Gifted

Yes, I am gifted.  No, I am not conceited!  You are gifted too!  We all are!  God created us with a specific purpose...even before our very first day occurred He had all our days planned!  That's what it says in Psalm 139.  That means when He knit me in my mother's womb, He put me together exactly how He needed to in order for me to fulfill the role I play in this time for the Kingdom.  Now that gets my excited!  And if it doesn't light your fire, well as my Granddaddy would say, your woods wet!

I have been at a training the past two days for a class I will have to use to train prospective adoptive parents in our adoption program for children waiting in the Texas foster system who are legally available for adoption.  There are some really great people at the training...and then there are some really not so great ones also. But as I have listened to the conversations, I become keenly aware that I was made for this work!  My passion and personal experiences give me a perspective that no one else in the training has.  Now I know way better than to get a big head about this!  I know that I have nothing to boast about but Christ in me!  But I can boast about that! So I am!  I am so excited about the months to come at Addy's Hope!  I can't wait to see what God does!  We have so many needs to get us where it feels like we can even start to be effective in these programs, but God promises to abundantly supply all I need to do His work, so I am pressing ahead in faith with great expectation of how abundantly and amazingly He is going to meet each and every one of those needs so we can carry on His work of connecting His children with His loving families so that He will not leave them as orphans!  Everybody hang on!  I think this rides gonna be good!

I'll say it again...

I have said it here before, and I will say it again, GOD equips you for what He calls!  He will also keep you humble! I have had to travel for some training this work for the CPS contract for Addy's Hope.  We are now contracted to place waiting children in the Texas foster system in adoptive homes!  It has been MONTHS in the making!  The training I am at is for the course I have to use to train parents who want to adopt from the state.  As I headed out for the trip, I had to laugh at myself as I thought back to the beginning...when God called us to open an adoption agency.

I was a stay at home mom.  I had been a teacher before that.  The corporate/professional world scared me to death!  But I had to make a trip to Austin in order to even obtain the application to become a licensed agency with the state.  I set out hesitantly to get ready for the trip.  I needed to make my flight reservations.  I worked up the confidence to make the reservation.  I did it and was so proud.  I crawled into bed next to John and said, "I did it!  I will arrive in Houston in just enough time to get to the meeting."  As soon as it came out of my mouth, I wanted to scream!  I had made my flight to the WRONG CITY!!!  It was my first of many lessons on this journey in humility and  a reminder that I am totally and completely reliant on God for this job He has given me!

So today, when I arrived, on time, for my training...in the correct city, I was overjoyed!  Seriously, though, it was a reminder of how far I have come.  The professional world still intimidates me!  But I have learned to look to the One Who gave me this assignment to gain whatever I need to do whatever He asked!

I was reminded of this also as I cried my way out the door this morning leaving my kids behind.  I will be home in 4 days..I used to leave for Liberia for 2-3 weeks at a time multiple times a year!  This morning I wondered how in the world I did that!  God gently reminded me that He gives grace and strength for whatever season we are in!  And that is what he did back then.  And even today as I struggled with leaving, He gave me two examples in the days before I left of moms who have entered a working role after being dedicated stay at home moms and showed me how that pleased Him because it was what He called them to for now....like me.

So tonight I thank God that I know my life's calling.  I thank Him for allowing me to work in my passion and I thank Him for equipping me for each step!

I'll say it again...

My First Born

Callie turned 12 in January. She is an amazing young woman with so many gifts!  I can't wait to see what God does with her life! She is one of those that you get on your knees a lot to parent because she has giftings that you know you can't really parent without the immense assistance of the Holy Spirit!  She is as beautiful inside as she is out!  We took these pictures when we were on vacation in Fredericksburg several weeks ago!  Where did my baby girl go?

Some say we look alike!

I love this girl and she loves me back!

Callie and my Dad!  I will cherish this picture always!

Did I mention she is a bit goofy too?! 

Introducing Peighton Hope

I would like you to meet my granddaughter.  You have heard much about her, but here she is!  She is perfect.  She will be going home with us.  We are praying and trusting that all will be as needs to be for her to stay.  Paizley did an amazing job during labor and delivery.  It was fast, but she was a real trooper!  We laughed about the fact that this is one time she can be thankful she is adopted....she doesn't have my baby birthing genes! It was a great day, and I felt the prayers of many.  We were in a good place to have a wonderful day to remember when Peighton Hope entered the world!

My Gethsemane

I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross.  John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation.  We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this."  I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task.  It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same.  We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!

Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days.  The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days.  I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart.  I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat.  I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.

I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family.  But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months!  I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life.  I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months.  God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter.  However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me.  Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial.  But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over.  The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing.  Some days it was paralyzing.  Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.

As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it.  I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months.  When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea.  There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption.  I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child.  But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible.  I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me.  And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did.  "God, PLEASE take me back!  Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain."  I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life.  I don't even know if regret is the right word.  I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.

In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead.  It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor.  I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation.  Take away all of it.  Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking.  For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done!  I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it.  I guess you could say I prayed it in faith.  But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out.  God is so faithful!  I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray.  I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different!  I began to feel the hurt lift.  I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point.  There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there.  It was like nothing I have ever experienced.  I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!

We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans.  I knew God was parting my Red Sea.  I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart.  I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making  way for just that.

It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday.  I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea.  But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through.  And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey.  As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought.  When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day!  It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross!  No more and no less than what I need for THAT day!  And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip.  And that is why I say YES!

Beauty From Ashes

Eight years ago today an event occurred that would radically change my life and the lives of many.  We wouldn't even learn of the event for two more days.  But when we did,  my world as I knew it was over.

Eight years ago today, Addy Joy Petree lost her battle with cholera and took her last breath on a road in Sierra Leone while riding to the hospital in an ambulance that was just too late.  We were three months into the adoption process.  She was three years old.  We only  have this one picture of her.

But this one picture, it was enough.  Enough to make me fall in love and know that she was mine.  I know that is hard to believe and just sounds dramatic, but for those who have adopted and have received a picture, you know what I mean!  You truly do fall in love with that little person on the other side of the picture!

