story!  And what a perfect day to finish it as it happened 11 years ago today!

Eleven years ago today I would hear words that would change my life forever!  It is one of the few snap shot memories I have in my life, but I can picture the room and see everything in it like it was yesterday.  We had just finished leading the youth and had our car loaded up ready to head back home to Odessa to spend the week with my parents before we jumped on a plane for a week long vacation on the beach between Galveston and Houston.  This was a vacation we had planned back in November.  This is a crucial detail of God's timing and sovereignty that even 11 years later makes me smile!  Debbie, my friend I described in part 1, always kept Callie while we did youth events.  It was her service to us.  It was a huge blessing and became a huge lesson in my life of how to allow others to serve you as you serve in your role or capacity.  I had protested at first when she offered because it was too big of an inconvenience.  She finally sat me down one day and explained that I was keeping her from a blessing by not allowing her to do what God asked of her to help us in our ministry.  She didn't say it, but God did...pride was keeping me from accepting her help.  That lesson has been invaluable to me in the years since.  Especially now when life is so chaotic that at times I would not make it without the assistance of my amazing friends who step in to watch a child while I go to a meeting or while John and I escape for a weekend!  Back to the story.....

We were done with youth and were picking up Callie from Debbie's in order to jump in the car and leave for our three week vacation.  When I walked in, Debbie was sitting in her rocking chair rocking Callie.  She smiled at me and asked, "how is the adoption going?" My response was less than energetic!  I explained my frustration with such a strong feeling that we needed to do something but at the same time having no direction.  She smiled and spoke words that would change my life forever! She said, "I know of a little black boy who is due July 21 and needs a family!"  I just laughed.  It was the only response I had.  Then John walked into the room. I asked Debbie to tell John what she just told me to which she declined!  Debbie was a teacher, and John was her principal. Debbie knew John wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of adopting right now.  She wasn't going to be the one to deliver the news!  It still makes me laugh thinking about her response!  But we did fill John in on the secret and he just kind of shook his head.

We got in the car and headed out for the little over two hour drive to my parents.  On the way there, we talked about the possibility.  We really didn't have much information.  We decided we wanted to find out more and agreed that it would be good to talk to Debbie's sister who was the person who told Debbie about the baby.  Debbie's sister worked at a mission.  Noah's mom was going to the mission for services.  When we look back over the story, we both marvel at the fact that calling Debbie's sister is the only conscious decision we made.  Everything else just "happened" as we walked in obedience taking one step after another until we were walking out of a hospital with a beautiful baby boy!

We discovered from Debbie's sister that the baby had been exposed to drugs throughout the entire pregnancy.  She also shared that the birth father was unknown for sure.  There were several possibilities, but the mother was pretty sure the father was African American.  However as we learned more about the story, we knew there as no way she knew who the father was.  That was even more evident when Noah was born!  We also learned that the birth mother was bi-racial.  Her mother was Caucasian and her father was African American.  If the father was also African American, we knew we would be introducing our families to their first member with dark skin!  We didn't figure they would be thrilled about this idea.

I don't remember having lots of doubts.  We prayed about every step!  We didn't tell my parents because I knew it would be a battle with lots of questions and frustrations on both sides.  I wanted to avoid that if it turned out the situation didn't work out.  We were told there was possibly one other family considering adopting the baby.  It was not a for sure thing.....as we all know no adoption is, but this was our first experience and we were very naive about a lot of it!  We would find an excuse to leave the house and make phone calls to the mission director to gain a little more information.  During these conversations we learned that she was hesitant let a white family adopt her baby. Her mother had raised her, but according to what we had been told, she didn't feel like her mother had accepted her African American side.  She was afraid a white family would do the same for her baby.  I have to say that made me really angry.  Here was a woman who was doing drugs while she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I was good enough to be a mother to her baby because I was white?!  Don't worry, before this story ends, God would get a hold of me for my arrogance!  We spent that week trying to discover what we needed to do in order to pursue the adoption of this baby.  We talked to an attorney who explained the process of a private adoption to us.

As God would have it, we were set to fly into an airport that following Friday that was only an hours drive from the birth mother's town.  The mission director agreed to drive her to us, and we made arrangements to meet for dinner.  With what we had heard throughout the week, I was very nervous to meet her.  In fact, I told John, "I am not going to say much or we will never adopt this baby!" I was really angry about some of the things I had heard.  I didn't want that anger at the birth mom to come across as we talked.  We walked into Olive Garden.  We found the mission director who said the birth mom was in the bathroom.  When she walked out, my heart sank.  She was beautiful, but the effects of her difficult life were all over her face.  She was a small woman with a precious baby belly!  A belly carrying what was possibly my son.  But when I introduced myself to her and shook her hand, it was shaking.  This young woman was scared to death. Immediately all my judgement of her washed away!  Before me stood a woman who was in a place in life I could not even imagine standing.  Yes, some of it was because of her own choices, but those choices were made primarily because of the life she had lived as the child of a drug addict living on the streets.  God would speak to me then and many more times throughout the evening about my view of this situation.  He kept reminding me that I looked at all this very differently through my middle class raised, educated eyes.  If I had lived her life, I would see things in a much different way....they way she was seeing them.  And then the lesson that has repeated itself through all my ministry, but by the grace of God would it be me in her shoes too!  I did nothing to deserve being born into a middle class, Christian family who loved me and provided me with all the opportunities I could possibly want!  We all sat down and began with awkward small talk.  But over the course of the next two hours, we would learn much about her life.  This was her 6th pregnancy and she was only 26.  She had placed two others for adoption, but the other babies were not so lucky.  She had 3 abortions.  We would later learn that she had planned to abort this baby as well, but her mother had just accepted Christ and talked her out of it. My gratitude for that can't be put into words! After a couple of hours, John just came out and said, "We would really like to adopt your baby if you are ok with that."  She agreed that after meeting us, she felt we were the right family for her baby boy.  She also shared that she had dropped and was beginning to have contractions.  This put us in a pretty weird place!  If she delivered the baby that week, we would get off the plane when my parents picked me up with one more child than we had left with!  And they knew nothing about any of this at this point.


