A Gotcha Day Remembered

Thinking about meeting Toben has brought back all kinds of memories of a very long day in June 2005. I had waited 4 days in Freetown, Sierra Leone to meet the little girl I had been trying to adopt for over a year. We were told every day that they would bring the children to us at the hotel. But one excuse after another came...and the days passed with out the children. Finally, we were on our way. We (me and the other two adoptive families) agreed to go to the "orphanage" to stay with the kids as that was familiar for them. (It turned out there never was an orphanage and the kids were not staying there, but with their bio families!). We were told it would be a 2 hour trip. Our only agency rep had gotten on a plane before we left the hotel....we were on our own! Looking back now, I know we weren't very smart in agreeing to go to the orphanage and leaving Freetown. But we were adoptive parents desperate to see our children! We thought this was what was best for them, so we agreed. We ended up picking up one child on the other side of Freetown. When we pulled up to the side of the road, the little girl was standing there with her bio mother and Victor, Eden's bio father. I knew it was him because he only has one leg. After a long time in the car and the men talking about plans...and finally we were back in the car.

We drove for about an hour and a half and then turned onto a side road. We thought this must be where the orphanage is. I got out of the car I was in and walked around the car. Then the man in charge said, "HollyAnn, this is the house of Freshnatu (Eden's African name)." I had no warning...I looked up and there she was! Just standing there looking at me and holding the hand of her Grandma. I don't remember anyone else standing there, but know from the picture that there was a whole crowd!
She stared at me cautiously and they all pushed her at me saying, "This is your mamma" I said it is ok! Just let her get used to me and I showed her the baby I had for her. She looked it over and then took it from me! We stared at each other for a minute, then they asked me if I wanted to see Addy's grave. So we walked over to a piece of tin and they moved it to reveal a mound of fresh dirt. I broke down....my other baby girl would forever rest in that place...I never held her, but loved her with all my heart!

We all piled back in the cars.....I had no idea where she was.....had I really met her? Was I dreaming? We drove for 3 more hours! By this time it was dark. We, the families, were all crammed into one taxi and we "thought" the guys from the NGO and the kids were behind us. Our driver would not speak to us. He would pull over on the side of the road at a village. It is darker than dark and he would get out of the car..not tell us where we were, where he was going, or when/if he would be back! All of us white folks were just sitting there...no one would say what we all wondered...was he going to get his buddies to help knock us off so he could take our money and passports? We never did know what he was doing, but each time he stopped the car, we were swarmed by kids and adults screaming "appatu!!" (white man!!). That is the only time in my life that I truly thought I was going to die. We would drive and drive in the pitch black. All the sudden there would be a police check point and you would see men with machine guns. We would all for a split second think we were ok...then it would hit us..this is not America and police doesn't mean safety here! I tried to call John with my cell phone, but there was no reception. When I did finally get a hold of him, I calmly told him where we were, to call the Embassy and to let everyone know in case he didn't hear from me again.

God granted us safety and we did eventually make it to the "orphanage", but the kids were not there and were not behind us. I didn't get to see Eden again until about 4:30 the next day. And only then after I got really ugly with the head guy and asked where she was! When she finally arrived with her bio dad, she walked into the room and just looked at me....I picked her up and sat her in my lap. They were watching TV (a movie called "Rich in the Lord" - that is a post for another day!). She just sat there.....then I reazlied that she had a tear running down her face....broke my heart! She was scared...too scared to move! So I took her into the room where I was staying and got some of the candy I had brought. She unrolled a roll of smarties and put it in a baggie with a bouncy ball I had brought for her. We went back into the room where the TV was. Little by little she warmed up. At one point, her hand was resting on my arm, I just remember looking down and seeing her dark hand on my fair arm and thinking, this is odd! Here she is! The fulfillment of my dream....right here in my lap! By the next day, she was bonded. She would come to me for whatever she needed. She would hold my hand on her own. She would play and look to see if I was watching. When we went back to Freetown, to the hotel, she didn't stay with me. When they would bring her to me, she would break away from them as soon as she saw me and run into my arms. The other two children being adopted never really got to that point. The little boy was scared to death the whole time, and the other little girl warmed up, but didn't bond exactly the way Eden did. What a precious little girl! What a precious time!

The last time I saw her, she was sick. So pitiful!
She didn't want anyone to hold her but me, and I gladly obliged! We just sat in the lobby of the hotel until it was time to board the helicopter to go to Dakar where we had prayed we would get her visa and be back in three days to get her. When it came time to get on the helicopter, she would not let go of me, she clung to me as if her life depended on it! Sheku took her from me, having to pull her intwined fingers off my neck. She was screaming, I was crying and the helicopter was buzzing. I told her I would be back, kissed the top of her head and headed to the helicopter. I didn't look back...I couldn't! Now, those last words I said to my little girl haunt me! I didn't go back! They didn't issue the visa, so I didn't go back. She bonded, trusted, and I deserted. No, it wasn't of my own will, but she doesn't know that! It hurts so bad to know I let down my daugther....I know, it wasn't me that made the decision, but in her eyes, I deserted her.

I really can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I see Toben, it will be forever! If he bonds immediatly like she did, there will be no leaving to come back. Yet, can I be positive of that until I am actually on the plane with him? The adoption director in my says, yes, you can! But the adoptive mom in me says, I can't go there just yet! Maybe when I see a visa with his picture and name, but as much as I try, I can't make myself go there just yet!

My prayer is that just as I know God, for whatever reason, allowed Eden to fully trust me, Toben will do the same! Noah turned his head to follow my voice around the room after being with us only 12 hours. My mother in law is the one that noticed it and said, "Look, God must have put your voice in his ears so he knows you are his momma!" I love that! So, God, put my voice in Toben's ears so he knows I am his Mamma! Let him know by my smell, my touch, my voice that he is safe now!