Surviving the War Zones of Life

"Surviving the War Zones of Life" is the name of the chapter I am reading in "When Life and Beliefs Collide". I highly recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with how you continue to walk in faith when faith seems to have disappointed or you wonder where God is in so many areas of your life!

I have found that even though I am transparent, I am a stuffer! If there is an issue I really don't understand or don't want the pain of really dealing and healing, then I stuff it! I just push it down in my mind and heart until it is covered by something else and forget it is there....until God brings it to the top because He knows is will stay down there and fester and ooze and cause problems for me as I walk this journey called life with Him!

This morning was one of those times he brought a hurt to the surface.

The past year has been horrendous in the agency. Yes, the government of Liberia and the US government have lied, played the political games, cause the death of one of the children we loved and several that we know of, but that is not even the biggest wound. The biggest wound(s) have come at the hands of the Christians I have served. They have come at the hands of people who think they understand all the dynamics to running an orphanage half way around the world, but really have no clue of all that it entails. They have come at the hands of Christians who think getting a child home is more important than standing on ethics and morals during the process.

I have been slandered and accused of just about everything in the book. I will be the first to say that I haven't done everything perfect! There are times maybe I should have listened to some of the gossip from adoptive parents, but if they only know how much "he said" or "she said" I hear and that most of the time it is totally false!

I have been amazed at "Christians". I have told John so many times over the past two years - put me on an island with lost people and let me love them, PLEASE! I am so tired of Christians destroying each other and me! At least lost people have a reason to act that way...they don't know any better! We are supposed to! The word says the world will know us by our love for each other...well, no wonder we are not impacting the world anymore than we are! We would rather kill each other than find a way to work together!

All this has made me question where God was in the work that He called me to! I know he is sovereign, so I know that none of this has happened without first going through His hands. Just as He granted Satan permission to sift Job, He has allowed these things to happen. At anytime, He could have stopped them. So why didn't He? That is my overall question! He knows the pain they caused. He knows the physical effects this stress and hurt has had on my body and my mind. Yet He allowed it.....so that would always bring me back to a question that I am still wrestling with in my heart...How can a good God do that?

So I LOVED this chapter. She talked about Job and she also talked about Joseph. Joseph ended up in a prison because of his brothers. God allowed that. God, who had already told Joseph He would do great things, allowed him to be put in a pit, shackled with chains, rejected by brothers, isolated and lost from the father he adored...and yet God is good. Really? That just doesn't compute in my heart....my brain can read The Word and see that it says it, but with what I have gone through at the hands of others, my heart just isn't there yet...I am getting closer every day - I'm in a good place right now and enjoying it - but I know God is bringing up the heart and pain so I can deal with it through His Word and understand a little more about Who He Is!

Carolyn Custis James says it this way: "The war zones of life force us to take our theology seriously, to see if our beliefs about God hold up when the tragedies and perplexities of life press down upon them...Our hope in God is no better than a placebo if his plan doesn't encompass all of life - the dark side as well as the bright." If you go back and read my posts from these dark times, you will clearly see that my beliefs about God were not holding up at all under the tragedies and perplexities of life! I was flailing like a fish out of water!

James goes onto discuss the two parts of God's plan - the "revealed will" which are his statutes and commands. They are written and not a mystery. Then there is the "hidden will" which is the part that we don't know and may never know. James says, "It is important for us to see how the Bible distinguishes between these two aspects of God's will because this distinction enables us to maintain, on the one hand, that God's will (revealed) is always for us to live holy lives of obedience to his Word and, on the other hand, that God's plan (hidden will) is to accomplish his good purposes for us through everything that happens, even through the evil that takes place in his world. In a fallen world populated by sinners and relentlessly assaulted by the powers of evil, the sphere of God's reign would be minuscule indeed if it extended only to areas where his moral will was being obeyed." I have understood that, but there was a time when the pain was so much from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that I didn't want anymore of God's "good purposes"! I truly believed for a time that my plot in life was to sell myself out to Christ and live a life of sacrifice and hurt so that others could see the good of God while I was left behind in the aftermath. I wrestled for months if not a year with that concept. The enemy was trying with all his might to make me believe that was God's plan for my life. But that is not Truth! Praise God He kept speaking to me until I understood that even in the bad times, God was working for my good. Even if I don't see it, I am beginning to be able to believe it.

Which leads me to the next part of what the author said that I think strikes a chord with many of us! "Living with mystery is uncomfortable for us." Well, that is an understatement! I have always said that I can deal with whatever the outcome is in most instances, but it is the "not knowing" that kills me! It is the wait time before the answer comes that can make me insane. So the next statement is profound if I want to live a life of faith! "But faith inevitably takes us into mystery, where we don't - and won't- have all of the answers and where, from time to time, we have to affirm truths that to our finite minds seem to conflict. The paradox we are wrestling with now is that God's good purposes, his hidden will, are preserved and advanced even when the devil takes a hand in our lives, when we fall int the hands of other people, or when we, with our own two hands, pull our lives crashing down around our ears."

So I must wrestle with this: even in the hurtful words and actions of adoptive parents who went so far as to meddle with my staff in Liberia causing great strife and dissension there and limitless issues that I am still dealing with, the words that have not only been spoken in phone calls to each other that make it back to me, but that have been put on the web for all the world to read and see, God's good purposes are preserved and advanced!

That may seem like an easy statement for you. For me, as I wrestle and seek what God wants next for Addy's Hope during this time, it is excruciating! To continue any adoption program means opening myself up to this all over again! It means understanding that I can go into any adoption program with my heart - a heart for all involved in adoption: the children, the adoptive parents and the birth family - and still people will accuse me of being heartless, a liar, a cheat, ruthless and even unethical. Well, frankly, I would rather cut off my right arm! And that my friends is why God is bringing this to the top!

But let me share a positive note in this! God, the gracious God that I serve and Who is teaching me more and more about His character at this point in my life is allowing me to walk a safer path. Since turning over the orphanage to Lifesong in Liberia, and thus making Addys' Hope's future in adoptions an unknown, I have spoken to more people about adoption than I had in over a year with the agency! But here's the deal - these people are friends! They are people from our new church home who God has burned a passion for adoption and fostering. They are safe! He has allowed me a safe place to put my feet back in the water that scalded me. He is allowing me to work with people who know me. They know my heart! They know passion! So even if circumstance don't turn out like any of us planned as they most certainly did not in Liberia, they will not blame me or question my integrity or call me names. Words may not break my bones, but they definitely hurt me and break my heart and spirit! God has placed me in a safe place for now to walk in my calling! That is a good God!

Will I always be in this "safe" place? No. God will eventually take off my training wheels again and call me back into the adoption world with adoption programs that will probably cause people to question me again. And the thing I pray I have learned by then is that in those times when people try to pull me down, I can press harder into God. I will have learned a little more about his character so that I can stand stronger and not spiral into depression or despair. I will understand a little more after this season of life that God is good. That head knowledge will have moved to my heart and allow me to trust Him more than I did in the last season! And that is worth the heart ache! At least I can say that today...on a good day! And my prayer is that I will be at a point in my life where I say that EVERY day!

Pick up When Life and Beliefs Collide if you have been struggling with God's goodness in your life! I think you will find some healing in the words of a great woman theologian!

Walking this walk one step at a time,

HollyAnn

The Journey: Today is the Day!

Today is the day! We go this afternoon to visit Little Guy! I have butterflies! I don't remember the last time I had butterflies...probably at the court hearing where the judge ordered Baby Girl to be placed with us! John is still waiting to see at the visit before he totally knows what we are to do. I am still keeping my head on straight that he may not end up with us because so many things have to happen between now and then...at least I think they do. I have sent an e-mail asking what happens next if we say "yes"?!