The call came while we were in Midland, we lived in Garden City at the time, watching the Watoto Children's choir oddly enough!  We had just spent the entire evening dreaming about our twin girls half way around the world after watching a group of children from the same continent sing and dance in traditional African custom.  Callie and Noah were so excited as they watched these children and wondered if the girls would know how to dance like that.

When we got home there was a message from our adoption agency saying we needed to call as soon as possible.  We immediately knew it probably wasn't good as we had never received a call from them without us initiating the conversation!  John called her back as I was busy getting kids ready for bed.  We really didn't expect her to answer, but she did.  I could tell by John's side of the conversation it wasn't good, but I couldn't tell exactly what was happening.  Then he went on the back porch and literally locked me inside.  He put his foot on the door so that I couldn't come out and hear what was happening.  I knew then it just wasn't good, it had to be catastrophic!  When he was done with the phone call, he came back in.  Right there in our kitchen he delivered the news...Addy was dead.  It took a little while for the words to register.  The details were sketchy, but the one thing we knew for sure was that cholera was the reason.  I am ashamed to say before that moment I knew nothing about cholera even though it is among the top killers in third world countries.  I went to the computer and looked it up.  What I read lit a fire in me that hasn't been put out yet, and I pray never is!  All she needed was an antibiotic and an IV.  Basically, she died from dehydration due to the excessive vomiting and diarrhea caused by cholera.  My American brain could not wrap itself around the idea that my precious baby was gone because of a preventable illness!  I became angry.  I didn't even know who or what I was angry at, but I was angry.  That anger was fueled by the tears that flowed from Callie as I told her that night that we had lost Addy.  Even at 4 years old, Callie had a heart for the less fortunate of the world that set her apart.  That heart broke that day for her sister.  It has only been in the past three or four years that Callie doesn't get really upset with me when I don't add Eden and Addy to our "count" of children when people ask how many we have.  Watching her grieve Addy was the only thing harder than handling my own grief and questions left by her death.

Over the next few weeks, God would use Addy's life and untimely death to call John and I to a life committed to the orphans of this world.  That path has taken several twists over the last 8 years.  But it started with that call and continued two weeks later when we were standing in a laundry room in San Antonio folding laundry before packing up to head home from our family vacation.  John looked at me and said, "I think God is asking us to open an adoption agency."  My answer: "In about 18 years, that would be a fabulous idea!  When the kids are grown and I can go to work, I would love to do that."  Remember, I had a 4 and 3 year old at home and was still planning to bring Eden home which would make 2 three year olds and a four year old!  Not the ideal setting for starting up an adoption agency.  Plus, I was still at a stage in life where just cleaning house overwhelmed me! How would I EVER start any kind of business/ministry from scratch and keep it up?  But I also knew this had never been even a hint of a dream to John.  It was my dream!  But God knew that it would take speaking to John and putting it on his heart to convince me to give it a try.  I agreed to pray about it.  When we got home, I talked with our home study provider who was in the process of becoming a licensed agency.  The doors just began to open.  Each step was revealed as it needed to be done.  And the rest is history!  Addy's Hope has been in existence for 7 years.  God has placed 38 children from Liberia in Christian families here in the US.  We built two medical clinics, a school and an amazing children's home through those connected to Addy's Hope.  And now we are serving the children in our own backyard.  No, they may not die from cholera, but they are dying in our foster system.  Dying a spiritual death.  It's funny when I look back at what started us on this journey!  It makes me realize how immature I was at the time...but proof once again that God calls you
RIGHT
WHERE
YOU
ARE to accomplish the work He has for you!  I thought we were just saving lives, physical lives.  But what God would quickly show me is that we were saving their souls!  He was asking us to work on the behalf of children who left where they were might never know the saving grace of Jesus or live lives that had equipped them for all He had for them in His kingdom.

Often you hear that time heals all wounds.  Time has made it a little easier.  But it will still hit me at weird times.  I can see an African baby girl and be overcome with grief.  Often when I see twins, my heart breaks and the tears will come.  I was thinking about this not too many weeks ago when I was in the mall and something triggered the sadness again.  It seems to be a grief that doesn't really ever heal.  I mean I miss my Grammy so much it hurts sometimes, but even in those moments it is not a crippling grief.  There is a peace that she lived a long life and while we miss her, we appreciate the time we had with her.  Losing Addy has never had that peace.  I am assuming it is probably like that with all parents who lose children too soon in this earthly life.

I was sharing with another mom who lost a baby they were adopting through us in Liberia.  She has gone on to do amazing things in Ethiopia through her organization Because Every Mother Matters.  She is preventing orphans by supporting moms!  Truly amazing things!  Spurred on by the death of a little girl half a world away whom they loved through a picture.

But as I shared with my friend, I think our girls would be proud!  I think they would feel honored by the fires started by the sparks of their short lives.  So today even though tears will fall, all in all, I am blessed to have been a part of her short life.  And I am thankful that God turned the ashes from her death into the beauty of the ripples left from her.

Knowing God's Will

I have often said when contemplating a decision that needs to be made or looking for which direction to go in life that I wish I could receive an e-mail from God with the directions spelled out.  I don't say that anymore.  Not because at times I still wish it was that simple and clear cut.  I still with at times I could write Him my questions, like a tech support, and He sends back the answers.  Yes, that would be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! But I have also come to learn that the reason God doesn't do that is because it requires no relationship!  When I have a question about a program that isn't working or a website I can't find the answer on, I look for the "contact us" button and send a request for information.  I then get an instant message or an e-mail with the information I need - I never have to engage with the person on the other end of the computer!  I don't even know their name most of the time.  If I have learned anything over the past 15 years of trying to walk in relationship and not just legalism with my Lord it is that He values my relationship with Him above all else!

So when I ask Him for direction, He is not going to send an e-mail from His tech support! He is going to draw me into Him.  He is going to ask me to spend a  little more time with Him than I do for daily maintenance.  He is going to ask me to sit a little quieter and listen a little closer to His still small voice.  Romans 12:2 states it this way, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."  That's pretty plain!  God is telling us, if you want to know the answer, spend time with me and in my Word!  I am not making this a mystery!  But I am not going to send an e-mail or write it in the sky with an airplane, either!  He wants us in His word transforming our minds.  That is the only way we can test and approve His will!  But if we do that, we can know His will.  No secrets.