I made a decision to call them and let them know all that was happening......


More to come!  I promise before long! 

We are not always serious!

Because my blog is usually about my getting to know God and lessons I learn on this journey, it tends to be pretty serious!  I really do have a fun side!  I realize as I read through my blog that doesn't come out too often!  So I thought I would share our "Welcome to Summer Party" John and I surprised the kids with on the last day of school! 

 Home schooling the two oldest meant they weren't surprised, but it was still fun!  And the biggest bummer was Paizley had to be at work so she didn't get to join in.  It was all ideas I got off Pinterest.  We had water balloon pinatas, water guns and as many water balloons as my fingers could tie!  I think I got the feeling back in my two fingers some time the next week!

Everyone stand back!  Madison has a bat!!!!!

Noah tackling the balloon didn't end up so well for him!  He ended up in the street, but we all got a good laugh, and as you can tell from his smile, he didn't mind either!

Toben didn't have much luck with the punching bag style of breaking the pinata!  I think he finally resorted to the bat like everyone else!

Success!  And the face says it all!

It was a ton of fun, and I am pretty sure this was our first annual party! 

A Successful Fiesta!

We had our first Hope's Promise event last night!  It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!  We hosted a casual dinner for a few couples in Joel and Brooke's backyard.  Brooke is one of the amazing team members working to get Hope's Promise up and running.  We called it "Nacho Average Fiesta"!  As I walked around the yard praying before everyone got there, I asked that God would bring exactly who needed to be there in order to accomplish His will for last night.  I also asked that those who came would be moved by the Spirit with what they heard to not just hear and walk away, but be doers to take action and own the crisis we have in teen pregnancies.  He answered every one of those prayers!

We didn't have a huge crowd...about half of what we expected....expecting less than half of who we invited. But the disappointment over numbers did not last long!  Brooke introduced me with an amazing devotion by Joyce Meyer about God using people to do His work.  The amazing thing is that devotion was true of every member or our team that put together last night!  I don't know that I have ever been a part of a group of people who stay so focused on the common goal and purpose in Christ that nothing stands in their way!  These ladies and Jon ROCK!!!  As I shared the statistics for teen pregnancies:

• 79 percent of teenagers who become pregnant are unmarried. 
• 80 percent of teenage pregnancies are unintended. 
• Nearly four in ten teenage girls whose first intercourse experience happened at 13 or 14 report that the sex was unwanted or involuntary. 

• The main rise in the teen pregnancy rate is among girls younger than 15*
•  
• The United State spends $7 billion each year due to the costs of teen pregnancy. 
• Only one-third of teenage mothers complete high school and receive their diplomas 
• By age 30, only 1.5 percent of women who had pregnancies as a teenager have a college degree. 
• 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare 
• Within the first year of becoming teen mothers, one-half of unmarried teen mothers go on welfare.* 
• The daughters of teen mothers are 22 percent more likely than their peers to become teen mothers. 
• Sons of teenaged mothers have a 13 percent greater chance of ending up in prison as compared to their peers.

The people were listening. I could see it in their eyes.  Then Jon and Sarah Stepan shared their experience with a maternity home and the difference it made in the life of the birth mother of their son.  It was moving!  I finished the evening by sharing our solution to the teen pregnancy crisis.  The national trend is that teen pregnancies are declining, but in Texas the rate of teen pregnancies is rising.  And in our little corner of Texas, there are 6 counties in the top 25 in Texas for teen pregnancy rates.  The issue is to the point that news media is picking it up sharing the fears of medical community and the schools as they fear their systems can't support the number of teen moms coming up.  We believe we have the solution!  And more government involvement is not it!  Not because I am taking a political side of whether or not government should or should not be involved but because I have a Bible that tells me I am to be Christ to the world.  I am to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and when Jesus walked this earth He was ministering and supplying the needs of the harlots, the tax collectors, the outcasts of society.  So I believe I need to do the same in the 21st century. In fact, the pastor we heard this past Wednesday said it this way, "If God is going to accomplish anything on this earth during this time, it will be through you and me."   Amen!  Those at the dinner got it!  There were tears over the heartbreak of my friend who was forced to have an abortion because her family said abort or get out and she had nowhere to go.  Only to discover about three months after the abortion that she had been pregnant with twins and they had only killed baby A.  Baby B was still alive.  So her middle class, Christian, church leader parents took her back to the clinic for a late term abortion to terminate the pregnancy of Baby B.  My friend is an amazing woman of God who has overcome these trials in her life, but her story is what God used to prompt me that N.O.W. is the time to do something!

We were giving $10,000 last night plus some checks that had been donated before the evening.  I am talking off my head and from memory, not the books here, but we are at about $10,800 toward the property.

That is very short of what I had asked God for last night.  I had a number that I had specifically prayed and it was big...impossible most would say, but I believed it was what God asked me to believe Him for.  It didn't come in last night, but I believe it is on its way!  The encouragement from those who were there last night was unbelievable!  They believe in what we are doing and are committed to walking with us and sharing our vision..and while we need the actual cash to buy the property, the belief of others in what you are doing is huge when you are walking in ministry!  It is an encouragement that keeps you going and keeps you believing in the next step to finish what God has asked you to do.  

Before the night began I promised God that despite the outcome, I would trust Him.  Can I tell you the peace in that?!  No I didn't get the number I prayed for....not yet.  But I totally trust that God brought exactly who He needed to the dinner last night to accomplish His purposes for last night.  I trust that those who heard it are going to share with whoever else needs to hear it and the money will come in.  The longer I walk with God the more I learn that I only have to do what He asks and the outcome is up to Him!  We put on the dinner, we planted the seeds.  Now He will water how and when He sees fit to bring about the harvest He desires. It is not mine to worry about or fret over or even be disappointed in.  

