The Journey: Just Kidding!

When people talk about foster to adopt, this is why they say, "No Way!" This is what I was afraid of. Baby Girl is not in my home yet, but I already love her! I have tried to prepare myself ever since we decided to walk in obedience to become certified foster parents for loving and letting go. I just don't know how to do it without losing a piece of my heart!

Court was cancelled yesterday because of the snow. It is rescheduled for Friday at 2:30. Last time I talked to the CPS investigator, she told me that she would be recommending us as the placement for Baby Girl. Then yesterday Sally's mom calls me and is upset because the investigator is now telling her that because of our connection with Sally we may not be the best placement for Baby Girl. Um, I thought that was the whole point of placing a baby in a relative or fictive kin placement! The system was placing the baby in a place where they could stay connected to their biological family. But now, the investigator is saying that since we didn't know the family for a long period of time, they can't say to place the baby with us. I talked to her today. Very hard person...although I am sure you have to be on some level to do her job. So on one hand she is telling me Baby Girl shouldn't be placed with us because we have too many connections to Sally and on the other hand, we can't be the placement because we don't have enough history with Sally. Are you confused? Me too!! Not sure what happened between Friday when she tells me she will recommend us as the placement for Baby Girl (I told her that day that we had just met Amanda even though I had known about her for some time) and now when she doesn't seem to think it is a good idea anymore. Makes me go, "hmmmm?"

I have to go look at all the laws and regulations, but that just doesn't sound right to me. In a system where a foster parent can't even cut a child's hair without biological parent ok, they can't place the baby with a clean choice of the family's for placement?! Seriously?!

Please pray for us! Pray for Baby Girl! Pray that I have the heart to accept whatever God's will is for this baby and family. Pray that God will protect Baby Girl in all this! Pray that the supervisor that the investigator is talking with will tell her that a placement recommended by the family that checks out needs to be recommended to the judge so that we will be determined as the placement by the judge. John and I will be at court on Friday no matter what. We will fight for Baby Girl with her biological family until they give up or tell us they no longer want us in the picture. I'm just scared of the system. I don't want this baby to be moved numerous times, but I don't think growing up with parents who are in their later 40's to early 50's is a good idea for a 7 week old baby, either. The current foster parents are that age.

I just keep reminding myself of the Truth: God has a plan for Baby Girl, a plan for her future, for a hope for her. He has a plan for me, my family and her biological family too. He loves Baby Girl more than I or anyone else ever could as He created her, He knit her together in Sally's womb. God has ordained her days and my days before even one came to be. If Friday is ordained as the day she comes to live with us, then it will be so. If not, then it will not. For the first time today, I felt led to pray that Baby Girl comes to live with us. Up to now, I had just prayed for God's perfect will. Today, I felt the Holy Spirit impressed upon me to ask for her to be in my home. I know prayer paves the way for heaven's will to be done here on earth. If Baby Girl doesn't come to us on Friday, it won't be because I didn't ask! And if she doesn't, well, God will pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together again.

The Journey: Met her, held her, loved her!

Yesterday was a big day! I took "Sally" to her visitation. So I got to meet Baby Girl and Sally's mom. Baby Girl is beautiful! She is a chunky baby! So big for only 7 weeks old! But she is gorgeous! My kids all loved her! Callie help her, and Toben kept asking when we get to take her home.

We thought we would know that answer today. But God decided to send a blizzard, well at least that is what it looked like to to us West Texas folk, and poured down more snow than I have seen here in centuries! Not sure how much we got, but it was a good 3-4 inches in our front yard. When you get snow like that in West Texas, EVERYTHING shuts down...and that includes courts. :( So it is rescheduled for Friday at 2:30.

Plenty of time to set up the baby bed. But man, my heart it killing me! It wants to love that precious baby so much! But I just can't fully let it until I know she will be in our home. I thought it might be hard to love a foster child since I know there is a chance that they will leave. That was put to rest yesterday! The minute she was in my arms, I was wrapped...right around her chubby little finger! She has these large brown/black eyes that would turn and look at me whenever I talked. Melted my heart each time she did it! Noah did the same thing when we brought him home from the hospital.

Callie is learning patience as she is having the hardest time with the postponement of the court date. And I am continuing to learn how to keep doing the little things and not being distracted by the big things!

Plastic Surgery

We did it! I have wanted plastic surgery for months now! I finally got the guts to do it, but John wasn't so excited about the idea. However, we started Financial Peace University last Sunday, and this time John didn't argue! So after lunch, I got out the scissors, told him to hand over his credit cards, got mine out and we had a big ceremony with the kids...chop, chop! No more credit cards! Woohoo!!!!

Financial Freedom, here we come!!!!

I am determined to see every little blessing that God brings as we walk this path to financial freedom. It is not just about paying off debt or not using credit cards. It is all about walking in obedience to God's word! It is about not being a slave to a lender (Proverbs is FULL of verses about this)! It is about living on what we make, not on what we think we are entitled to make or have. It is being thankful for what God has provided, not wanting more than He has given.

Last Sunday right after the plastic surgery (in case you haven't figured it out yet, the plastic surgery was the cutting up of the credit cards! :) ), I had to deliver a lamp that I had sold on Craigslist to the lady who bought it. She was working at a cupcake bakery right by our house. I was glad to take the lamp to her, but I had a little sadness that I was going to this really cool cupcake place, but I couldn't buy my kids a cupcake.

When I got there, they were about to close for the day. I gave the lady the lamp, and she gave me her money. Small blessing number one: she was going to give me $8 for the lamp, but handed me a $10 and told me she didn't want any change. You may say it is only $2, but to me it was God saying, "see, I am already blessing your efforts!" THEN (blessing number 2:), she asked Ava if she wanted a cupcake! Ava of course, said yes. But it didn't stop there, she asked me how many kids I had at home. I told here there were four total, and she handed me a BOX OF CUPCAKES so all my kids could have one!!!!! That may seem silly to some, but to me it said, "Daughter, I even care enough about your desires that I am providing your children whom I love more than you ever could with a special treat!" It isn't about the cupcakes! It is about God showing me that He was thrilled with my steps of obedience and His encouragement to me that this wasn't going to be a horrible journey of denial and misery....instead it is going to be a journey of seeing God provide for us when there is a need...and even sometimes when there is a totally frivolous want....like cupcakes!

The Journey: Baby Girl

So the journey continues! All would be proud of me as I have been to Target AND Wal-Mart and have not bought anything pink! :) I tried, but with doing Dave Ramsey and not totally sure we are getting Baby Girl, everything I put in my basket ended right back on the rack! Well, I do have one confession...I am currently winning a new baby sling on ebay! Never had one with my other kids, but also was not working! Baby Girl will hopefully love the sling and will stay nice and quiet in there while I work...I can dream for now, can't I?!

Honestly, I haven't really thought a lot about Baby Girl. Really just yesterday did I even start thinking about what would actually happen if she did come to live with us. Really not sure what to do with all the emotions and thoughts right now. So I try not to think about it too much.

Didn't have any contact with "Sally" yesterday. Talked to her some today as I am going to try to take her around town tomorrow to help with some of the steps to get Baby Girl back. We will see how that goes. Looks like I may also get to meet baby girl when I take "Sally" to her visitation. But I will also have all four of my kids with me, so will play that by ear!

Today in church was the first time that the overwhelming emotions really came! During praise and worship, we were singing a song that talks about being surrounded by God's loving arms. I lost it! Out of nowhere this wave of emotion over came me. Last night as I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, I kept asking God if I needed to put the baby bed up. I don't know what CPS would do if they came to drop her off and we didn't have a baby bed set up. It is in the attic...we can have it down and set it up in less than an hour. So more than likely between when we go to court and Baby Girl actually arrived (IF the judge decides to place her with us), we would have time to get it all set up. I knew John wouldn't be too excited about setting it up before we know for sure she is coming, but I wanted to ask God for His input.

