No time to wait....

I went shopping yesterday for the trip, well for Toben specifically! I found myself picking stuff up then putting it back and thinking, I will wait until closer to time to get that only to realize there is no more time to wait! I am amazed at how much blocking out I have done! When those moments come, it hits me like a truck! I have a baby boy coming home! Ok, so the case history still isn't done, but that is one piece of paper! I am traveling in three weeks (less than that now) to pick him up! So at this point the socks, underwear and clothes are no longer a dream or possible waist of time and money, but a necesity! Wow! So I washed the clothes yesterday and am starting to pack suitcases. I am determined not to procrastinate and be stressed out and sick before I leave! Since I have not emotionally experienced this adoption up to this point, I want to enjoy every second of the preparation process to travel! So the journey doesn't begin when I get on the plane, but rather right now! From now on, I am determined to enjoy the journey! Feel free to send me this post when I am whining later about part of the journey!

God's Perspective of Pain and Death

Thank you for all the encouraging comments and e-mails about the struggles with my family on our adoption! It really helps just to know others understand! I wish it wasn't so common a problem, but it is.

I had a great time with God this morning on just this issue. I am doing a Bible study that has a lot of self-reflection in it....YUCK! But it is good to dig up my issues and deal with them! This Bible study talks a lot about life and death..not literally, but more emotionally and physically. Death being the things that we see in our lives that cause pain and life being the things in our lives that bring happiness and joy. Of course, our human nature is to avoid all things that bring pain! But as I read in Romans this morning (a scripture I have read many times), I saw that God has such a different perspective of pain and death than I do! Melissa Haas says, "Love may be the universal language, but pain is the universal motivator.....Pain can be a good teacher and a tool in the Redeemer's hands for our good."

Let me make a distinction here. There are two kinds of pain and death as a Christian. One is a pain and death that I experience when I sin. When I turn my back to God and walk in a way that is not pleasing to him, then I will experience pain. The Bible clearly states that sin is death. The pain I experience in these times is a result of something I have done and is meant to turn me around and walk the other way....towards God. This is the same concept I use to discipline my children. If they do not follow my directions, there is a consequence that I hope is painful (not necessarily physically!) enough to keep them from doing that action again. But there is another pain in my Christian walk. There is a pain that God allows to refine who I am. To teach me to lean on Him more and more. It is the result of no negligence or ill doing of my own. This type of pain is the most difficult for me. Coming from a legalistic background, I have a core belief (a false belief by the way) that all pain is a result of my negligence in some way or another. If I am hurting it is because I did something that God disagreed with. If I am happy, then I must be right in the middle of God's will. Romans 6:14 dispels this false belief: "for you are not under the law but under grace."

As I have gone through life over the past 10 years, I have tried to avoid pain/death at all costs..natural, right? Yet not possible in the life of a Christ follower seeking to grow. God makes it clear in Romans 6 that death/pain brought about in the pursuit of God is in fact LIFE! .....therefore we have been buried...in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we might walk in newness of life.....if we become united with Him in death, certainly we will also be in the likeness of His resurrection....if we have died with Christ, we believe that we should also live with him.... so to there is no way to avoid pain altogether. The only pain/death I should purposely avoid is that caused by sin.

My problem with that is my core belief that pain means I have done something wrong. So when I decide to adopt a little boy from Africa and my family and even some friends make it clear they believe this is a irresponsible, plain stupid thing to do, I immediately question my own motives and start thinking I must be doing something wrong! But according to those scriptures in Romans, I am just experiencing death with Christ in order to share in His life! The life that this world will NEVER understand....they can't! I must realize at these times that the pain is not from my own actions, but from God refining me and run to Him to hide under His wings and to cling to Him just like my kids cling to me when they are scared! To align myself with Him...to find my security, satisfaction, joy in Him.

Boy that is so easy to see and to type, but oh so hard to do! When my parents react the way they do to me leaving my three to go get the one, I immediately feel like a worthless parent, I questions all my motives and fear raises up in me that the three will have to suffer way too much for the one. But the truth is that Matthew 18:12 says that a good shepherd will leave the 99 on the hill to go find the ONE that wandered off. And the truth is I would leave any number of my children to go find whichever ONE needs me! And that is what makes a good parent.