Next week we will be getting a Hope's Promise page up on the Addy's Hope website so you can watch the progress.  We are still praying about where and how to open the first home.  Obviously we can't do anything until we have the cash to pay for it.  But we can plan and keep walking in faith step by step as He gives us direction, and that is what we will do!

A HUGE thank you to the team of "doers" who made last night happen because if they were waiting on this visionary we would still be trying to decide on a font for the invitations!  Thank you Robin Nash, Brooke Holland, Jon and Sarah Stepan, Stormy Johnson, Brandie Harris, and Emmy Shepherd.  It is surreal that this blog post  less than three months ago sparked what is now a reality!  Let me just encourage all of you to walk in what God has asked you to do even if it is to "just" cast the vision!  He will send who and what you need to do it!  This project is walking proof of that!

One month from today!

Paizley is due one month from today!  I can't believe how fast time is going.  We finished our last birthing class last night.  I have to admit as much as I dreaded the classes, they are when I get the most excited about  the baby coming.  I am still extremely reserved as things are still not great in that situation, but after a couple of good days, I at least allow myself to think about the "what ifs" of her living with us.

And then the panic sets in!  That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal  As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes!  We want that!  Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life!  That is always the goal we are working toward.  But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also.  As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time.  Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping.  Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!

I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother.  I am not.  I have prayed through this.  I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there!  I know part of it is fear!  Fear of not being a good Mimi.  I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet.  I am not ready.  But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear.  I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl.  It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child.  We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up!  I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation!  But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!

And part of  today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother!  The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning!  Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc.  I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time!  And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it!  And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations!  I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!

Obedience

I had a conversation the other day that left me perplexed and has caused me to think....a LOT!  It was someone who I am in an accountability/mentor group with.  The discussion was basically about when walking in obedience to God requires someone else's yes besides just yours...like a spouses or a business partner, etc.  The statement was made, "I would never _____ because it would stretch my marriage too much.  We wouldn't survive it."  That left me perplexed.  Mainly because John and I have been at that cross road before, but we didn't say, no, we said yes!  So it made me go back and analyze and pray through that to see if we made the right choice.  Not that we can change it now, but it could change how I talk to others in the same situation.

As I shared in a recent post here John only wanted one child.  Having a baby rocked both our worlds, but John's was really rocked and he was quite sure he didn't want his world to be rocked like that again.  At the time Callie was born, our marriage was not real solid.  We were committed which is why we are 14.5 years into this marriage journey, but it was not strong.  As anyone knows who has a baby, that baby just magnifies the cracks in a marriage and at times makes those little cracks look and feel like the Grand Canyon!  That was true of our marriage also.

So why would we say yes to another baby 18 months later?  I have thought about that so many times.  And not just Noah's adoption but almost all of them since.  If we looked only at the condition of our marriage and our family at the time, we would not have said "yes" to any of our adoptions!  We would not have been "ready"!  I don't know that any marriage or family counselor would have given us the thumbs up to proceed either.  And the fact is, some of those "reasons" were right on and did happen! All of our adoptions have pushed John and I personally and also our marriage to new heights of frustration and struggles.  If the adoption process itself didn't threaten to rip us apart, then the difficulties adjusting to another child in the family did.  Many would look at that and call us irresponsible.  In fact, many who we have walked in close relationship with us during these times have!  One of the most common criticisms we get is that we are addicted to adrenaline and create drama to keep that going.  Let me assure you, I hate drama more than any person on this planet!  Ask my kids!  If I think they are starting drama, it gets shut down immediately!

In every one of our adoptions and other life changing decisions that God called us to it comes down to a very simple thing....did God say to?  If He did, what will our response be?

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  ~2 Corinthians 4:18 I think that this is the best response to someone saying they will not ___ because of a relationship or a stress following God would cause.  If we waited for conditions (the seen) to be perfectly aligned to follow God's direction, we would never do it!  And I think many Christians are stuck there, frankly!

Did adopting put a strain on our already not perfect marriage?  Absolutely!  Has our saying yes to God put us in a place that nearly tore our marriage in two?  Absolutely!  Does that mean we missed it?  I don't think so!  I think it means God is way more concerned with eternal things than with us walking in a safe and comfortable life without challenge or conflict.

Before I am crucified, let me say that I am not talking about anything that goes against scripture!  I am also not talking about anything you are divided on in your marriage to begin with.  On any of our adoptions, one or the other of us brought it to the table and in every one of them, the other was not on board to begin with.  We would never move forward as long as we were not both on board!  We waited to move forward in these situations until we both knew without a doubt the direction was from God and we were in agreement that we should move forward.  Moving forward when you are not both in agreement is not at all what I am speaking of. I am talking about when you walk the path God has asked you to walk, in total agreement, and it stretches you beyond where you ever imagined you could go!

Here's the bottom line, we grow when we are stretched!  I am doing a bootcamp right now and I can barely sit here long enough to type this post because my back is all our of whack from all the changing my body is doing.  I am pushing my body to physical limits like I never have before!  And any physical fitness expert will tell you that is where the reshaping takes place.  Well the same is true of our spiritual muscles.  They are reshaped when God stretches us beyond where we ever thought we could walk!