I felt a resounding answer: set up the bed! For practical purposes, the baby bed can stay in the attic until we know for sure. However, God showed me that I wasn't putting the baby bed up because I didn't want to face an empty baby bed if His will for right now is to leave Baby Girl in the home she is currently in...if God's will for right now is for me to minister to Sally and work with her and not Baby Girl. I am really ok with that and excited to have the opportunity to work with Sally. But I also would love to know Baby Girl is in a safe Christian home...particularly, my safe, Christian home! God was telling me that I have to learn to quit stuffing all these emotions that come with the roller coaster of fostering/adoption and feel them and trust Him with them! From the time Eden didn't come home, I have really struggled with reconciling my emotions with my faith and reality and trusting God all at the same time! So I have developed this coping mechanism of just denying all feelings so I don't have to deal. Well, that only works for so long!

And God showed me last night that stuffing and pretending the emotions don't exist doesn't allow me to trust Him and rest in His love while I feel all the emotions. So when I was singing about being surrounded by God's love, the fears let lose! But it was a good release! It was so awesome to "feel" all the fears and still feel safe! In that moment, I knew that through the past 4 years since Eden didn't come home, I have learned to trust God with my heart again!

So we will put the baby bed up. Not because we have to, but because it is a physical symbol that no matter what happens, I am trusting God with my heart. Even if that baby bed is empty this time next week, I will be ok! I will be disappointed (and I'll let you in on a little secret....John said he will be too! :) )and maybe even a little sad. But I will be ok! AND it is ok to be disappointed and sad!

Tomorrow will be a long day! Finger prints in the morning, delivering documents to the fostering agency, driving Sally around wherever she needs to do for a couple of hours, then taking her to visitation. That said, I better get to bed!

The Journey

Well, this Journey seems to have taken the fast track!

My parents' church has a wonderful homeless ministry. One of the young ladies coming to this ministry had a baby in December. Mom has told me about her several times. Well, last week Mom told me CPS had taken her baby. My heart broke! I am not bashing our CPS here, but we all know the system has some issues. There are WONDERFUL foster homes...many of my foster home friends read this blog...I am so thankful for Christians who are stepping up and saying we will do this because these children need good, loving Christian homes to love them even for the short time they are with us. But we also know there are not so good homes out there. And unfortunately at this time, I think the bad ones outnumber the good ones. Anytime I hear of a child entering CPS, I wonder, "Is this precious one in one of those good home, or are they being more damaged where they are now than where they came from?"

God put a burden in my heart...not for just the baby, but for the mother. So I called the lady at Mom and Dad's church who has been working with the mom. As we talked, I was amazed at how similar her story is to Noah's birth mom! I felt immediately connected to her! I told Sandra that I would be happy to talk to the birth mom (I'll just call her Sally to protect her identity) if she wanted me to. I explained that we were in the process of being licensed foster parents and would be willing to care for the baby to make sure she was in a safe, loving, Christian home. Sally is no where near talking adoption. She wants nothing to do with adoption. I assured Sandra that we were open to caring for Sally's baby as long as we needed to....even after she left CPS care if that is what Sally needed without pushing for adoption. I pray that if Sally doesn't change her lifestyle she will eventually trust us or some family enough to place the baby in that home permanently in adoption, but pushing for that is not going to make Sally consider it! Sally has 4 other children who do not live with her, but I believe there is always hope for change. Maybe this baby is the one that will give her the motivation she needs to turn things around.

I don't think I am any different than the many other people who have tried to help Sally. But I knew that God was writing John and I into this story for some reason. God seems to ALWAYS take us through personally what he is taking the agency through. With us in the process of developing a domestic program with the intention of working with CPS to get kids into permanent homes, I figure this is just our personal journey to give us the insight of what parents go through. This way we can serve them in a more personally way having been down the path ourselves. It is also giving me a good taste of what working with birth mothers will mean. I LOVE it! Even though I received 20 texts yesterday :), I LOVE it! I love speaking life into a life that seems hopeless! I love looking at a girl who thinks she has nothing to offer and telling her that she is making her own choices and the outcome of those choices are pretty clear cut. Sally has a victim mentality, but that can be overcome too! It will just take a lot of encouragement and truth...and her choosing to overcome it. But what a blessing to be part of the process!

So let me back up! I talked to Sandra on Tuesday. Sandra said that Sally would probably be coming to the service they hold for that ministry on Thursday night. I gave Sandra my cell number and told her to have Sally call me, or if she wanted me to, I could come to the church that night and talk to her face to face.

John and I talked. We felt God was definitely saying to walk forward and trust Him with whatever happened or didn't happen. So for the first time one of these types of things comes into our lives with a child, I didn't get derailed and consumed! A sure sign of growth! I went about the little things in life that needed to be done instead of focusing on the "BIG" thing that might not even happened! It was a productive week! :)

My wonderful parents had already planned to come over Thursday night to watch my three youngest while I went to Zumba and took Callie to her praise team rehearsal at church. I have been amazed at all the "little" details God has worked out already in this process!! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss a single one as each of them is a little whisper of God saying, "I am totally into details! See that! See this! I care!" And that spills over into ALL areas of my life! So I was headed to Zumba as I was not counting on a phone call at all...just open! I had just gotten out of the car when the phone call came. So I told Callie I had to leave and why. After the screaming an dancing :), she jumped back into the car. I promptly told her she was not invited, I had to talk to the mom alone, and she had a rehearsal to go to. Now let me share another detail...on the way to the church, the parent of Callie's friend who does the praise team with her had called and offered to bring Callie home! All details were taken care of for me to go minister to this young lady as long as I needed to! Thank you, Jesus!

I went and met with Sally. She immediately put a piece of paper in front of me. I asked what it was and it was the form from CPS for her to write down potential placement/support people. So I filled it in and we spent the next 45 minutes talking about what she needed to do in order to get baby girl back! The first thing is a job! So we talked about how to do that, etc. There were lots of excuses and some untruths I found out the next day, but that is all this poor girl knows. As I learned with Noah's birth mom, only by the grace of God did I know grow up just like them without the advantages I had in a wonderful, middle class, Christian home with loving parents! I could just have easily grown up with a druggie mom and abusive dad and lived from apartment to apartment and even in a car sometimes. There is no room for judgement! Only love and truth. I prayed on the way to the church that God would give me HIS eyes to see her and His words to say to her.

By the time I left, she had given me her social worker's phone number and asked me to call her. I did Friday morning. And another miracle, SHE ANSWERED! These poor people are so overworked, they rarely have time to answer a call! But she did! She wasn't sure what to do with me I am sure...calling on behalf of the mom, but supportive of the system...I'm sure that was a first for her! :) I explained our situation and being verified, etc. We hung up...oh, did I mention John is in Austin this whole week when all this is going on?! God's timing is so hilarious sometimes! Within 15 minutes, the social worker called me back and asked for our information to run the background checks and told us to be at court Tuesday at 2:30. She is going to recommend us as the placement for the baby. Not sure that has soaked in even now! And it is totally up to the judge, so there is no guarantee that we will get her. But that will be her recommendation!

In the course of my conversations with Sally and the social worker, we finally set up a visit with Sally and baby girl for Monday that I have to take Sally to because she doesn't have transportation.

I love that I get to minister to the mom! I'm nervous about what that will mean if we do get the baby and how that will all play out. I have done several "what if's" and God quickly reminded me He is big enough to handle ALL of those! I am praying for a heart for Sally even after baby girl is in my home! I am praying for a heart that can love a baby like my own that I know may not stay. I'm nervous about child number 5! But I was nervous about child number 3 and 4 also, and now I can't imagine life without them! I have come to LOVE having a large family! I love what it does to my kids....they don't always get my undivided attention, I am having to tell them no to some wants, but that is real life! And I see it transforming them into at least somewhat less selfish people!