I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep, and I started thinking about the past few days. I was just overcome with love for my Lord! In four short days, He has totally transformed a portion of my heart. You know how we always throw around Psalm 37:4 that says God will give us the desire of our heart? Well, this week showed the first part to be key and vital to the last part. The entire verse says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." You see, I have spent this week pouring over God's word, on my knees with my face to the ground pushing hard into God asking for His direction. I have seen Him answer me in so many ways! He has answered me throughout the day as I am doing a task that will be harder with Little Guy here...but even as I start to get anxious about it, God will overcome me with peace and a quiet whisper that says, "Together, we can do this!" He has given me words from The Word that pierced straight through me even to dividing bone and marrow as I read them. Really, there is no doubt that God has spoken! He has give me absolute confidence and spoken as many times as I needed Him to in order to confirm that this is the path we are to walk.

But even all that is not the most exciting part to me. The most exciting part is that what I spoke of yesterday as "undesirable" has now become the desire of my heart! I have delighted myself in my Lord and in return He has made His desire My desire! Only a loving God can do that! Only a loving God can take what was initially an overwhelming fear and turn it into a dream come true! I am already in love to some extent with a little two year old boy! I have no idea what he looks like...don't even know what color his skin is, but I see a little fuzzy head walking around in my mind, and my heart skips a beat! Only God can do that my friends! Only God!!!

Please pray for us! Pray that John and I are in agreement. Pray that Little Guy bonds if this is where he will be. Pray that my children have hearts open for him...they are all WAY excited for the meeting this afternoon...well, everyone but Ava and she doesn't know yet because she is with her Grommy and Grandpa! Pray that the transition will begin soon and go smooth. Pray that family understands as they receive the news that they will have yet another grandchild/nephew. Pray that God provides for the necessities - like a bed! :) I am looking for miracles today! I am expecting great things! What a day this will be!

The Journey: CHILDREN ~ God VS the World

John and I had a real heart to heart last night about adding child number 6. I can easily say there are many fears for both of us! But even as I would say the word "fear" or "scared" last night during our conversation, I would feel a rebuke from the Holy Spirit. I have been putting together daily prayer scriptures for my home and family as I am coming to understand more and more the need to cover my home and family in prayer every morning. There is a war every day for my family. If I don't start the day on my knees with sword in hand, my family may not survive. The enemy is out to steal kill and destroy! Over my dead body, literally, will he have my family! Sorry, chased a rabbit trail there!

When I was going through scriptures this morning to put on my daily prayer list, God used a couple to REALLY speak to me about adding another child. And I really think He was speaking to me not about just a general child number 6, but Little Guy in particular. I was ok with a newborn because they stay in one place, don't throw fits, and for the most part, while time consuming, are emotionally easy to care for. A two year old, well that is a whole other story....my own two year olds drive me nuts, but to bring one in that I don't know anything about...what comforts him when he's sad, what makes him mad, what sets off his buttons, what does he like to eat? Well, that scares me!

As John and I talked last night, I felt like God kept bringing us back to the point of "are you going to choose me or the world?" In fact, when I woke up yesterday morning, Joshua 24 was in my mind. The only part that kept playing was, "choose you this day whom you will serve." So I looked up the rest of it. When I looked it up, this was what I found:But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. OUCH! You see, bringing a two year old little boy into my home, well that seems undesirable to me. Bringing a 6th child in at all seems undesirable to John. You see this is what a 6th child means for us: we will have to take two cars everywhere we go until God provides for a new car or a bench seat for our suburban (and with the budget we have right now, that ain't happenin' short of a miracle!), that means no family vacations unless we can rent a van or bigger car or have lots of gas money, we will go nowhere together as a family in one car, more laundry to add to the piles that already stack up before I get to them, one more person demanding my time as I try to juggle the schedules and needs of all the others, potential for less sleep if he is not a good sleeper, more stress on a marriage that has cracks in it already, more strain on an already stretched budget (which will mean denying ourselves even more of the things the world says is important!). By the time John and I got done talking last night about the reality of another child (John often thinks I have my head stuck in the sand about adding a child, so he wanted to make sure I was in reality!), I was ready to call Buckner and tell them we didn't need to visit Little Guy...we were quite sure this was not for us...and maybe you can just take us off the call list for another one all together! I hadn't had my head in the sand, I had thought of all these things, but in my mind, when they come up, I just tell God, "Your problem! If you are calling me to 6, then you have to give me the strength, patience, money, etc, etc to parent 6!" But when you speak those things out loud and your partner starts expressing the same fears, it gets more real, and frankly, scary!

But as I was reading the Word this morning, I was reminded of God's view of children. Here it is:
Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)


3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.


Children are God's best gift! They are not burdens, stressors or zappers of cash! They are gifts! Oh how easily we pick up on the world's views even in Godly callings! Not only are they gifts, but they are like a warrior's fistful of arrows! They even make your enemies vulnerable to you. How cool is that?! Now I have a confession. I don't usually see my children as gifts like that. I certainly don't see them as a way that my enemies are defeated and "swept right off my doorstep". In fact, as we enter tween years, I often feel like my children are the enemy and need to be swept off the doorstep! Seriously, though, I don't see my children, or the children God is calling me to as the gifts they are. I had to stop and confess that and confess that last night as I contemplated walking in obedience with Little Guy, that I was using the world's view of children and all that we would have to sacrifice to bring him into our family as a way to rationalize walking in disobedience. God was surely not calling us into something that would do all John and I talked about he might do to our family and our home! Well, that is worldly thinking and doesn't have any place in Kingdom living!

As I continued with the scriptures, that rebuke over being scared and fearful hit me between the eyes!

Isaiah 12:2 ~ Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation (emphasis added).

That was it! Every time I said I was scared or fearful it was because I was looking at things by site and NOT by faith! My job is to walk in obedience! If God is saying take in Little Guy, then my only response needs to be "yes!" No, I don't put my head in the sand. Yes, I make plans for an added child. But just because I don't have answer to all the "what ifs" doesn't' mean I say no! That would be walking in fear! I. Must. Trust. God.

Little later in the morning, this quote came through on Facebook through Proverbs 31 ministries:
Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada WOW! Did that speak to me! And who better to know about that than a woman sentenced to a wheelchair since a diving accident in her teens! Faith isn't the ability for me to see how this will work! It isn't the ability to answer everyone's questions of why we will do this. Faith isn't being able to go everywhere in one car! Faith is simply hearing God say, "you will get a call for a placement today" and continuing to believe that after the call is for a child that I wouldn't have "picked" for my placement...it's undesirable as Isaiah says. Don't get me wrong...I haven't met Little Guy or even seen him, although we do have a name now! I'm not saying "he" is undesirable! I am saying this situation, and the timing of it, is not what I would have picked. But that doesn't change the things leading up to the call that God had already spoken to me about the call! Yet because it doesn't fit into my view of what God would do...which really means it doesn't' fit the world's view of what my life should look like, I'm ready to dismiss what I know in my heart is God's instruction!

How will this all end up? I don't know! When dealing with foster children there are many things that factor in! We can't even go see him until his CPS worker gives permission to his current care taker for us to go see him. All the powers that be have to agree that this is a good placement for him. So we could very possibly say yes only to be told no. But even that is not mine to be concerned about! My job is simply this. I must decide did God call me to this or not? Has he told me to take Little Guy as my son - for today, for a week, for a year or for a lifetime- however long I have him? If he did, then my job is to say "Yes, Lord!" For if I say no, I can't say Lord!

And that boils down to this: will I see this little boy as the world does ~probably with issues that will make life hard for me and my children for a time, something to be pitied because of his start but not loved to a winning finish, a burden, a stressor~ or as God does,

His.
Best.
Gift.

The Journey: Waiting for the visit

So I know our agency has called the group home and left a message....but that is all I know for now. The visit will probably not be today..maybe tomorrow...maybe not...can I tell you?

