knowing = loving = believe & trust = obedience = abundant life
I love that equation! I can't say that I have always loved that equation, but the closer I get to the end of it, the more I love it!
Let me explain!
I am still in the Experiencing God study. As you can tell from my last post, this has been a bit of a dry season...as bit of rebellion maybe, or maybe not so sever as rebellion as much as doubting God. Not fully trusting in Who He is or what He knows!
This may turn into a multi part post as so many things are swimming in my head and blogging just helps me sort it all out...so thanks for enduring my rants! :)
I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 10 years old. So I have known of Him for 25 years (i just had a birthday.....35! Can't believe it!). But my history, the way I was introduced to Jesus is very legalistic. You accept Christ, you better walk the straight line or He will zap you! That was pretty much my theology! Kept me out of a lot of trouble because on some level I truly believed a lightning bolt would come down from heaven and zap me!
As I went to college, I began seeking Him more. I knew I was missing something, but didn't go to any Bible studies or churches that really helped me understand what I was missing. I didn't fully understand the purpose/power of the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me, so I was searching but not really finding the answers. Enter my precious John!
John and his family were as far charismatic as my family was traditional. Made for some interesting first conversations! More on that maybe later! But this is when I understood that what I was missing from God was relationship! God didn't just want my obedience, He first wanted my heart...He wanted me to KNOW him!
So I began to study. God would move us to a church that at least allowed me to clap in response to my worship with Him. And frankly, that is about all I could handle then. I walked out of the first church service John took me to at his church! He was playing the piano, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, I will be in the parking lot when you are done! I would have left, but he had the car keys, and I had left my car at his house. He had said if I couldn't go to his church we were not going to date....I thought we were through because I was NOT going to that church! That is a post for another time too!
I digress! Then God would move us to a little farming town in the middle of the Texas panhandle. He would place us in the middle of legalism in a small, country, ALL Baptist church (had an interim pastor do an acrostic of "Baptist" one time and follow it by telling our youth that God did not want them to marry anyone who was not Baptist! Yes, I set them straight! Just told them that no where in my Bible did it say that! I was often seen as a rebel there...hmmmm...some things never change!) God would remove really all teaching from me. He would place John and I as the lei (SP?) youth leaders of that church. This is where God became my best friend. Our marriage stunk, our church was just about everything I was trying to run from, I was learning just how many "issues" I had from the way I was raised (I had a wonderful family! But I am learning that all people will have issues as they are raised by human parents who have their own issues...I am already saving for my children's therapy needs!!! ha!). The only place I had to turn was God! He took me away from everything. Why? So that I would get to know Him! Right before we left Odessa, I did a Beth Moore Bible study. I fell in love with her love for God. I saw something I wanted! Her style of Bible study fit me. So I called some bigger churches in surrounding towns and found some Beth Moore studies and started leading Bible studies for women at our church. I really stink at that! It is not my gifting! However, I needed them, so I led them so we would have them! God became real to me! He is who I ran to when I was hurt, He was who I ran to when I was lonely, He was who I ran to when I was excited. I KNEW Him! On a fairly surface level, but I knew Him! I began to understand, to know His voice! I used to tell my youth there this analogy: when John first started calling me, he would have to say, "Hi! This is John!" But after several months of dating, and then being married, he no longer had to say that when he called me. I recognized his voice. God is the same way! He has always spoken, but I didn't recognize His voice! Now, I do....at least most times...that is still one of my biggest struggles!
As I got to know Him, I fell deeply in love with Him! That brought the desire to obey...no longer because lighting was going to fall from heaven, but now because I loved Him! Just like a child wanting to please a parent, I wanted to please my heavenly Father! I wanted to hear, "Well done!" But I hit a wall. My first huge faith step after this new revelation was adopting Noah. That went great! No negatives! All positives! All the outcomes were more than I could ever hope or imagine! So I believed God more and trusted Him more! This made me want to obey more.
By January 2003, I had hit a wall. I was so dry. I needed more than what that little farming town had to offer! My marriage was still draining me, now I had two kids that I was trying to raise and felt like a total failure, I felt more like an alien than I had ever felt. My prayer became, "God take me from this place, or take me from this earth!" God answered that prayer and moved us back to West Texas.
I will have to continue later as I have to get to work...and there is a small voice coming from a room saying, "Mooooommmmmaaaa!" :) I love that!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Ever been the example in a sermon?
Up until this morning, I could say no to that question! Right after I sat down in my seat this morning at church, one of the few people we know well enough that she knows our name, came over and said, "You know you are in the sermon today, right?" What? I had to have her repeat what she said, and replied, "NO!". Then I asked John if we should leave?!
After an awesome worship time, the sermon began. I prayed that God would allow me to focus and not be thinking ahead to how it applied to me or how I would come up! God answered my prayer!
The name of the sermon was "Redemption Road". Titus 2:11-14 was the text. Listen to this: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem [emphasis mine] us".
Here we go! I took last week off from the agency. I haven't had more than a day off since our first kids came home April 2007. I am always checking e-mail, making phone calls or doing paper work. There is always more to do than can get done, and working from home, there seem to be no boundaries for work or home! I thought after a week off, I would be raring to go! Ready to conquer it all. But instead, I have found myself dreading Monday. I love what God has allowed me to do. I love being part of connecting adoptive families with children, and I love being able to walk with adoptive families through the journey of adoption. Really, that is one of my favorite parts of what I do (most of the time anyway!). But lately, I have just been discouraged. I seem to hit brick wall after brick wall. I know God will be victorious, I just don't know what that will mean. I am positive God has assured me these children are coming home. And when I start fearing adoptions in Liberia will stop, He reminds me that we looked at land, bought land, got a deed, broke ground, and completed a foundation in one weeks time on a 100 bed orphanage! In case you aren't aware, that is a miraculous for any kind of work in Africa! He reminds me that He wouldn't have done that if he was planning to shut our doors in Liberia. And adoptions is how we will fund the operations of that orphanage and school.
But I have talked to government officials until I am blue in the face. In January we were delayed for half a week and spent thousands of dollars to change our flights because our visas were held because we were doing our adoptions via private adoptions. Now, the same man that held our visas for this is on a committee that is encouraging it! What?! In less than a year what made you hold up 9 children and right a totally false article about me is now your preference? And add to that, what they are "encouraging" is the farthest thing from the protection of Liberian children you can get!
Ok, I digress! My point is, I am tired of marching around the wall! I swore God said "SHOUT!" and the wall would come down. But then He told me to stop the shouting....at least one way I thought we would shout to fight this. And yes, we seem to have removed a brick from the wall and some things shook loose, but I am not naive enough to think this will mean adoptions will be moving again.
Our personal finances haven't improved any. With that fact, and the battle of the government, I would be telling a lie if I didn't say I have thought of quitting again. Not because God said to, but because I wanted to! Because I saw a now hiring sign for a local convenience store and realized I could make $8,000 more a year being the manager there than I do now (and that isn't saying a whole lot!). If I went back to teaching for just one year, I would more than double my salary, and we could pay off debt!
I was still doing my quite times. I was still seeking God every morning, but even in that, the world was seeping in! The ways of the world...the ones that say my success is measured by what kind of clothes I and my children wear, how clean my house is, how big my house is, what kind of car I drive, how many social events I have (this would be a good time to mention that we did not go to even ONE holiday party.....we have no friends!) began dictating how I saw myself and how I wanted my future to be shaped. I looked at those around me...friends who are divorced because being in a marriage that had problems similar to mine was just too much, a family member who lives with her fiance and is now planning her honeymoon to Paris and will pay more per day to board their two dogs with a tv than it would cost to feed one of our orphans for a whole month! These are all Christian people....not people who are supposedly of the world! I look at them and wonder why does it work for them? Why can I not take that path?
But you see, there is a big problem with that for people like me. People who call themselves "Christian" and mean it! Saying I follow Christ means that I have given myself to him.....all of myself! There is nothing left that is mine! I have no rights, no plans, no future except that which He has for me! I am his bond servant. Why? Because God sent His son to die for me! He
redeemed me!
And that is why I can't quit. That is why I have to press on! You see, He redeemed me. Therefore, my life can't be measured by the world's standards, but by His! I must deny ungodliness, worldly desires. I must live sensibly, righteously and godly in this present age! (Titus 2) Did you get that? This present age. We are not to accept Jesus then wait to get to heaven to live with Him! We are to do it now! And that means evaluating my life to make sure it aligns with God's ways and not the worlds!
And as our Pastor reminded us this morning, that will cost us everything! It will cost us our money, our time, our emotions, and for some even our earthly lives.....but really they are not ours anyway! They are HIS!
He used John and my work in Liberia as an example of someone who didn't rationalize our way out of God's calling. He said we could just take care of our family and do it well, but instead, we understand that we are redeemed and in return continue to follow God in faith and obedience so that He can work through us to redeem the people of Liberia, one child at a time!
I sat with tears streaming down my face as he spoke! He may see that in us, but I know that I walked into church that morning wanting to do nothing more than run! But God used my own work to remind me why I am doing it! He redeemed me! I have no other choice! I owe Him EVERYTHING! If He wants me to teach and earn more, that is where He would have put me. But he didn't! He put me right here...in a ministry that struggles from month to month just to meet the needs of the people we serve, yet God is always faithful!
There is a reason the walls have not fallen down yet. Do I understand that? No! Does it make me weary? Yes! But in my weakness, He is strong! So I will go to work in the morning, I will fight that battle until all the children God calls us to help are home! I will continue to fight for victory over personal battles that I want to run from! I have to! I owe it to my Savior!
After an awesome worship time, the sermon began. I prayed that God would allow me to focus and not be thinking ahead to how it applied to me or how I would come up! God answered my prayer!
The name of the sermon was "Redemption Road". Titus 2:11-14 was the text. Listen to this: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem [emphasis mine] us".
Here we go! I took last week off from the agency. I haven't had more than a day off since our first kids came home April 2007. I am always checking e-mail, making phone calls or doing paper work. There is always more to do than can get done, and working from home, there seem to be no boundaries for work or home! I thought after a week off, I would be raring to go! Ready to conquer it all. But instead, I have found myself dreading Monday. I love what God has allowed me to do. I love being part of connecting adoptive families with children, and I love being able to walk with adoptive families through the journey of adoption. Really, that is one of my favorite parts of what I do (most of the time anyway!). But lately, I have just been discouraged. I seem to hit brick wall after brick wall. I know God will be victorious, I just don't know what that will mean. I am positive God has assured me these children are coming home. And when I start fearing adoptions in Liberia will stop, He reminds me that we looked at land, bought land, got a deed, broke ground, and completed a foundation in one weeks time on a 100 bed orphanage! In case you aren't aware, that is a miraculous for any kind of work in Africa! He reminds me that He wouldn't have done that if he was planning to shut our doors in Liberia. And adoptions is how we will fund the operations of that orphanage and school.