We are not setting up the baby bed. We are not buying pink (VERY hard!). But we are preparing the kids and our hearts to love a 2 month old bi-racial precious baby should God chose to put her in our home on Tuesday.

Pray for us if we come to mind, would ya? Pray for "Sally" and baby girl! Pray that God's will be done in all of us! I can't even pray that God would place baby girl in our home because I don't know for sure that is what our role is in this story! I love that I am in that place! In the past, I would be so consumed with the thought of getting to have another baby that it would cloud the rest of my thinking, but I can honestly say that I have NO AGENDA here but GOD'S! And that my friends is a heart transformed! I love my God!!!!

Great Shirt & Great Cause

Karen went to Liberia with me in February. She and her husband (and daughters) are adopting a little boy and little girl from Addy's Hope. We formed a special bond during our trip in February, and God firmed up a calling Karen felt ever since her trip to Uganda the year before.

Now Karen, Duane and their three girls are answering God's call to the mission field. They are raising money to go to Liberia over Spring Break with the intention of firming up details and confirming the call they feel to long term missions in Liberia.

It is my great honor to walk with them through this! They are selling the these beautiful t-shirts as part of their fundraiser. Their goal is $20,000 which will get them over there, lodge them, provide food and also purchase a car for Addy's Hope. Will you help them?

To order a t-shirt go or to read more about this amazing family go to her blog.

Thanks in advance! And for those who know my horrible ability to get things in the mail that I use for fundraisers on my trip....Karen is MUCH more organized than I! :)

Comments

I have removed comments from my blog. If you know me, you know how to get in touch with me to leave a response to a blog post. I enjoy my friend's comments, so please e-mail them to me. I just don't enjoy the comments of people who don't know me and therefore don't have a clue about what they are talking about when they comment.

I just have a different philosophy about blogs than most people, I guess. I read blogs...the ones I don't agree with I either stop reading or just don't comment about as I feel it is their blog and their feelings. I don't feel it is doing anything constructive to criticize anyone on their blog whether I agree or not. If I don't agree, I don't have to read it. And if I know them well enough to have concerns about what they post, I let them know my concerns in a non-public forum.

I still think it is important for us to live our lives transparently. However, I don't feel that it gives everyone in the world the right to criticize. I obviously am a little in the minority in this thinking...but I practice what I preach in that I don't leave criticism on the blogs I read either. I believe in supporting people through their blogs.

Thanks to my friends who have been so supportive of me in my "commentors" posts! You guys rock! :)

Dear Non-Public Profile Commentors,

Ever wonder why Christians aren't transparent? Take a look at the comments to many of my posts! I am transparent because I want other Christians to know I am not perfect like so many pretend to be. You know, put on the happy face and pretend you have it all together while the rest of us who are just honest aren't stable enough to pursue what God has for me.

Lovindaisies, I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. In fact, your profile isn't even available for me to have a remote idea of how you found my blog. If you are going to criticize you should at least put your identity out there. You don't have to agree with me. And if you knew me and was in the intimate details of my life and were one of the people whom I ask to speak truth into my life, then I would gladly receive it. But since none of those are true, let me ask you a question....why can't I hear God as clearly as Abraham? Do you not know that I serve the same God that Abraham served? Do you know that according to Matthew 11:11, there is no one (even Abraham) born of women who is greater than John the Baptist, yet the one who is least in the kingdom (so even if you think I am least because you see me as emotionally unstable) of heaven is greater than he! That means me...and you if you are a Christ Follower! So, yeah, I can hear God the same as Abraham! In fact, I have something Abraham didn't...I have the Holy Spirit who is my Counselor sent to abide with me and each of us who ask Jesus to be Lord of our lives! So in fact, I have a more intimate relationship with God than Abraham did! Because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and you, on the cross, I can go to the Father anytime I want through Jesus who sits at God's right hand in order to say "Not Guilty" at the attacks the enemy hurls at me in God's presence. Abraham had to wait for God to come to him or a Priest to take his prayer at the appointed time into the Holy of Holies. If you would like all the scripture references for the truths I just cited to check my theology, let me know. I will gladly look them up for you.

Or are you among the Christians who believe that God quit speaking when the Bible was finished? If so, then I can see where you have issue with the way I choose to live my life as none of it would make a bit of sense to you. You are looking at it through the limitations of a God who no longer performs miracles or calls us to do things beyond ourselves. Now, as I said, I don't know you, so I won't make those assumptions about you because that would be doing to you what you did to me. But regardless of what you believe, I believe that God is looking back and forth about this earth for people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. I believe when He sees me, He sees an honest soul that wants her life changed by His power and wants to take a whole bunch of people with her on the journey instead of sitting silently in fear of judgement of people like you.

Am I emotionally stable? Well, considering all the Holy Spirit has whispered to me as I wrote this, I would say I am more than stable! My feet are planted on the Rock! As long as I choose the path He has for me, seek the counsel of those who know me and I trust because they share my belief in a God who is looking for a people group who want to see His miracles instead of putting Him constantly in a box, then yes, I am more than stable enough! My foundation is built on a Rock, not sinking sand! If I let the advice of those like you who don't know me derail the plans God has for me, that Lovindaisies would make me unstable!

To those who read my blog and like Lovindaisies may feel the need to comment because you think I am off in left field and without your comment that is from your hidden profile I will not have any truth spoken into my life, all sarcasm aside now, let me assure you that I make a practice to surround myself with people who I trust to be Godly and wise people to speak truth into my life. I make sure they are people just as strong as me that will not be intimidated by a strong personality and will flat out tell me when I am way out there! I seek those people out in accountability. In fact, I am meeting with one weekly right now. So don't feel the need to leave comments thinking if you don't, no one will speak truth to me. I'm trying to give you all doing that the benefit of the doubt here. And since you have never met the partner God gave me for this life, he has no problem standing up and telling me where I am wrong either! So all of you hidden profile commentors that don't know me can rest easy that truth will be spoken into my life if you don't...and since you don't really know me, maybe you shouldn't!

To quote a previous blog post of mine...probably one that made Lovindaisies think I was unstable ~ hee!hee! ~ I think this is a most appropriate time for this quote:


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!

Bring it on! Bring it on! This scripture just came to life for me as I responded to the comment on my lost post! For Christ's sake I delight in insults, in persecutions...I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time! Confidence is back! The enemy will defeat me no more because I know Whose I am and to Whom I belong and Who calls me to care for His children. Stable? Yep! Rock Solid!

The Journey

So I posted my "to do" list for The Journey...well, just a partial to do list! There are many more things to be done!

So what is "the journey"? Well, it is foster parenting. Hopefully foster/adopt, but at this point, I'm truly not sure what God is up to!

For two years He has been telling us to get licensed. We would look into it, but then we would hit a roadblock, call it a wall and stop. Honestly, I have wanted to run like the wind! I don't want to foster! My definition of foster is pour your heart out hoping to make a difference in the life of a child/children then watching your heart break in a million pieces as it falls out when the child is removed. I've lost children...one to miscarriage, one to death during adoption, one to a parent changing their mind and one to a failed adoption. I have said good bye as many times as I have gotten to hang on! I don't like good bye! So why would I foster? Because God said so!

Through a course of events over a two month time period, God placed foster care in front of me almost daily if not hourly! It wasn't the total consumption I had when we adopted Noah, but it was definitely evident God was getting my attention and it wasn't going away!

One of the reasons we hadn't pursued it was the timing could not be worse! We see the agency expanding, I need to work more not less. How do I care for more children with less time at home and more time at work? (Perhaps typing with one said child on my lap as I am currently!) There were a couple of other pretty serious personal issues going on that would seem to say there could note a stupider (yes, that's a word! At least in HollyAnnisms!) time to try to pursue foster parenting or adoption!!!