I was reminded of this again recently as we heard God ask us to walk in a new direction in an area of our life.  I can't share details right now, but will soon.  Basically we were like Abraham....God said pack up your stuff and walk.  That was it.  No direction for where the end of the journey was.  Just walk.  Now the logical, mathematical me doesn't really even know how its possible to take off in any direction when you don't know the destination.  But Isaiah 55:8 quickly reminds me that my ways are not His!  Can I get an Amen to that?!  If I said in the midst of being asked to walk with no direction to walk I was not completely frustrated, I would be lying.  If I said I wanted to turn back and go to where we just came from just to be in a familiar place, I would not be truthful.  And if I said it didn't make me question if I had heard God at all in this area, I would be leading you astray.  John and I both prayed relentlessly in this area and both felt God telling us the same thing - W.A.L.K.  But it wasn't until we finally decided in our minds and committed to walking, with out turning back, that God gave clear direction.  It is just like Joshua 3 when the Israelites are crossing the Jordan into the promised land.  God required the priests to step into the water before He stopped the water from flowing.  The last time He stopped water from flowing for the Israelites, Moses only had to stretch out his hand.  This time God required a step of faith, a step of obedience before He made the path clear.  As soon as John and I determined to walk in obedience, not turn back to what was familiar or give up for lack of direction, but trust and obey, God provided the rest of the answer for where we were to walk!  It was just like a door opened as soon as we agreed to obey!  I had to smile when I realized what had happened.

So many times when we are asked by God to wait for an answer for whatever reason, we start to doubt our ability to hear Him or get clear direction from Him.  The enemy loves to put those doubts in our minds.  However, the scripture is very clear.  1 Corinthians 2:16 tells us in plain language - we have the mind of Christ!  We don't need an e-mail from God!  We have His mind already!  We only need to sit still long enough and spend enough time in His word to know without a doubt what His good and perfect will is!

I love that about God.  He truly is not into guessing games!  If I don't have a clear answer or direction, it means I need to sit longer with Him.  It may mean I have some sin in my life I need to deal with in order to hear God's voice or it may mean I have to open to what the answer is...even if its no.  Or it may just mean He wants to spend a little more time with us, preparing us for the answer.  But it never means He doesn't want to give us the answer.  The answer is on its way!

A little devotional

One of our former adoptive parents and dear friend of mine called me a couple of months ago and asked if I would be interested in writing a devotional for a book that was being written compiling devotions for adoptive parents.  I said I would do my best and submitted one of the many lessons God has taught me over the past 11 years in the adoption world!  I know it will come as a shock to all of you, but I had a hard time keeping it at the word minimum and gave them the liberty to trim it down however necessary to make it fit! I received an e-mail yesterday and they needed more devotions....and older child adoption was one of the areas they needed a devotion for.  So I wrote one this morning and submitted it.  Figured I would share with you guys!  I will let you know when the book is published!  I am so glad something like this is being put together.  There needs to be more spiritual support for adoptive families!  This is a great start!

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~Matthew 6:34 (MSG)

We are 19 months into the placement of our 17 year old daughter, and 13 months into her adoption as our legal daughter.  Our first grand baby will be delivered by her this month.  This will put our youngest at 13 months older than our grand baby.  The last 19 months have held two run aways, one attempted run away, countless words of rejection and manipulation, having our windows screwed shut and our hearts broken over and over.  Our faith has been stretched, and our capacity to love unconditionally has been taxed.  I had a fellow adoptive mother ask me a couple of weeks ago, “so would you do it again?”  I hesitated a second and answered with a resounding, “Yes!”  God told us this was the path and we walked it in obedience.  I would never want to walk in disobedience by saying “no” to a request from the One who went to the cross for me!  Then I quickly added a disclaimer.  If God had presented me with a script of the next year and asked me to take this child into my home before I had ever met her, I could not have said yes!  My heart would have failed right there!  But that is not what He does!  Matthew 6:34 is clear about that.  He will give us just enough strength, love, grace and mercy to handle today.   We are not to worry about what “may or may not happen tomorrow.”  So yes, I would do it again!  I have learned to trust fully in God.  He is my sustainer and my literal breath of life to make it through each day…and just that day!  In the next few weeks I will become MiMi at 38 years young with 6 children still left to raise of my own.  If I dwell on the days ahead I will be overcome with fear, doubts, insecurities and possibly even regrets.  But when I focus on today, trusting Him for each step, each breath, I make it!  And not only do I make it, but I learn more and more about the faithfulness and amazing love of the One who called me to this great adventure!

11 years ago today...In the Beginning Part 2

For those who were not happy about my "to be continued" to In the Beginning, I am sorry!  I didn't intend to make you wait this long, but time just isn't my friend in this season, so this morning was my first time to really have time to sit down and finish the story!  And what a perfect day to finish it as it happened 11 years ago today!

Eleven years ago today I would hear words that would change my life forever!  It is one of the few snap shot memories I have in my life, but I can picture the room and see everything in it like it was yesterday.  We had just finished leading the youth and had our car loaded up ready to head back home to Odessa to spend the week with my parents before we jumped on a plane for a week long vacation on the beach between Galveston and Houston.  This was a vacation we had planned back in November.  This is a crucial detail of God's timing and sovereignty that even 11 years later makes me smile!  Debbie, my friend I described in part 1, always kept Callie while we did youth events.  It was her service to us.  It was a huge blessing and became a huge lesson in my life of how to allow others to serve you as you serve in your role or capacity.  I had protested at first when she offered because it was too big of an inconvenience.  She finally sat me down one day and explained that I was keeping her from a blessing by not allowing her to do what God asked of her to help us in our ministry.  She didn't say it, but God did...pride was keeping me from accepting her help.  That lesson has been invaluable to me in the years since.  Especially now when life is so chaotic that at times I would not make it without the assistance of my amazing friends who step in to watch a child while I go to a meeting or while John and I escape for a weekend!  Back to the story.....