So this has to mean that the pain of my parent's/friends reactions is a pain that God is using to motivate me to draw closer to Him, to know Him more, to find rest, peace and joy in HIM! More of Him and less of me!

So my prayer this morning is that God would give me HIS perspective on pain and death! That I would willingly be crucified so that I can be raised with Him. That he would give me the wisdom to know when pain is a result of sin and when pain is just a result of Him growing me.

The Deed is done...and it turned out as expected!

I asked my parents to watch the children in the evenings and spend the night with them. The conversation went something like this:
Me: We have decided that John is going to Liberia with me.
Mom: Oh dear (in a tone that would make you think I had just told her that I had a terminal illness!). Why did you decide to do that?
Me: For me. I have way too much to do for the agency to go and just be mom. I could go as a mom or as an agency director, but I just can't do both. It is really emotional to be adopting and it would really help me to have that support.
Mom: I just don't know, HollyAnn. That is a lot and I just don' t know if we can. Let me check our calendar and talk to dad.
Me: We will hire someone to take care of Ava during the day and pick the kids up from school. So you would just be on duty from 5:15 or so in the evening until whenever you tell me you need to be free in the mornings. John's parents will take them on weekends.
Mom:It is just a lot, but we will talk about it.
Me: (trying to stay calm) If you don't think you can handle it, just let me know and I will find someone to help us. I don't want you to be here with the kids if it is going to be too much for you. It will be stressful enough for them having both parents out of the country.
Mom: Let me see what we can do. I hate for you to hire someone during the day for Ava when we are there (ok, let me think about this...it's too much to be with them in the evenings/night, but now you are telling me that you will keep Ava during the day?! huh???)
Me: well, just let me know and I will be looking for someone else in the mean time.

You know, one of my adoptive parents had a significant statement in one of her e-mails a few weeks ago. She said that satan doesn't have to worry about us Christians because we are killing each other off...this after she had been discouraged by another Christians comments about her adopting. I couldn't agree more with that statement in many ways, and in my world, I need to look no further than my own family to be ripped to shreds! ugh! I love them, but just wish they understood me more! Understood my motiviation is the Reknown of God, not my own gain or to drive them nuts!

After my late night last night, I am headed to bed a little early!

PS~If you are wondering what happened to my time line and my links....so am I! I tried to change my blog lay out at 1:30 this morning (that is just a bad idea!) and when I did, I lost all of that and the layout didn't work! So I will have to look up my dates and rebuild it!

Wide awake!

Well it is 12:25 and I am wide awake! The kids are at John's parents, and I should be enjoying a night of uninterupted sleep, but I can't go to sleep! Layed in bed for over an hour before giving up and getting up. Have done some laundry, worked on the budget, and then decided I might as well post my to-do list (at least as it stands now) for the next three weeks as I prepare for the trip. I figure that is probably what is keeping me up, so I might as well focus on it for a minute, then maybe I an get some sleep!
*check on what shots I need to renew
*call dr's office and order shots
*go get shots
*get Rx for Toben in case he gets sick
*make an adoption DVD that is needed when counseling birth parents
*copy and pack all needed documents to file the I600 and I864
*make sure families have all their papers also
*copy documents needed for in county like court decree
*get cash (all bills must be marked 2000 or after)
*buy clothes for Toben
*buy shoes for Toben
*develop check list for cases in Liberia for better communication
*develop spread sheet for Liberia
*make sure the kids are covered for care during the time we are gone
*make sure John and I have enough summer clothes for the trip
*buy shoes
*learn how to operate the new camera
*shop for the week we are gone for Callie, Noah and Ava
*leave presents for them to open while we are gone to make them feel special
*send out invitations to Callie's early b-day party since we are going to be gone
*plan/shop for party
*have the birthday party
*set up bunk beds
*buy flannel sheets for beds
*clean out Noah's room/closets to make room for Toben's things
*clean out girls' closets to make room to store the things now stored in Toben's closet (anyone out there a good organizer?!)
*hang the boys curtains and wall decos so he comes home to a finished room (yes we have lived here almost 6 months, but I just finished painting Noah's room last week)
*pack - that is a whole other list!

Just writing that list made me tired...now mabye I can sleep!
Good night!