John and I both went to God on our faces together and separately to make sure we weren't just adding to our plate to avoid other issues. We both came back with a resounding, YES! We were to start the process.

As I often do, I got on TARE to see what children are available in Texas. If you have known me long, you know that I love babies! Adopting Toben as a toddler was a real faith journey for me. I have many reasons for my aversion to older child adoption, which will have to be a post for another time. However, the longer I work in adoptions, the more God changes me in many areas...and this is one of them. However, there is still a logical and motherly part of me that goes off in my head every time older child adoption is brought up in our home. That part says, "there are only so many children that can live under our roof at one time (although that number seems to be growing in mine and John's mind) and every non-baby that comes in means one less baby I will ever be able to rock and nurture. Even with that side of me well intact, I fell in love! Not with a baby, not with one baby...I fell in love with six, yes six, children! Baby? Not hardly! Ages range from 7-16. John was shocked! This is way more his type of adoption than mine! He has always had a heart for CPS and enjoys the children more the older they get. But not me! I want the baby! Two days old when I get them is two days too old! But something about these kids pierced my heart. So I took them to John. He prayed and agreed. I e-mailed the social worker and we got the usual response...get back to me when you have a home study!

So the The Journey began! We decided to go with a Child Placing Agency instead of CPS for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I think that might not have been the best idea, but it is where we are for now. We aren't exactly fast tracking the process. Life happens...and money is needed for things like a fence around the pool pump and extra locks on doors, etc. This at a time when we are already financially strapped due to the strain placed on us by the need in Liberia with adoptions on hold. So we are taking it one day at a time doing what we can and trusting God for the perfect timing.

We have completed all but one class in the foster parent training. We hoped to have that done by the end of this month, but since we haven't heard anything about any training am assuming that isn't going to happen. Would get upset about that, except, there are many things I need to be doing that I haven't. So if I want to point a finger for slowing things down, I would have to point it my direction!

We did get to a point in the trainings and in the process with the six kids that we had to make some solid decisions. Since statistics show that 85% of children in state care have been sexually abused, we changed how we looked at the potential placement. We went from, "what if they have been" to "they HAVE been" and how will we protect them and our other four children? We called our favorite realtor and amazing friend Laura to see what the odds were of selling our home. We even looked at a house in a small town close enough for John to commute in order to see if we could have more bedrooms and cut our living expenses. After finding out the house market wasn't really great for us to try to sell right now, we called contractors to see what possibilities we had for adding on or dividing bedrooms. We have HUGE bedrooms right now, and we had plenty of rooms and space to meet minimum standards, but minimum standards wasn't going to keep all the kids divided in a way that we felt we could keep acting out from occurring.

We also had to make a decision as being able to bring these 6 children into our home would require a group foster home license in the state of Texas. The law allows for only 6 children to be in a foster home...4+6=10. Well, foster home didn't work. But group home meant we couldn't have a placement under the age of 5! So much for my dream of my dark faced baby girl!

So John and I both checked our dreams, fears, anxieties at the door! We told God that we would do whatever His will was for us and these children! We told VERY few people as we knew the response we would received. Some were amazing and supportive understanding our hearts. Others thought we were nuts. We got the typical, "What about your children now? How do you protect them?" I struggled with that too! Sexual abuse is a very real issue in older and even younger child adoption when you look at the state! It is something that has touched me in a very personal way in my adult life. I know it is something that is never to be taken lightly and has life-long consequences for the victim, the perpetrator and those who love both! Why would I risk even the chance of bringing something like that into my home? Because God said so!

As I wrestled through this myself and brought this question before God, He brought to mind Abraham. What would we as Christ followers say to Abraham today? We profess to believe the Bible as real. That means there was once a man who walked this earth just as we do who heard God tell him to put his son on the alter, tie him down and raise a knife to kill him. God asked the father to do all these thing and then God provided the ram for the sacrifice. Well, that gives a new perspective, doesn't it? I am sure that being tied to an alter and having your father raise a knife to kill you could not have been good for Isaac's psyche or attachment and bonding! But God said do it! So Abraham did! I should do the same...well, I don't mean actually tie my kids up and raise a knife to them...no children sacrifices here, don't worry! But being willing to "sacrifice" my children for what God calls me to do is a reality! And He will protect them as He sees fit or not and grow them through it all in the process. I am sure this will be seen as irresponsible by many, but all I have to say to that is, do you believe the Bible or not? And what would you tell Abraham, one of our heroes of our faith?

After about six months of the process and fully surrendering our desires, fears and comforts for whatever God had, we learned that these children based on their desires would not be a good placement. The door was shut. I was even a little disappointed. I had already planned how to make all the football and basketball games as well as make sure the elementary kids had done homework, etc. I had already starting planning what life with 10 would look like. I was ready, as ready as you can possibly be, to parent teens. So there was some sadness, but God in His love for me even gave me an extra piece of the puzzle that showed strong evidence that these children would be placed in a family that they wanted. And that brought great peace! This journey is hard enough with children who want to be here! It is silly to twist an arm to make them be in your home for the rest of their lives!
So we are back to the drawing board! We are on The Journey with no idea where the path is leading....except in obedience! My heart is still for a dark faced baby girl! It has been my heart's desire since 2004 when we started the process for Eden and Addy. But I am fully trusting God. Scared to death, but fully trusting! Scared we will have a placement that has to leave. Scared we will have a placement that makes life harder than it already is, and some days I don't think I will make it now.

But the resounding theme in my life has been: Just about the time I can handle life, God adds a layer of trust required in order to keep me on my knees! And frankly, on my knees is the safest place to be...no matter what circumstances may mean.

So if you have ever thought of fostering and haven' t done it because of fears or doubts or just no knowledge of the process, come along! I will title all posts about this "The Journey" so that you can easily find them. I hope to be as transparent is allowed on this public forum so that those thinking about it will go from thinking to doing! I promise to not sugar coat it! I promise to be real. There's a surprise, huh?!

So come on, let's go! Take The Journey with me!

The Other Side

This is a picture of the other side...the stereotypical other side of the tracks. I don't live in a big city, so I don't think you would call this inner-city, but it shares many of the same characteristics of the inner-city you find in Dallas, Austin, LA, etc. I've always known it was there, but lately, it seems to be calling my name.

Callie is in the gifted program which in our school system means that she goes to a different campus for two days a week. This campus is on the other side of the tracks. She rides a bus from our home school, so I don't find myself over there very often. However, the last couple of times I have had to go, I find myself a little lost and wanting to stay that way! I don't want to leave the neighborhoods filled with tattered houses and grass less yards. I want to know the story behind each door and each window with a sheet hanging for a covering. There was a house on the corner that was for sale. I even for a second wondered if John and I could buy that lot and build a house to move into that area. Wouldn't that give my critics something to talk about!

I want to know these people! I want to know what they need. I want to know if they know Jesus, and if they don't, I want to provide what they need for them to hear the gospel, believe it is real and accept it! As I drive around, I can't help but think, "I don't have to go to Africa or Haiti to find poverty and desperate need!" I want to see these people through the eyes of Jesus!

On the heels of my drive today when I took this picture, God would arrange coffee with my friend Shanna who went to Liberia with me in August. Through our conversation we realized we have the common dream of opening a maternity home. But wait, I talked to my other friend Susie a few weeks ago about opening a safe house for children rescued from the human trafficking industry. And then there is the dream to provide hope and resources for mothers who want to keep their babies. And then there is the dream to find homes for all the children in foster care in Texas...and then the United States...and then the world! And then there is the homeless population that is growing right here in good 'ol West Texas that needs just a boost in the arm to turn their lives around. And then there is a dream to open the coffee shop that will raise money for orphans and ministries all over Africa. And then there is the thought of providing resources to families who are about to lose their children to the system simply because of poverty. God and any one else who has worked with "the system" knows that "the system" doesn't need any more children! Especially when all the family needs to keep the children is a bed or a few hot meals a week. Oh yeah, then there is The Journey that I still have the to do list for!