We were done with youth and were picking up Callie from Debbie's in order to jump in the car and leave for our three week vacation.  When I walked in, Debbie was sitting in her rocking chair rocking Callie.  She smiled at me and asked, "how is the adoption going?" My response was less than energetic!  I explained my frustration with such a strong feeling that we needed to do something but at the same time having no direction.  She smiled and spoke words that would change my life forever! She said, "I know of a little black boy who is due July 21 and needs a family!"  I just laughed.  It was the only response I had.  Then John walked into the room. I asked Debbie to tell John what she just told me to which she declined!  Debbie was a teacher, and John was her principal. Debbie knew John wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of adopting right now.  She wasn't going to be the one to deliver the news!  It still makes me laugh thinking about her response!  But we did fill John in on the secret and he just kind of shook his head.

We got in the car and headed out for the little over two hour drive to my parents.  On the way there, we talked about the possibility.  We really didn't have much information.  We decided we wanted to find out more and agreed that it would be good to talk to Debbie's sister who was the person who told Debbie about the baby.  Debbie's sister worked at a mission.  Noah's mom was going to the mission for services.  When we look back over the story, we both marvel at the fact that calling Debbie's sister is the only conscious decision we made.  Everything else just "happened" as we walked in obedience taking one step after another until we were walking out of a hospital with a beautiful baby boy!

We discovered from Debbie's sister that the baby had been exposed to drugs throughout the entire pregnancy.  She also shared that the birth father was unknown for sure.  There were several possibilities, but the mother was pretty sure the father was African American.  However as we learned more about the story, we knew there as no way she knew who the father was.  That was even more evident when Noah was born!  We also learned that the birth mother was bi-racial.  Her mother was Caucasian and her father was African American.  If the father was also African American, we knew we would be introducing our families to their first member with dark skin!  We didn't figure they would be thrilled about this idea.

I don't remember having lots of doubts.  We prayed about every step!  We didn't tell my parents because I knew it would be a battle with lots of questions and frustrations on both sides.  I wanted to avoid that if it turned out the situation didn't work out.  We were told there was possibly one other family considering adopting the baby.  It was not a for sure thing.....as we all know no adoption is, but this was our first experience and we were very naive about a lot of it!  We would find an excuse to leave the house and make phone calls to the mission director to gain a little more information.  During these conversations we learned that she was hesitant let a white family adopt her baby. Her mother had raised her, but according to what we had been told, she didn't feel like her mother had accepted her African American side.  She was afraid a white family would do the same for her baby.  I have to say that made me really angry.  Here was a woman who was doing drugs while she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I was good enough to be a mother to her baby because I was white?!  Don't worry, before this story ends, God would get a hold of me for my arrogance!  We spent that week trying to discover what we needed to do in order to pursue the adoption of this baby.  We talked to an attorney who explained the process of a private adoption to us.

As God would have it, we were set to fly into an airport that following Friday that was only an hours drive from the birth mother's town.  The mission director agreed to drive her to us, and we made arrangements to meet for dinner.  With what we had heard throughout the week, I was very nervous to meet her.  In fact, I told John, "I am not going to say much or we will never adopt this baby!" I was really angry about some of the things I had heard.  I didn't want that anger at the birth mom to come across as we talked.  We walked into Olive Garden.  We found the mission director who said the birth mom was in the bathroom.  When she walked out, my heart sank.  She was beautiful, but the effects of her difficult life were all over her face.  She was a small woman with a precious baby belly!  A belly carrying what was possibly my son.  But when I introduced myself to her and shook her hand, it was shaking.  This young woman was scared to death. Immediately all my judgement of her washed away!  Before me stood a woman who was in a place in life I could not even imagine standing.  Yes, some of it was because of her own choices, but those choices were made primarily because of the life she had lived as the child of a drug addict living on the streets.  God would speak to me then and many more times throughout the evening about my view of this situation.  He kept reminding me that I looked at all this very differently through my middle class raised, educated eyes.  If I had lived her life, I would see things in a much different way....they way she was seeing them.  And then the lesson that has repeated itself through all my ministry, but by the grace of God would it be me in her shoes too!  I did nothing to deserve being born into a middle class, Christian family who loved me and provided me with all the opportunities I could possibly want!  We all sat down and began with awkward small talk.  But over the course of the next two hours, we would learn much about her life.  This was her 6th pregnancy and she was only 26.  She had placed two others for adoption, but the other babies were not so lucky.  She had 3 abortions.  We would later learn that she had planned to abort this baby as well, but her mother had just accepted Christ and talked her out of it. My gratitude for that can't be put into words! After a couple of hours, John just came out and said, "We would really like to adopt your baby if you are ok with that."  She agreed that after meeting us, she felt we were the right family for her baby boy.  She also shared that she had dropped and was beginning to have contractions.  This put us in a pretty weird place!  If she delivered the baby that week, we would get off the plane when my parents picked me up with one more child than we had left with!  And they knew nothing about any of this at this point.


I made a decision to call them and let them know all that was happening......


More to come!  I promise before long! 

We are not always serious!

Because my blog is usually about my getting to know God and lessons I learn on this journey, it tends to be pretty serious!  I really do have a fun side!  I realize as I read through my blog that doesn't come out too often!  So I thought I would share our "Welcome to Summer Party" John and I surprised the kids with on the last day of school! 

 Home schooling the two oldest meant they weren't surprised, but it was still fun!  And the biggest bummer was Paizley had to be at work so she didn't get to join in.  It was all ideas I got off Pinterest.  We had water balloon pinatas, water guns and as many water balloons as my fingers could tie!  I think I got the feeling back in my two fingers some time the next week!

Everyone stand back!  Madison has a bat!!!!!

Noah tackling the balloon didn't end up so well for him!  He ended up in the street, but we all got a good laugh, and as you can tell from his smile, he didn't mind either!

Toben didn't have much luck with the punching bag style of breaking the pinata!  I think he finally resorted to the bat like everyone else!

Success!  And the face says it all!

It was a ton of fun, and I am pretty sure this was our first annual party! 

A Successful Fiesta!