But I have talked to government officials until I am blue in the face. In January we were delayed for half a week and spent thousands of dollars to change our flights because our visas were held because we were doing our adoptions via private adoptions. Now, the same man that held our visas for this is on a committee that is encouraging it! What?! In less than a year what made you hold up 9 children and right a totally false article about me is now your preference? And add to that, what they are "encouraging" is the farthest thing from the protection of Liberian children you can get!
Ok, I digress! My point is, I am tired of marching around the wall! I swore God said "SHOUT!" and the wall would come down. But then He told me to stop the shouting....at least one way I thought we would shout to fight this. And yes, we seem to have removed a brick from the wall and some things shook loose, but I am not naive enough to think this will mean adoptions will be moving again.
Our personal finances haven't improved any. With that fact, and the battle of the government, I would be telling a lie if I didn't say I have thought of quitting again. Not because God said to, but because I wanted to! Because I saw a now hiring sign for a local convenience store and realized I could make $8,000 more a year being the manager there than I do now (and that isn't saying a whole lot!). If I went back to teaching for just one year, I would more than double my salary, and we could pay off debt!
I was still doing my quite times. I was still seeking God every morning, but even in that, the world was seeping in! The ways of the world...the ones that say my success is measured by what kind of clothes I and my children wear, how clean my house is, how big my house is, what kind of car I drive, how many social events I have (this would be a good time to mention that we did not go to even ONE holiday party.....we have no friends!) began dictating how I saw myself and how I wanted my future to be shaped. I looked at those around me...friends who are divorced because being in a marriage that had problems similar to mine was just too much, a family member who lives with her fiance and is now planning her honeymoon to Paris and will pay more per day to board their two dogs with a tv than it would cost to feed one of our orphans for a whole month! These are all Christian people....not people who are supposedly of the world! I look at them and wonder why does it work for them? Why can I not take that path?
But you see, there is a big problem with that for people like me. People who call themselves "Christian" and mean it! Saying I follow Christ means that I have given myself to him.....all of myself! There is nothing left that is mine! I have no rights, no plans, no future except that which He has for me! I am his bond servant. Why? Because God sent His son to die for me! He
redeemed me!
And that is why I can't quit. That is why I have to press on! You see, He redeemed me. Therefore, my life can't be measured by the world's standards, but by His! I must deny ungodliness, worldly desires. I must live sensibly, righteously and godly in this present age! (Titus 2) Did you get that? This present age. We are not to accept Jesus then wait to get to heaven to live with Him! We are to do it now! And that means evaluating my life to make sure it aligns with God's ways and not the worlds!
And as our Pastor reminded us this morning, that will cost us everything! It will cost us our money, our time, our emotions, and for some even our earthly lives.....but really they are not ours anyway! They are HIS!
He used John and my work in Liberia as an example of someone who didn't rationalize our way out of God's calling. He said we could just take care of our family and do it well, but instead, we understand that we are redeemed and in return continue to follow God in faith and obedience so that He can work through us to redeem the people of Liberia, one child at a time!
I sat with tears streaming down my face as he spoke! He may see that in us, but I know that I walked into church that morning wanting to do nothing more than run! But God used my own work to remind me why I am doing it! He redeemed me! I have no other choice! I owe Him EVERYTHING! If He wants me to teach and earn more, that is where He would have put me. But he didn't! He put me right here...in a ministry that struggles from month to month just to meet the needs of the people we serve, yet God is always faithful!
There is a reason the walls have not fallen down yet. Do I understand that? No! Does it make me weary? Yes! But in my weakness, He is strong! So I will go to work in the morning, I will fight that battle until all the children God calls us to help are home! I will continue to fight for victory over personal battles that I want to run from! I have to! I owe it to my Savior!
Operation Petree Potty Training Report
Operation Petree Potty Training has been reported to be a failure. After three days of attempting to conquer the diapers, it was determined that Private Ava had no idea when she was headed into enemy territory! While she loves to "pee-pee-tee-tee" in the potty and get a piece of chocolate for her efforts, it appears she hasn't mastered "the sensation" yet. So we canceled all efforts for potty training for now. We will try again in a few months, or sooner if she shows more interest!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Potty Training Score
Yesterday resulted in one accident....Daddy was the one home, so that was the end of big girl panties! :) Haven't convinced him he is really part of this potty training thing yet! Tried to explain the confusion of putting pull ups back on her, but I think I am on my own here! Today is a new day... so when we change out of our pj's back to big girl panties!
He's official!
We got the papers in the mail yesteray! Toben is officially ours in Texas! Liberia gives a full and final adoption decree, so he was already legally ours. But in Texas, you have to do a recognition of the Liberian court decree so you can file for birth certificates, social security, etc.
It is anti-climactic, really. We didn't even have to go to court...just sign some papers, but it feels good to have the legal stuff done so he can just be Toben Petree now! Plus we got his birthdate changed to what the x-rays (and our instincts) say he is....which means he will turn four next month! He can't wait! Has no clue what being four means, but knows that birthday means presents and cake! He hasn't caught on to Christmas yet, but he can't wait for his birthday! Oh how that will change, huh?! I kind of like his innocence! We sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" a lot around here!! He announces every time he hears the word "birthday" that he will have a Power Ranger birthday!
He has been a joy! Really, we are so blessed! As I look back over the last year and all that has happened, Toben has been a real champ! I have traveled to Liberia twice in his first year home, that would be a HUGE no-no in adoption world terms. But I serve a God that is bigger than adoption psycho babble, and he has done perfect....because you see, God knew that Toben would come to a home with a mommy that would travel internationally when He made him! So he made him with the ability to handle that! I just love that God is a God of details!
As we told him, you are now official, no sending you back! :) He just laughed! He has a great laugh!
Thank you God for my second son! Thank you that he is home this Christmas. God, you know my heart. And everytime I see my son, I see the faces of the children not home. So while I rejoice at my son being home, I ask that you bring the other sons and daughters home too! Thank you for families who haven't give up. Thank you for workers that love our children until they get to us! Thank you for sending your son....we can't wait to get our kids out of Africa and into America, yet you knowingly sent your son from heaven to earth just because of your love for us! A love I can only fathom! Thank you! What a privilege to call you Daddy!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Let the fun begin!
Little Miss Ava is 2 and a half. So I figure it is time to start potty training. Really, she has been ready for a few months, but mommy has not! I HATE potty training. But that is not the only reason.....it is just one more sign that my baby is growing up! I hate it! But of course, I know that is how God designed it and I try to keep my whining to a minimum.
I have been putting it off, saying that I would do it over Christmas...well, its here! The kids are out, John is off, so all my excuses are gone! As I type, my baby is in big girl panties! I have the timer set on the microwave for 30 minutes so that I will remember to take her to the potty. Othewise, I will totally forget until someone yells, "MOM! AVA PEED IN THE FLOOR!"
So if you have any potty tips, let me know! We are getting serious about this! The one bright side of potty training is the raise when we don't have to buy diapers anymore! :)
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Character
This is one of those mornings where God has caused me to really look deep. To wrestle with what I know to be true and what I believe God has called me to or asked me to do.
I have said many times that the problem with Romans 5:3-5 (we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope) is that you have to want character! I want the hope at the end, but that character part in the middle just sometimes seems way overrated for what I have to "persevere" to get to it. You see, out world doesn't value character! They value results and possessions! Do most business men make decisions based on character or on the bottom dollar? Do most adoption agencies make decision based on character or on getting child home with a 'the ends justifies the means' mentality? Even me, as a Christian, when God calls me to an assignment, do I focus on the character it is bringing or the final goal? Well, I have to say the final goal! I want that "aha" moment that will bring the warm fuzzies of knowing God fulfilled his promise! The satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled God's call in that assignment!
I know that the journey is more important than the outcome. You have heard me talk about head knowledge versus heart knowledge before. But I would have to say that truth is still head knowledge. I haven't fully embraced it! Because I still find myself focused on the end and not the character being built or the journey to get there. I want the straight line from God's call to the fulfilment. But God's way is the winding path that takes me from glory to glory as He builds my character all along the path!
How does that apply right now? Well, you all know that God has laid a baby on my heart! I want to adopt right now a little baby African American girl more than anything. I know that is a desire from God, He has made clear that is a direction He has given me. I know that with out a doubt. However, the part that I think I have been ignoring is the winding path to get to that little girl! He called me to it, so let's find her, adopt her and get to the end! But God is saying, "I am calling you to bring child number 5 home. So let's start that path. I need you to move closer to me. I need you to be more organized and more responsible with your finances. This character will be necessary for you to be the mother of five children, the wife to your husband and the director of an adoption agency in a way that will bring me glory. I demand excellence. With out these character traits, bringing another child in will be just more chaos, and I am not a God of chaos and do not want you representing me to the world as you walk in faith as chaos." OUCH! But oh so true! I hear the direction and I want to jump to the end! I have always had that issue! But I see now where God has me on a journey! He has planted a seek and is asking me to surrender in every are to Him so that He can grow character in me as He brings about the fulfillment of what He has planted in me.
Man, that is so easy to write! So easy to "understand" but oh so difficult to put into practice. But as of this morning, no more whining! I have already noticed that God is giving me motivation to do things towards organization that have stalled me in times past. And even as I type this, He has reminded me that currently I need more room on my lap....I have two "babies" that might possibly need a little more "character" themselves before I add number five. As I was typing this paragraph with Ava on my lap, Toben walks up and pats my leg. Ava moves over to one leg and Toben climbs up on the now empty one. Just a little reminder from God that while I wait, He has already blessed me with a full lap and two little ones to type around and peak in between their heads at the computer screen!
I have to give my sweet husband credit where credit is due! I took my lesson this morning to him and he graciously walked me through it allowing God to use him to show me these points! Thank you John, and thank you God, for John!
I have said many times that the problem with Romans 5:3-5 (we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope) is that you have to want character! I want the hope at the end, but that character part in the middle just sometimes seems way overrated for what I have to "persevere" to get to it. You see, out world doesn't value character! They value results and possessions! Do most business men make decisions based on character or on the bottom dollar? Do most adoption agencies make decision based on character or on getting child home with a 'the ends justifies the means' mentality? Even me, as a Christian, when God calls me to an assignment, do I focus on the character it is bringing or the final goal? Well, I have to say the final goal! I want that "aha" moment that will bring the warm fuzzies of knowing God fulfilled his promise! The satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled God's call in that assignment!
I know that the journey is more important than the outcome. You have heard me talk about head knowledge versus heart knowledge before. But I would have to say that truth is still head knowledge. I haven't fully embraced it! Because I still find myself focused on the end and not the character being built or the journey to get there. I want the straight line from God's call to the fulfilment. But God's way is the winding path that takes me from glory to glory as He builds my character all along the path!