Whew! My head is spinning, but more than that, my Spirit is stirring!

I see it! I am the visionary! I see the end, but how do I get there? Any doers out there want to jump on board and get this visionary to the end?! I believe I am on to something here! I can think of three or four ministries right here in my home town who are already working towards these goals. What would happen if we, the BODY OF CHRIST, worked TOGETHER?! What could God do then?

God has already given me the sight of the maternity home. My friend Emily and I risked our lives to walk through it one evening. Had our husbands known the building we were walking through, they probably never would have agreed to watch the kids while we did such a crazy thing! Even after we walked and laughed through the whole needs-to-be-condemned apartment complex, I had the nerve to call a contractor to come look at it and see what he thought! He tried to be nice! He wasn't trying to squash my dream....but he really didn't even know what to say to me wanting to use that old place. What he didn' t know is that I had already marched my little 'ol self (well, that might not be an accurate description) around that building and claimed it as "Hope Home: A Home to give Expectant Mother's Hope". Some day, on that very spot, a house will stand that will house expectant mothers! And the Birthing Center run by my friend Shanna is just right down the road to the North...and our office as well as the Life Center is just right down the road to the West. And the tracks...well, they are just about three blocks south!

Hang on folks! This is going to be a gooooooood ride!

God, You have placed these dreams and visions on my heart! You know my desire is to love the least of these and to hear the cries of the poor, destitute and weary who are in need of You, but are not very receptive to Your message yet because they don't even have a place to sleep or food to stop the ache in their stomachs. I want to be your vessel to provide whatever your people need in order to bring them to a place where they can here of You and accept You! You have taken me to John 15 for this year. As I read these verses with these visions you have given me swirling around in my mind and spirit, I am asking you to provide the money, resources, people, talent and the buildings we need in order to bring these visions and dreams to reality! God we want to bear fruit so that you may be glorified! Bring forth your fruit!
In Jesus Name I lay this request at your feet,
~Amen and Amen!

It happens EVERY DAY!

This is Aletha, T-girl and Samuel who live at Addy's Hope Home right now. They are the faces of children in Liberia who need more...more food, more love, more education!












You hear so much about the orphans of Haiti right now. You hear people wanting to know how to adopt those children left behind or suffering. That is awesome! I have read some wonderful dialogues on facebook where people are asking great questions. But the fact is, disasters leave orphans EVERY DAY in many countries in the world today! The only difference is the media doesn't cover it!

AIDS will orphan 40 million children this week. Hunger and starvation will orphan probably more than that or kill ones who have already been orphaned. Lack of clean water will do the same! If you have been moved to inquire about the children of Haiti, can I challenge you to not stop with Haiti? More than likely adoptions in Haiti will stall as children unmatched with families from the earthquake will have to be verified as orphans which can take months if not years in a crisis like this. But there are children all over the world...and right here in America who are just as in need of homes.

My friend Alicia challenged her facebook friends to start right now to obtain a homestudy to be ready in a moments notice to adopt a child in need! I think that is an amazing challenge for Christians who take seriously the charge to care for orphans!

And if you don't feel called to adopt, find someone who is and support them! Or find a place like Addy's Hope that is committed to caring for children even when adoptions have been closed for 12 months, but the money is gone. Our children are the ones who suffer the most! We need more money to give more food and make sure the children, God's children, are cared for not just to the point of survival, but to thriving! We could use your help right now!

Don't stop with Haiti, please! They need your help, yes! Do what you can there, but then do more!

Baby pictures

I FINALLY got to go see Blind Side last week with John. One of my favorite parts was when at Michael's graduation, his mom has a baby picture of him. Her husband leaned over and asked where she got it, and she said out of an advertisement! I loved it..but at the same time my mommy heart was sad! When Toben graduates or we have as slide show at his wedding, I won't have baby pictures of him either. I am a picture freak! So it makes me very sad to know I don't have any of him before he was 2 and a half.

I hadn't really thought of it that much until a couple of weeks ago when there was a precious baby boy at church who is African American and sporting an afro. Tears came to my eyes as I wondered, "Is that what Toben looked like?" I will never know!

It hit again when we were looking on the American Girl Doll site for the bitty twins that Callie wants. She wants the dark skinned ones, so a little boy popped up with curly dark hair! Like mother, like daughter: those are the ones she wants! :)

Did he look like the doll with really tight curls? Just one of the many things I will never know about the first three years of his life that I missed out on! But I can spend the rest of his life making up for it! And I plan to do just that!

2010: A Great Year!

I always pray for God to show me a verse that I need to focus on for the year. On January 1 I wrote down John 15:11 as I know God wants me to recognize that joy is a large part of following Him and one of the fruits of the Spirit (one I have been missing for the past couple of years). But as January has progressed, the first 10 versus have come up in about 4 different teachings/studies I have done. I even had a friend post John 15:7 on my facebook page in response to getting our license. This morning, I feel God impressing on me that the entire passage from vs 1-11 will by 2010 for our family!

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

We will have to abide in God, press into Him like never before. But when we do, we will see fruit, joy and answer to prayers like never before! It has been a long time since we have had a year like that!!! In fact for the past three years we have said, "I can't wait for 200_ to be done and 200_ to be here!" I refused to say that this year because it felt like I had said that every year only for the year coming to be even worse! But this year is different! I know it! I will stand on it! And the cool thing is that I have heard many others in the Body saying they have gotten the same message from God! Twenty-ten is the year for God's people to receive answers to prayers in order for His glory to rise up in the world! Not just me, not just my community, my state or even the United States, but the WORLD!!!!

I believe it strongly enough that I am going to put a prayer request/answer counter on my sidebar! I want to be conscious of the prayers God answers for me this year. So many times I keep track of the sorrows and not the blessings, so this year, I am turning the tables!

My spirit is doing a happy dance like never before! This is what being a Christ Follower is truly all about!

Acts Chapter 2:
14Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: "Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. 15These men are not drunk, as you suppose. It's only nine in the morning! 16No, this is what was spoken by the prophet Joel: 17" 'In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. 18Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. 19I will show wonders in the heaven above and signs on the earth below, blood and fire and billows of smoke. 20The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord. 21And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'

The Journey

We are starting a journey! It's one we've never taken! It's one I have avoided most of my life...thought about, but prayed would not happen! But here we are, on the road I wondered if we would ever take. Never say never to God!

So here is my partial to do list for the journey:

1. Get the animal's vaccinations updated
2. Get a transcript
3. Get a copy of our marriage license
4. Get doctor's notes for all of us
5. Have a fire inspection
6. Have a health inspection

...not an exhaustive list, but enough to keep me busy for a while! Praying that God provides the funds for all of it! :)

More to come....

A Crisis of Faith: Part Two

I wish I had blogged all about this crisis of faith I have had BEFORE we got our license so you could all see my heart in this! Just know that all I share, occurred and transformed me BEFORE the happy ending! There has just not been any time to really sit and process all this in a way that was fit for public viewing....but I am taking some time today because I believe that sharing our journey is one of the most important ways people in the Body of Christ can encourage each other!

There is a phrase that is used in the Body a LOT that many times hits a sour note with me. That phrase is, "God is good!" Now before you crucify me, let me explain. That phrase is most often used after someone receives good news, an answer to prayer. Rarely is it posted when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer or when an adoption falls through. That is why it hits a sour note with me. You see, that statement is true whether the news is bad or good! God is good all the time!