I. Stink. At. Waiting!

The Journey: Going for a visit

John talked with Buckner yesterday and got a little more info on the little boy. It always seems like you are working a puzzle without the picture to go by when you are getting a placement like this. You are trying to put the bits and pieces of info together that you get, but not even sure what direction you are going with the pieces!

Our biggest concern is making sure this is a placement that will last however long it needs to. If this little guy needs a home for the next week, year or a lifetime, we want to make sure we can provide that before we say yes. Buckner and John thought it would be a good idea for us to go for a visit with him. That makes me a little....ok, a lot!....nervous! When I see a child, well, my heart kind of falls in love really easy! But John thinks it would be a good idea and we will know more. My head agrees, my heart is scared.

We did find out that he is bi-racial and not full African American. That concerns me as six is the limit...unless we go to a group home license which is a whole other topic for another time. I have always felt that Toben needs someone that looks like him in the family. I feel strongly about this. Not saying every family has to have that, but for Toben I think it is necessary. In fact, when I told the boys about this little guy, the first question Toben asked was, "Does he look like me?" When I said he probably looks more like Noah, Toben got sad.

Then one of those moments that makes me love having a large family occurred! I asked Toben why he didn't want him to live with us, and he said because we would just keep getting more and more babies. Noah then turns to him and says, "But if we get more like that family that has all the kids...Mom who are they?" Me: "The Duggars?" Noah: "Yeah, the Duggars, then maybe we can get our own tv show!" Well, yes, that's a reason to have more children! There you have it! The real reason we do this! We are after our own reality show! NOT! It is so NOT worth it for that! :)

Anyway, we are waiting to hear when we might get to go visit the little guy. Not sure what we are looking for in the visit, other than peace that passes all understanding one way or another. One of my fears and reason for turning the placement down the first time if my fear of me attaching. So it would be nice to talk to his current care givers to see if attachment issues seem to be present. I have my own, don't know if I could handle his and mine. Realizing I have never blogged about that. Need to do that! I didn't bond immediately with either of the boys...Toben took longer than Noah....but I know that is because he was older...I had missed out on more. I mourned those early years that I missed being his mommy!

Visiting also seems like "shopping" for children. I can't tell you how much I disdain that thought! He will only think we are coming for a play date. If we come to mind, pray for us! The future of a little guy, as well as our current children, is riding on this decision. That is a lot of weight to bear! We know God holds the answer, and we are seeking Him with all we have right now to know His plan for this little man!

To be continued.....

The Journey: Second Call

I have had a "feeling" for the past 5 or 6 days that we were going to get a call for a referral. That "feeling" was really strong earlier this afternoon when I was leaving Sams. If I had my cell phone (it had a tragic accident on our camping trip), I would have called John and told him. But I couldn't, so I figured I would e-mail him when I got home. Should have done that before I checked my missed calls. I had a missed call from Buckner. I returned the call. Sure enough, it was for a placement....but not just any placement, it was for the same little guy that we turned down a couple weeks ago! I blogged about that here. I told our worker with Buckner that we had already turned down that referral once. He was quite puzzled because this had just come in today. He was on vacation when we got the first call. Evidently they haven't found a placement for him, so they are going through the agencies again. He is in a group home right now.

Turning down the same child twice?! Really, God?! Are we supposed to say, "No" this time? Were my "feelings" so that I would take this little guy even though he might not be what my heart would desire...I always will choose the younger, the better! I have left it up to John. He is the head of our house and he will make the decision. It is times like this that I so appreciate being the one who wears the dress in the family! I can defer to John and be totally satisfied with his decision.

What has started this whole second placement thing is that God gave me a vision. I know that sounds weird...it probably is, but God did it in the Bible and I believe we serve the same God today as they did in the Bible...but that is a theology discussion for another time! In the vision, Baby Girl was sitting on the floor with another child...I assumed it was a boy, but not totally sure. I could only see the back of the child's head. The baby was around the same age as Baby Girl....give or take 6 months. The head had a full head of hair....an afro! Now I can't help but wonder, was it this little boys' head I saw? Is the little guy older than Baby Girl instead of younger. If so, then I have to let go of my dreams of a newborn, because this is the last foster baby they will place with us...six is the limit! But isn't that what this life is about....dieing to my dreams to replace them with God's! As much as I want a newborn, I know that I want what God wants worse! Whoever He has for us, that is who I want.

I imagine John will say no. We have already had this conversation about this little guy, but if he doesn't, then I will know it is a God thing. I will keep you posted! Never a dull moment at the Petrees! Got to love life when you live it full force, all out, on fire for God!

The Journey: Court Update

We went to court this morning. The good news is that the court approved the change of plan to termination. The sad news is that we are now seen as the enemy by Baby Girl's Mom. She definitely has had a change of heart about willingly signing termination papers...in fact it has changed to: I will not lose another of my kids and I will fight to the end.


I wish she really meant that. I wish she meant she would fight to the end meaning she would get a job, get a house, do her services....change her life so that she could provide the home Baby Girl needs. But unfortunately what we saw today was "fight" means blame everyone else for why she hasn't done things up to this point and then tell us she is going to do it all now. I hope she does.


Do I want to love Baby Girl? No! But at the same time, I have always said that until the judge says she is mine, she is not mine. Do I love her like she is mine? YES! Would I be devastated to lose her? YES! But ultimately, she is not mine to loose...at least legally.


It was a hard morning just because we have tried so hard to be the neutral party just coming in to help out. But I knew at some point, that would change, and it seems that today is that day. Her mom left without even saying good bye to us or her mom. I wish she knew how much we all care about her and truly want her to turn her life around and would help in any way we could if she would just make that first bit of effort. Baby Girl's mom's mom is a hero in my books! She truly loves her daughter! I have only been at this for five months, she has been at this for years! She has taught me a lot about a mother...and a grandmother's love!

Trust seems to be a word that comes up a lot in my time with God lately. And this situation is no different! Where do we go from here? We trust! We trust that God's plan is best...not my plan that I want God to follow, but truly trust God's plan. I selfishly ask for that plan to include Baby Girl remaining with us, but ultimately, God calls me to trust HIM...not an outcome!

We trust and we wait! We have a review court date in November and another permanency court date in February. Nothing definite will be done until February. So for now, I will love this Baby Girl and thank God for every day that I get to kiss her chubby cheeks!

Oh...did I tell you her new word? "Momma"! None of my other kids said "momma" before "daddy"! So I have to brag just a bit! We are now up to two words...."bye-bye" and "momma"! I think she is a genius! :)

The Journey: Court date moved

We found out today that our August 26 court date has been moved. We go to court tomorrow! Let me tell you the miraculous part of that...we found out through a blip in a conversation or we might have missed it all together which would not have looked good to the judge! God is looking out for us.

Please pray for the judge as she makes her decisions for the future of Baby Girl. We are not holding our breath that Baby Girl's mom will sign termination papers, but we have total peace with that. We know God has this all under control. I can't say I am ok with Baby Girl going to live somewhere else, but I don't see that happening in the cards with this particular situation. But I also know enough about these types of situations that until the adoption papers are signed, nothing is final!

At this time, I would say my biggest fear is a family member of the dad coming out of the woodworks to want Baby Girl. I don't think the workers in this case would go for that, but the judge has the final decision.

Please pray also for Baby Girl's mom and grandmother. I fully believe Baby Girl's mom loves her the only way she knows how. That doesn't mean she can care for her in a way that is best for Baby Girl, but it does mean this is a very hard process.

We have an amazing relationship with Baby Girl's grandmother and are so thankful for that. It will provide a link for Baby Girl to her biological family that my sons don't have. We even had a chance to meet Baby Girl's aunt a couple of weeks ago. It's fun to hear family stories about her family.
Court is at 10....will update when I can!

Excited about a book!

I had a friend who has followed my journeys and frustrations for several years now. She found herself in a similar situation and found an amazing book: When Life and Beliefs Collide: Knowing God Makes a Difference by Carolyn Custis James. I have just started it and am so excited to see what God reveals through this faithful women's words!