How does that apply right now? Well, you all know that God has laid a baby on my heart! I want to adopt right now a little baby African American girl more than anything. I know that is a desire from God, He has made clear that is a direction He has given me. I know that with out a doubt. However, the part that I think I have been ignoring is the winding path to get to that little girl! He called me to it, so let's find her, adopt her and get to the end! But God is saying, "I am calling you to bring child number 5 home. So let's start that path. I need you to move closer to me. I need you to be more organized and more responsible with your finances. This character will be necessary for you to be the mother of five children, the wife to your husband and the director of an adoption agency in a way that will bring me glory. I demand excellence. With out these character traits, bringing another child in will be just more chaos, and I am not a God of chaos and do not want you representing me to the world as you walk in faith as chaos." OUCH! But oh so true! I hear the direction and I want to jump to the end! I have always had that issue! But I see now where God has me on a journey! He has planted a seek and is asking me to surrender in every are to Him so that He can grow character in me as He brings about the fulfillment of what He has planted in me.
Man, that is so easy to write! So easy to "understand" but oh so difficult to put into practice. But as of this morning, no more whining! I have already noticed that God is giving me motivation to do things towards organization that have stalled me in times past. And even as I type this, He has reminded me that currently I need more room on my lap....I have two "babies" that might possibly need a little more "character" themselves before I add number five. As I was typing this paragraph with Ava on my lap, Toben walks up and pats my leg. Ava moves over to one leg and Toben climbs up on the now empty one. Just a little reminder from God that while I wait, He has already blessed me with a full lap and two little ones to type around and peak in between their heads at the computer screen!
I have to give my sweet husband credit where credit is due! I took my lesson this morning to him and he graciously walked me through it allowing God to use him to show me these points! Thank you John, and thank you God, for John!
Friday, December 12, 2008
A tormented mind
It is 1:00 am. I am over the jet lag, but no where near over the injustices I witness on so many levels when in Liberia.
Callie came in over an hour ago to tell me Bella was scratching on her door. Bella is outside now, but I can't go back to sleep. My mind will not stop. When Callie came in, she woke me from a dream. The second dream since returning home that keeps me fighting for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Math 26:41).
The dreams: The first one was Tuesday night. I went to bed ready to just "wait". Not using it as an excuse to quit, just not sure where to turn. Wait on a particular issue. In the early morning hours, I had a dream. Amos and I were in a valley, no, really more like a pit in the earth. We were rolling around in a large tube that reminded me of the stuff those inflatable jumpers are made from. We were rolling from village to village gathering children. When we would have the children, we would roll to our headquarters where we would take the children and put them in the ceiling through ceiling tiles. Someone was taking the children from us in the ceiling and making sure they were safe once there. Then we would get in the tube and roll to the next village. On and on it went all the while an army surrounded the top of the pit. They were firing arrows at us. At first the tube kept us hidden. But by the end of the dream, it didn't hide us, it just protected us from the arrows. I woke from that dream and came to my Bible study chair and wrote it all down and pleaded with God for understanding, wisdom and the strength to fight. I went back to sleep knowing that "wait" was not what God intended for this time!
Tonight, the dream is similar. Only this time it is not just children. It is all of Liberia that is uneducated and discriminated against because they have no voice. Proverbs 29:7 is the verse God has given Addy's Hope for this time: "The godly care about the rights of the poor." I started the press conference with this scripture. In my dream, I am begging two officials to hear my plan to bring US teachers to Liberia to train Liberian teachers. I am asking them to help me set up the mentor program. But they are not listening because another program that is full of empty promises is taking them away from me. No matter how much I scream or what I tell them, they will not listen....they keep blowing me off. The dream changes. I am standing in a hall way watching a parade of people dressed in the finest clothes with jewelry dangling from them laughing and shouting how wonderfully successful they have been in gathering gifts for the people of Liberia. They are pulling wagons that have ornately decorated boxes with their video games and fine clothing spilling from them. I am standing on the side line watching in disbelief as I wonder how they think the people of Liberia will benefit from such items! The parade I am watching is made up of people from my old church.
Since returning from Liberia, the battle of flesh and spirit with in myself is so strong! "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life." I see a country where corrupt officials, greed, fear of being displaced keeps a people group down. I hear words that would appear to mean that the Ministry in charge of the welfare of the children of Liberia would prefer death to adoption! That makes me want to stand up and fight, to give life!
But then I return home. I see the four children who call me mommy on a daily basis. I desire to be all I need to be for them. I fear they are not getting all they need from me because they share me with 19 families and 57 little Liberian children. I see a house that is a wreck because I don't have time to keep it the way my husband desires. He has been so patient these past few months, but I know he and my children are my first ministry. So as I see this, I want to quit again. I want to put all of Liberia out of my mind and be American through and through. I want to get lost in all the traditions and hype of Christmas...still focusing on Christ, but getting totally lost in the "feelings" of Christmas. I want to adopt that baby that God has placed on my heart, yet with the demands of an agency, I can't imagine adding a baby right now. Add midnight feedings to my already sleepless nights and no drugs made will be enough to keep me functioning during the day to answer parents' phone calls and e-mails! But if I quit the fight, if I waived my red flag, I could spend my days rocking a baby, reading books to Ava, playing football with Toben, riding bikes with Noah, cooking with Callie and snuggling with my husband. I could be the stay home mom that I know God called me to be in my first years of mothering. I still believe strongly in being a stay at home mom! That is why my children will not go to daycare even though this has turned into a 40 hour + a week job!
Then there is the financial struggle. More and more I hear the voice in my head saying, "Well, if you are going to be working full time anyway, you might as well go back to teaching. Just think of what you could do with all the money you would make from teaching! Your debt could be paid off in less than a year!" Yes, that is the voice of the enemy. But it is so tempting! Worldy? YES! Flesh? YES! But remember, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!
But to do all that would mean I forget Moses, the community leader who nearly jumped up and down with excitement that a school was going up in his community. It would mean forgetting one of our Nannies that came to us. There was a man paying her son's tuition, but because another "Pastor" told him to stop, he did. So now her son can't go to school. Do you know how much his tuition is? $35 US! I paid more than that for stamps for Christmas cards yesterday! On judgement day which will be straw and which will stand the fire? It won't be the Christmas cards! Done! John in Liberia will go to school! John and I will see to that! But he is just one of thousands upon thousands!
The two week old baby that was brought to the Ministry of Health right before we met with the deputy minister...turned away without assistance! Yet we can't find a home for her because they want to tie our hands! Really?! Adoption is worse than starvation? How can that be?
I attended one of the adoption awareness meetings that the President's Committee on Adoption sponsored while I was there. It was a joke! It was not an awareness meeting, it was an adoption bashing opportunity! The presenter said the Liberian government is not against adoption, but then proceeded to tell only the negative sides of adoption. When she was finished spewing her venom, she said, "Now I will take three and only three questions from the audience." What? I thought this was an informational meeting! I guess it was really just a platform for her to give her personal opinion on adoption. All the while the adoption service provider's rep sitting on that committee sat there and said nothing! A lot of good he is doing! (He is NOT form our agency by the way!) Even the people around me (Liberians...I was the only white person in the place except for the presenters' personal assistant that was with her!) said, "Adoption is a crucial issue, this should not be rushed!" All the comments from the audience were positive! Yet, I would bet my life that if a report is given to President Sirleaf on that meeting, it would be told the community where it was held is against adoption. President Sirleaf has labeled corruption as "Public Enemy Number One". When you see a public enemy, arne't you supposed to report it?! But who do I report the sighting to? No one seems to listen. I have a letter from the President's office dated Feb 8, 2008 stating that she will personally see that Minister Gwenigale and his ministry work with us according to Liberian law. Almost a year later that has not happened. So if you can't report even to the highest power, what hope is there for ending corruption?
And remember, this is the government that we, the US tax payers, are sending MILLIONS of dollars! For real?! Give me a million dollars and lets see what Liberia looks like when I get done! It may not have fancy government buildings, but I bet every county would have a school with trained teachers and curriculum that will make learning in a structured progression! That is what will change Liberia for tomorrow: EDUCATION! Then these officials cannot run over people because of fear and ignorance!
So what can I do? Well, I am not sure. That is what has been rolling around in my head for the past hour. A letter to the Mansion has been composed but not sent. Contacts are in the works with my local representative to find out who is handling the money for the Liberian SEED bill (maybe law by now, not sure). And I can ask you who are reading this to join the fight. Contact your congressman and ask the same thing. Require accountability for this kind of money being sent over seas. In a time where they say we are in a recession, wouldn't money like this be better off in our own land if it is only going to pad the pockets of officials in the foreign country? You will find no one with a bigger heart for the people of Liberia, but the PEOPLE of Liberia are not getting this money!
It became a big joke as we drove around. I was traveling in a 1980 something blue hatchback car with no ac and a window crank that fell off many times in my hand....and riding in it proudly, I might add! We would pull up beside US AID cars, brand spanking new SUV's with tinted windows and AC. US AID is the number one distributor of the money the US govn't is sending over there. Even one the other adoption agencies had the same issue. When on one of the compounds, I counted SEVEN new cars! All SUVS and trucks, except for the Mercedes sitting there! But we drove proudly on to that compound in Ol' Blue! If you ever see an Addy's Hope car that is new, it will have a big "donated by" sign on it! My Liberia staff knows money like that will not be spent on cars...it will go to more beds or a refrigerator or bigger generator...something that will serve the CHILDREN!
Yet, we are the agency being discriminated against. I would venture to say we have processed the least amount of adoptions but done the largest amount of humanitarian work percentage wise. I am not tooting my horn, that is just what God has called us to do....however, it is frustrating when we are not then allowed to help more! We have offered to care for unadoptable children that the Ministry needs to place temporarily. We just want to help!
We spoke with another official at the Ministry of Health who understands! She sees children and mothers constantly that need help. She understands that the government does not have the resources to help, and until they do, adoption is one option to keep the children alive and educated..basic human rights! She shared story after story, even showing us pictures of some success stories thanks to donations of formula by some NGO's. So before I left, I took her a box of formula. Babies should at the very least have food! Mothers who have no milk and no friend who have milk have no options. Formula there is $10 US for a can that would last about two days for a new born. Remember, the average Liberian salary is $150 a year! You do the math!
After the very discouraging adoption "awareness" meeting, Amos, Pastor Paul and I went to eat and debrief. We were all fired up....after I had a good cry! Amos hates it when I cry, so I try to keep to a minimum.....I hate it when I cry too, but sometimes I just can't help it! Anyway, we were talking about the concept of adoption. I have to confess that on this trip, I really struggled with it. Are we doing the right thing? Should we just be fund raising and trying to keep children in families? There is an awesome organization doing that right now in Liberia and they are making an impact with orphanages and are working closely with the Ministry of Health. Praise God! It is Orphan Rescue and Relief (I think that is the right name, I will look it up and put their link somewhere later). But God through many people showed me how adoption is our calling...not all of our calling, but part of it. For whatever reason, He needs some children to be adopted. Is that the total answer, NO! But it is one of the many answers. As we talked about it, I brought up that adoption is God's design. For whatever reason, he has created adoption. He adopts us. There are many stories in the Bible of children who are adopted...I mentioned Moses. Then Amos made a profound statement! He said, "Yes! And Moses redeemed his people!" Wow! I wrote it down! 'Moses, the adopted son and by God's design , redeemed the people of his birth!' That is what I fully believe many of the children adopted by Addy's Hope will do! They will return to Liberia or they will send their resources there in order to redeem Liberia and the suppressed people of that country! Pastor Paul says he is going to have a billboard made with that quote on it to promote adoption! Go Pastor Paul!