Recipes wanted.....

I hate meal planning! I am trying very hard to turn my family's eating habits around. If any of you blog friends have good recipes that are healthy and kid friendly, I would love for you to share! I find that most of my meal ideas are not all the healthy! I really struggle with getting enough veggies and fruits in the menu that my kids will eat. I have unintentionally raised very picky eaters, and I want to change that as soon as possible!

So any suggestions would be great!

Still waiting.....part two!

Still waiting for the case history. He was supposed to talk to the ministry today, but I didn't hear how it went. Almost scared to ask! We are proceeding as if he will be coming home! John is going with me! YEAH!!! Not sure what we are going to do with the kids for sure yet, but asking God to provide for them in a way that will make it easy on them. I am having all kinds of fears about leaving them now, but I know John going is best for many reasons!

So we are still waiting and praying that the case history will be at the Embassy by January 22!

The walls are up!

I haven't posted in a couple of days because I really didn't know what to post. It has been a tough week. All these thoughts ramble around in my head, but none seem to be coherent enough to share! I know you find that hard to believe since I did get word from the Embassy that we have an appointment which means she will declare him an orphan.....but we still have to have all the paperwork there before that can happen! I talked to Pastor Wesley on Thursday morning (actually we were having serious conversation about my definition of updates and his) when I find out that Toben's case history that is needed for the file at the Embassy was not picked up on Tuesday like I had assumed since he told me that is what he would be doing. I didn't follow up and found out in that conversation that they wouldn't give it to him. Officials in Liberia can change the rules in the middle for no reason, and we have little recourse.....so Pastor Wesley didn't see it as a big deal. He says, come anyway and we will have it....glad he is so certain! I don't always share that certainty. I would probably tell another family I wanted them to wait until we have it in hand to make plane reservations, but since it is our case, I am going ahead with travel plans trusting God to provide the paper before we get there! So please pray the Ministry of Health will release the case history to Pastor Wesley this coming week so we will know that is taken care of!

That news brought all the walls up that I had started to let down! I have realized how much I have protected myself through this process! I really have not thought about Toben as my son at all. In fact, I feel so detached from the whole thing that I worry I will not have a reaction when I meet him. It will be just like meeting all the children in our children's home there. That is always emotional, but not on a personal level....just on a human with feelings level. I don't want to miss out on the special time because I have too many guards up to protect against hurt. So I am praying that God will help me put down the walls and envision this little boy in my arms so that I am somewhat attached to him before I get there!

John just told me tonight that if we can find someone to watch the children, he will go with me! Woohoo! So big prayer request....that we can find someone! It would be great to have him there, to not be alone in this process..especially with all the work I have to do while I am there. I would love for him to go with me to meet with officials, etc. I will keep you posted on that issue!


Here is a picture of my little guy....I wonder how old he really is? I don't think four, but it is just hard to tell!

HE'S COMING HOME!!

We FINALLY got an e-mail from the Embassy today. Toben is coming home! Praise God!!! We have our visa appointment set for January 22. This means I will leave January 19. I will be gone for Callie's birthday, but promised a big bash before I leave, and I think she is ok with that.

Now the panic hits! I have nothing ready to travel. Pray for me to get everything done over the next four weeks! The biggest prayer request right now is that our fingerprints that we had done today are processed miraculously fast so that we have our I171H in time to travel.

Off to bake teachers' gifts and dream of a home with FOUR children running around driving me crazy!
Love,
A very happy mommy of FOUR!

Still waiting.....

You would think I would be good at it by now...waiting that is! But I still stink at it! Called the Embassy. Didn't talk to the Consular, but did speak to someone...think it was the officer who schedules the appointments. She said to e-mail in order to schedule them. I told her I had already sent an e-mail, but didn't usually have very good luck with e-mails. I asked her when I should expect a response and she said maybe to the end of the day. I know you are going to find this hard to believe, but I didn't hear back from them! So I will call in the morning again! So keep praying, please!!!

John and I are driving to Lubbock for our fingerprints tomorrow. This is the last step of the INS process here and means we should have our I171H in 2-4 weeks...another prayer request! :) We have to have that before we can travel. I am trusting God to work together all these little details into the perfect timing for Toben Obadiah to come home......I love it when God puts me in these positions....ok maybe love is a strong word, but He puts me where I have no choice to show me what He, the author and perfector of my faith, can do!

so far so good....