If God is calling you to "stretch", say yes! The thing is, you can't see what is going to happen when you say yes!  You may see the struggles, but you don't see what has been set into motion in the spiritual realm that will change lives for God's purposes!  Each one of my children is a warrior for Christ.  Had we not said yes - even in the midst of an imperfect marriage by two often struggling Christ followers, they might not have been raised in God's ways - trained for the life He has for them!  Fix your eyes on the unseen!  Trust God to get you through whatever He calls you to!  It's the only way to truly learn Who He is! Trust me, I know! :0)

Just some updates

I don't have a ton of time to blog this morning, but there is lots going on for those of you following me on this crazy ride! And I didn't want to leave you hanging...especially those praying, I want you to KNOW that your prayers are effective and are moving heaven and earth to accomplish that which you are asking!  Thank you and PLEASE keep praying!  So here is my life in bullet points this morning....somehow it seems appropriate since that is how I feel like I live right now...in bullet points! :)

• Addy's Hope is shoring up our foundation!  Made a payment of a little over $1200 yesterday thanks to some very generous donations from those who read my letter!  Thank you!  We are now down to a little over $8,000 needed for Project Firm Foundation.
• We have a little over $200 for Hope's Promise, the maternity home.  We had another team meeting today. The ideas just fly around the table!  It is exciting. We have our official event on June 29 - please be praying for the people who will be attending that they will know "if" they are supposed to have a part and if they are, what part is it!
• We have our first major fund raiser set for November 7 - a clay shoot!  We are VERY excited about this and the possibilities!  We have another fund raiser in the works for October...stay tuned!
• We had another team meeting on the maternity home today and it is crazy the ideas and energy that this team has as things pop around the table in discussion....and then they get it done!!!  They are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!
• I survived my second birthing class this week! Only two more to go and then the real count down begins!
• We are still looking for office space and trying to figure out what that looks like for the agency.  
• I am still trying to juggle being a working mom and a stay at home mom all at the same time..especially during the summer.  But definitely enjoying my kids being around more!

I think that is all them major points!  Lots more posts rolling round in my head..hopefully I can stop and get them down soon!  I need a vacation! :)

Hope's Promise Update

We looked at the $500,000 property yesterday that was a home with an office.  It could work.  It had some definite strikes against it, like the overwhelming stench of animal urine when you walked in the door!  And it was way over priced.  But the prayers of you warriors were answered with another lead of a property that sounds like it would be perfect that our amazing Realtor thought of as she heard us talking about plans for the home.  The property is not for sale right now, but has been in the past.  So she is checking on it for us.  Will you please continue to pray?  Pray that if this is the property God has for us the owner would be willing to consider selling.  From what our Realtor said, it might just be a needed change for the owners as well, so I am praying this would be a perfectly timed blessing for them as well.  It is a property that would most likely allow us to serve 10 plus girls immediately!

The plan would be to purchase this property with the long term goal remaining: to purchase the God Promised land and build a larger facility.  The exciting part about the long term plan is that then the home we are purchasing now (whatever that turns out to be) would be a transition home for the moms who choose to parent and need a place to get on their feet!  We can continue to speak into their lives, teach them about Jesus and teach them to be mommies!  Honestly, that gets me so excited, I can hardly sit still!

Please don't stop praying.  As I have prayed this week, time and again I feel assured by the Holy Spirit that this will happen and will happen quickly.  But I have also been assured that the opposition will come just as fast and just as strong!  The enemy is defeated when we pray and walk in obedience. He is defeated when my friend brings her birthday money from her husband to get her hair colored to my front door to pay for the home instead!  He is defeated when a 12 and 14 year old girl sit two days in the heat selling cold drinks and telling people they want to help other young girls who find themselves in a hard place with no where to go but wanting to chose life for their babies!  He is defeated when girls are told to abort their baby or leave and they have a place to go so they can choose life! So please don't stop praying!  I assure you your prayers are effective!  I have never seen anything like what is happening with this home!  The way people are working together across "church" lines!  Well, I guess maybe I have seen it...when we built the orphanage in Liberia!  But I was just a bystander to the amazing work of Jeremy and Kami!

I will be applying for a grant from a local business that is very generous with community organizations.  They have given organizations in the past more than what it would take for us to just purchase this property (or whatever property God leads us to) right away!  I am believing God for something just as crazy as that!  God is ready to show His glory!  And I know how ever this happens it will be in a way that no man can take credit because it would only be possible by a Might God who works miracles!

Here we go....

In the beginning.....

The reason you have so many blog posts tonight is I can't sleep!  I have spent my time with Jesus to make sure there are no issues to deal with causing my sleeplessness.  I don't want to work...so I'm blogging! But the fact is, 11 years ago right now, I was probably not sleeping either!  But instead of blogging, I was probably looking at photo listings of children in orphanages around the world and crying over each one as I read their circumstances.  Or I was reading posts on African American hair care because we were kicking around the idea of adopting from Haiti - not because we had sought that out, but it was the only thing we thought we could afford.

It was the beginning of a journey so much larger than I could ever have imagined back then!  If you would have told me then what the next 11 years would look like, I would have dropped right then of a hart attack!  It's why God doesn't let us see the future, I am quite certain!

As I have pondered that beginning over the past months, I realized I have never really told that story in my blog.  So here goes!

Around May of 2001, God put adoption on my heart in a way that literally consumed me in a way nothing had before or has since!  I literally could not eat or sleep for the need to learn more about adoption.  Callie was probably neglected (at least in my terms of the attention a 15-18 month old should receive) for that time.  John and I would talk.  I would share with him that I was certain God was asking us to do something, but I didn't know what!  We had talked about adoption almost from the first date, I think.  We both wanted to adopt at some point, but had planned to have our children we wanted biologically first and then adopt, you know, because at the ripe age of 27, I wasn't getting any younger and needed to birth babies while I was still young.  Ha!  God proved what he thought of that! But John was still trying to adjust to having Callie.  He truly didn't know if he ever wanted any more children - adopted or birthed.  God proved what he thought of that, too! :)

John would come home from work and I would be sobbing over photos.  He would look at me trying to understand, but really just thinking I had lost my mind and wondering if the professionals needed to be called in, I am sure!  I remember one conversation when he came home one day for lunch after I had been reading profile after profile of children needing homes.  I said something like how can you look at these faces and not know that we need to adopt?  I don't remember what he said, but my response was, "you mean everyone who looks at these pictures doesn't feel the way I do?" He assured me that he  they did not! I guess that was my first glance into adoption as a calling on my life...I just didn't know it yet!