Thank you for listening. Hopefully, now that it is off my chest, I can go to sleep!
Callie came in over an hour ago to tell me Bella was scratching on her door. Bella is outside now, but I can't go back to sleep. My mind will not stop. When Callie came in, she woke me from a dream. The second dream since returning home that keeps me fighting for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Math 26:41).
The dreams: The first one was Tuesday night. I went to bed ready to just "wait". Not using it as an excuse to quit, just not sure where to turn. Wait on a particular issue. In the early morning hours, I had a dream. Amos and I were in a valley, no, really more like a pit in the earth. We were rolling around in a large tube that reminded me of the stuff those inflatable jumpers are made from. We were rolling from village to village gathering children. When we would have the children, we would roll to our headquarters where we would take the children and put them in the ceiling through ceiling tiles. Someone was taking the children from us in the ceiling and making sure they were safe once there. Then we would get in the tube and roll to the next village. On and on it went all the while an army surrounded the top of the pit. They were firing arrows at us. At first the tube kept us hidden. But by the end of the dream, it didn't hide us, it just protected us from the arrows. I woke from that dream and came to my Bible study chair and wrote it all down and pleaded with God for understanding, wisdom and the strength to fight. I went back to sleep knowing that "wait" was not what God intended for this time!
Tonight, the dream is similar. Only this time it is not just children. It is all of Liberia that is uneducated and discriminated against because they have no voice. Proverbs 29:7 is the verse God has given Addy's Hope for this time: "The godly care about the rights of the poor." I started the press conference with this scripture. In my dream, I am begging two officials to hear my plan to bring US teachers to Liberia to train Liberian teachers. I am asking them to help me set up the mentor program. But they are not listening because another program that is full of empty promises is taking them away from me. No matter how much I scream or what I tell them, they will not listen....they keep blowing me off. The dream changes. I am standing in a hall way watching a parade of people dressed in the finest clothes with jewelry dangling from them laughing and shouting how wonderfully successful they have been in gathering gifts for the people of Liberia. They are pulling wagons that have ornately decorated boxes with their video games and fine clothing spilling from them. I am standing on the side line watching in disbelief as I wonder how they think the people of Liberia will benefit from such items! The parade I am watching is made up of people from my old church.
Since returning from Liberia, the battle of flesh and spirit with in myself is so strong! "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life." I see a country where corrupt officials, greed, fear of being displaced keeps a people group down. I hear words that would appear to mean that the Ministry in charge of the welfare of the children of Liberia would prefer death to adoption! That makes me want to stand up and fight, to give life!
But then I return home. I see the four children who call me mommy on a daily basis. I desire to be all I need to be for them. I fear they are not getting all they need from me because they share me with 19 families and 57 little Liberian children. I see a house that is a wreck because I don't have time to keep it the way my husband desires. He has been so patient these past few months, but I know he and my children are my first ministry. So as I see this, I want to quit again. I want to put all of Liberia out of my mind and be American through and through. I want to get lost in all the traditions and hype of Christmas...still focusing on Christ, but getting totally lost in the "feelings" of Christmas. I want to adopt that baby that God has placed on my heart, yet with the demands of an agency, I can't imagine adding a baby right now. Add midnight feedings to my already sleepless nights and no drugs made will be enough to keep me functioning during the day to answer parents' phone calls and e-mails! But if I quit the fight, if I waived my red flag, I could spend my days rocking a baby, reading books to Ava, playing football with Toben, riding bikes with Noah, cooking with Callie and snuggling with my husband. I could be the stay home mom that I know God called me to be in my first years of mothering. I still believe strongly in being a stay at home mom! That is why my children will not go to daycare even though this has turned into a 40 hour + a week job!
Then there is the financial struggle. More and more I hear the voice in my head saying, "Well, if you are going to be working full time anyway, you might as well go back to teaching. Just think of what you could do with all the money you would make from teaching! Your debt could be paid off in less than a year!" Yes, that is the voice of the enemy. But it is so tempting! Worldy? YES! Flesh? YES! But remember, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!
But to do all that would mean I forget Moses, the community leader who nearly jumped up and down with excitement that a school was going up in his community. It would mean forgetting one of our Nannies that came to us. There was a man paying her son's tuition, but because another "Pastor" told him to stop, he did. So now her son can't go to school. Do you know how much his tuition is? $35 US! I paid more than that for stamps for Christmas cards yesterday! On judgement day which will be straw and which will stand the fire? It won't be the Christmas cards! Done! John in Liberia will go to school! John and I will see to that! But he is just one of thousands upon thousands!
The two week old baby that was brought to the Ministry of Health right before we met with the deputy minister...turned away without assistance! Yet we can't find a home for her because they want to tie our hands! Really?! Adoption is worse than starvation? How can that be?
I attended one of the adoption awareness meetings that the President's Committee on Adoption sponsored while I was there. It was a joke! It was not an awareness meeting, it was an adoption bashing opportunity! The presenter said the Liberian government is not against adoption, but then proceeded to tell only the negative sides of adoption. When she was finished spewing her venom, she said, "Now I will take three and only three questions from the audience." What? I thought this was an informational meeting! I guess it was really just a platform for her to give her personal opinion on adoption. All the while the adoption service provider's rep sitting on that committee sat there and said nothing! A lot of good he is doing! (He is NOT form our agency by the way!) Even the people around me (Liberians...I was the only white person in the place except for the presenters' personal assistant that was with her!) said, "Adoption is a crucial issue, this should not be rushed!" All the comments from the audience were positive! Yet, I would bet my life that if a report is given to President Sirleaf on that meeting, it would be told the community where it was held is against adoption. President Sirleaf has labeled corruption as "Public Enemy Number One". When you see a public enemy, arne't you supposed to report it?! But who do I report the sighting to? No one seems to listen. I have a letter from the President's office dated Feb 8, 2008 stating that she will personally see that Minister Gwenigale and his ministry work with us according to Liberian law. Almost a year later that has not happened. So if you can't report even to the highest power, what hope is there for ending corruption?
And remember, this is the government that we, the US tax payers, are sending MILLIONS of dollars! For real?! Give me a million dollars and lets see what Liberia looks like when I get done! It may not have fancy government buildings, but I bet every county would have a school with trained teachers and curriculum that will make learning in a structured progression! That is what will change Liberia for tomorrow: EDUCATION! Then these officials cannot run over people because of fear and ignorance!
So what can I do? Well, I am not sure. That is what has been rolling around in my head for the past hour. A letter to the Mansion has been composed but not sent. Contacts are in the works with my local representative to find out who is handling the money for the Liberian SEED bill (maybe law by now, not sure). And I can ask you who are reading this to join the fight. Contact your congressman and ask the same thing. Require accountability for this kind of money being sent over seas. In a time where they say we are in a recession, wouldn't money like this be better off in our own land if it is only going to pad the pockets of officials in the foreign country? You will find no one with a bigger heart for the people of Liberia, but the PEOPLE of Liberia are not getting this money!
It became a big joke as we drove around. I was traveling in a 1980 something blue hatchback car with no ac and a window crank that fell off many times in my hand....and riding in it proudly, I might add! We would pull up beside US AID cars, brand spanking new SUV's with tinted windows and AC. US AID is the number one distributor of the money the US govn't is sending over there. Even one the other adoption agencies had the same issue. When on one of the compounds, I counted SEVEN new cars! All SUVS and trucks, except for the Mercedes sitting there! But we drove proudly on to that compound in Ol' Blue! If you ever see an Addy's Hope car that is new, it will have a big "donated by" sign on it! My Liberia staff knows money like that will not be spent on cars...it will go to more beds or a refrigerator or bigger generator...something that will serve the CHILDREN!
Yet, we are the agency being discriminated against. I would venture to say we have processed the least amount of adoptions but done the largest amount of humanitarian work percentage wise. I am not tooting my horn, that is just what God has called us to do....however, it is frustrating when we are not then allowed to help more! We have offered to care for unadoptable children that the Ministry needs to place temporarily. We just want to help!
We spoke with another official at the Ministry of Health who understands! She sees children and mothers constantly that need help. She understands that the government does not have the resources to help, and until they do, adoption is one option to keep the children alive and educated..basic human rights! She shared story after story, even showing us pictures of some success stories thanks to donations of formula by some NGO's. So before I left, I took her a box of formula. Babies should at the very least have food! Mothers who have no milk and no friend who have milk have no options. Formula there is $10 US for a can that would last about two days for a new born. Remember, the average Liberian salary is $150 a year! You do the math!
After the very discouraging adoption "awareness" meeting, Amos, Pastor Paul and I went to eat and debrief. We were all fired up....after I had a good cry! Amos hates it when I cry, so I try to keep to a minimum.....I hate it when I cry too, but sometimes I just can't help it! Anyway, we were talking about the concept of adoption. I have to confess that on this trip, I really struggled with it. Are we doing the right thing? Should we just be fund raising and trying to keep children in families? There is an awesome organization doing that right now in Liberia and they are making an impact with orphanages and are working closely with the Ministry of Health. Praise God! It is Orphan Rescue and Relief (I think that is the right name, I will look it up and put their link somewhere later). But God through many people showed me how adoption is our calling...not all of our calling, but part of it. For whatever reason, He needs some children to be adopted. Is that the total answer, NO! But it is one of the many answers. As we talked about it, I brought up that adoption is God's design. For whatever reason, he has created adoption. He adopts us. There are many stories in the Bible of children who are adopted...I mentioned Moses. Then Amos made a profound statement! He said, "Yes! And Moses redeemed his people!" Wow! I wrote it down! 'Moses, the adopted son and by God's design , redeemed the people of his birth!' That is what I fully believe many of the children adopted by Addy's Hope will do! They will return to Liberia or they will send their resources there in order to redeem Liberia and the suppressed people of that country! Pastor Paul says he is going to have a billboard made with that quote on it to promote adoption! Go Pastor Paul!
Thank you for listening. Hopefully, now that it is off my chest, I can go to sleep!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
jet lag
Today is the day I hate when I have to go to Liberia...the jet lag hits bottom! I am sitting here trying to work, but my head keeps hitting the computer. It is such a weird feeling, and I hate it!
So I am going to get up and unpack mysuitcases...maybe I can do that and stay awake! :) I will try to post more pics from my trip tonight. I got to meet Patricia and Gennifer that we raised money for their scholarships. That was awesome! I spent quite a bit of time with Patricia. Kind of feels like she is my little sister in Liberia! They are going to Ivory Coast for Christmas to try to find their mother. They have heard she is there, and they have not seen her since they got separated during the war. And my kids biggest issue for Christmas is whether they will get all the toys they want or not. It just amazes me that two such different worlds can exist in the same time frame! I just don't get it!