In the introduction she explains how the book came to be. It is mainly because she was struggling as I have, and I believe many others if they were honest have, with what you do when your reality doesn't line up with your theology! There are things I know in my head because I do believe that God is good, He knows and wants what is best for me. But knowing that in my head and making it mesh with the things in my life leave me perplexed many times. I know it's because I don't truly know the character of God! I know bits and pieces, but if I truly understood and knew Him like He longs for me to know Him, then I wouldn't struggle near as much.

That is basically the point of Ms. James. She had a theology professor make a statement that there are no great women theologians. That challenged Ms. James and she went on a search....first within herself. I love the analogy she uses of Mary vs Martha! How many of you have said you were one or the other? I know I have caught myself doing that. But the reality is, God wants us to be BOTH! Have you ever heard that preached before? I really haven't. Cynthia calls these categories the "women who think" (Marys) and "women who serve" (Marthas). This is what she says about our bend to place our selves in one or the other categories: "The distinction is unfortunate, for it leads women to conclude that these two spheres of life are disconnected and incompatible instead of inseparably intertwined and that theology has not put in the living of our lives." Wow! So true!!! And I believe the church of America makes this distinction like none other I have seen! And here is where I can so relate with her! "Doctrinal statements may keep us orthodox, but they don't seem to matter much when our families are falling apart and we feel hopeless." And here are a few other quotes that I can totally relate with and make me want to sit and read this whole book today!....

• "It seems to me that life's struggles are the shortest route to a deep appreciation of our need to know God better."
• "We have lived too long with a false dichotomy where we must choose between Mary and Martha. Jesus flatly rejects these categories. He calls us to be a composite of the two: women who take time to know him better and whose theology informs and emboldens their ministries to others."
• "Thinking about God's sovereignty is one thing. Connecting it with a painful personal crisis is quite a different matter...It is in the trenches that we learn it is never enough to know about God in our heads. We must know him in our hearts."
• "The ability to articulate and debate theological ideas, even from a pulpit, doesn't prove you are theologian any more than spouting facts about the United States president means you are his personal friend." - this is my favorite!!

If you are struggling through a circumstance or reality that leaves you questioning God's character or has you trying to align what you know with what you feel, I would encourage you to pick this up! We can take this journey together! Leave me a comment if you are going to be reading it and we can chat about it together! ...and thank you Priscilla for recommending it to me! I can't wait to see what God teaches me through these pages!

The Journey: We said no

We had a call today for another foster referral. We said no. This is only the second time in my life I have ever said no to a direct referral to our family. It's hard! I have to rely on John. I would take them all, but that is not what is best for me or my family. John is the voice of reason and wisdom at these times. It used to be a problem. He would say no, and I would get irate! But now I know God placed John and his heart with mine to keep balance.

Truly, we agreed on this decision. I would probably still have taken him, because I know there is a "him" coming, but if we took this one, we might have missed the one God has picked out for us....I totally believe God hand picks ALL our children - adopted, biological and foster! And I believe those desires he places in our hearts for ages, sex or race leads us to the child that He has for us. I always encourage adoptive parents to pay attention to those longings placed in their heart concerning those things. Obviously, we need to pray about them and make sure they are not selfish desires, but since adoption is a string of decisions made that ultimately makes a difference in the child you will receive, I firmly believe God directs us with those longings and desires as we make the decisions.

The Journey: How do you do "it"?

For those of you counting, the referral we turned down would make number 6. Are we crazy? Probably. Why would we do it? Because we are called. And the question I always get, "How do you do it?"

I have thought a lot about that lately. Especially with the consideration of adding one more. When people ask me how I do it, I truly don't know how to answer that. I guess the only answer I can come up with is, "How do you not do it?" God gave me five children. I know without a doubt each child was hand picked by God to be in my home. Each child has his or her own unique finger prints of God all over his or her story. I don't doubt whether any of my children were meant to be here. Knowing that, what else do I do but "it"?

With each child after Ava, I've wondered if we were "done". I was content...especially after Toben. I had my four: two boys and two girls. Perfect! Well, that was when I was judging by the world's standards! God has a plan for my family. A plan that He reveals to me one step at a time. People who have known us for a while usually look at John and say, "when is she going to stop?" The answer to that, when God stops!
With each child, I think I can't do anymore! I'm overwhelmed at first with another little person needing my attention. But once we get in a groove, and God starts whispering to me about the next one, I see that one more would work!
I am not super woman! I am not some special mother who was given a great measure of anything. I am just a simple old housewife who loves the Lord and has a heart for orphans. In fact, frankly, I am probably one of the least likely to have a large family - I have a very difficult time staying organized and schedules pretty well elude me. The larger the family gets, the more crucial these things are!

As I think about how I do "it", there is truly only one answer! I came across it again this morning expressed in Acts 1:8, "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you." If you look up power in Strong's, it says, miraculous power, might or strength. It is derived from the word meaning, "to be able - to have power." That's it! That's how I do it! It is through miraculous power, might and strength. It is truly not by my might but by His that I am able to parent five children and think of adding another one. When God first started preparing me for the idea of another one, I was pretty overwhelmed, and frankly, scared! But as our loving God does, in my times with Him as I have prayed over this, He has shown me in His Word just how "We" will do it! He's not asking me to do it on my own. He will empower and equip me. If I try to do it on my own like I do so many times in life, I will fail. But if I press into Him and let Him equip me, then one more is totally doable! A week or so ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with just five and John! But God took me to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."...for when I am weak, then I am strong."
I have learned that when I can do life by myself, I do! I don't press into God. I coast along taking care of business. But when life is more than I can handle, that is when I spend life on my knees, pressing into God, and only then can God truly be seen in my life!

Do I want to add one more? Some days yes, some days, no! Does it scare me? YES! Most days I feel like I fail miserably in just about every area of being a mother and wife. My house isn't clean enough, I didn't spent enough time with my kids, they watched too much tv, I didn't fix a balanced enough meal, the laundry is piling up, the refrigerator has unrecognizable items in it....the list goes on and on.

But here is the bottom line. God commands us to care for the orphans. Many believe orphan is defined by a child whose parents have died. That is such a narrow definition, and one that I think is totally inaccurate! The children entering our child welfare systems in the US and around the world are orphans! Maybe they are temporary orphans, but orphans all the same. They are in need of a family - a home - a mommy and daddy to love them unconditionally. Some of them make this harder than others. But all children have a right to a home, family and mommy! So whether I have it all together or not, children are in need. As our social worker left yesterday and I asked about children coming in, she actually used the word "epidemic proportions"! We have a crisis...an epidemic! The answer: The Body of Christ! We must step up and care for these children!

Will it make you popular? Nope! Will you be told you are crazy, stupid or a myriad of other things? Yep! But what is God saying? Is he saying that 2.5 children is not the normal family in His kingdom? Is he asking you to be His hands and feet so that He can be a Father to the Fatherless?
Yes, we passed up a referral. No we can't save them all. But we can take in the ones God has for us. When I was changing Madison's diaper last week, I had weird thing happen. I saw a picture in my mind of Baby Girl playing with a little baby that had an afro. It was clear the child was African American and a little boy. I immediately was overwhelmed with the sense that it was a baby that we will have. I don't know it if is a baby we will get to keep or just one that we will foster and return to his family. I still had my heart set on a little girl so I could do those braids! :0) That has been my dream since we lost Eden. So I am sure God gave me this little picture to open my heart to the possibility of a little boy. This has left John and I with a choice: believe those around us who say we have done more than our share and 5 is enough, or believe God who sent His only son to die for us and keep following Him as He asks us to stretch ourselves one more time!