I talked to Pastor Wesley this morning and so far, it sounds like it
all went well! He said the interview was short and she didn't say
anything she doesn't normally say. You have to LOVE Africans non-
interest in details! He didn't ask if it was all ok, but assumed since
she said it wasn't that it is. So I always hold my breath until I talk
to the Consular myself. Tried already, but they don't put calls
through to the Consular section until 2 there, which is 8 here....so I
am about to try to call! So keep praying, but sa far, so good!

awake and waiting.......

It's 5 am here, which means it is 10 am there. That should mean one of our biological parents is sitting before the Consular right now. I woke up at 4:50 and sat up straight in bed! I have been praying like crazy ever since! Oh how I wish I was there to know what was going on....but since I am not, I must trust......not so good at that these days.....back to my knees!

Scared to death!

In six and a half hours Toben's birth parents will be heading to the Embassy to have their interview with the Consular and I am scared to death! I know all the right answers, "God is in control", "whatever happens is in His will and for the best", "God is good all the time", "He has my best interest (and Toben's) at heart". But you know, the bottom line is tomorrow could have the same out come as Eden. There could be some refining God needs to do in me and will use a bad out come to do it. And frankly, I feel like I have been in the fire long enough that there are only ashes left as it is. I have done a good job of staying disconnected from Toben until last Wednesday. I started thinking about him coming home...started mentally preparing for that. Now if he doesn't get to come home, I will be heart broken...again!

But more than that, I have taken a journey to believe that God is good in this process...hence the name Toben. And my biggest fear is that this time tomorrow, if the news is not good, I will feel a wedge between me and my best friend, Jesus! That if the news is not what I want it to be, I will be flung head long again down that path of doubt and unbelief that I have spent the last 2 and a half years crawling out of step of grace by step of grace! Not that my lack of faith, trust or belief changes the truth that God is good and He is faithful, but when you are a human in the middle of heart break, that is just hard to swallow! I wish I could say I am mature enough to take a lickin' and keep on tickin', but I am not there yet!

I was listening to the radio while I was finishing painting Ava's room tonight. I heard the song, "Send the Rain" on the radio. It says to send the rain, send whatever it takes to bring Him glory. I wish I could sing that and mean it, but I can't. If bringing him glory means losing another child, I would rather have my child. On some level, I want Him to be glorified over anything else, or I would be on the paths in life that I am on right now, but to honestly say I would give up my child for Him yet again, I'm just not that mature yet.

So I pray He doesn't ask me to do that again! I pray that tomorrow I am woken by the ringing telephone to tell me all the Embassy interviews are over and all went well. That is one 4:30 am phone call I will not mind! ;)

But if the results are not good and Toben is not declared an orphan, my bigger prayer is that God will hold me up so that I can say, He is a good God and mean it from the heart! My biggest prayer is that sometime between now and when the news hits, I will have an undivided heart that longs for God's glory over any specific outcome! Oh God, bring Toben home........ yet not my will, but thine be done!

Shouting from the rooftop!

If this day gets any better, I will explode! Yesterday was one of the worst days I can remember, then today one of the best! I like today better!

Started off by having to call the Consular at the US Embassy which is one of the most frustrating tasks I have to do in life! After a week of trying to make contact, I finally am able to talk to her after losing it with the third person I talked to in the office. I really think she was convinced I was going postal and could get to her through the phone line! The Consular was very nice and appreciative of the way we handle our cases and we were able to set an appointment for Tuesday (Dec 18) for Toben's bio parents to come in and be interviewed. This is the last step for his process!

Then I call the local INS office whom I have not heard from them and the time frame they say to wait has lapsed! I explained that the Liberian government had everything ready to go and Toben would be ready to come home next Tuesday if all goes will with the Embassy. The officer was wonderful! Sent me the papers to get our fingerprints. Then when I checked e-mail this evening, saw that he had e-mailed again and wants me to e-mail him when we have done the finger prints so that he can be looking for them because he has reviewed our file and all is well!