We would pray about what we should do.  And we would decide we would have another baby then adopt after that.  Great! That's settled!  Then we would go to bed - and I would toss and turn and feel an uneasiness.  Let me interject here that at this point in my spiritual journey I was just beginning to understand that Christianity meant more than just accepting Jesus as Lord and knowing you would go to heaven when you died.  God was taking me on a journey of learning who He is - a journey into the joy of intimate relationship with Him!  A journey I am still taking!  But my ability to "hear" God was almost non-existent at the time.  It was more peace versus unrest that guided me through this process.

Through all the tossing and turning and hours and hours on the internet, I discovered much about adoption that now amazes people.  First of all, the cps system assured me no children under the age of 5 would be available because they hardly ever had cases before they went into school or they were in sibling groups with school aged kids.  So that was out since we had a one year old and were not going to disrupt birth order! And once again God would prove what he thought of that too!  Also, would this be a good time to mention that in my family planning, I would NEVER have a need of a double stroller because all my children would be at least three years apart.  Anything closer would be radically unfair to the children. You can stop laughing now!  

Another fact about adoption at the time is that you had to prove infertility with many adoption agencies to even apply for their adoption programs.  Yes, that was only 11 years ago!  We weren't infertile!  At least we didn't think we were....we hadn't tried!  We just felt a tug that God had a child we needed to find to bring into our family.  Through my calling and researching, God would take me on, in hindsight, an amazing journey of facts and information that perfectly prepared us for Noah!  I literally marvel even 11 years later at how he mapped out those events in those three months.

We had finally settled on adopting from Haiti so that we would start the process January 2002 in order to bring home a baby around the first of the year 2003 (yes, Callie would be three in January...remember - no double strollers, children at least three years apart!).  I had joined a yahoo group (do those even exist anymore?!) for families adopting from Haiti.  I was soaking in all that I could from these families who had walked the journey.  I was so excited.  Looking back, I don't really remember the struggle to get to where we were ok with adopting a black child.  I knew from early on I wanted children from every continent (sorry, I know that is offensive to many adoptive parents...I promise, I mean it with a most sincere heart!), so it really wasn't an issue for me.  We did know it would be a stretch for our families as well as for the very small, very West Texas farming community we lived in.  John was the principal and we were the volunteer youth leaders for a very traditional southern Baptist church. So I really talked to no one, literally not another human being except John about the whole thing....initially!  It was lonely and overwhelming!  That is why I have such a passion for walking with people through the adoption process!  I have not forgotten those early days of gathering information.  I was so tired of people telling me to read their pamphlet or look at their website.  I wanted a voice!  I wanted another human, flesh and blood being to flesh out what I was thinking and answer the questions that raced through my mind almost faster than I could get them out.  

Through the Haitian adoption yahoo group, I met a lady who probably never knew the impact she had on our journey.  She sent me an e-mail one day and said she had read a comment I made about how we were not interested in the typical Caucasian baby girl that so many were seeking since we could have biological children.  (I don't know if this is still true, but then, typically, baby boys waited longer in orphanages than girls because people requested girls almost 2 to 1 over boys).  She asked if we had considered adopting domestically since African American boys in Texas were the hardest to place babies.  Well, we hadn't really thought of it for a lot of reason.  First, we were scared of the horror stories of biological families coming back and gaining custody of children who had been adopted.  Second, we thought international adoptions were safer...go ahead, you say it this time..God proved what He thought of that!  But most importantly, we didn't have any money.  But her comment intrigued me.  I have no idea where she got her information, so don't quote this as gospel, but she told me that at that time, the majority of African American babies in America were being adopted in Canada because white families in America would not adopt them.  I was mortified!  Not that Canadians are bad, but the fact that Americans would not be willing to adopt these babies when so many people were wanting to adopt simply because of their skin color made me furious.  So I started researching domestic agencies.  I printed the list of adoption agencies in Texas to begin my phone calls, and I lost count of the pages that printed!  I was overwhelmed!  But I began a the top and started calling.  I quickly found that most agencies had reduced fees for African American or bi-racial children.  I can't even begin to tell you how even now that makes me angry.  An African American baby's life is just as valuable as any Caucasian!  And if you can process an African American adoption for that fee, you can process that Caucasian adoption for the same fee..stepping down off my soap box!  But even the reduced fees were more than we could possibly afford.  And one other major difference in adoptions then, no one loaned you money or raised money for adoptions!  At least not anyone in any of our circles!  

In all my calling there was one conversation in particular that was an annoyance at the time, but God would use in a mighty way later!  One lady I spoke with at one of the agencies started telling me her personal story.  I don't mean to be rude, but it didn't apply to me!  She had given me the information I needed about her agency, and I already knew for reasons I can't remember that it was not a good fit for us.  I just wanted to get off the phone so I could call the other million agencies on my list to be told to look at the website that I had already looked at and found to be totally useless for the information I was seeking!  But she kept talking.  She told me about the daughter they had adopted from the foster system who had been drug exposed and had withdraws for the first few weeks.  Let me stop here and say, we had our "list"!  And her story was totally irrelevant for three reasons on that list!  One, we weren't going through the foster system because we had been told you couldn't find babies to just adopt and I could never foster or adopt older children (yes, God would prove what He thought of that also....seeing a pattern here?!).  Two, she said drug exposure.  We were not doing drug or alcohol exposure.  Period.  Three, her baby had an unknown father! Nope! Too risky!  But she told me her story anyway, and I did have enough tack to not hang up on her, so I heard her out.  She made a statement that would later be a game changer.  She said, "do not let drugs scare you! If you remove a child from the environment where they were exposed to drugs and intervene, then drug exposure doesn't have to mean life long consequences."  Her daughter was two at the time of our phone conversation.

So back and forth we would continue to go with our "planning".  Still researching domestic adoption, but really not finding any realistic options with fees still being $20K plus even with it reduced for African American programs and many agencies requiring infertility...yet I didn't really have peace about Haiti either..and John still wasn't sure he wanted another baby period!