So I am going to get up and unpack mysuitcases...maybe I can do that and stay awake! :) I will try to post more pics from my trip tonight. I got to meet Patricia and Gennifer that we raised money for their scholarships. That was awesome! I spent quite a bit of time with Patricia. Kind of feels like she is my little sister in Liberia! They are going to Ivory Coast for Christmas to try to find their mother. They have heard she is there, and they have not seen her since they got separated during the war. And my kids biggest issue for Christmas is whether they will get all the toys they want or not. It just amazes me that two such different worlds can exist in the same time frame! I just don't get it!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My final Thoughts from Liberia (written Dec 7)
I am sitting at the Monrovia airport. I hate this part of my trip. I hate leaving home and I hate leaving here. I feel like I am ripped in two every time I leave one place or the other. This trip has been the same as all the others, full of high highs and low lows! I have literally walked through fire and water this trip! Pictures to come!
This time, I stayed at the home with the children, so it is even harder. Leaving the home, the children all had sad faces as we said our good-byes. I just wanted to stuff them all in my suitcases. Even one of the matrons got tears in her eyes. Then telling Amos good-bye is difficult. I know the work he has ahead of him, and I so want to be here to help him with it. But I have family back home that needs me too!
My staff is amazing! God has blessed me beyond measure! From our driver, to our nannies, to my director! I have people who love the children and are loyal to Addy’s Hope. This time, I met an amazing man named Paul. One night, I was awakened by the screams of the children. I ran into the room and they along with the nannies were standing there. Two of the girls swore they saw someone standing in the corner that ran into the hall. We searched the whole house. There was no one there. I had total peace, and I knew if there was someone there, I would not! They were all convinced it was either a demon or one of the girl’s dead mother coming back to talk to her. I assured them whatever it was, if it was anything, was way weaker than God almighty! So for the next three hours they sang and prayed. That part was awesome! However, I had to get some sleep to get me through the next day.
But before I want to sleep, God used that incident to really make me aware of how badly we need spiritual guidance in our home. The thought crossed my mind: we have a nurse to care for them physically, why do we not have a pastor to care for them spiritually. So I talked to John, and he agreed. We now have a full time Pastor on staff. He is amazing! He loves the Lord, and wants to see people realize their potential in God. So he is going to start teaching the children, teaching the mentors and then going out to the villages where we are building and start getting to know them!
Speaking of the villages, I met the community leader today, Moses. He is so excited about the school! They don’t have a school in the community, and the closest one is on the main road. A child was hit by a car walking to school, so of course they don’t let their younger kids go there. We are right across the road from Rafiki Village. He said they promised to build a school, but then put a fence around it just for them. He asked why they couldn’t build one for the community. I told him I didn’t know, but I promised him his community kids would be allowed in our school! I also told him that we would get medical attention to them just as quickly as we can! I told him when the building was open; we would have a doctor come in at least on weekends. They die on their way to the hospital, just like Addy!
Honorable Gaye came out to the sight with his whole family. He gave me a traditional dress. I have wanted one but have not had time to shop, so I was so excited! It is pink and burgundy! He was excited to see we had broke ground. I told him we had a frustrating trip, and that I prayed they passed the bill for adoptions very quickly and made it workable! He assured me it would be one of the first items on the agenda. I told him when they get adoptions moving again, I would love to build a school in Nimba. That is his district and where most of our children have come from that are home now. I want to give back to there. He said a school would be the most beneficial. So that will be my first project when adoptions are moving!
There is still just so much to be done in Liberia. Still so many trying to keep it down. At an adoption awareness meeting I went to put on by the President’s Committee on Adoption, one of the government officials ran up in her black, air conditioned car with solid black windows, jumped out with her sunglasses on like she was from Hollywood. She ran into the room followed close behind by her Paige and her body guard. She was the one who actually did the adoption talk. She gave a completely negative impression of adoption. Then she said, “We have to figure out why so many of our children are being adopted. What do we need to do to fix this. Do we need family assistance programs, do we need education?” It took everything within my not to scream, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If you would roll down those dark windows when you are driving through you country, maybe you wouldn’t have to ask “do we?” Anyone with even a small brain cell can see that the country is in dire need of assistance!!!!! But this is the mentality we are dealing with. It is very difficult not to get discouraged! But as I hugged Amos, he whispered, “Take Courage!” And I told him with him on this side, I had no choice but to! And I turned to make my journey home….back to the land of opportunity where only by the Grace of God I was born instead of here, in the land of poverty! Oh how my heart aches for these people I am leaving! May God bless them, each and every one of them!
This time, I stayed at the home with the children, so it is even harder. Leaving the home, the children all had sad faces as we said our good-byes. I just wanted to stuff them all in my suitcases. Even one of the matrons got tears in her eyes. Then telling Amos good-bye is difficult. I know the work he has ahead of him, and I so want to be here to help him with it. But I have family back home that needs me too!
My staff is amazing! God has blessed me beyond measure! From our driver, to our nannies, to my director! I have people who love the children and are loyal to Addy’s Hope. This time, I met an amazing man named Paul. One night, I was awakened by the screams of the children. I ran into the room and they along with the nannies were standing there. Two of the girls swore they saw someone standing in the corner that ran into the hall. We searched the whole house. There was no one there. I had total peace, and I knew if there was someone there, I would not! They were all convinced it was either a demon or one of the girl’s dead mother coming back to talk to her. I assured them whatever it was, if it was anything, was way weaker than God almighty! So for the next three hours they sang and prayed. That part was awesome! However, I had to get some sleep to get me through the next day.
But before I want to sleep, God used that incident to really make me aware of how badly we need spiritual guidance in our home. The thought crossed my mind: we have a nurse to care for them physically, why do we not have a pastor to care for them spiritually. So I talked to John, and he agreed. We now have a full time Pastor on staff. He is amazing! He loves the Lord, and wants to see people realize their potential in God. So he is going to start teaching the children, teaching the mentors and then going out to the villages where we are building and start getting to know them!
Speaking of the villages, I met the community leader today, Moses. He is so excited about the school! They don’t have a school in the community, and the closest one is on the main road. A child was hit by a car walking to school, so of course they don’t let their younger kids go there. We are right across the road from Rafiki Village. He said they promised to build a school, but then put a fence around it just for them. He asked why they couldn’t build one for the community. I told him I didn’t know, but I promised him his community kids would be allowed in our school! I also told him that we would get medical attention to them just as quickly as we can! I told him when the building was open; we would have a doctor come in at least on weekends. They die on their way to the hospital, just like Addy!
Honorable Gaye came out to the sight with his whole family. He gave me a traditional dress. I have wanted one but have not had time to shop, so I was so excited! It is pink and burgundy! He was excited to see we had broke ground. I told him we had a frustrating trip, and that I prayed they passed the bill for adoptions very quickly and made it workable! He assured me it would be one of the first items on the agenda. I told him when they get adoptions moving again, I would love to build a school in Nimba. That is his district and where most of our children have come from that are home now. I want to give back to there. He said a school would be the most beneficial. So that will be my first project when adoptions are moving!
There is still just so much to be done in Liberia. Still so many trying to keep it down. At an adoption awareness meeting I went to put on by the President’s Committee on Adoption, one of the government officials ran up in her black, air conditioned car with solid black windows, jumped out with her sunglasses on like she was from Hollywood. She ran into the room followed close behind by her Paige and her body guard. She was the one who actually did the adoption talk. She gave a completely negative impression of adoption. Then she said, “We have to figure out why so many of our children are being adopted. What do we need to do to fix this. Do we need family assistance programs, do we need education?” It took everything within my not to scream, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If you would roll down those dark windows when you are driving through you country, maybe you wouldn’t have to ask “do we?” Anyone with even a small brain cell can see that the country is in dire need of assistance!!!!! But this is the mentality we are dealing with. It is very difficult not to get discouraged! But as I hugged Amos, he whispered, “Take Courage!” And I told him with him on this side, I had no choice but to! And I turned to make my journey home….back to the land of opportunity where only by the Grace of God I was born instead of here, in the land of poverty! Oh how my heart aches for these people I am leaving! May God bless them, each and every one of them!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Thursday in Liberia
Today was an awesome day! I really don't have the words..in fact, I was asked by the press to explain my excitment for the day, and I couldn't find anything to say! Shocking for me, I know! But let me try to explain for you.....
All I could say to John when I would call is, "I wish you were here!" I really don't know how to describe it! The day started with the press coming for a press conference here at the home. They set up a table that Amos, myself and one of the reps from the adoption coalition (actually the rep that is from the agency that we were adopting Eden and Addy from...God really does have a great sense of humor!)sat behind. Then the press set in chairs in front of us. Pastor Paul, an amazing man that is a friend of Amos that I have met on this trip said a prayer for us and Amos introduced me. When Amos sat down, all the press jumped up and put the video recorders, etc in front of me! I looked at Amos and said, "Wow!" and they all laughed! I explained our heart for Liberia, what we have done in the past, what we are doing now and named the families who have done things like the well, scholarship, books, etc. Then I asked if they had any questions. Boy did they! Wow! They HAMMERED me! One right after the other! But it was amazing! I don't really remember all that was said or asked...it was one of those times that you know the Holy Spirit was moving because I didn't think, the words just came! One of the questions was, "Since adoption is legal, what problems are you having and what ministry is the issue?" I nailed it! I just stuck it all out there and told exactly what had been said and done! I am usually really cautious for fear of retaliation, but I guess it needed to be said because it was out of my mouth before I knew it..totally not like me!
I could tell they were skeptical of what I was saying. One so much as said, so how will you make all these promises...and I said, "God!" I told them none of this is from me to begin with! It is what God laid on my heart, and I will continue it until He says stop.
From there, we went to the site of the new orphanage for the ground breaking. On the way there, I had about 45 minutes to think about all that I had just said. There were several things that I thought back on and went, "What?!" Where did that come from! One of them was that I told the press that we would have teachers who were trained to US standards at the school. What?! I have NEVER thought any such thing! And now I have told this group of men this?! If you know me, you know that my word is valuable to me! If I say, I mean it! I had said it, now what?! But even in that thought, God provided an idea. One, John and I could move there for a coupleo f weeks with all the kids this summer and train the teachers ourselves (I love that idea, John didn't like it so much!) or we could "hire" teachers who would be willing to go over there for a semester or a year on a missionary type job and teach while Liberian teachers observed and team taught. Then the American teacher would gradually turn the classroom over the the Liberian teachers. What a cool idea?! We could provide housing and minimal salary (what they would need to live here). That raises the money issue again, but since Kami's comment on my last money temper tantrum, I decided I wouldn't worry about it, trust God and plan to get busy on that when I get back!