Then to top it off, I got even MORE pictures of Eden! I tell you, it just doesn't get any better! Well, maybe a little better, John ended my day by bringing me flowers when he came home from work and taking me to dinner! Just a perfect day! Thank you, God!

So please pray with me that Toben's bio parents show up on Tuesday and answer all the questions of the Consular accurately. They have been through this process already when Toben's older brother was adopted in October. So I am fairly confident, but still a whole lot scared!

I realized today that I have not pictured Toben home....I have not played the home movies in my mind of walking off the plane with him in my arms...I did that for the first time this afternoon and the tears came in a flood! It may really happen this time! I just might have that little dark face in my family portrait that I have dreamed of! Oh God, let it be!

These are some pictures of pictures that my new and dear friend Kami took of pictures her friend took when she was in Liberia a couple of months ago. Kemi's friend went and saw Toben and loved on him for me. She said he had just woken up from a nap so hence the confused, sad look on his face! Thanks Kami for the pics!

Here she is!

I could hardly breath when I opened the e-mail and saw there were two from Sheku with attachments! I have new pictures of Eden.....after over two years, I get to see this precious face again! She is the one with the pencil looking right at the camera. She looks exactly the same! I would know that face anywhere! The last time I saw her was when they ripped her off my kneck to get on the helicopter. I thought I would be back in a couple of days to bring her home...that was two and a half years ago! The mommy in me wants to get on a plane tomorrow and start the process to try again! But I am calm. I am praying and listening for the answer. Just because we might CAN adopt her, doesn't mean we SHOULD! God has plans for her! Plans for a hope and a future, I just have to hear if that means being in our home or not. But at the very least, I know she is alive, in school and looks great!

Her dad only has one leg. The other was amuptated after an infection set in. He is in the hospital with an infection in the other leg, pneumonia and typhoid. Sheku says he has been there 8 months. He is going to see him to see what his thoughts are on the adoption. Sheku says the grandmother and uncle who is helping care for her right now are for the adoption. But you just never know. We still don't know the real story on the mother...is she dead, did she just abandon them? So I asked for clarification for that. We will see what we find out!

I really covet your prayers! We just want to walk in God's will on this! But I am so thankful He gave me another glance into her beautiful eyes! It is just unreal!

O Christmas Tree.....

John says I have a Christmas tree fetish...maybe he is right! I am not sure how it got started, but ever since Callie was a baby all the kids have had a small theme tree in their room to match the theme of their room. This is the first year that there are not trees even in the bathrooms! I make no excuses for my obsession! I LOVE Christmas and the warm feeling I get when it is cold outside and I am inside with all the Christmas lights on and my children beside me watching Elf!

The main tree........

Ignore the half painted walls behind this tree! It will be done before Chrsitmas because my brother and sister in law are coming and I don't want them to see the room this way!

Noah's Cowboy tree....

Ava's Pink and Brown tree.....

Callie's Hawaiian tree (hard to see in these pics, but it has hibiscus flowers and shell ornaments)....

Will I really see her?

We decided to send the money to have Sheku go to Eden (Freshnatu is her name there). I got this e-mail from him this morning:

I will take the journey today Monday as soon as i collect the money. hope to be back today but later when i come baack.hope to get you inform with details.I will ask the questions so as to get early clearance from the family of freshnatu.

English is a little sketchy, but you get the drift! I could possibly see her picture tomorrow morning when I wake up! I don't get my hopes up too much and am surprinsingly calm. But we covet your prayers so that we will know God's will in this! If His plan for her is to stay in SL, then that is where she needs to be. But if this is an open door to fufill a promise I thought I heard God tell me over two years ago, then I want to run through that door and swoop her up! This is when I wish I had a hand writing the exact instructions appearing on my wall!

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

I love Christmas! I have wonderful memories of magical times and I want to give my kids that. I know the real reason of Christmas is not Santa Clause or Christmas trees, but I love to turn my house into a Christmas wonderland as much as I can. So here is a glimpse of our home at Christmas......

My Liberian nativity that I love!

The dining room that we just finished! The wall with the mirror on it is the one that John built!

My Reindeer collection

Our village that we started collecting the first year we were married...well technically we didn't get married until the 27th! That was TEN years ago this month! Miracles do happen! hee!hee!

Gets cuter with every picture....