At some point in my insanity I did share my struggle with a dear friend, Debbie.  She was a widow left to raise 4 children when her husband who had been the pastor of the church there had died of brain cancer.  Her oldest daughter had become and to this day still is like a sister I never had!  They lived in what was once a Church of Christ church, and we live in the parsonage across the "parking lot"...remember I said a very small farming community! She was the only person I knew at that time that I knew wouldn't think I was certifiably in sane for starting a sentence with, "I think God is telling me...."  I'm not saying there were not other people in that community that believed in the power of the Holy Spirit to "speak" into your life, I am just saying I hadn't heard them talk about it! We had already caused some ripples because we played the music with the youth on Wednesday nights really loudly and we played contemporary music...I sure didn't want word to get out that I was hearing voices!  

to be continued.......

I survived!

There are a couple of defining moments in this journey of becoming a pre-mature mimi that I have dreaded since I got what has become known as "the nod that changed my world" (that would be the nod to the 'are you pregnant' question asked).  One of those moments was birthing class.  I don't know why I dreaded them.  I mean regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a life, the birthing of a new baby is one of the most precious and miraculous events on this earth, and being there at the birth of my grand baby will truly be an honor no matter what lays on the other side of the birth.  But the dreading of the birthing class is just one of the myriad of emotions this journey has taken me through that I really can't explain or even understand...something very difficult for a woman who typically is in control of her emotions and knows why she feels how she feels and how she will "fix" the feeling if it needs fixin' (that's the southern way of saying that for those not from around here!).  That has't been the case the last 7 months.  It's different than the hormonal ups and downs of a pregnancy, it's deeper.  The emotions cut to the core and effect my every fiber.  That is one of the things that has made this journey so difficult.

But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive!  No, it doesn't make sense!  Its just a class, I get it!  But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.

Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location.  So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started!  Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!

I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads!  Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?!  The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!

But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while.  And I immediately knew why!   I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general.  I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers!  I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control.  I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children!  It was a good experience!  I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.

So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing!  Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago!  For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half!  Love that lady! :)

But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion!  I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........

ok...I couldn't just leave it there!  I tried!  I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :)  I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it!  So relax Mom!  There are no plans for number 8! :)  But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......

Maternity Home update....

I know several of you are following this crazy ride God has put us on to open a maternity home!  I know many of you are faithfully praying, so I wanted to give you an update.  We have an appointment tomorrow to look at the property I talked about in my last post!  Moving forward in faith!  We already have our first donation toward that property (or the maternity home in general) that came to my front door today in a most humbling gesture!  A dear friend had an appointment to have her hair highlighted as her husband had given her money for her birthday to get that done.  But instead she drove to my house and gave the money toward the home!  God continues to amaze me with the people He has involved in this project in just the few short weeks it has been in process.  We have people who see the need who do not even know THE Reason (aka: JESUS) we are doing this jumping up and offering their talents and services for our fund raisers.  We are praying they meet Him along the way! 

The team of people he has surrounded me with during this time continues to blow me away!  We left the last meeting with a goal to get invitations...by the end of the next day these women (and one man...can't forget Jon!) already had the template and wording ready and the invitations were ordered just a few days later! I would still be trying to find a template that I liked....remember, I'm the visionary! :)

We have a clay shoot scheduled for November 2 as our first fundraiser and we are expecting big things!  

Thank you for all the prayers and e-mails of encouragement!  Please keep them coming!  This work can get heavy, but the encouragement and prayer of those supporting us keep us moving forward and refocusing us on Him whose yoke is light!  

OH....and we have a name....Hope's Promise Maternity Home!

Here we go.....

Got $500,000?!

I think I have found the perfect house for Addy's Hope!  The only problem, we are $500,000 short!  We just got approved for our state contract in order to place waiting children available for adoption in the Texas Foster System in permanent adoptive homes which means WE NEED AN OFFICE!!!!!  This house has a beautiful home up front that would allow us to immediately open the teen maternity home while we raise the money for the larger home (that would be just a block away) AND has an office in the back that we can use to house the Addy's Hope office...growing into the larger home when we have the money to support it!

Here is the deal!  We are $500,000 short (well, only $499,900 because Callie raised $100 on the drink stand she set up at our garage sale).  We don't have funds for the down payment or monthly payments right now because our programs are still being developed.  But Addy's Hope has never worked on a surplus! Only on faith!  So I am believing in faith...funny thing is, God asked me to step up the faith and quit doubting and confess my unbelief about this area just this weekend!  Then I drive by this house a board member told me about last week and I can't believe what I see!  The perfect set up for where we are NOW!

God has taken me to Philippians 4:19 time and again over the past few months as He has challenged me to believe Him for the things He tells me He will provide.  The office and maternity home are two of those things!  It says in the amplified version, "and my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)  And in my world $500,000 in the time frame we need is LIBERALLY supplying our need!  And I am going to take Him at his Word!  Until this opportunity is gone, I am going to ask Him and believe Him to provide for this.  And if this isn't it, I will look for the next opportunity because I know without a doubt that He will provide for the office and the maternity home as He has already confirmed it in His word!

And when He does, it will be for His glory!  That is the part that is so amazing!!  Whenever He chooses to provide the needs, I know He will do it in a way that brings Him glory and lets his goodness go on display for the watching world to see!

He is already laying the ground work!  In the last week, our local news station, CBS 7, had a post on the rise of teen pregnancies in Odessa and another on the local college giving over $1,000,000 in a grant for teen moms!  The need is there, the money is there, an I am trusting God to bring us what we need at the exact time!

You might just be the contact that helps us!  Asking for money is totally out of my comfort zone, but I find myself doing it a lot lately.  If you know of anyone who might have a few thousand they could donate, a company looking for a place to donate for a tax write off, or someone with a heart for ministry to pregnant teens or adoption who has a big heart and a small budget and wants to send their $5.  God can do this a dollar at a time!  Please share this with on your FB page or anywhere you can to spread the word!