We will see what happens! We are praying for wisdom to know when the child that God has for us crosses our path. In the mean time, I will keep asking you to consider it...will you be a foster parent? The epidemic will not go away if we ignore it...in fact it will just get exponentially worse as these children being raised in the system have children who statistics say will end up in the system also. Let's show the World the love of Christ and power of the Holy Spirit by caring for the least of these!
**If you enjoyed this post, check out my friends' posts about similar things at Building the Blocks and Bonkland.**

From the Addy's Hope News Blog

I am cross-posting this from the Addy's Hope News Blog...thank you faithful prayer warriors! I believe we are seeing the first mortar fall from the wall we have been marching around for a year and a half now! I hear the sound of cracking brick and we will soon march over the ruins of wickedness and corruption that have kept us from heping the chidren! Praise God!!!


The meeting with the new Minister of Justice and other parties involved in the persecution of adoption it set for tomorrow morning. I have been in continual prayer for this meeting. I believe it was no irony that yesterday's sermon at my church was on spiritual warfare. But even before the message was delivered, during the worship time, I felt a strong sense of needing to pray for the battle waging for the children of Liberia. As such, I began praying for them. Immediately a peace flooded me. I believe this matter is settled. We will see great victory come from this meeting. Of course, my time is not God's time. I don't know that this victory will be evident immediately. My request to God is that we see immediate results, but I don't know that it will happen. I believe God was encouraging me to hang tight and not lose hope or question the outcome if immediate results are not evident. He will bring about that which has been settled in His timing...which is rarely the same as mine! Can anyone relate?!

This morning as I prayed again about the meeting, God took me to Psalm 33 and 34. I ask you to join me in proclaiming the Word over this meeting and the situation with adoption and children in Liberia. Let me remind everyone that this is much bigger than just adoption. We are talking about leaders in the Ministry of Health who have taken, from the last report I heard, over $300,000 (US, not Liberian dollars) from children who are in orphanages that have nothing to do with adoptions. This is the money the government was supposed to be giving those who care for the children to feed them. This money was literally stolen out of the mouths of the children by the very people set in authority by President Sirleaf and her people to care for the "health and social welfare" of these children. Anyone else see a serious problem?

So my prayer is not that adoptions open. Yes, that is part of it, but I am asking you to pray that these people be brought to justice and removed from their seats of authority so that Godly men and women can be put in authority and the well-being of the Liberian children can once again be at the forefront of what the Ministry of Health and Social Welfare is doing.

Here is what God brought me to and I am asking you to agree with me in prayer:
Psalm 34:
7 ~ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them.
8-10 ~ O taste and see that the Lord is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him: O fear the Lord, You His saints; for to those who fear Him there is no want. The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.
15-22 ~ The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against evildoers, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones, not one of them is broken, evil shall slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.

Psalm 37
7-15
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land. Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there. But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity. The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laugh ts at him, for He sees his day is coming. The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow to cast down the afflicted and the needy [orphans and those who care for them], to slay those who are upright in conduct [those of us who have spoken out publicly against the corruption in the Ministry of Health]. Their sword will enter their own heart, and their bows will be broken.

34~ Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I am dancing for joy at the truths in those verses! The authority is all God's! He will deal harshly with those who plot against His people and especially against His children! Praise Him! To Him be all the glory from the outcomes of this meeting!

Concerning what I believe to be God speaking victory over the wicked in power over the care of children and the battle waging for these children:
Psalm 33:9-12 ~ For He spoke, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast. The Lord nullifies the counsel of the nations; He frustrates the plans of the peoples. The counsel of the Lord stands forever. The plans of His heart from generation to generation. Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people whom He has chosen for His own inheritance.

Thank you for journeying with us and praying for the children of Liberia. I look forward to reporting to all of you prayer warriors the victories we will see in the days, weeks, months and years to come. I have always believed that God has big plans for Liberia and intends to make Liberia a power house nation....much like American. But He must have righteous leaders before that can happen. Your prayers are working to bring that about. Just one more time we as Christians are called to a very small part of a much larger picture! Thank you for your faithfulness and dedication. Words can't express the gratitude I have for those of you praying with us!

For the oppressed,
HollyAnn

The Journey: A crazy Week!

This week is one of those when I wonder how foster homes where both parents work make it! This is what happened this week:
Monday - 10-12 birth mom visit in the town 20 miles away
Tuesday - 10 well check that we didn't leave until almost noon
Wednesday - 10:30 permanency meeting in that same town that is 20 miles away
Thursday - 10 meeting with social worker from Buckner (didn't show or call grrrrrr....)
Thursday - 1 meeting with other social worker from Buckner for quarterly visit

And that doesn't include all the phone calls made or conversations I had to have pertaining to Baby Girl! AND she doesn't have therapist appointments like so many do.

It is sooo worth it, but it definitely isn't just taking care of another child like your own. Lots of paperwork and meetings involved.

It has been a crazy week! And on top of it all, John was out of town on business until last night. No wonder I'm tire! :) But it is all worth it!!!! And I think everyone should do it! :) We need more foster families! My foster home developer told me today that they are turning away 8-10 kids a week because they just don't have homes! Craziness!

The Journey: The Meeting is over

Went to the Permanency meeting. Thought I was prepared for everything, but turns out I was wrong. Wasn't prepared for a question they asked Baby Girl's Mother. They asked if she would be willing to sign paper to allow us to adopt Baby Girl. Really wasn't prepared for her answer: "yes".

Two times in my life now I have sat at a table with a young mother and heard her say she would be willing for me to take her child as mine. There are no words. Only tears....I tried, but couldn't stop them. Baby Girl's Grandmother was there, whom we have a wonderful relationship with, and she mouthed, "It's ok!". I just shook me head and smiled as the tears ran.

No papers have been signed, and as they say, it ain't over till it's over. But the fact that Baby Girl's mother would even consider adoption by choice is a new development and makes my heart sing..at least for a short bit.

But at the same time as it sings, it breaks. Breaks for a mom who for whatever reason can't get it together enough to parent her child. My prayers is still that one day, she will! One day she will have a life that will allow her to parent a child to adulthood. Many would say that is an impossibility and would wonder why I would even think about that. But I serve a God of impossibilities, and I still want that life for Baby Girl's Mother.

Thank you for your prayers! They were answered, and I would say God provided an answer that is more amazing than I had even thought to ask for! Praise Him!!!!

The Journey: Permanency Meeting Today

We have what they call a permanency meeting today. It is when all parties involved in the child's life meet to discuss the best plan to provide a place of permanency for the child. It's a bit crazy to go to a meeting where people are discussing the fate of a child you already consider yours. But the reality is, she is not mine...and I try to keep that perspective as we go about daily life.

Really the only apprehension I have is facing Baby Girl's mother as they possibly tell her that the recommendation will be termination. I don't approach this subject with Baby Girl's Mother as I don't ever want her to feel like we are trying to take Baby Girl from her. I would fight if I had to, but my prayer is that the system will work and they will do what is best for Baby Girl and the brunt of this will rest on the system. I'm not just being a chicken here. But when we started this journey, I didn't know if we were here for Baby Girl or for Mother. So, I have a heart for Mother. I know many find that hard to believe, but I truly do. My prayer through this has been that God would give me His eyes to see all parties. He answered that. I didn't know what I was asking when I prayed that. I think it makes it much harder as I will hurt with Baby Girl's Mother instead of just celebrating Baby Girl being mine.

Please pray for all parties involved this morning. Pray for Baby Girl's Mother that God would prepare her heart for what the meeting might bring and somehow this would draw her to Him. Pray that I will accurately represent the heart of God with every word and action I have in the meeting.

Here I go...

It may be an all-nighter!

There is a really important meeting in Liberia this week regarding adoptions! It is "our" chance - the pro side of adoption to be heard. There is a new Justice Minister that has been named. She is looking over many issues that have been dealt with in Liberia - and lucky for us, adoption is one of them. She knows there are things that haven't gone as they were supposed to - like us paying money directly to the Ministry of Health - which is not supposed to be done according to government protocol. Eva Morgan has already been removed from her post at the Justice Ministry - Praise God!! She is the one who said, "This is not America. They don't need to eat three times a day." And in a meeting I was in and heard for myself, she said, "Poverty is no reason for placing a child for adoption. Why do we have so many adoptions? Do we need more support for families?" Duh!!!!!!