Got a new picture of Toben today! I swear he gets cuter with every picture I see! He is just too precious! I had to blow up the picture to see what his shirt said...it says, "sweet dreams" which means he is wearing pajamas! Anything goes in a third world country! Callie and I got a good laugh out of it! :)

Home is where my heart is......

This world is not my home.....that has really been driven home (no pun intended, I assure you!) the past two weeks. Even among those that I would consider my close friends, I am misunderstood when I stand up for what I believe is truth. I am a very black and white person and take a stand when I believe God is asking me to. I am finding that is a rare trait among most American Christians and will quickly get you ousted from the inner circle. That is easy to take form non-Christians as I know they don't understand the truth and God's word is clear that they will not understand what is spoken in the spirit. But it hurts so much worse when it comes from people who you would consider to be on the same team.

I e-mailed one of my spiritual mentors today and said I am just so lonely, but added that I guess the cross was pretty lonely too. The calling we have as Christians is not one of glory for us or comfort or even being happy. I am finding the road very rarely leading to my happiness, but yet there is a joy....a joy of knowing I am walking with Christ. I am finding that on days like today I cling to Him in a way that I never have before. Even my dearest friends at times will hurt me because they are human. This means that I too will hurt my dear friends because I am human, but there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me! He will always work for my good! Do you know Him? If not, let me tell you, He is worth the time to get to know! It is the one relationship that will always give back more than it takes! If you don't know my Jesus, I would love to introduce you!

Could it really be????

I e-mailed Sheku, the one guy that I really 'connected' with when I was in Sierra Leone. He told me his personal story of being an orphan, and I could tell it was real. He was the only one I really trusted by the time it was all over. I e-mailed to see if he knew anything about Eden. I sent the e-mail sometime last week so had pretty much given up on getting a response. But today there was one! Eden's dad had to move because he couldn't find a job where he was. He only has one leg because of an infection that caused him to have to amputate his other leg. I met him while I was there, so I know this to be true! Her Grandmother is still caring for her as far as I can tell, but she is not in school anymore because they cannot afford it.

Sheku said he would check on her if I would send him the money to make the trip and rent a camera and he would send me pictures....could I really see her again after more than two years? What does she look like? Will I recognize her....more importantly, will it be obvious that she is the right child? You always have to wonder a little about that!

Over the past two weeks, Sierra Leone has come up from different areas of my life like crazy. I don't know if God was preparing me for this or for the possibility of us starting a program there. A fellow mom with an adoption ministry sent me an e-mail from a Pastor in Sierra Leone who contacted her about placing children from his home with families. She is doing some more checking, but so far he looks legit. If so, then Eden could stay at this orphanage during the process. There are many pieces that have been put in front of me that would make her adoption possible, IF this is what God tells us to do. So that is the hard part! Is this really an open door and God saying its time for her to come home? Or is this just me trying to force something that is never supposed to be? We are home study approved for two. So we would not have to do anything except change one of our INS approvals to SL. We would be set to go!

I am surprisingly calm! I think it is because I know this is in God's hands! I am ok with that this time! He is worthy of anything He would ask me to go through with this! So I will sit, wait, be still and know that He IS GOD!

Thanksgiving...a little late

Here are the pictures I said I would post of Thanksgiving, but never did! I really didn't take enough pictures of thanksgiving. But here are a couple for you! :)

...just realized I haven't uploaded those pictures yet...stay tuned a little longer!

Like Mother Like Daughter

Ava received some gift cards from my brother and his wife for her birthday. After we found them again :) I went to Toys R Us to see what we could find. I picked out a couple of cute outfits then went down the toy isles. I remembered that she has been stealing Callie's baby dolls, so decided to go buy her one of her own like Callie's. When we got to them, she went nuts pointing and doing her ah, ah, thing she does (since we still have no vocabulary!). I put three of them in front of her. A white one with blue eyes like her, a white one with green eyes and a black one with brown eyes. She immediately grabbed the black one and pushed the others away! I have always said that God put the love of dark children in my heart from an early age! Both of my girls love their black dolls more than any others! I think that is just the coolest! So here are some pics of Ava loving her baby! I can't wait to post pics of mommy loving her dark little boy to go along with my girls loving their dark babies! ;)