We had our first Hope's Promise event last night!  It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!  We hosted a casual dinner for a few couples in Joel and Brooke's backyard.  Brooke is one of the amazing team members working to get Hope's Promise up and running.  We called it "Nacho Average Fiesta"!  As I walked around the yard praying before everyone got there, I asked that God would bring exactly who needed to be there in order to accomplish His will for last night.  I also asked that those who came would be moved by the Spirit with what they heard to not just hear and walk away, but be doers to take action and own the crisis we have in teen pregnancies.  He answered every one of those prayers!

We didn't have a huge crowd...about half of what we expected....expecting less than half of who we invited. But the disappointment over numbers did not last long!  Brooke introduced me with an amazing devotion by Joyce Meyer about God using people to do His work.  The amazing thing is that devotion was true of every member or our team that put together last night!  I don't know that I have ever been a part of a group of people who stay so focused on the common goal and purpose in Christ that nothing stands in their way!  These ladies and Jon ROCK!!!  As I shared the statistics for teen pregnancies:

• 79 percent of teenagers who become pregnant are unmarried. 
• 80 percent of teenage pregnancies are unintended. 
• Nearly four in ten teenage girls whose first intercourse experience happened at 13 or 14 report that the sex was unwanted or involuntary. 

• The main rise in the teen pregnancy rate is among girls younger than 15*
•  
• The United State spends $7 billion each year due to the costs of teen pregnancy. 
• Only one-third of teenage mothers complete high school and receive their diplomas 
• By age 30, only 1.5 percent of women who had pregnancies as a teenager have a college degree. 
• 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare 
• Within the first year of becoming teen mothers, one-half of unmarried teen mothers go on welfare.* 
• The daughters of teen mothers are 22 percent more likely than their peers to become teen mothers. 
• Sons of teenaged mothers have a 13 percent greater chance of ending up in prison as compared to their peers.

The people were listening. I could see it in their eyes.  Then Jon and Sarah Stepan shared their experience with a maternity home and the difference it made in the life of the birth mother of their son.  It was moving!  I finished the evening by sharing our solution to the teen pregnancy crisis.  The national trend is that teen pregnancies are declining, but in Texas the rate of teen pregnancies is rising.  And in our little corner of Texas, there are 6 counties in the top 25 in Texas for teen pregnancy rates.  The issue is to the point that news media is picking it up sharing the fears of medical community and the schools as they fear their systems can't support the number of teen moms coming up.  We believe we have the solution!  And more government involvement is not it!  Not because I am taking a political side of whether or not government should or should not be involved but because I have a Bible that tells me I am to be Christ to the world.  I am to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and when Jesus walked this earth He was ministering and supplying the needs of the harlots, the tax collectors, the outcasts of society.  So I believe I need to do the same in the 21st century. In fact, the pastor we heard this past Wednesday said it this way, "If God is going to accomplish anything on this earth during this time, it will be through you and me."   Amen!  Those at the dinner got it!  There were tears over the heartbreak of my friend who was forced to have an abortion because her family said abort or get out and she had nowhere to go.  Only to discover about three months after the abortion that she had been pregnant with twins and they had only killed baby A.  Baby B was still alive.  So her middle class, Christian, church leader parents took her back to the clinic for a late term abortion to terminate the pregnancy of Baby B.  My friend is an amazing woman of God who has overcome these trials in her life, but her story is what God used to prompt me that N.O.W. is the time to do something!

We were giving $10,000 last night plus some checks that had been donated before the evening.  I am talking off my head and from memory, not the books here, but we are at about $10,800 toward the property.

That is very short of what I had asked God for last night.  I had a number that I had specifically prayed and it was big...impossible most would say, but I believed it was what God asked me to believe Him for.  It didn't come in last night, but I believe it is on its way!  The encouragement from those who were there last night was unbelievable!  They believe in what we are doing and are committed to walking with us and sharing our vision..and while we need the actual cash to buy the property, the belief of others in what you are doing is huge when you are walking in ministry!  It is an encouragement that keeps you going and keeps you believing in the next step to finish what God has asked you to do.  

Before the night began I promised God that despite the outcome, I would trust Him.  Can I tell you the peace in that?!  No I didn't get the number I prayed for....not yet.  But I totally trust that God brought exactly who He needed to the dinner last night to accomplish His purposes for last night.  I trust that those who heard it are going to share with whoever else needs to hear it and the money will come in.  The longer I walk with God the more I learn that I only have to do what He asks and the outcome is up to Him!  We put on the dinner, we planted the seeds.  Now He will water how and when He sees fit to bring about the harvest He desires. It is not mine to worry about or fret over or even be disappointed in.  

Next week we will be getting a Hope's Promise page up on the Addy's Hope website so you can watch the progress.  We are still praying about where and how to open the first home.  Obviously we can't do anything until we have the cash to pay for it.  But we can plan and keep walking in faith step by step as He gives us direction, and that is what we will do!

A HUGE thank you to the team of "doers" who made last night happen because if they were waiting on this visionary we would still be trying to decide on a font for the invitations!  Thank you Robin Nash, Brooke Holland, Jon and Sarah Stepan, Stormy Johnson, Brandie Harris, and Emmy Shepherd.  It is surreal that this blog post  less than three months ago sparked what is now a reality!  Let me just encourage all of you to walk in what God has asked you to do even if it is to "just" cast the vision!  He will send who and what you need to do it!  This project is walking proof of that!

One month from today!

Paizley is due one month from today!  I can't believe how fast time is going.  We finished our last birthing class last night.  I have to admit as much as I dreaded the classes, they are when I get the most excited about  the baby coming.  I am still extremely reserved as things are still not great in that situation, but after a couple of good days, I at least allow myself to think about the "what ifs" of her living with us.

And then the panic sets in!  That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal  As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes!  We want that!  Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life!  That is always the goal we are working toward.  But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also.  As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time.  Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping.  Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!

I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother.  I am not.  I have prayed through this.  I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there!  I know part of it is fear!  Fear of not being a good Mimi.  I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet.  I am not ready.  But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear.  I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl.  It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child.  We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up!  I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation!  But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!

And part of  today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother!  The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning!  Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc.  I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time!  And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it!  And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations!  I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!