But even with her gone, we still have the people in charge at the Ministry of Health who are totally corrupt. We need to be heard at this meeting. We will be dining with the enemies...but that's ok because Psalm 23:5 says that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. God guides and protects me, and He has prepared a table before my enemies. My cup overflows! Praise God!

I believe this is what we have been waiting for! President Sirleaf was warned by me as well as other key people that listening to those on the Presidential Adoption Committee would cause her great embarrassment. She has been listening to lies of the corrupt. And as Psalm 10 promises: "You [God] have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand
The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none. The LORD is King forever and ever; nations have perished from His land. O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." Hallelujah!

So please pray! Pray that the truth will be told and heard. Pray that those in attendance of the meeting will be open to hearing the side of the adoption service providers that has been silenced by those in power. Pray that God will open the doors wide for the children of Liberia to be helped through adoption.

I will be fasting and praying July 16 for the meeting and all those in attendance. There are some adoptive parents who have flown over there to attend the meeting. We have one family, but there are some from other agencies as well. Pray that they are heard. We also have one of our older boys going to speak. Pray for him, his name is Prince. Pray that He would speak the heart of God and be bold for all the orphans he represents! He is an amazing young man!

I'm excited! For the first time since the turn over of the orphanage, God has shown me a glimpse of what all the letters I have written and the battles I have fought might be about to help accomplish. The coolest thing? Maria Luiken of WACSN, who is Liberian, is responsible for this meeting! I have always wanted the Liberians to lead the charge. Maria is an amazing women! She is very much responsible for my son being home. She has been under great warfare as she has battled for the children. We may not agree on everything, Maria and I, but the two things we very much see eye to eye on is: 1) we work and fight for children! We do this because we are called of God and love the children of Liberia and 2) we don't care anything about who getting the credit for the battles, we just want the victory! We just want the band lifted and the corruption stopped so safe adoptions for children can pursue! May it be, in Jesus Name!

Will you fast and pray with me? We need warriors! Pass this along, please! We all know that truly, these people in power are not who we are fighting for they only have the power God allows them to have! Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powerful forces of evil in this dark world! We need warriors praying to send these evil forces back to the abyss!

Can you tell I'm excited! :) God is bringing a new thing....a stream in the desert! That is the first thing I thought of when Maria called and we talked and I knew that this meeting really is crucial. So this may be an all-nighter! I have five years of documentation to go through and send to her to get to the Minister for review before the meeting! But Praise God I have documentation of letters written and letters received! The truth is in them! The path of deception and corruption can be found weaved in them....and it's time for it to be told! Praise God!

For the "professional" version of the meeting prayer request :) go to our Addy's Hope News Blog.

Jehovah: I AM

I love it when truths wash over me and renew me from the inside out. God has been doing that a lot lately in me as I try to make peace with the past, live in the present and look to the future. This morning, that peace came through Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Praise God!

As I read that this morning in my study of names of God in Embraced by the Father by Susanne Scheppmann, I had to stop at "forget the former things." In my human perception of things and my tunnel vision view, I am having a very hard time letting go of my faith walks that didn't turn out like I had planned. But as I read these words this morning, it was God whispering them in my ear..."Forget those things, let go. Do not dwell on those things! I have them in control. Look at the new thing I am doing! It is springing up! Don't miss it for looking backwards trying to figure out what you will never understand this side of heaven!" All these thoughts have passed through my mind before, but this morning, it was as if the Holy Spirit was spraying my mind and spirit with a power washer to release my thoughts and emotions to all that tied me to the orphanage I had to let go and the baby girls I never got to hold and other personal dreams that I know are God-given, God-willed desires that have yet to come to pass and greatly effect the way I view God.

Jehova, Yaweh: I AM! Who is He? How easily I have let the Christians around me and the circumstances I find myself in redefine God for me. He never changes...He is the same yesterday, today and forever! But I can get so wrapped up in the things people say about me, the way people criticize me, the circumstances that effect my day to day life that I forget who He really is!

He reminded me today of who He is! He is I AM! He is the one who sees my past and asks me to forget it! He asks me to look at what He is doing now. He needs me to move past that past so that He can do a new thing! I'm ready for a new thing! A new thing in my calling for children and orphans, a new thing in my family, a new thing in my personal struggles with sin. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about today and looking forward to tomorrow! Stay tuned...God is doing a new thing! It is springing up and I will perceive it, in Jesus Name!

My amazing daughter!

I truly have an amazing daughter! She is my oldest...my first born. John tells her all the time that we are so sorry that she has to be our guinea pig for parenting (he is the oldest too, so he relates!). Its true, though. Ten years ago, we were clueless as to how to be a parent. I wouldn't say we have it figured out now by any means, but I do think with age comes wisdom and at the very least, I have some of my priorities more in order than I did 10 years ago!

Callie is 10 going on 20! She has always been mature from her age...almost from the womb! Because of that, I think I take for granted her maturity in so many areas, and probably expect more from her than I should.

She has had a perception of the spiritual world from the beginning, I'm pretty sure. I know as soon as she could talk, she asked questions that I didn't even know to ask until I was almost an adult, like at 4 she says, "Mommy, how do you know when God is talking to you?" Me: "Well, He sounds like your voice, but you Know it is Him because you learn to know His voice." long pause: "Mommy, what if He tells me something different than you do" Me: "He won't. Right now He sounds a whole lot like me!" Ok, probably not one of my most positive moments in spiritual parenting, but I wasn't exactly ready for that from a 4 year old. Callie had a recurring "visitor" in her room from the time she could talk until she turned her life over to Jesus. His name was Red Rover. Even now, when she talks about it, I am amazed. She has seen and been spoken to by angels. She has an amazing heart for the less fortunate. She blossomed when Toben came home. She took him under her wing and has done the same with Baby Girl.

She already serves in our church by volunteering in the two year old class on Sunday mornings. I love to hear her talk about "her" babies! She loves those little ones...in fact, she has talked about moving up to the three year olds if there is room in the class for another volunteer because she misses the ones that have already moved into there. She also serves on the children's Praise Band in the Movers and Shakers! She goes around the house singing her songs and doing the motions! I love it!

All this is coming today, this morning because God woke me up at 5 for coffee! I love it when He does that! Morning has always been my favorite time of day. I love it when my house is quiet and it is just me, God, my coffee and my Bible! However, over the past couple of years as I have battled depression, mornings have turned into very hard times for me. So on mornings like this when He just wakes me up and speaks, I love it! Well, at 6, Callie's alarm goes off. She had set it so that she could get up and move her laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go back to bed! Seriously, what 10 year old does their own laundry (she is not required to do this) much less sets their alarm to get up and switch it?! I am blessed to have her as a daughter! She is amazing and I can't wait to see what God does with her life!

Callie Grace, I love you!!!!

~Mom

For My Children

I have put it off as long as I can. Kind of like the post about it! I want to send a video to my (well, God's children) at the home. I want them to know that "MOther HollyAnn" has not forgotten them. I want them to know that this is a good move that I fully support and believe is an answer to prayer!

A family is traveling next week, so I am sending it with them and have to get it in the mail. I am also sending some notes with Bibles to some older boys who will more than likely age out even if the adoptions open before we can get them out or boys that I just think need to know they are God chosen leaders...whether in Liberia or America!

So today may be hard, but when I am weak then He is strong! Love it!

Lover of Truth

So this is why you stay in the Word even during those times that it seems to bring nothing or your prayers seem to hit the ceiling...because if you keep at it, eventually, the ceiling will open up and His love and truth will pour down as it did this morning for me! I am basking in what He brought me that encouraged me beyond belief during this really difficult time.