Over the past few years, I have come to find a common thread in American religion/Christianity. Whether you talk to far right conservatives, middle of the road evangelicals or far left charismatics, they all to some degree have the same message. When God works in our lives, at some point, there will be a nice little package with a bow that we can place his work in. Maybe it isn't that way at first, but eventually, there will be a wrapping up of God's work that will make sense and be for our good- in a worldly sense of money, fame,power, or happiness. I am finding more and more that I have not in any way been prepared for the battles I face in this Christian walk! There is no blame in that! I believe everyone who has ever spoken into my life gave me the best they had and prepared me a little more than I was before I knew them! However I haven't met many American Christians who have a clear picture of how God works in our lives based on a Biblical principal. I feel so blessed to be a part of the Body that I am right now because I believe they "get this" in a way that I have not ever seen.

In fact, our pastor is currently doing a series called Jesus VS Jesus. So far he has taught on Jesus VS Mister Rogers, Jesus VS Stoic Jesus and Jesus VS Genie Jesus. Next week is Jesus VS Republican Jesus. You can get the pod casts at MidCities.org and I would love for you to come with me next Sunday to hear Jesus VS Republican Jesus!

This idea of Genie Jesus that Daniel preached on yesterday fit right in with what God has been showing me. Three aspects of Genie Jesus are: 1) 911 Jesus - who we call on in an emergency 2) Fire Insurance Jesus - better to be safe than sorry 3) and Prosperity Jesus. All three of these are traits that God/Jesus has, but they are not ALL he offers or desires for/from us!

That struggle with the decision I had to make about which path to take in Part One was founded in a lot of these Genie Jesus ideas. I have a microwave faith. Even though I know that the Bible doesn't speak of a faith that is fulfilled in minutes, days, hours, years or sometimes even lifetimes (Heb 11)! Yet, I still get so discouraged when God doesn't answer prayer quickly. I have struggled with one prayer request that I know is God's desire because it lines up with His word exactly, yet it has not been fulfilled over the past 11 and a half years I have prayed for it! So where is God? It left me wondering if God was real. It left me doubting all of God's word. If I can't count on the scriptures that say God will answer my prayers, then how do I stand on any of His promises?

Those were the questions that I began wrestling through with God. He has been so faithful to answer me! I am so thankful!

I began looking at the people I know who exhibit the qualities in their walk that I desire....for this season, I am looking at how to build steadfastness in my walk! How do I keep from doubting when it all seems to fall apart? How do I keep my mind/faith from going down south with circumstances? One thing I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how mature I may think I am, there is still a TON of room for growth! God is not done with me yet! And so He began answering my questions.

One thing I notice in people I admire like Beth Moore, Judy Rouse, Sarah Palin and many more is that they have confidence! They are not swayed (at least not that I see) by the thoughts and attitudes of others. They have courage! So I began a word study of courage. Now I know that many who know me would wonder why I would need to study courage! I have been told more than once that I am a strong person and that I even have too much courage because my heart is hard to see. Comments like that would hit my core and make me shrink back and believe that courage is a bad thing. That I should never be strong when it will hurt or offend others. Isn't that what tolerance is? Isn't that what loving and not judging means? Well, maybe in culture, but no in God's economy!

Courage is from the Hebrew word chazaq and means "to show oneself strong"! I love that! But there was more!

Numbers 13:20 and 2 Samuel 10:12 use the word courage. When I read these two scriptures, God clearly spoke! When dealing with spiritual warfare, I must have courage! I must show myself strong! What I wrote in my journal that day was, "When dealing with spiritual warfare, I have to have courage- the enemy, the warring factions, that set themselves up against me have to see that I am strong or they will find my weak spot and eat me alive!" 2 Samuel 10:12 says, "Be strong and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the Lord do what is good in His sight." We have to be strong as leaders to keep the flock (whoever that is for you!) from being afraid - and to do what we can - then the rest is in the hands of the Lord and we need not worry or look back to what we should have done! This was freedom for me! I had been ridiculed by those in the Christian community so many times for my courage when facing what I sensed as clear danger from the enemy. But this scripture reaffirmed that I am to walk in courage! I am to face these battles head on, do what I am called to do and then let God handle the outcome! As long as I do that, I have done my job regardless of what those who look at me would say about it!

But there was still more! I looked up courage in Websters and it said this: "the quality of mind that enables one to face danger with confidence, resolution and firm control of oneself." Wow! I immediately began to pray for more courage! But I wanted to see if there were even more to the definition of courage, so I used my handy dandy iPhone and looked it up on the dictionary app I have on there. And there was more!!! Here is what dictionary.com said, "to act in accordance with one's belief especially in spite of criticism" [emphasis mine]! I needed that! I could hear the Holy Spirit yelling within me, "This is for you!!! Memorize it! Take it to heart! In this world you will have criticism! Don't listen to it! Do what I say with courage and confidence and don't look back!"

In the work I do, and because of my very black and white personality, criticism is nearly a constant in my life. If I don't get it directly from the critics, then someone is usually willing to share what the critics said about me! In adoption work, as with many types of ministry, there will always be someone unhappy with how you handle a situation. Despite my desire to provide communication and honesty with families, I have been called a liar on many occasions. Those words hurt. They cut me to the core! And then they make me shrink back from what God is telling me to do because my human side says I can't be doing things right if that many people think I am a liar, a cheat and an "unchristian" person. So these truths were so liberating!

And that is just in my work as an adoption professional!

These truths can also be applied to my personal life! As I stated in Part One, walking the narrow path will mean that there will be criticism even from Christians. It goes back to the pretty little package idea! My life has rarely if ever seen God's desires for me wrapped in that pretty little package! It has been messy! My first experience as a mother was a miscarriage! I was told to pray with faith! I did! For three weeks I prayed like never before, but I lost her anyway! The comments of some well-meaning people in my life left me feeling like I lost her because I didn't have enough faith! Nothing could have been farther from the truth! In fact, that was one of the biggest faith builders that God could have ever done in my life as a mother! He taught me with Hope (what John and I named her) that my children whether they were born of my body or placed in my home by adoption are not mine! They are His! He will take them when He wants and use them how He wants. It has made me such a more relaxed mother and allowed me to love my adopted children fully! I don't know if I would have survived losing Eden and Addy with my faith in tact if I hadn't walked through losing Hope. As promised, God used my hurt for my good and His glory!

Once again, no pretty package with Addy and Eden! We lost nearly $40K in that adoption and have nothing to show for it by worldly standards but a broken heart. But in God's economy, that was His money anyway and the investment is still bringing in a return! I have had many people ask me if we missed God's will in that adoption. I have asked the same thing...because it didn't end up with that pretty bow on a nice package that God's will has to show up in for American religion to recognize it! Why didn't Addy die four months before? Then I would never have hurt for her loss. But Addy's death birthed Addy's Hope! The birth of Addy's Hope has brought home 35 children who are now in Christian homes, provided an orphanage and school for children in need in Liberia, provided numerous scholarships for many children, two water wells for villages in Liberia without clean water, two medical clinics for communities without it, and there is more! I would say that is a pretty good investment for $40K! Most of those things were not works of John and I, but of the Body of Christ working together using Addy's Hope as their path. So why did Addy not die four months before? Because God needed us to love a little girl that would bring the need of a people group we thought we understood to our front door! Because God has a purpose that didn't come with a bow, but heart ache and pain that even now leaves me typing through tears. But would I do it again? In a heart beat! For it is what God used to set me on the path to my destiny! Could I see that on July 12, 2004 when we got the phone call about Addy? No! But 5 and a half years, 35 children, two medical clinics, numerous scholarships, etc, etc, later, I can see it! And I am blown away!