So we arrived at the site and all walked to where the building will be put. The locals were busy clearing the brush. When everyone got there, we gathered around one of the remaining palm trees. It was just our little group and the press (no officals came that said they would, surprised?!) , but God was there! I don't know why I have been blessed to see the visible hand of God this way, but you could just feel His prescence. Some of the men from the village were there too, and it was amazing! Pastor Paul did the dedication and said a prayer that I know made the heavenlies shout for joy! It was awesome! I believe that there is a good chacne Pastor Paul is God's choice for a pastor for our church there on the compound! He is really amazing and has been a real encouragement to me on this trip! I am hoping to get him started in one of our school rooms as soon as the building is up!
Then we broke ground! Jeremy was all smiles as he should have been! What a time! We sang Liberian song of thanks. It was so good!
After we dedicated it, Amos said, "Come on HollyAnn, let's go find the end of the property!" Sure, I thought, I would love to. Mind you, I am in dress pants with very wide legs, a dress shirt and heels! When he grabbed the shovel and said he would take it "just in case", I should have caught a clue! So off we went. And I was in the bush! I even had to take off my shoes and pull up my pants to walk throug
h the creek that runs through our land. I did fall once, but when you fall in the bush, there is lots of soft greenery to catch you...doesn't hurt...well, nothing but our pride! We walked all the way to the end. When we got there, there was a cool breeze off the ocean and a really tall, beautiful palm tree, we all just stood there. It was so quiet! I said, I think I can just reach up and touch God right now! And I got goose bumps that lasted for thirty minutes!
h the creek that runs through our land. I did fall once, but when you fall in the bush, there is lots of soft greenery to catch you...doesn't hurt...well, nothing but our pride! We walked all the way to the end. When we got there, there was a cool breeze off the ocean and a really tall, beautiful palm tree, we all just stood there. It was so quiet! I said, I think I can just reach up and touch God right now! And I got goose bumps that lasted for thirty minutes!This evening, our story was on Star radio. After it aired Amos' phone started ringing! They did a fabulous job or reporting it. They stated we had a ground breaking ceremony, said that we would have a home and school, said we had $55000 USD for the project, then ended it by saying that we were having difficulties with the Ministry of Health, but hoped that they would be resolved. I nearly cried when I heard it! I knew God said "do a press conference", but oh I was scared! They can twist things here like no ones business! It was obvious that two or three that were here were not really that excited about adoption when they came, but by the time they left, they were laughing and joking with me and asking personal questions about the program. It was so neat!
Also, it was on the same news that the Executive Mansion released a statement that it is no longer rumor that the cabinet is being totally "shuffled". They said to expect changes in every ministry. This could be great for us! I really believe that the President is looking at adoption carefully and we will be protected in the new positions. We had already heard rumor that one official that we have BIG issues with would be leaving, but we didn't know if it was true. So please add to your prayer list that the men stopping us from processing adoptions smoothly would be removed and pro-children, pro-adoption, Christian people are put in those positions! This could be a HUGE opportunity for us!
I am going to leave you with a song the children taught me! They sing it very loud! It is just priceless! So here you go!
God is our Father
Jesus is our Brother
The Blessed Holy Spirit is our Guide
The Devil's no relation
I am a new creation
I'm a member of the family in the sky!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wednesday in Liberia
God moved today!
I don't know how much I can get down because I am tired, and it is almost 11, but I don't want to forget some of the thoughts God brought to mind today! This is the scripture God took me to last night: Psalm 10:14-15 "You [God] have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none." Psalm 10:17-18 "You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." I read this out loud all the way to the Ministry of Health with Amos and Pastor Paul, our driver, echoing amens in agreement! I believe God fulfilled His word!
The official who asked us to leave yesterday and make an appointment, never showed up for our appointment today...this seems to be a trend with me...that last man, the pastor of my last church never showed up for the meeting he set up either! But while we were waiting, a divine appointment happened with a lady who works in the ministry and is in charge of case histories. I shared our history as she is new. I gave her the article written about us and told her why we are so frustrated! She had to run to a meeting but said that she would be at our ground breaking tomorrow!
Yes, we are breaking ground officially tomorrow! We are also dedicating the property to God! We are so excited! Two, possibly three Congressmen will also be there! We are also having a press conference to share what Addy's Hope has done here in Liberia besides adoption to educate the people on our heart for the entire country! I am so excited, pray that I say what needs to be said for God to get the glory! He deserves it all! There is NO WAY I can do any of this!
When we signed the deed today for the land, the man doing it said, "I have never seen a deal go through this quickly, God must be in this!" Then he told us he wants to pray over the deed before he hands it to us to dedicate it to God! We had not discussed religion, our purpose for the building or anything with him! He just came out and said that! Praise God! That means that people are seeing God in what is happening, and not us! It was really neat moment!
I have so much more to say, but it is 11, and tomorrow is a BIG day! We still need things to break loose for adoptions, but I believe we might be on the right track! Well, I know we are because God is in control! He has sent me here, He has arranged all the meetings, and He has provided the funds to do what we do! Now we just have to continue to walk in obedience and faith, fight the fight and continue on!
I don't know how much I can get down because I am tired, and it is almost 11, but I don't want to forget some of the thoughts God brought to mind today! This is the scripture God took me to last night: Psalm 10:14-15 "You [God] have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none." Psalm 10:17-18 "You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." I read this out loud all the way to the Ministry of Health with Amos and Pastor Paul, our driver, echoing amens in agreement! I believe God fulfilled His word!
The official who asked us to leave yesterday and make an appointment, never showed up for our appointment today...this seems to be a trend with me...that last man, the pastor of my last church never showed up for the meeting he set up either! But while we were waiting, a divine appointment happened with a lady who works in the ministry and is in charge of case histories. I shared our history as she is new. I gave her the article written about us and told her why we are so frustrated! She had to run to a meeting but said that she would be at our ground breaking tomorrow!
Yes, we are breaking ground officially tomorrow! We are also dedicating the property to God! We are so excited! Two, possibly three Congressmen will also be there! We are also having a press conference to share what Addy's Hope has done here in Liberia besides adoption to educate the people on our heart for the entire country! I am so excited, pray that I say what needs to be said for God to get the glory! He deserves it all! There is NO WAY I can do any of this!
When we signed the deed today for the land, the man doing it said, "I have never seen a deal go through this quickly, God must be in this!" Then he told us he wants to pray over the deed before he hands it to us to dedicate it to God! We had not discussed religion, our purpose for the building or anything with him! He just came out and said that! Praise God! That means that people are seeing God in what is happening, and not us! It was really neat moment!
I have so much more to say, but it is 11, and tomorrow is a BIG day! We still need things to break loose for adoptions, but I believe we might be on the right track! Well, I know we are because God is in control! He has sent me here, He has arranged all the meetings, and He has provided the funds to do what we do! Now we just have to continue to walk in obedience and faith, fight the fight and continue on!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tuesday Night
I will attempt to post...I have little Courage sitting on my bed playing with a puzzle, but she just became keenly interested in the computer! She touches it and grins...and is getting closer and closer to the keys! All the other kids are in the living room watching the new "desk" aka: DVD player! I brought movies for them. They just finished Barney and Bibleman and are now watching an animated Bible.
Today we went to the Embassy and met with the Consular. We got some wonderful information and plan to implement some things with new kids...which will cost more money! So if anyone wonders why we charge the fees we do, I will be happy to share with them all this costs that pop up!
Then we went to the Ministry of Health to get an appointment with the man that controls the main reason I am here....case histories! When we walked in, he was standing there, couldn't avoid me, so we went in to talk. The first thing he says is that there was a 2 week old baby in his office just then that was in need of care. I immediatly said, we will care for her! So he picks up his phone to call the mom. Couldn't get her, but said he would let her know. The bottom line is a lady looking for help for her child came to him, and he sent her away! But this is the office that is telling us adoptions shouldnt happen? So by the time we got done with our round the bush conversation, I just came out and told him that I was not holding my adoptive parents off any longer as it looked to me like we had a human rights issue. If they cannot care for kids and would prefer to keep them on the streets, starving, without education and clothes, then seems to me we have a human rights issue! I told him that I would no longer ask my adoptive parents to not conatct their senators, etc to voice their concern over a government that would let their children starve rather than be adopted. At that time he said we would need to end our conversation so he could eat his food and we could make an appointment to come back. He said I could calm down and come in relaxed and kicked back like him. I laughed and told him I was relaxed and calm. He hasn't seen me any where near riled up yet! I am not Liberian in that way! So this man who would glady give us a baby to care for, doesn't want us to do adoptions! Craziness! I just don't understand! I am really trying, but I don't get it!
On the funner side of things, when we were headed into town, we dropped one of the matrons off with Alphonso the youngest baby we have ever had inthe home. I got to hold him in the car, and he laughed and laughed! He was just precious! But my heart sank as I knew it would be months before his new mom could hold him and he woudl change so much! The babies are the hardest for me because I know how I would feel if my tiny baby was changing every day in my abscence! Toben was a little easier as he didn't change that much in the time we watied, but babies change every day!
After the ministry of health, we went to the baby store! I had a blast! I bought two baby beds, a walker , some more baby dolls for the girls and a musical mobile to put inthe crib. I need to get more beds to put in the container as I think we can find some at garage sales, etc cheaper, but we need beds now for these babies! I want our home to be as excellent as it can be since we represent God's work.
After that we went to lunch. I had one of those moments that you just think God planted you in. Earlier, I had been talking to the driver, and found out that he desires to Pastor a church, spread the gospel and shepherd God's people. Over lunch we talked more, and he shared his heart on the body of Christ. We have the same heart! It was so neat to hear him! I had wondered earlier if he might be the pastor for the church we want to put out on the compound, and after hearing him, I think he just might be!
We all sat around dreaming about what we need...the home, a school, and what the man told Jeremy today is a clinic! He says that even when they can afford to go to get medical attention, they die before they get to the hospital. So clinic got moved up on the list. We just need money! They got to see me throw my tempertantrum about how I hate money!!!! So I have to get home and get to work on raising funds for all of this!
When we got home this afternoon, I started sorting through the BOXES of books two of our wonderful families collected and sent over here. The kids started looking through them, and I got excited! I have to just make sure the staff knows the books are to be USED and not just sit there!
Well, I need to let Jeremy e-mail his wife! So I am going to sign off. Serena has come in to sit on my bed, and Courage is not to happy about sharing her puzzle!
Today we went to the Embassy and met with the Consular. We got some wonderful information and plan to implement some things with new kids...which will cost more money! So if anyone wonders why we charge the fees we do, I will be happy to share with them all this costs that pop up!
Then we went to the Ministry of Health to get an appointment with the man that controls the main reason I am here....case histories! When we walked in, he was standing there, couldn't avoid me, so we went in to talk. The first thing he says is that there was a 2 week old baby in his office just then that was in need of care. I immediatly said, we will care for her! So he picks up his phone to call the mom. Couldn't get her, but said he would let her know. The bottom line is a lady looking for help for her child came to him, and he sent her away! But this is the office that is telling us adoptions shouldnt happen? So by the time we got done with our round the bush conversation, I just came out and told him that I was not holding my adoptive parents off any longer as it looked to me like we had a human rights issue. If they cannot care for kids and would prefer to keep them on the streets, starving, without education and clothes, then seems to me we have a human rights issue! I told him that I would no longer ask my adoptive parents to not conatct their senators, etc to voice their concern over a government that would let their children starve rather than be adopted. At that time he said we would need to end our conversation so he could eat his food and we could make an appointment to come back. He said I could calm down and come in relaxed and kicked back like him. I laughed and told him I was relaxed and calm. He hasn't seen me any where near riled up yet! I am not Liberian in that way! So this man who would glady give us a baby to care for, doesn't want us to do adoptions! Craziness! I just don't understand! I am really trying, but I don't get it!