Turning over the orphanage has left all kinds of doubts. And satan takes those and runs with them. I have tried to battle them, but really, as tired as I am of battles, I have allowed myself to just lay down and wallow in some of the doubts. But this morning, the Holy Spirit picked me up and brushed me off and said, "We need to get moving! There is a mountain ahead that you will miss if you stay in this valley. There is more valley ahead and the mountain to climb to get to the top, but if we don't get moving, we will never make it." So I am walking again!

I ordered a book several weeks ago called Embraced by the Father. It is evident in my struggles that I truly don't know the character of God. If I truly understood WHO He is, I wouldn't struggle with many of the doubts and unbelief that surface right now. So I felt led of the Spirit to do some studying of WHO God is. I have started and stopped this book throughout the past few weeks as I have struggled through this time. But this morning, God reminded me why I MUST know WHO He is and stay in the Word! And boy am I glad I did!

This morning was on El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One. Even as I wrote that title on my journal to begin the study, I kind of rolled my eyes. I know, not so respectful to the Almighty, Creator, but it was where I was. He hasn't felt so All Sufficient lately. But that's the great thing about God - He doesn't change with how I "feel"!

I am so encouraged to be reminded from 2 Cor 12 that when I am weak, that is when He is strong. This time in my life right now is a time for Him to shine like no other! I am beat down, discouraged and feel totally inadequate. So this is a time when He can swoop into my life and show me how I can be strong in Him in all these areas! The outside world might never see a difference, but I will know, and hopefully it will be reflected somehow to the outsie world, that every step I take is because God has given me the power to do so and He will receive the glory for it!

The last of the author's chapter sums it up for me:

"[speaking of Sarah and Abraham] Sarah chose to dance with El Shaddai. Although she laughed at first, she decided to believe he could do what He said He could do. Sarah put aside her deficiency to allow His sufficiency to lead her to the path of motherhood. She knew that God Almighty was enough, is enough and will always be enough. Me too. I know that despite my lack of proficiency in any task, if God Almighty - the All Sufficient One - wills it for me, He will lead me in the perfect divine cadence to accomplish it."

I am encouraged!!

The "Thing"

It's now 2:00 am. The Thing I didn't want to do is done!

I haven't blogged about it because there were many steps before I really felt comfortable talking about it publicly. Now that its out there, I'm sure posts about how we got here, how I've gotten here, wherever "here" is, will come.

For now, let me just say, it's been hard...well...hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Why was it so hard? I can give you many reasons....some make sense...some are excuses...some you would understand....some you wouldn't.

There have been many steps in the process of turning over the orphanage to Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions. When the decision was first made, and everyone agreed to make the transition, there was relief. The burden of feeding 40+ children and paying the salaries of 16+ staff (who then feed their families both immediate and extended) every month has been a heavy one. God has been faithful. I don't ever want to go without giving Him full credit for the blessings He has poured out on us as we struggled this year and a half. But almost every month our checking account would literally go to less than $100. I would know that there would be a phone call or e-mail saying they were on their last bag of rice. John and I have supported it personally until we almost put ourselves in personal financial ruin. But that is a post for another time! So having that burden lifted by Lifesong taking over was a huge...well...relief doesn't really describe it...but it is the best I have.

But like any good idea, it has to come to fruition. With each step that brought us closer to the reality of Addy's Hope no longer having an orphanage, the harder it became. The last couple of weeks have been agony. There is no other word for it. The process has put me in a crisis of faith that I haven't seen since I came home from Africa without Eden.

I always get blasted when I put that on here....that I have a crisis of faith...but I am here to tell you if you haven't had a crisis of faith yet, then you probably aren't doing anything with your faith! I know very few people who are walking a life totally sold out to Jesus that don't have crisis of faith. When you walk by faith and not by site, things just don't look like we are used to them looking....that rocks your world. As I always say, it is not the crisis that is an issue, it is what you do with it that is! Even as recent as yesterday, I wasn't sure I would make it out of this crisis. I was ready to sit right down in the valley and stay there.

I know that's wrong! I know all the "right" answers. But the thought that backing off of God's work would bring less attacks..well..that sounds pretty good! It would not be truthful to say any different!

What do you do when the thing that you have poured five years of your life into seems to come to a crashing halt? Not a nice little end that you can put a bow on and has no lose ends or frayed edges? This ending has more questions than answers! It has left me wondering how I will take any step of faith from this point forward. The thing that has taken me to the brink of insanity more than once over the past five years, the thing that has strained my marriage more than any other one thing in the past twelve years, the thing that has taken me from my children more than any other thing in this life....it is ending with what by my human eyes seems to be worthless results. Don't get me wrong, I see the value in Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions taking it over! I truly am excited to see what God does with it now....but why couldn't He have done that through Addy's Hope? Not because I care what name is on it, but because I love the children. Because I had that vision and would like to have seen it fulfilled. Because I have had to give up more dreams in this life than I have seen fulfilled....and I'm not talking earthly, worldly dreams! I am talking God-given visions for Kingdom work.

I don't understand it. I know that I will grow through this. In fact, as I e-mailed Emmanuel and the Knapps just a little bit ago, God brought to mind what has come to be knows as my "least favorite scripture", James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As I always say, the only problem with that, is that there is an assumption that you want maturity! Lately, maturity hasn't been on the top of my list...in fact, throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists sounds much more appealing!

I have questioned everything from my ability to hear God all the way to His actual existence. Why? Why does a Christian who truly desires to serve and love God with all her heart end up in this place - a place where she even questions His mere existence? I am sure there are many reasons, but as God showed me tonight, one of the biggest is pride. I hate my flesh! I hate the fact that I feel entitled to anything in this life after God sent His only Son knowing the fate He would have. I hate it knowing that Jesus faced far more undeserved persecution than ever I will and endured it all because He loves me! But no matter how much I hate it, its there! When I have been at my lowest the past couple of weeks, I have actually said the words. I have actually spoken with my mouth the vile pride that says I deserve something because I have chosen God's way.

Even in choosing God's way, I deserve death. I deserve death because I am a sinner! No matter how hard I try, I will always be a sinner! That is what happened at the fall! But God saved me! And because of that I owe Him my life....heartache and all...I owe Him.

God,
Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my selfish ways. Thank You for saving me. Thank You that even when I have turned my back on you over the past few weeks, Your Word says you have never left me nor forsaken me. Thank you that those words are true whether I believe them or not! Your love amazes me! It brings me to my knees and puts me on my face! As I have said so many times through this ordeal, may it bring You glory and praise! Even out of the pitiful acts of selfishness I have committed these last weeks, may You be glorified and praised! God help me do better! May I look more like you now than when this started.
I love you, Abba!
~Your Daughter

It's Done!

Thank you Lord for grating me the strength, the words, the opportunity.

It's Done!

It is here.

The thing I don't want to do...

It's 11:34
I can't sleep
My house is quiet
My mind will not be

There is something I need to do
Something I don't want to do
Something I have needed to do for some time
Something I don't know how to do
Something that has grown harder with each step
Even as I got out of bed knowing I wouldn't sleep until it was done...
I found things to do to procrastinate doing it
Like totally messing up my blog while trying to redesigning it

I can put it off no longer
Slow obedience is no obedience
God has said to do it
I must do it
I don't know how
I sit with my Bible beside me
I will read until I know how
Until I have the words and more than that, the strength

It is a good thing
It is a God thing
More good than not
so many questions
So few answers

It is time
"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." ~Isaiah 7:9
Lord, help my unbelief!

Lifesong for Orphans

This banner has great signficance to me...more to come....

What if he sank?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if some of the Bible stories we read turned out differently? I have a lot here lately! We all know the story of Peter and how he walked on the water. If not, here it is!