But even knowing that, it was hard to apply the same principles to my current battles and struggles! I reverted back to the familiar....God couldn't be in something that is soooo hard! God couldn't be calling me to a path that would bring more suffering, demand more time, possibly put my children at risk, etc, etc.

But as I read the Bible and reflected on courage and listened to teachers that I admire, clarity came! Read the Bible! I challenge anyone to show me Bible stories with happy endings tied up with pretty bows! Abraham had a promise from God that he would have descendants that outnumbered the stars.....God just left out the part that it would be tens of years before He fulfilled it! In their hast to fulfill God's promise for Him, Abraham and Sara took matters into their own hands in a move that has implications even today, thousands of hears later! And then, when God did provide that heir, He told Abraham to sacrifice him...to kill him. I don't see any pretty bow on that! What advice would you give Abraham if he told you that God told him to place his son on an alter? Would you tell him God couldn't be telling him that! Well, did He? Do you believe the Bible or not? Tough stuff!

Courage....I want more! Faith....I want more! Maturity.....I want more!

So I keep walking this path! Asking God to grant me more! And He is answering...

to be continued.....

[if you made it through this whole post, then you have endurance! Processing all this is more wordy than I thought it would be!!!]

WE ARE LICENSED!!!!

As of today, Addy's Hope is a LICENSED CHILD PLACING AGENCY IN THE STATE OF TEXAS!!!! I wish I could put into words the magnitude of what this all means! Let's just say that is an answer to a 5 year prayer and stumbling block after stumbling block and is a HUGE testimony to the fact that God works on HIS time table, not ours, and we are to keep moving forward in the direction He calls and He will make the path straight! (Yes, you can remind me of this tomorrow when I am whining again!) :0)

Thank you to all my friends who have walked this path with us and been so faithful to encourage and pray for us when we just wanted to give up! You are priceless and this HUGE success is as much yours as mine or Johns!

To God be the Glory! Great things He has done!!!!

A Crisis of Faith: Part One

The Christian cliche for where I am right now is a "crisis of faith". I am a visual person. I have tried in my very limited artistic ability to sketch out what my mind's eye sees right now. It started out as a "Y" in the road, but as I prayed and studied, the Y became a straight line because the two paths I can take are 180 degrees apart!

I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.

But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.

I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.

This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!

I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!

So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"

When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.

Add to that all the "theologies" that I have been taught over the years. I have had the privilege in the many moves we have made as well as the vast people I am blessed to know to be exposed to just about every Christian theology known to man in the 21st Century! It has stretched me and grown me over the past few years! It really amazes me how many versions of "the truth" there is all based on one Book! Many of the differences in these theologies I don't believe are worth debating as they don't have eternal significance....like should we raise our hands in worship or not. On the other hand, there are some very significant differences that I believe can make a HUGE impact in how you run the race here on this earth....like can you fall from grace? And does God intend for us to be happy or holy? And if something is hard does that mean it can't be from God?

As I have pondered which way to turn at my crossroads, many of the snippets from these different theologies have crossed my mind. I believe many of these things have been used by the enemy to confuse my thoughts! I believe he has used many of the things that I have been told are truth from so many of these theologies to allow me to justify the path that is flesh!

Now let me explain "justify". John can tell you as I have wrestled with this, I have said all along that I know turning and walking down the path that is flesh is not God's will! I know that it would be flesh and not spirit! I know that in many ways it would lead to death...Romans 8 is clear about that. However, the truths from these theologies really had my normally black and white brain in quite a gray dilemma.

The past four days have been some of the hardest of my life. Never before in my adult life have I been so unclear on what I needed to do or what direction I should take! It was a new feeling for me...one I didn't like and hope to never experience again!

Even in my foggy state, I always know that The Truth is in the Word. I seek that every morning in a time with God. Hadn't been getting a whole lot of clarity, so I picked up the ipod and took it on my walk with me yesterday morning. Already playing somehow when I put the headphones in was a podcast I had downloaded (and I think already listened to but didn't speak to me then like it did this time!) of Beth Moore called "No Longer Tossed". She spoke on just about all the areas I have just mentioned. She gave scriptures to support her arguments!

One of the things that I had spewed in my wrestling was that so many Christians get away with just status quot..or even the wrong path! Why should I take the hard road when I could live like them? Joy has been hard to come by the past couple of years for me. Yes, I know that is part of my immaturity. I know that is part of what God is doing in me right now...teaching me joy and contentment no matter my circumstances just as He did Paul! But I see people who truly seem to be happy, content and successful by American Christian standards as well as worldly standards that really walk a road of status quot. I have always pushed the envelope for walking a life sold out to Christ...status quo has never been ok for me. But as I have wrestled the past few days/weeks with some important decisions on directions for my life, status quo sounded really good!

Beth said in her pod cast that she doesn't know how so many Christians get away with the way they live....God doesn't leave her alone when she tries status quo! AMEN, SISTER!!!! She also spoke of how American churches are FILLED with Spiritual infants! She goes on to talk about how many leaders intentionally keep them that way...that will be addressed through my experience in a post to come...stay tuned....but as she spoke these things, she talked about how the scripture says in the last days deceptive spirits will teach leaders and Christians. The fog lifted! Praise the Lord!!!! Tears poured down my cheeks as I walked (good thing no one was outside at the time or they would have probably called the cops to come get the crazy lady walking down their street!)! I was undone! I immediately began praying with all my being that God would not allow me to be led astray by deceptive spirits! The choice was clear! The ONLY path to take was the Spirit path! I had allowed the enemy to sneak in and he was about to steal, kill and destroy me and my family along with me! Beth went on to talk about how straight spiritual warfare is cut and dry, but deception is a curve ball! It mixes enough truth with lies that you are not sure if it is truth 0r a lie! Words could not have described better where I was! A doctrine that had been spoken to me just a few weeks ago said that I could just quit and God would take me from this earth. I would love nothing more than to go to heaven NOW! I'm ready! That doctrine encouraged me to give up on all God has called me to do and just tell Him I am finished...take me! I would walk the path of flesh, away from Spirit because I just can't handle the battle anymore. So Jesus would just kill me...take me from this earth! But that is a deceptive Spirit. All was clear again!

Well, maybe not "all"! I still struggle with some of God's promises that I feel have failed as I have walked the Spirit path over the last 12 years. There are many things (like Addy's death, Eden's failed adoption, losing our first baby to a miscarriage, a one year halt on Liberian adoptions, etc) that don't appear in my human eyes to have upheld God's promises. But I also know that God's ways are not my ways! I know that many things He has told me, like it will get worse before it gets better, are coming to pass....and it could just be for me to give up on those promises now and take the flesh path would mean that I quit right before I saw the promise fulfilled! Going back to Abraham...he and Sarah took matters into their own hands to fulfill God's promise of a child because they got tired of waiting and we still see the effects of that in the world today! The Israelites had to wait FORTY YEARS to see their promise fulfilled! My microwave view of faith could have just cost me the opportunity to see the miracles I have been praying for over the past 12 years! But in my clarity now, I know that God will be faithful to those promises! I hope and pray I am not like the faithful in Hebrews 11 who "died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a diestance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." I pray I get to actually see some of these promises fulfilled and be encouraged by them. But if not, I still owe the One who sent His Son to this earth for me my life! I still owe Him who suffered ridicule even though He lived a perfect life my life! As a sermom recently preached by Stever Murrell at our church said, looking at it from that perspective, walking the Spirit path with no promise of ANY reward is not a radical but simply a reasonable response!

