Scared to death!

In six and a half hours Toben's birth parents will be heading to the Embassy to have their interview with the Consular and I am scared to death! I know all the right answers, "God is in control", "whatever happens is in His will and for the best", "God is good all the time", "He has my best interest (and Toben's) at heart". But you know, the bottom line is tomorrow could have the same out come as Eden. There could be some refining God needs to do in me and will use a bad out come to do it. And frankly, I feel like I have been in the fire long enough that there are only ashes left as it is. I have done a good job of staying disconnected from Toben until last Wednesday. I started thinking about him coming home...started mentally preparing for that. Now if he doesn't get to come home, I will be heart broken...again!

But more than that, I have taken a journey to believe that God is good in this process...hence the name Toben. And my biggest fear is that this time tomorrow, if the news is not good, I will feel a wedge between me and my best friend, Jesus! That if the news is not what I want it to be, I will be flung head long again down that path of doubt and unbelief that I have spent the last 2 and a half years crawling out of step of grace by step of grace! Not that my lack of faith, trust or belief changes the truth that God is good and He is faithful, but when you are a human in the middle of heart break, that is just hard to swallow! I wish I could say I am mature enough to take a lickin' and keep on tickin', but I am not there yet!

I was listening to the radio while I was finishing painting Ava's room tonight. I heard the song, "Send the Rain" on the radio. It says to send the rain, send whatever it takes to bring Him glory. I wish I could sing that and mean it, but I can't. If bringing him glory means losing another child, I would rather have my child. On some level, I want Him to be glorified over anything else, or I would be on the paths in life that I am on right now, but to honestly say I would give up my child for Him yet again, I'm just not that mature yet.

So I pray He doesn't ask me to do that again! I pray that tomorrow I am woken by the ringing telephone to tell me all the Embassy interviews are over and all went well. That is one 4:30 am phone call I will not mind! ;)

But if the results are not good and Toben is not declared an orphan, my bigger prayer is that God will hold me up so that I can say, He is a good God and mean it from the heart! My biggest prayer is that sometime between now and when the news hits, I will have an undivided heart that longs for God's glory over any specific outcome! Oh God, bring Toben home........ yet not my will, but thine be done!