Obedience

I had a conversation the other day that left me perplexed and has caused me to think....a LOT!  It was someone who I am in an accountability/mentor group with.  The discussion was basically about when walking in obedience to God requires someone else's yes besides just yours...like a spouses or a business partner, etc.  The statement was made, "I would never _____ because it would stretch my marriage too much.  We wouldn't survive it."  That left me perplexed.  Mainly because John and I have been at that cross road before, but we didn't say, no, we said yes!  So it made me go back and analyze and pray through that to see if we made the right choice.  Not that we can change it now, but it could change how I talk to others in the same situation.

As I shared in a recent post here John only wanted one child.  Having a baby rocked both our worlds, but John's was really rocked and he was quite sure he didn't want his world to be rocked like that again.  At the time Callie was born, our marriage was not real solid.  We were committed which is why we are 14.5 years into this marriage journey, but it was not strong.  As anyone knows who has a baby, that baby just magnifies the cracks in a marriage and at times makes those little cracks look and feel like the Grand Canyon!  That was true of our marriage also.

So why would we say yes to another baby 18 months later?  I have thought about that so many times.  And not just Noah's adoption but almost all of them since.  If we looked only at the condition of our marriage and our family at the time, we would not have said "yes" to any of our adoptions!  We would not have been "ready"!  I don't know that any marriage or family counselor would have given us the thumbs up to proceed either.  And the fact is, some of those "reasons" were right on and did happen! All of our adoptions have pushed John and I personally and also our marriage to new heights of frustration and struggles.  If the adoption process itself didn't threaten to rip us apart, then the difficulties adjusting to another child in the family did.  Many would look at that and call us irresponsible.  In fact, many who we have walked in close relationship with us during these times have!  One of the most common criticisms we get is that we are addicted to adrenaline and create drama to keep that going.  Let me assure you, I hate drama more than any person on this planet!  Ask my kids!  If I think they are starting drama, it gets shut down immediately!

In every one of our adoptions and other life changing decisions that God called us to it comes down to a very simple thing....did God say to?  If He did, what will our response be?

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  ~2 Corinthians 4:18 I think that this is the best response to someone saying they will not ___ because of a relationship or a stress following God would cause.  If we waited for conditions (the seen) to be perfectly aligned to follow God's direction, we would never do it!  And I think many Christians are stuck there, frankly!

Did adopting put a strain on our already not perfect marriage?  Absolutely!  Has our saying yes to God put us in a place that nearly tore our marriage in two?  Absolutely!  Does that mean we missed it?  I don't think so!  I think it means God is way more concerned with eternal things than with us walking in a safe and comfortable life without challenge or conflict.

Before I am crucified, let me say that I am not talking about anything that goes against scripture!  I am also not talking about anything you are divided on in your marriage to begin with.  On any of our adoptions, one or the other of us brought it to the table and in every one of them, the other was not on board to begin with.  We would never move forward as long as we were not both on board!  We waited to move forward in these situations until we both knew without a doubt the direction was from God and we were in agreement that we should move forward.  Moving forward when you are not both in agreement is not at all what I am speaking of. I am talking about when you walk the path God has asked you to walk, in total agreement, and it stretches you beyond where you ever imagined you could go!

Here's the bottom line, we grow when we are stretched!  I am doing a bootcamp right now and I can barely sit here long enough to type this post because my back is all our of whack from all the changing my body is doing.  I am pushing my body to physical limits like I never have before!  And any physical fitness expert will tell you that is where the reshaping takes place.  Well the same is true of our spiritual muscles.  They are reshaped when God stretches us beyond where we ever thought we could walk!

If God is calling you to "stretch", say yes! The thing is, you can't see what is going to happen when you say yes!  You may see the struggles, but you don't see what has been set into motion in the spiritual realm that will change lives for God's purposes!  Each one of my children is a warrior for Christ.  Had we not said yes - even in the midst of an imperfect marriage by two often struggling Christ followers, they might not have been raised in God's ways - trained for the life He has for them!  Fix your eyes on the unseen!  Trust God to get you through whatever He calls you to!  It's the only way to truly learn Who He is! Trust me, I know! :0)

Just some updates

I don't have a ton of time to blog this morning, but there is lots going on for those of you following me on this crazy ride! And I didn't want to leave you hanging...especially those praying, I want you to KNOW that your prayers are effective and are moving heaven and earth to accomplish that which you are asking!  Thank you and PLEASE keep praying!  So here is my life in bullet points this morning....somehow it seems appropriate since that is how I feel like I live right now...in bullet points! :)

• Addy's Hope is shoring up our foundation!  Made a payment of a little over $1200 yesterday thanks to some very generous donations from those who read my letter!  Thank you!  We are now down to a little over $8,000 needed for Project Firm Foundation.
• We have a little over $200 for Hope's Promise, the maternity home.  We had another team meeting today. The ideas just fly around the table!  It is exciting. We have our official event on June 29 - please be praying for the people who will be attending that they will know "if" they are supposed to have a part and if they are, what part is it!
• We have our first major fund raiser set for November 7 - a clay shoot!  We are VERY excited about this and the possibilities!  We have another fund raiser in the works for October...stay tuned!
• We had another team meeting on the maternity home today and it is crazy the ideas and energy that this team has as things pop around the table in discussion....and then they get it done!!!  They are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!
• I survived my second birthing class this week! Only two more to go and then the real count down begins!
• We are still looking for office space and trying to figure out what that looks like for the agency.  
• I am still trying to juggle being a working mom and a stay at home mom all at the same time..especially during the summer.  But definitely enjoying my kids being around more!

I think that is all them major points!  Lots more posts rolling round in my head..hopefully I can stop and get them down soon!  I need a vacation! :)

Hope's Promise Update

We looked at the $500,000 property yesterday that was a home with an office.  It could work.  It had some definite strikes against it, like the overwhelming stench of animal urine when you walked in the door!  And it was way over priced.  But the prayers of you warriors were answered with another lead of a property that sounds like it would be perfect that our amazing Realtor thought of as she heard us talking about plans for the home.  The property is not for sale right now, but has been in the past.  So she is checking on it for us.  Will you please continue to pray?  Pray that if this is the property God has for us the owner would be willing to consider selling.  From what our Realtor said, it might just be a needed change for the owners as well, so I am praying this would be a perfectly timed blessing for them as well.  It is a property that would most likely allow us to serve 10 plus girls immediately!