And thank you in advance!  I will keep you posted and we can all sit back and watch God do His thing! :)

Project Firm Foundation

Dear Friends and Family:

You are receiving this message because I want to allow you the opportunity to be part of what God is doing in our ministry at Addy’s Hope Adoption Agency!  There are many exciting things on the horizon for Addy’s Hope as God confirms again and again.  Two of the biggest are becoming a contracted agency with the Texas Department of Children and Family Services in order to place children waiting in the Texas foster system into loving, Christian adoptive homes; and the start of Midland/Odessa’s only teen maternity home.

There are several ways you can be part of what is happening at Addy’s Hope.  The first is to visit our website at www.addyshope.org and sign up for our newsletter.  We promise we will not fill your inbox! In fact, we have made a promise as a board that we will only send out a quarterly newsletter in order to keep you updated on the developments of these and all other happenings with Addy’s Hope. 

Second, and most importantly, we need your prayer support.  John and I have been doing ministry long enough to know the importance of prayer covering, especially during times of new developments for projects and programs that will change lives like those we are currently beginning.  We covet your prayers for the financial blessings we need to operate, the volunteers we need to carry out many of these tasks, and the children and families that God brings to us to connect.  We also covet your prayers for our family as we always see the intensity of the spiritual warfare increase during times of growth for the agency.

Third, if you know of families considering adopting or mothers in crisis considering adoption as a loving option, please send them our information! 

Finally, we are in need of your financial donations to move forward in all God has called us to do.  Years ago as God prepared me for the direction He was taking Addy’s Hope, He planted me in Isaiah 54 with this scripture: “Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; Lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.”  As I have personally prayed over the maternity home and the waiting child program, God has taken me back to this scripture many times in the recent months.  In order for us to stretch out we must lengthen our cords and strengthen our pegs as Isaiah says.  We must have a firm foundation on which to build these programs.  As we have discussed this as a board, all members have agreed that our debt from maintaining the Liberian orphanage during the adoption moratorium must be paid off.  Our current debt is $9,963.  We are asking anyone who feels led to donate whatever amount they can to eliminate this remaining debt and allow us to move forward with a firm foundation in all God is asking us to do.  Would you be a part of Project Firm Foundation?  Will you be a brick in our foundation that will forever change the lives of children and young pregnant teens?  No amount is too small!  We can pay this off one dollar at a time if we need to.  We are believing God for the entire amount to be donated in the next 6 weeks.  You can donate by sending your donation to Addy’s Hope, P.O. Box 9161, Midland, TX 79708 or online through PayPal at www.addyshope.org – just look for the donate button at the bottom of the page.  All donations are tax deductible as we are a 501c3 organization, and you have my personal promise that every dollar donated and designated for Project Firm Foundation will go directly to this debt.

If you are committing to us in prayer, would you e-mail me and let me know that as well?  I know it sounds cliché, but at times of greatest conflict in our ministry, I truly feel the prayers of those warriors going to battle for us on their knees.  It is during these times that prayer truly is what sustains me.

Thank you for taking the time to read about this exciting time at Addy’s Hope!  If you have friends or family that you feel would be interested in what we are doing in our ministry, would you please pass this along to them?  We would love to add them to our e-mail list for our newsletter.

 

 

Being obedient to The Call,

HollyAnn Petree

432.897.1503

www.addyshope.com

T-minus 7 weeks and hurting....

So I haven't posted a lot on the journey to being a grand mother.  There are many reasons for that, but the main one being I have respected Paizley's privacy as she has walked out this season.  I will continue to do that so there will be few details in this post.  I hesitated writing this as without the details (or even with the details for some) this post has the potential to bring harsh judgement and accusation.  But God brought to mind my fellow pre-mature grandparents to be and reminded me that this is one of those hard topics that just isn't talked about often enough.  So I am putting it out there in the hopes of others once again finding encouragement just to know they are not alone!

This journey is hard!  Yesterday Paizley had her second sonogram.  Baby is still a girl.  They did the 3D or whatever that is called where you can almost "see" her...like for real!  It is creepy and amazing all in one!  As the face came into view, the tears started to fall.  I couldn't help it.  They weren't tears of joy, but tears of heart ache!  I was looking into a precious face that I just might have to hold and kiss what appears to be a very chubby cheek then let go.  Because we haven't shared details with hardly anyone but those in our intimate circle, few know the events of the past seven months.  But the events have been such that even at this late date, we do not know for sure what will happen with our baby girl.

All options are still out there.  It is our most sincere prayer and heart's desire for this baby girl to be raised in the arms of her mother with the loving doting of two grandparents who weren't quite ready to embrace the title, but are more than ready to love a life and speak into that life all she needs to be all God has planned for her! But the truth is, John and I can't make the decisions that will ensure that scenario.  We can support, pray, plead and plan for that, but ultimately the journey this path takes is not in our hands.

Early in the pregnancy, my heart for this baby girl was tender.  But over the months with each incident, a brick was placed in a wall of protection.  I find it hard these days to even picture her or what life with her in our home will look like.  Some of that is fear of what that reality is because I can't imagine adding a baby to what our day to day looks like right now, but a big part of it is that I don't really know that day to day life with her will exist.  I don't know what decisions Paizley will make in the next 7 weeks.  I don't know for sure what decisions John and I will make in response to those decisions made by Paizley.  The thought of loving her and then having to let her go literally, physically, takes my breath away!

I have learned a new level of trust in God over the past few weeks.  I pray almost daily for answers in this situation, for specific directions.  And there is silence.  The only answer I get is, "Day by day, Daughter, day by day."  Those who know me know I am a planner!  Not just for the physical aspects of events, but for the emotional as well!  I want to know which basket to put my emotions in.  But God wants me to put my emotions, plans, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc, etc, in HIM!  I am learning to do that!  I am learning to go about the day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring.

