Number five?

This little girl holding the Bible in the picture with me is Sundayma. She is a gorgeous young lady, now. But the first time I saw her was April 2007. She was a beautiful little girl! Something about her made her stand out in my mind from all the other children! I was told she was the middle sister of a sibling group of three, but I was told a lot of the children were siblings that ended up not being related at all! By the time they have been in a children's home for three years, every one is brother and sister!



She was one of the ones that haunted me when I came back...not necesarily in a bad way, but definitly one that stuck in my mind! I made the comment to John that if she ever became available for adoption, we would have to consider her. Why do I say silly things like that?? You know from my previous posts my feelings/fears about older child adoptions. I LOVE babies! I want to bring my babies home as babies...not 11 year olds!



When I went to Liberia this trip, I took three Bibles and necklaces. There were three children that God had placed heavy on my heart to disciple. Sundayma was one of them. I will share the other two with you later. I gave her the Bible and asked if she could read. She said no, so I told her that she could find someone who could and let them read to her. I wrote in the front of the Bible that even though she was not my daughter in my home, that God had placed a special love for her in my heart, and she is a daughter of my heart. I went on to tell her how precious she is in His sight and that each time I returned, I wanted to visit with her about what she had learned from the Bible! She was very shy, but I finally got a grin out of her. When I went to Liberia in January to get Toben, she clung to me the whole trip! She kept begging me to take her to America with me. She wanted to be mine. I cried with her and told her that just because she was not going to America didn't make her any less wonderful! That is one thing I have always hated about having adoptable and non-adoptable children in the same home.

This is her in January 2008 when we went to get Toben

So this time, I wanted to make sure she knew she was extra special to me...even if I couldn't bring her to America. I gave her a necklace with a cross cut out of a circle with the words "live the word" inscripted on it. I told her that anytime she was scared or just needed some extra help that she could touch that necklace and the Holy Spirit would bring her to my mind and I would pray for her. That sounds kind of "new ageish", I know, but I felt like it would bring some comfort, and I trust that the Holy Spirit will bring her to mind when I need to pray for her!



While I was there this time, I found out that she is the younger sister of one of the young men who lived at a church compound and is sponsored in a way by one of our adoptive families (a very good friend of mine!). He was at the home one day with us and told us he was her brother.



Fast forward two weeks. I get an e-mail from him a couple of days ago telling me that he has spoken to their father, and he wants Sundayma to be adopted! What?! For real?! Oh my goodness!!!!! Now this immediatly brings me to a panic! First, I want a baby, not an 11 year old! Second, this would disrupt birth order knocking Callie out of oldest which I have always said I would never do! Third, what would I do with an 11 year old girl who can't read??? I can't home school and run the agency (I know some of you do that, but you are way better than me! I just am not organized or energetic enough to do that!). Fourth, what would I do with an 11 year old who thinks she wants to come to America, but longs for the country she leaves behind?! She has been in the children's home for over four years. Will she really know how to be a part of a family. I know she will learn...and really all of this is just my personal fears coming forward!



I told John she might be coming available for adoption. He says, "Well, I guess we will have to pray about it." WHAT???!!! He is supposed to say, "NO! We are done, I am not having any more children, and we can't afford it, and we can't handle it, and......" Then it is his fault that we are not following God! But he says we will have to pray about it!



So I did! This morning during my quiet time, I laid it all out before God! I finally told Him that I know my life is not my own! That is he desired for this precious girl to be in our family, then I am totally open to that. Do I have fears still? Yes! Do I wonder if I am a selfless enough parent to be mommy to an older adopted child from a totally different culture? Yes! I haven't shared all my story of Toben with you...I will, I promise! But bonding to adopted children does not come easy for me! And the older they are, the harder it is! Maybe it is just a huge fault of mine, but it is just hard for me! I get there eventually! But the beginning is hard. I can't imagine what it would be like with an older girl....hormones...oh my! Plus could Callie handle sharing her room? She has always been one that loves to be in her room alone and play for hours by herself! Could she handle not having that alone time all the time? Could she handle having a sister who gets to drive before her?



So many questions! Time will tell what God's will is! I just know that I have to be open to whatever it is...even if it means bringing home an 11 year old girl! He will make known His path for me....so I will wait and listen! Pray for us if we come to mind! She is not available yet, so we have some time, but I don't want to miss God's will! I have learned more than ever over the past two months that being in the center of God's will brings peace amongst even the roughest of storms....and being outside God's will brings storms among the most peaceful of times!