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

But what if the story was written differently? What if Peter sank the moment he stepped out of the boat? What if he never walked on water? Yes, Peter did sink eventually when he let the water and wind scare him - and Jesus corrects him saying he had little faith and asking why he doubted? What would Jesus have said to him if he sank the moment he got out of the boat? What would the moral of the story be then?

I know I will probably get blasted for this post because I usually do when I am as transparent as I am going to be right now. You see, if my "walks of faith" were recorded in the Bible like Peters, then the moment I stepped out in faith would be a sinking moment. Walking on the water rarely happens for me. When God says, "Come to me and come in faith forgetting the storm around you;" I usually sink with the first step! I know He told me to come! I know I walked in all the faith I as a human at this point could muster, and I learned a lot in the step and the wet of the water, but I want to walk on the water to SEE the miracle - to SEE my faith become sight before sinking and getting wet! It has left me questioning faith, questioning trust, questioning God and the directions I have received from Him in the past and where He is leading me now. I am in a hard place.

I know the Truths...I know what the Bible says! I know unbelief is the biggest obstacle to most Christians living the abundant life, and I am no different! I am wrestling with God. I am sure I will come away with a limp...or a missing limb or two...but I believe God is big enough to handle my questions! I believe He would rather me wrestle with Him and ask these questions that to just stick my head in the sand and pretend like I know all the answers and none of the hard stuff bothers me.

My prayer these days is simple....God, show yourself to me! Not in the little ways you do everyday, I know He is here, but in a HUGE - this can ONLY be God way! I just need to know He is real and that He loves me the way He says He does. Should he have to do this? NO! He already did it when He went to the cross, I know that! I know I deserve death, but I have life instead. But despite that, I am struggling with trust - with belief - with faith. I think this struggle is healthy! I am wrestling through it to come out stronger on the other side. It is different than my struggles in the past - it is making me dig deeper - it is stretching me like I have never been stretched. It is taking every once of my being not to believe the lies that are hurled out me moment by moment - the ones that are reinforced by almost every circumstance in my life right now - but are in total contradiction to the Word!

So I pray on my armor every morning and usually feel it falling off by the time I leave the room I am studying in...I find myself just standing in one place saying, "Jesus!" over and over again as I know that is the only name that will silence the voices and bring the peace that passed all understanding.

Jesus, if it is you, tell me to come to you and don't let me sink! And forgive me for my unbelief even before I have stepped out of the boat!

The Journey: Foster Due Date

I was talking to another foster parent the other day, and she asked, "when's your next court date?" I had to smile because I realized how often I ask and am asked that these days! That is usually the first question I ask a fellow foster parent if I know they are fostering to adopt. And it is usually the first question we are asked by people who know the process of foster to adopt. So it hit me that this is the "when are you due" question for foster parents! When you see a friend who is pregnant, or find out a friend is pregnant, you usually ask, "When are you due?" But for foster parents, that question is "when is your court date?" because that court date is what determines if that precious child gets to be in your family forever or will be moved or returned to their biological family. Just an interesting parallel I drew as we continue to walk this new journey of fostering!

The Journey: Time with the family

So today we spent a couple of hours with the family - Baby Girl's maternal grandmother and half-siblings. It is all just so surreal. I have never been a cheerleader for open-adoption, and still am not really, just one more way I am politically incorrect in the adoption world. However, I am enjoying seeing where this relationship with Baby Girl's family goes. The grandmother respects boundaries, in fact, we haven't really had to put any up because she is very guarded about being intrusive. We text off and on to update her on Baby Girl's progress, and I e-mail her pictures every now and then.

It has put me in a position I never really wanted to be in, but at the same time am enjoying. God, once again, is stretching me, and this time, it is pretty enjoyable! From some of the questions Noah asks, I feel having a relationship with Baby Girl's biological half-siblings will be beneficial. We will have answers for her that we don't have for Noah. We have told Baby Girl's Grandmother from the beginning that we want to maintain contact with her and the children. We will let Baby Girl dictate what the "contact" looks like. If at anytime when she is older, it becomes confusing or she asks to not be involved with the biological family, we will honor that. It is unfamiliar ground...quite unnatural territory as you look at children who look just like the mother of the baby you hold and care for and wonder if she will look just like them? You know the pain some of those children have been through in years past, and you pray that the baby you love as your own for today will never have to face those same pains.

Not really sure what emotions are going through me right now...not really sure what to do with what emotions I have. This is all unfamiliar, unnatural and unreal! I feel like I am on the outside looking in so many times as I have always said I wanted to foster, but just couldn't do it because I couldn't let go. Some days, I stare at the chunky cheeks creased in a smile at me and wonder how I got here! How did I end up with this precious baby girl sitting in my lap staring up at me with such trusting eyes? Will I ever have to let those eyes go? Will I ever have to tell her good-bye? If I do, will I survive? Well, the answer to that is "yes", but sometimes it feels like it would be "NO!"

As I struggle through the emotions sometimes, God gently reminds me of something He gave me several weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about fostering. I realized as I talked about my fears of letting Baby Girl go, and God quietly spoke, "You are only promised today with all of your children. I have not promised you tomorrow with any of them." As I hear those words, Addy's sweet face, the one from the only picture we have of her, crept into my mind! The sound of Eden screaming as she was ripped from my came flooding through my ears - and I knew He spoke Truth. Today is all I am promised with any of my children! I don't love my other four children less because there is a chance they will not be here tomorrow. Why would I love her any less either? So my saying now is that we love Baby Girl for today because for today, she is ours! Tomorrow will come and then it will be today, and if we have her, we will love her....just as I do all my children!

And so The Journey continues....

You asked for it...

You asked for it, so here it comes! I have had many people over the past 10 years tell me I should write a book. I kind of laugh it off. But when I retold the story of Eden on Ava's birthday, there were three or four people who again, said, "You should write a book!" After the second person, with each person that said it, the Little Voice that often whispers in my ear said, "They are right, you should write a book." Since I have purposed to listen to that Little Voice more in my life, I am now writing a book! So those of you who have ever said, "You should write a book," need to know that when it is published, you WILL be purchasing one! Hee! Hee! That way I know I will sale at least 10 or so!

John has brought me on his business trip, and God was clear that this was the perfect time to start the book...and really, for the first time, He has given me a clear picture of what to call it and what it is to be about....most definitely NOT about me! But about how HE has worked in my life and called me to the things in my life for HIS purposes. So I am sitting in our hotel room while John is at his conference, overlooking the ocean and boardwalk (pretty close to heaven I think) with no children, sitting at table with my word processor open and ready to type....so here it goes! I'm writing a book!

Girls are so much fun!

Anyone will tell you that I love my boys! I LOVE the mother/son connection. There is nothing sweeter than one of my boys coming up out of the blue for a hug or kiss or crawling in my lap to watch tv or just to chat! For some reason that is just a unique feeling with my boys...love it when my girls do it too, but my love to see that tenderness in my boys!

But baby girls are just about the most fun I think I can have in life! I know, I probably need to get a life if that is true.....we will talk about that in about 19 years! LOL!

I have had so much fun with Baby Girl! Actually we all have! Callie and I have some tifts about who gets to dress her...well, usually if Callie is willing to get her ready, I'm game with whatever she puts her in unless I already had a specific outfit in mind. Callie is a HUGE help with Baby Girl! I realize more and more how much you have to work as a team the larger your family becomes!


So here are some fun pics of Baby Girl over the past couple of weeks. Pink, bows, watermelons, crowns, we do it all!

Still here...

Haven't posted in a while...have lots to post...just not much time or not much energy or not much to share on a public forum or not sure my thoughts would make sense to the world our there...much like this sentence! Ha!

We are enjoying the summer and I am ready for the kids to be out of school! I am looking forward to a fun filled summer reconnecting again as a family as we have let too much get in the way of our family this year! With the addition of Baby Girl, we need to get back to some family time routines!

I was going through pictures, and I have so many to post....maybe I will get a couple up here in a bit....just wanted to let everyone know I'm still around! :)