But there are the moments like yesterday sitting in the sonogram room after having a very candid discussion with Paizley in the waiting room that the reality of our situation hits like a ton of bricks and the pain comes!  This has been a journey of more heart ache yet with the potential for the most hope of anything I have ever walked.  Yet as I look at all the possible outcomes, there is not a single one that is "easy".  They all come with a cost that is almost more than I think I can pay...until I remember the cross.  I might can look at the people in the situation and think I can't do this, but the people are not who called me to this, it was Jesus!  God was the one who asked us to bring a 15 year old girl without a family into our home and make her our daughter.  We said yes.  So to turn back now would be to spit in the face of the One who was mocked, beaten, whipped and nailed to a cross for me.  Regardless of whatever pain and discomfort this journey brings, it is nothing compared to what My Savior already did for me.  And for those who have adopted, you know, she is no longer some teen that needs a family, she is my daughter.  PERIOD.  So walking away from her is never an option!

And that is why we press on!  That is why I do trust Him with the next few months.  He is worthy of my trust and He is worthy of my pain!  This journey is for Him!  And it's why I can look friends who are thinking about adopting teens from the system in the face and say, "It has been the hardest year of my life, but I would do it again!"

If we come to mind, pray for us.  Pray for Paizley.  God has a hope and a plan for her and this baby that far exceeds everything she ever hoped or dreamed.  Pray she embraces that!  Pray for John and I as we walk out these next few weeks. Pray for equal parts love and truth.  Pray for wisdom beyond our years to guide, direct and decide what is best for everyone involved.  And pray for our other 6 children.  The last months have taken its toll on them too....and the only thing harder than being refined by God is watching your children being refined by God!

And for all my fellow adoptive moms turned grandma sooner than we would have liked, you are not alone!  If you ever need an ear that truly gets it, call or e-mail!  I would love to visit.  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

If I look away for a second...

If I look away for only a second, I sink!  Every day has to start with coffee and Jesus!  Ok, the coffee is optional, but the Jesus is NOT!  It only takes one day, just one day and I have a chink in my armor that leaves a place for the enemy to sneak in and  the war is on!

How do I know? Because this week has been that war!  It took one day of not putting my focus on God from the very start of my day for all the doubts in the world to come into my mind!  All the promises I have been standing on for the entire 2012 year began to crumble.  My weight, some significant relationships, our finances, my health, the agency....it all started looking impossible again!  And that's when I knew I had looked away!

So many people say, "I don't know how you do it!"  My usual response is, "not well most days!"  And that is the truth!  I am not the wife, mother, daughter, friend or ministry director I wish I was just about every day.  However, the only way I even do the meager job I manage to do is because of Jesus. Period!  And here's the thing, every one of the people who say "I don't know how you do it!" could do it too....with Jesus!

Today I spent a lot of time just asking God to forgive me for losing focus and believing the lies of the enemy.  It never fails when I have my moments of weakness, there is a well meaning friend or family member who actually puts voice to all my fears about the days ahead and what they will mean in reality.  But here's the deal, if you would have told me 11 years ago when I brought Noah home that I would some day have 7 kids with a grand baby just a year younger than my own baby living with me while I continued to raise her mother and run an adoption agency and open a maternity home, I would have just rolled over and died! I had panic attacks about taking Callie and Noah into town (we lived about 45 minutes from where we did all of our shopping) by myself for the first time!

God has reminded me this morning that He gives grace for today.  That's all!  I honestly don't know what the next few weeks will hold.  But I know who holds my next few weeks!  And as He has so graciously reminded again and again, He has promised to supply me with all I need according to His great riches in glory!  (Phil 4:19) and that isn't just finances..its love, patience, mercy, time, energy....whatever I need to do whatever He has called me to do!  As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I will not just survive this season, I will sore above it and hopefully show His glory as we fly!

Celebrating...

Six years ago today, God gave me a gift!  He gave me a precious bundle of joy that assured me life would go on after the devastation of losing Addy and then Eden.  I discovered I was pregnant just two months after returning from Sierra Leone with out Eden.  The pregnancy was a welcome shock.  I told John I was pregnant with Ava by settling a fight...we had been discussing who would return to Sierra Leone to pick up Eden when the visa was approved.  I woke up in the middle of the night and took a pregnancy test without John even knowing I suspected I might be pregnant.  When that second line appeared, I went into our bedroom, flipped on the light and told a very groggy husband that he won the fight!  He would be going to Sierra Leone to get Eden because I was pregnant!  Took him a few minutes for that to sink in!

It would be a long few months in so many ways, but the life growing inside of me kept me grounded.  I knew I had to hold my emotions and not let stress get the best of me because it was not good for the life growing inside of me.  And somehow in those moments of crisis for my faith in those months, the kicks and moves of this precious life would convince me that God was real when everything with in me wanted to turn and run the other way from Him.

Ava truly was a gift that promised life would go on after heartbreak like I had never known it!  And she has been a source of joy ever since!

She has taught me so much!  She is my ONE compliant child!  She loves life and doesn't let much bother her.  She is as determined as anyone I have ever met.  Ava has a neurological condition that makes all movements difficult.  But few know it!  I find myself reaching out to catch her when we hit uneven ground or grab her hand when we are stepping off a curb in anticipation of her faltering and possibly falling.  Or like the other day at the park, Noah and Toben climbed on top of the dinosaur to ride it.  I reached down to lift her up knowing the struggle it would be for her to get up there to which she gently pushed my hand away and in a most polite way said, "I will do it myself."

She love bows and bugs!  She wears high heals and plays soccer with her brothers!  She is an amazing little girl and I thank God today for allowing me to be her mother!  I am the luckiest mommy in this world!

Happy birthday, Ava Claire!  I love you with all my being, and I can't wait to see what God does with you!  He has mighty plans for you, you little spit fire!