On the funner side of things, when we were headed into town, we dropped one of the matrons off with Alphonso the youngest baby we have ever had inthe home. I got to hold him in the car, and he laughed and laughed! He was just precious! But my heart sank as I knew it would be months before his new mom could hold him and he woudl change so much! The babies are the hardest for me because I know how I would feel if my tiny baby was changing every day in my abscence! Toben was a little easier as he didn't change that much in the time we watied, but babies change every day!
After the ministry of health, we went to the baby store! I had a blast! I bought two baby beds, a walker , some more baby dolls for the girls and a musical mobile to put inthe crib. I need to get more beds to put in the container as I think we can find some at garage sales, etc cheaper, but we need beds now for these babies! I want our home to be as excellent as it can be since we represent God's work.
After that we went to lunch. I had one of those moments that you just think God planted you in. Earlier, I had been talking to the driver, and found out that he desires to Pastor a church, spread the gospel and shepherd God's people. Over lunch we talked more, and he shared his heart on the body of Christ. We have the same heart! It was so neat to hear him! I had wondered earlier if he might be the pastor for the church we want to put out on the compound, and after hearing him, I think he just might be!
We all sat around dreaming about what we need...the home, a school, and what the man told Jeremy today is a clinic! He says that even when they can afford to go to get medical attention, they die before they get to the hospital. So clinic got moved up on the list. We just need money! They got to see me throw my tempertantrum about how I hate money!!!! So I have to get home and get to work on raising funds for all of this!
When we got home this afternoon, I started sorting through the BOXES of books two of our wonderful families collected and sent over here. The kids started looking through them, and I got excited! I have to just make sure the staff knows the books are to be USED and not just sit there!
Well, I need to let Jeremy e-mail his wife! So I am going to sign off. Serena has come in to sit on my bed, and Courage is not to happy about sharing her puzzle!
Monday Night
I am really not sure where to start! This is my fourth time to Liberia, but my first time to not stay in a hotel. The hotels make it seem like a mini vacation. Staying with no working shower and no a/c makes it a bit different! I don’t get to “escape” Liberia at night when I go into my air conditioned hotel room with great power, sour, etc. So this trip has been a bit more challenging. I have official appointments tomorrow, and I am not quite sure how I am going to get my hair dried and make up on with the buckets of sweat that poured off of me this morning! Not having hot water is really not a problem as the cold water feels wonderful! J
The other major difficulty is going to the bathroom! I thought it was tough with four kids, try 60! I have little voices calling through my bedroom window, “Mother HollyAnn, where are you?” To which I try to ignore….that doesn’t work, so I say, “go play”! We repeat that several times and I am finally asked if I am in the bath! I say, no, but I want you to go play! That one leaves, but with in a couple of minutes, a new little voice is starting the routine over!
But for those few downfalls, there are great benefits! I carried baby Solomon on my back tonight until he fell asleep. I rocked Courage to sleep, and then held Matthew and played with him on my bed while my country director and I figured money for the next month with all the new kids! Then I had a heart attack looking at our overhead! Well, not really, but I thought about it! God has always provided, so I will trust Him to continue to do so!
The kids LOVE to have their picture taken and then want to see it, so I am swarmed when I have my camera on my neck! I finally had to go put it up so I could walk without falling over anyone.
We got one major thing accomplished today – We decided on the land to buy and put a down payment. The papers should be all ready to go by Wednesday. That means Jeremy might actually get to break ground this week! That is really exciting!
I have the same issues this time as I always do! I wonder why it is that they think America has it so great? They are so much happier here, so much more appreciative of little things. But then again, I think of my a/c and the little things that make life easier. Two totally different worlds, yet I think we have so much to learn from each other! But as I hold these kids, I am furious that what we are trying to do to help them and others is made so difficult by the government! Why would they not want any of their people to have an easier time? Very frustrating! I just pray that when I meet with these people that God will give me the boldness to say what I need to and the strength to hold my tongue when I need to do that as well!
We are planning a party for Saturday where we will hand out the gifts from the families. For the boys, nothing will top the soccer equipment that he brought! Boots (cleats) and jerseys were the big hit! And of course they needed new balls already as they played too hard with the others I had sent and busted them! I didn’t know you could bust a soccer ball, but evidently it is possible!
I am tired, so I am calling it a night. Still not totally sure what I will get accomplished this trip, but I just felt God said “Go!” So I came. Praying I will remain obedient and accomplish all that He has for me!
Good night from Liberia!
The other major difficulty is going to the bathroom! I thought it was tough with four kids, try 60! I have little voices calling through my bedroom window, “Mother HollyAnn, where are you?” To which I try to ignore….that doesn’t work, so I say, “go play”! We repeat that several times and I am finally asked if I am in the bath! I say, no, but I want you to go play! That one leaves, but with in a couple of minutes, a new little voice is starting the routine over!
But for those few downfalls, there are great benefits! I carried baby Solomon on my back tonight until he fell asleep. I rocked Courage to sleep, and then held Matthew and played with him on my bed while my country director and I figured money for the next month with all the new kids! Then I had a heart attack looking at our overhead! Well, not really, but I thought about it! God has always provided, so I will trust Him to continue to do so!
The kids LOVE to have their picture taken and then want to see it, so I am swarmed when I have my camera on my neck! I finally had to go put it up so I could walk without falling over anyone.
We got one major thing accomplished today – We decided on the land to buy and put a down payment. The papers should be all ready to go by Wednesday. That means Jeremy might actually get to break ground this week! That is really exciting!
I have the same issues this time as I always do! I wonder why it is that they think America has it so great? They are so much happier here, so much more appreciative of little things. But then again, I think of my a/c and the little things that make life easier. Two totally different worlds, yet I think we have so much to learn from each other! But as I hold these kids, I am furious that what we are trying to do to help them and others is made so difficult by the government! Why would they not want any of their people to have an easier time? Very frustrating! I just pray that when I meet with these people that God will give me the boldness to say what I need to and the strength to hold my tongue when I need to do that as well!
We are planning a party for Saturday where we will hand out the gifts from the families. For the boys, nothing will top the soccer equipment that he brought! Boots (cleats) and jerseys were the big hit! And of course they needed new balls already as they played too hard with the others I had sent and busted them! I didn’t know you could bust a soccer ball, but evidently it is possible!
I am tired, so I am calling it a night. Still not totally sure what I will get accomplished this trip, but I just felt God said “Go!” So I came. Praying I will remain obedient and accomplish all that He has for me!
Good night from Liberia!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Coming to you from Belgium!
Well, I have made it this far! Jeremy and I are in Belgium....poor Jeremy, we missed connecting in Jewark. I thought he was already on the plane, so I got on, and he wasn't, and he waited for me and was the last one on the plane! But we are now connected and sitting at the gate waiting to board.
I am still not feeling great, but doing ok. Thought my ears were going to explode landing in Brussels, but other than that, I am holding my own!
Hope to post from Liberia daily so you can keep up with what is going on...at least as much as I can post on a public forum! :)
Pray for my family! I left the house a mess and no groceries in the cupboard. My sweet husband says it is fine, but I feel like a horrible wife and mom! Pray for my kids as they always try to be brave, but as Callie said on the way to the airport this morning, "I am less afraid now than I was the first time you went, but I still get a little scared!" They are great kids! I am blessed!
I am still not feeling great, but doing ok. Thought my ears were going to explode landing in Brussels, but other than that, I am holding my own!
Hope to post from Liberia daily so you can keep up with what is going on...at least as much as I can post on a public forum! :)
Pray for my family! I left the house a mess and no groceries in the cupboard. My sweet husband says it is fine, but I feel like a horrible wife and mom! Pray for my kids as they always try to be brave, but as Callie said on the way to the airport this morning, "I am less afraid now than I was the first time you went, but I still get a little scared!" They are great kids! I am blessed!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
T-minus 36 hours and counting!
Trying not to panick! I leave in less than 36 hours! Not packed, haven't finished gathering all that I need, don't have my game plan like I would like to have, and am already missing my kids!
But at the same time, I can't wait to see my other kids either! John was giving me a hard time about changing Ava's diaper, saying I would be gone, so it was my turn, and I reminded him that I was leaving 4 to go to about 50! :)
Lots to do tomorrow, but by the grace of God it will all get done, or what doesn't must not have been that important anyway!
I was able to put it all aside and enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family! Each Thanksgiving that I spend on this Earth getting to know my Savior better finds me even more thankful than the last for more little things in life! This year is no different! I have too many things to be thankful for to even start a list! Hope all of you find the same thing to be true today! Happy Thanksgiving!
But at the same time, I can't wait to see my other kids either! John was giving me a hard time about changing Ava's diaper, saying I would be gone, so it was my turn, and I reminded him that I was leaving 4 to go to about 50! :)
Lots to do tomorrow, but by the grace of God it will all get done, or what doesn't must not have been that important anyway!
I was able to put it all aside and enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family! Each Thanksgiving that I spend on this Earth getting to know my Savior better finds me even more thankful than the last for more little things in life! This year is no different! I have too many things to be thankful for to even start a list! Hope all of you find the same thing to be true today! Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas.....
We have a forest of trees in our living room! My sweet husband cleaned house today while I put together a 46 page report to take with me to Liberia! So we are ready to put up Christmas decos tomorrow! If you remember from last year, I John says I have a tree fetish. So we got out all the trees tonight and spread the branches and made sure the lights worked. They were all in the living room, and it really did look ridiculous to have 
that 
many trees! But I LOVE them! Everyone has their own tree that is themed to their room. I love trying to find inexpensive ways to deocrate them in the themes of their room! Callie's has shells we picked up from our beach trip, Ava's has brown pom-poms attached to ribbon on her pink tree. So it will all come out tomorrow!
that 
many trees! But I LOVE them! Everyone has their own tree that is themed to their room. I love trying to find inexpensive ways to deocrate them in the themes of their room! Callie's has shells we picked up from our beach trip, Ava's has brown pom-poms attached to ribbon on her pink tree. So it will all come out tomorrow!Toben was so excited! He was a little disappointed that the "bigger tree" didn't go in his room. But this is how he ended his night, "Dear God, thank you for my Christmas tree! Amen!" And I wiped a tear as I kissed his sweet face and tucked him in to his warm, snug, soft bed!
anonymous comments blocked
I know I have some friends who comment with anonymous and then sign their names. I hope you have blogger id's that you can sign in and still comment as I love hearing from you!