I also know that as I stand at this crisis of faith, the enemy would like nothing more than for me to take a turn to the left, take the flesh path, away from God's will, away from God's promises so that I would possibly forever doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. I would be walking away from my destiny...possibly forever in this life! It would ruin all the plans that God has for my family and for what He has called me to in orphan care. I was willing to accept that. That my friends is a scary thought! Especially now that with a clear mind I think of ALL the Christians my stupid decision would effect! What if someone is watching me to see if I take the flesh or Spirit road and uses my decision to determine what road they should take as I have used the decision of others before me to determine which road I would take? I would be held accountable for my part in their decision! We don't think nearly enough about how our decisions effect all those around us who consider us their great cloud of witnesses! Whoever you are, no matter how young in your faith or how mature, you have someone watching you to see how you handle life! They are watching you to see what faith meets reality really looks like!

What picture are you giving them?

To be continued.....

One last night....

I have one last night before it will all be over! December 26th is my least favorite day of the year! I LOVE the Christmas holiday and all that comes with it...baking, shopping, decorating, family, etc. My favorite childhood memories are of Christmas! I am always a little down after it is all over and the family has gone home.

So I have one more night with all the Christmas lights on, kids asleep and the magic of Christmas still in the air! I am going to make me some hot chocolate, curl up on the couch with a blanket and watch a Hallmark movie!

Dreams Do Come True!

Haven't blogged in awhile...been in quite a fog and haven't had lucid enough thoughts to put them down! Hope this means the end of blogger's block! :)

We have a tradition on my birthday that we take a picture of me with the kiddos! It is about the only pictures I am in since I am usually taking the pictures. So this tradition will help the kids know they had a mom when they look through albums in years to come!

I was posting the one from today (b-day is tomorrow, but we celebrated with my parents today) on facebook, and I was just overcome with emotions...one being gratitude! As I looked at those 4 faces stacked one on top of the other, I realize that so many of my childhood dreams have come true! I wanted a multi-racial family before multi-racial families were much of a reality around me! As I look at the faces of my children, I see God's love for us! He doesn't care about skin color or how we got where we are, He loves us all the same! Just like I do my kids!

I have been attracted to African American children all my life! I have always thought there was no cuter baby on earth than a little African American baby...and now, there is a sweet little face just like that in the faces of my children!

I used to say I wanted 12 kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind after I had my first. I did for about 6 months. But then I was ready to talk about more kids. By the time I got to adulthood, I had said I wanted 4 kids: two boys and two girls! And that is exactly what I have!

Dreams really do come true!!!

Thank you, God, for my precious children! I don't deserve any of them, but You have trusted Them to me for this short time to train them in Your ways! I pray You can repair the damage I do and reclaim the ground I lose with them! Make me the mommy I need to be to teach and train each of them to be the warriors you need them to be for Your Kingdom!

While you praying...

Would you pray for my mom today? She is having to have a second EKG because the first one done as a pre-op screening was a little off. We hear this is common so aren't too alarmed, but are just asking for prayers for a clean bill of health so Mom can have her knee replaced in a couple of weeks and be free of the pain she is in now everytime she walks!

Thanks in advance!!!

Prayers for Liberia ~ Part 2

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:13-14

"His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5 Praise God!!!!

"Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt." ~Psalm 31:18

"Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it." ~Psalm 37:34

"Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God." ~Psalm 40:17 This was actually the verse that I prayed over and over as we waited for Toben's visa to be released along with the 7 other children so we coudl bring him home! He did it then, and I believe He is about to do it now for the hundreds of children waiting to come home NOW!

"How blessed is He who considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble." Psalm 41:1

Prayers for Liberia

Today I am starting my fasting and praying for Liberia that will last through Saturday. I would love for you to join me! The timing of this is not random. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the dates of an Adoption Symposium in Liberia. Here are some of the people in Liberia who are involved:

Sponsored by: The Foundation for Human Rights (FOHRD)
The Catholic Justice and Peace Commission (JPC) and
The Child Protection Alliance of Liberia (CPAL)

Co-Sponsored by: The Liberia Council of Churches, National Muslim Council of Liberia, Liberia Democratic Institute – (LDI), Female Lawyers Association of Liberia – (AFLL)

In Association with: Adoption Services Providers; Child Advocacy International; National Union of Liberian Orphanages and Children Welfare Institute; Children Assistance Program; Mano River Women Network for Peace; Liberian Girls Guide Association; Boy Scouts of Liberia; Liberia National Student Union; Varsity Christian Fellowship; Christian Health Association of Liberia; Young Men’s Christian Association; Young Women’s Christian Association.

The symposium is a two day interactive round table discussion intended to discuss and dialogue on the Liberian Children’s Bill. Principally, the symposium will aim at ensuring that the evolving Children’s Law serves the best interest of the Liberian child. The event will bring together, legislators, policymakers, child rights advocates, Supreme Court Justices, religious leaders, parents and children services providers mainly for the purpose of: a) critically reviewing the draft children bill; b) providing advice to legislators on the rethinking and rewording of specific aspects of the bill that may not be in the best interest of the Liberian child; and c) adopting concrete action programs that will facilitate the scrupulous implementation of the bill when it is passed into law.

Speakers at the symposium will share insights and experiences as well as address the most pressing challenges facing the Liberian Child. Following the deliberations, participants will convene in group sessions and work out recommendations and suggestions to strengthen the children’s Bill and educate and advice legislators on the thinking of a broad spectrum of the Liberian society regarding the draft bill.

A huge thanks and God Bless goes out to WACSN for coordinating this event! The most exciting thing about this whole deal is that it is the Liberians doing it!!!! That has been my prayer forever! We needed the Liberians carrying the torch on that side with us carrying it on this side, united and working together! That has happened! I am so excited about that!

I have always been transparent on here, so no time to stop now! If you are like me, fasting is still a new spiritual practice! You may not totally understand it. I'm still learning also! It doesn't mean you have to refrain from all food for four days! You can really fast from anything...tv, spending, food, caffeine, sugar, etc. It is just a way to focus on God, a way to deny other cravings and replace them with a desire for God and a relationship with Him.

One of the reasons I haven't posted a lot about Liberia is that God clearly told me to step back. He told me to put my focus on licensing here in Texas and getting everything in order for when adoptions do open in Liberia as well as working toward domestic licensing to work on getting the 600+ kids in Texas legally eligible for adoption into permanent adoptive homes. So I have done that. I fully believe it is one more way God has humbled me. I worked and worked...nothing really happened. I believe there were foundations laid by all of us working in this battle. I believe we can all feel blessed by the par that we played, but God waited until I took a back seat before He really opened up the flood gates of movement! Just a reminder that while I must obey and fight when He says to, the battle belongs to HIM! I am so thankful for Angel Rutledge and her willingness to work with me along with Linda from WACSN and many others in Liberia! Those who decided to put aside differences and the "competition" that so often plagues this type of ministry to work toward a common goal!

Over the past week as the preparations for this symposium have gone on. God has taken me back to scriptures that I have marked in my Bible concerning Liberian and specifically Addy's Hope. Some are dated as far back as 2006. Scriptures that I believe he gave me as promises for the work we do over there and promises for the people of Liberia. Those who know me, know that I have come to love Liberia as much as I do my own country. My heart for the Liberians is ever growing as I learn more and more about their plight and their fears of the future!

So it is with that attitude and humble heart that I will be entering into this time of fasting and praying. I will share with you here the scriptures I will be praying for the people of Liberia and specifically the adoption symposium. If you have other prayers you feel God has laid on your heart, or specific scriptures, please feel free to post them in comments so others can see them and pray them as well! I fully believe this battle will be fought and won in prayer followed by earthly action! The battle for adoption goes way beyond the legalities of Liberia! Satan wants to see it shut down everywhere...it is one of the few things in this world that so clearly shows the love of God in a tangible way to the hurting world!

"For you will spread about to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.' ~Is 54:3

"All your sons will be taught of the Lord; and the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, fr you will npt fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you. If anyone fiercely assails you, it ill not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you...no weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. And their vindication is from Me, "declares the Lord." ~Is 54:13-15

Amen and Amen