The plan would be to purchase this property with the long term goal remaining: to purchase the God Promised land and build a larger facility.  The exciting part about the long term plan is that then the home we are purchasing now (whatever that turns out to be) would be a transition home for the moms who choose to parent and need a place to get on their feet!  We can continue to speak into their lives, teach them about Jesus and teach them to be mommies!  Honestly, that gets me so excited, I can hardly sit still!

Please don't stop praying.  As I have prayed this week, time and again I feel assured by the Holy Spirit that this will happen and will happen quickly.  But I have also been assured that the opposition will come just as fast and just as strong!  The enemy is defeated when we pray and walk in obedience. He is defeated when my friend brings her birthday money from her husband to get her hair colored to my front door to pay for the home instead!  He is defeated when a 12 and 14 year old girl sit two days in the heat selling cold drinks and telling people they want to help other young girls who find themselves in a hard place with no where to go but wanting to chose life for their babies!  He is defeated when girls are told to abort their baby or leave and they have a place to go so they can choose life! So please don't stop praying!  I assure you your prayers are effective!  I have never seen anything like what is happening with this home!  The way people are working together across "church" lines!  Well, I guess maybe I have seen it...when we built the orphanage in Liberia!  But I was just a bystander to the amazing work of Jeremy and Kami!

I will be applying for a grant from a local business that is very generous with community organizations.  They have given organizations in the past more than what it would take for us to just purchase this property (or whatever property God leads us to) right away!  I am believing God for something just as crazy as that!  God is ready to show His glory!  And I know how ever this happens it will be in a way that no man can take credit because it would only be possible by a Might God who works miracles!

Here we go....

In the beginning.....

The reason you have so many blog posts tonight is I can't sleep!  I have spent my time with Jesus to make sure there are no issues to deal with causing my sleeplessness.  I don't want to work...so I'm blogging! But the fact is, 11 years ago right now, I was probably not sleeping either!  But instead of blogging, I was probably looking at photo listings of children in orphanages around the world and crying over each one as I read their circumstances.  Or I was reading posts on African American hair care because we were kicking around the idea of adopting from Haiti - not because we had sought that out, but it was the only thing we thought we could afford.

It was the beginning of a journey so much larger than I could ever have imagined back then!  If you would have told me then what the next 11 years would look like, I would have dropped right then of a hart attack!  It's why God doesn't let us see the future, I am quite certain!

As I have pondered that beginning over the past months, I realized I have never really told that story in my blog.  So here goes!

Around May of 2001, God put adoption on my heart in a way that literally consumed me in a way nothing had before or has since!  I literally could not eat or sleep for the need to learn more about adoption.  Callie was probably neglected (at least in my terms of the attention a 15-18 month old should receive) for that time.  John and I would talk.  I would share with him that I was certain God was asking us to do something, but I didn't know what!  We had talked about adoption almost from the first date, I think.  We both wanted to adopt at some point, but had planned to have our children we wanted biologically first and then adopt, you know, because at the ripe age of 27, I wasn't getting any younger and needed to birth babies while I was still young.  Ha!  God proved what he thought of that! But John was still trying to adjust to having Callie.  He truly didn't know if he ever wanted any more children - adopted or birthed.  God proved what he thought of that, too! :)

John would come home from work and I would be sobbing over photos.  He would look at me trying to understand, but really just thinking I had lost my mind and wondering if the professionals needed to be called in, I am sure!  I remember one conversation when he came home one day for lunch after I had been reading profile after profile of children needing homes.  I said something like how can you look at these faces and not know that we need to adopt?  I don't remember what he said, but my response was, "you mean everyone who looks at these pictures doesn't feel the way I do?" He assured me that he  they did not! I guess that was my first glance into adoption as a calling on my life...I just didn't know it yet!

We would pray about what we should do.  And we would decide we would have another baby then adopt after that.  Great! That's settled!  Then we would go to bed - and I would toss and turn and feel an uneasiness.  Let me interject here that at this point in my spiritual journey I was just beginning to understand that Christianity meant more than just accepting Jesus as Lord and knowing you would go to heaven when you died.  God was taking me on a journey of learning who He is - a journey into the joy of intimate relationship with Him!  A journey I am still taking!  But my ability to "hear" God was almost non-existent at the time.  It was more peace versus unrest that guided me through this process.

Through all the tossing and turning and hours and hours on the internet, I discovered much about adoption that now amazes people.  First of all, the cps system assured me no children under the age of 5 would be available because they hardly ever had cases before they went into school or they were in sibling groups with school aged kids.  So that was out since we had a one year old and were not going to disrupt birth order! And once again God would prove what he thought of that too!  Also, would this be a good time to mention that in my family planning, I would NEVER have a need of a double stroller because all my children would be at least three years apart.  Anything closer would be radically unfair to the children. You can stop laughing now!  

Another fact about adoption at the time is that you had to prove infertility with many adoption agencies to even apply for their adoption programs.  Yes, that was only 11 years ago!  We weren't infertile!  At least we didn't think we were....we hadn't tried!  We just felt a tug that God had a child we needed to find to bring into our family.  Through my calling and researching, God would take me on, in hindsight, an amazing journey of facts and information that perfectly prepared us for Noah!  I literally marvel even 11 years later at how he mapped out those events in those three months.