However, I have blocked anonymous comments from my blog. Evidently there is someone out there who thinks they know me really well but doesn't have a clue about the heart behind my posts. I am all for opposing comments and challenging my thinking, in fact I seek that out in my life in the form of mentors! But for someone to do that and not have the guts to sign their name to their opinions, doesn't really make me value their thoughts at all. If you don't want to sign your name, then I don't want to know what you have to say! I think that is just a basic corteousy of blog posting! I was ok with it on the adoption issue, but this person seems to just keep hounding away. If you would like to reveal your identity, I would be happy to have a discussion with you about these topics and welcome the criticism, but if you are not willing to talk about it with out hiding, then I don't think its worth my time.
However, I have blocked anonymous comments from my blog. Evidently there is someone out there who thinks they know me really well but doesn't have a clue about the heart behind my posts. I am all for opposing comments and challenging my thinking, in fact I seek that out in my life in the form of mentors! But for someone to do that and not have the guts to sign their name to their opinions, doesn't really make me value their thoughts at all. If you don't want to sign your name, then I don't want to know what you have to say! I think that is just a basic corteousy of blog posting! I was ok with it on the adoption issue, but this person seems to just keep hounding away. If you would like to reveal your identity, I would be happy to have a discussion with you about these topics and welcome the criticism, but if you are not willing to talk about it with out hiding, then I don't think its worth my time.
T-minus 4 days and counting!
So yesterday, I got our hobby room almost painted and got my shopping done for Thanksgiving! Tried to get most of my shopping done for the trip, but that always takes more than one trip no matter how much I plan!
Today I will finish the painting do John can lay the floor, and then hopefully move in my stuff! I can't wait! Didn't realize how much of an energy drain all of the "stuff" in that room piled up was until it was all cleaned out and open! God has been telling me for three years to get organized! I haven't ignored him, but haven't really known what to do either. I find that them more I listen, the more He tells! :) ha! that was a "Duh!" statement if there ever was one!
I am also trying to get all the "work" done for the trip today. I have some reports that I need to get printed at the print shop and also business cards for the workers in Liberia.
Then I have to clean house! We are putting up our Christmas decos tomorrow since I will not be back until just two weeks before Christmas. I hope I get lots done today so that I can enjoy tomorrow since this is Toben's first Christmas here! I want to enjoy every ooh and aah he has as we set up all the lights and talk about what a marvelous Gift God sent us in His son! We have a new nativity (took me this long to find one!) that the baby Jesus comes out. It is larger than most nativities. So it will go under our tree in front of any gifts with the empty manger until Christmas morning! Just one more way to remind my kids that this is about JESUS not all the fluff, but I do enjoy the fluff too!
Today I will finish the painting do John can lay the floor, and then hopefully move in my stuff! I can't wait! Didn't realize how much of an energy drain all of the "stuff" in that room piled up was until it was all cleaned out and open! God has been telling me for three years to get organized! I haven't ignored him, but haven't really known what to do either. I find that them more I listen, the more He tells! :) ha! that was a "Duh!" statement if there ever was one!
I am also trying to get all the "work" done for the trip today. I have some reports that I need to get printed at the print shop and also business cards for the workers in Liberia.
Then I have to clean house! We are putting up our Christmas decos tomorrow since I will not be back until just two weeks before Christmas. I hope I get lots done today so that I can enjoy tomorrow since this is Toben's first Christmas here! I want to enjoy every ooh and aah he has as we set up all the lights and talk about what a marvelous Gift God sent us in His son! We have a new nativity (took me this long to find one!) that the baby Jesus comes out. It is larger than most nativities. So it will go under our tree in front of any gifts with the empty manger until Christmas morning! Just one more way to remind my kids that this is about JESUS not all the fluff, but I do enjoy the fluff too!
Monday, November 24, 2008
T-minus 5 days and counting!
I leave for Liberia on Saturday! Kind of an unexpected trip, but one God has laid on my heart, so I am going!
Was feeling bad with head cold/flu stuff on Wednesday of last week, Thursday was in ER all day with what the dr says is a "bug" (Dr. Mom says it is a gall bladder attack, and she is usually right about these things!), Friday was wiped out all day because of drugs, etc from Thursday. Sunday had previous commitments that kept me from doing anything on the trip. This morning am still fighting the cold/flu that has left me singing bass with little effort and a list a mile and a half long to get done!
I LOVE this time of year! I am heart sick to leave my children during this magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Yet, I am so excited to get to visit my "other children" during this same time! I am totally torn between two worlds!
So I will get off the computer and get to work!
Was feeling bad with head cold/flu stuff on Wednesday of last week, Thursday was in ER all day with what the dr says is a "bug" (Dr. Mom says it is a gall bladder attack, and she is usually right about these things!), Friday was wiped out all day because of drugs, etc from Thursday. Sunday had previous commitments that kept me from doing anything on the trip. This morning am still fighting the cold/flu that has left me singing bass with little effort and a list a mile and a half long to get done!
I LOVE this time of year! I am heart sick to leave my children during this magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Yet, I am so excited to get to visit my "other children" during this same time! I am totally torn between two worlds!
So I will get off the computer and get to work!
How do you take Hope?
How do you take Hope to a third world country?
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As I prepare to leave again for my second home (aka: Liberia), I have been asking God what I need to focus on. There are so many things...way more than I will be able to accomplish while I am there...I need about a year, I will have about a week! But one of the things that haunts me are the pictures I brought back of the village across the street from the land that we were looking to purchase.
Do those dark brown eyes know Jesus? Do they know the One who is The Way? Evangelism has never been my "gifting", and ashamedly, I have used that as an excuse to not share in a bold way my Savior with other people.
I really have no fear of walking up and telling them about Jesus. My fear is doing a poor job of representing Him! I don't want to be the white woman who comes and brings gifts and talks of a man!
As I think through how to be Jesus to them, I ask do I bring rice? Do I bring Bibles? They can't read, so that would be silly! Is there something I can take with the Bible on it in audio that someone with no electricity, no batteries, etc can play? I am sure there is, but I don't know what it is and don't have time to research it! People do this all the time, why am I making it so hard?
Yet, as I look at the people around me, I see what a poor job I do of representing Hope to the people in my daily life! I have family members who don't know Him well or don't trust Him with their lives even if they say they know Him. If I can't share the Hope and Life with them that I have found when they see me daily and see what He is doing in my life, how in the world will I take Hope to a people I see for a mere hour or two once a quarter?
When your hungry, is rice Hope? When you are thirsty, is water Hope? If I take it will they see it from me or from Him? Should I send it with my staff who are Liberia?
God, see my heart! Guide me! Put me right in the middle of what you are doing so that You can shine through! Get me totally out of the way! John says I should have been black, and I kind of wish I was for this mission! My white skin, kind of makes me stick out and associate me with wealth and prosperity when what I really want to be associated with is Jesus! Have your way with me! Show me what Hope is to these hopeless people!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?
So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.
There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.
Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?
I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.
I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."
As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!
Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."
What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.
There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!
Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!
But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?
So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!
There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.
Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?
I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.
I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."
As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!
Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."
What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.
There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!
Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!
But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?
So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Bang!
That is the sound of a door shutting!
I just got an e-mail from the agency. She talked to the b-mom today who now says she wants an open adoption. I am not a fan of open adoption for a multitude of reasons. I am great with letters and photos through a third party, but not total open adoption. I know that is not a popular view, but add it to the list of my not popular views!
Plus the bmom liked a family that she had already sent a profile on. So they are having a conference call on Wednesday with that family. This bmom hasn't even seen our profile, I don't think.
As I was just discussing with a friend, why does God place these desires so long before the fulfillment?
I just got an e-mail from the agency. She talked to the b-mom today who now says she wants an open adoption. I am not a fan of open adoption for a multitude of reasons. I am great with letters and photos through a third party, but not total open adoption. I know that is not a popular view, but add it to the list of my not popular views!
Plus the bmom liked a family that she had already sent a profile on. So they are having a conference call on Wednesday with that family. This bmom hasn't even seen our profile, I don't think.
As I was just discussing with a friend, why does God place these desires so long before the fulfillment?
No news
For those of you following the baby story...there is no news. The letter from the agency should have arrived at the prison Friday afternoon. I e-mailed the agency and asked if they had heard anything from the Birthmom, but I haven't gotten a response from the agency....they are not so great to get back to me!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
This post has been a long time coming! - Part Three
Boy you guys get ugly when I don't finish a story! 
So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.
So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?
There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!
But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.
In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.
Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!
But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.
On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.
I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*
So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!
I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!
So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!
I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "
And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!
I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!
I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!
So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!
So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.
So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?
There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!
But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.
In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.
Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!
But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.
On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.
I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*
So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!
I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!
So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!
I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "
And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!
I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!
I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!
So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!
Friday, November 14, 2008
The roller coaster of adoption!
I got word from the agency with the b-mom who is now in jail that she has sent a letter with the agency 1-800 # on it to her. That way she can call if she doesn't have the 1-800 #. She was supposed to receive the letter by this afternoon. But when can she call? Will she get a phone call this weekend?
John hasn't said I could, but I offered (disclosing that my husband hadn't given full permission) to go to wherever she is in jail and meet with her. I would LOVE to have this baby, however, I would be willing to go meet her just to keep this baby from going to the state! NO BABY DESERVES TO GO TO THE STATE!
I did find our that her other six kids are in state custody! This baby has to go to a family from the star that will keep her. I would LOVE for that to be our family, but I don't know if that is God's plan! I am open and willing, but there are some definite doors that would have to be opened for that to happen.
So please just pray for this birthmom! God will know who you are praying for! Pray that she makes an adoption plan for this baby, pray that she and this baby are kept safe...and selfishly, pray that she is ours! On that note, pray for unity in the P-tree house hold!
I definitly don't understand God's ways, but you can't say the Chrsitian walk is boring! ha!
John hasn't said I could, but I offered (disclosing that my husband hadn't given full permission) to go to wherever she is in jail and meet with her. I would LOVE to have this baby, however, I would be willing to go meet her just to keep this baby from going to the state! NO BABY DESERVES TO GO TO THE STATE!
I did find our that her other six kids are in state custody! This baby has to go to a family from the star that will keep her. I would LOVE for that to be our family, but I don't know if that is God's plan! I am open and willing, but there are some definite doors that would have to be opened for that to happen.
So please just pray for this birthmom! God will know who you are praying for! Pray that she makes an adoption plan for this baby, pray that she and this baby are kept safe...and selfishly, pray that she is ours! On that note, pray for unity in the P-tree house hold!
I definitly don't understand God's ways, but you can't say the Chrsitian walk is boring! ha!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
This post has been a long time coming! - Part Two
So I did explode...several times! My kids thought there mom had lost her mind, I am quite sure. I can remember one time having to leave the house and walk around it several times to calm down and wondering if I really was losing it! John would just look at me like I was nuts, well I probably was!
I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!
Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!
I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!
He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!
He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!
So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!
to be continued........
I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!
Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!
I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!
He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!
He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!
So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!
to be continued........
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