We had finally settled on adopting from Haiti so that we would start the process January 2002 in order to bring home a baby around the first of the year 2003 (yes, Callie would be three in January...remember - no double strollers, children at least three years apart!).  I had joined a yahoo group (do those even exist anymore?!) for families adopting from Haiti.  I was soaking in all that I could from these families who had walked the journey.  I was so excited.  Looking back, I don't really remember the struggle to get to where we were ok with adopting a black child.  I knew from early on I wanted children from every continent (sorry, I know that is offensive to many adoptive parents...I promise, I mean it with a most sincere heart!), so it really wasn't an issue for me.  We did know it would be a stretch for our families as well as for the very small, very West Texas farming community we lived in.  John was the principal and we were the volunteer youth leaders for a very traditional southern Baptist church. So I really talked to no one, literally not another human being except John about the whole thing....initially!  It was lonely and overwhelming!  That is why I have such a passion for walking with people through the adoption process!  I have not forgotten those early days of gathering information.  I was so tired of people telling me to read their pamphlet or look at their website.  I wanted a voice!  I wanted another human, flesh and blood being to flesh out what I was thinking and answer the questions that raced through my mind almost faster than I could get them out.  

Through the Haitian adoption yahoo group, I met a lady who probably never knew the impact she had on our journey.  She sent me an e-mail one day and said she had read a comment I made about how we were not interested in the typical Caucasian baby girl that so many were seeking since we could have biological children.  (I don't know if this is still true, but then, typically, baby boys waited longer in orphanages than girls because people requested girls almost 2 to 1 over boys).  She asked if we had considered adopting domestically since African American boys in Texas were the hardest to place babies.  Well, we hadn't really thought of it for a lot of reason.  First, we were scared of the horror stories of biological families coming back and gaining custody of children who had been adopted.  Second, we thought international adoptions were safer...go ahead, you say it this time..God proved what He thought of that!  But most importantly, we didn't have any money.  But her comment intrigued me.  I have no idea where she got her information, so don't quote this as gospel, but she told me that at that time, the majority of African American babies in America were being adopted in Canada because white families in America would not adopt them.  I was mortified!  Not that Canadians are bad, but the fact that Americans would not be willing to adopt these babies when so many people were wanting to adopt simply because of their skin color made me furious.  So I started researching domestic agencies.  I printed the list of adoption agencies in Texas to begin my phone calls, and I lost count of the pages that printed!  I was overwhelmed!  But I began a the top and started calling.  I quickly found that most agencies had reduced fees for African American or bi-racial children.  I can't even begin to tell you how even now that makes me angry.  An African American baby's life is just as valuable as any Caucasian!  And if you can process an African American adoption for that fee, you can process that Caucasian adoption for the same fee..stepping down off my soap box!  But even the reduced fees were more than we could possibly afford.  And one other major difference in adoptions then, no one loaned you money or raised money for adoptions!  At least not anyone in any of our circles!  

In all my calling there was one conversation in particular that was an annoyance at the time, but God would use in a mighty way later!  One lady I spoke with at one of the agencies started telling me her personal story.  I don't mean to be rude, but it didn't apply to me!  She had given me the information I needed about her agency, and I already knew for reasons I can't remember that it was not a good fit for us.  I just wanted to get off the phone so I could call the other million agencies on my list to be told to look at the website that I had already looked at and found to be totally useless for the information I was seeking!  But she kept talking.  She told me about the daughter they had adopted from the foster system who had been drug exposed and had withdraws for the first few weeks.  Let me stop here and say, we had our "list"!  And her story was totally irrelevant for three reasons on that list!  One, we weren't going through the foster system because we had been told you couldn't find babies to just adopt and I could never foster or adopt older children (yes, God would prove what He thought of that also....seeing a pattern here?!).  Two, she said drug exposure.  We were not doing drug or alcohol exposure.  Period.  Three, her baby had an unknown father! Nope! Too risky!  But she told me her story anyway, and I did have enough tack to not hang up on her, so I heard her out.  She made a statement that would later be a game changer.  She said, "do not let drugs scare you! If you remove a child from the environment where they were exposed to drugs and intervene, then drug exposure doesn't have to mean life long consequences."  Her daughter was two at the time of our phone conversation.

So back and forth we would continue to go with our "planning".  Still researching domestic adoption, but really not finding any realistic options with fees still being $20K plus even with it reduced for African American programs and many agencies requiring infertility...yet I didn't really have peace about Haiti either..and John still wasn't sure he wanted another baby period!

At some point in my insanity I did share my struggle with a dear friend, Debbie.  She was a widow left to raise 4 children when her husband who had been the pastor of the church there had died of brain cancer.  Her oldest daughter had become and to this day still is like a sister I never had!  They lived in what was once a Church of Christ church, and we live in the parsonage across the "parking lot"...remember I said a very small farming community! She was the only person I knew at that time that I knew wouldn't think I was certifiably in sane for starting a sentence with, "I think God is telling me...."  I'm not saying there were not other people in that community that believed in the power of the Holy Spirit to "speak" into your life, I am just saying I hadn't heard them talk about it! We had already caused some ripples because we played the music with the youth on Wednesday nights really loudly and we played contemporary music...I sure didn't want word to get out that I was hearing voices!  

to be continued.......

I survived!

There are a couple of defining moments in this journey of becoming a pre-mature mimi that I have dreaded since I got what has become known as "the nod that changed my world" (that would be the nod to the 'are you pregnant' question asked).  One of those moments was birthing class.  I don't know why I dreaded them.  I mean regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a life, the birthing of a new baby is one of the most precious and miraculous events on this earth, and being there at the birth of my grand baby will truly be an honor no matter what lays on the other side of the birth.  But the dreading of the birthing class is just one of the myriad of emotions this journey has taken me through that I really can't explain or even understand...something very difficult for a woman who typically is in control of her emotions and knows why she feels how she feels and how she will "fix" the feeling if it needs fixin' (that's the southern way of saying that for those not from around here!).  That has't been the case the last 7 months.  It's different than the hormonal ups and downs of a pregnancy, it's deeper.  The emotions cut to the core and effect my every fiber.  That is one of the things that has made this journey so difficult.

But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive!  No, it doesn't make sense!  Its just a class, I get it!  But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.

Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location.  So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started!  Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!

I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads!  Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?!  The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!

But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while.  And I immediately knew why!   I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general.  I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers!  I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control.  I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children!  It was a good experience!  I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.

So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing!  Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago!  For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half!  Love that lady! :)

But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion!  I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........

ok...I couldn't just leave it there!  I tried!  I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :)  I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it!  So relax Mom!  There are no plans for number 8! :)  But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......