Pure joy.....getting there Part Two

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" ~Romans 8:28

"The will of God does not entertain defeat. God doesn't waste any experience in our lives....Every defeat contains a treasure." ~Mary Southerland

When I read Romans 8:28 now, I realize that my definition of "good" has changed! Used to, "good" meant it worked out MY way.

After returning from Sierra Leone while struggling through my desire to just walk away from God and all He wanted from me, there was one person whom I had been corresponding with and had told me to call her to talk about what I was facing right then. I of course put off the phone call because I really didn't want to hear what she had to say. But then, after knowing I couldn't be that "beautiful woman" with out God, I decided to call her and just see what she said. This of course was also a part of my legalism. If I *did* all the right things, then I would have griping rights for being miserable. When I called her, she told me two stories. One of them I can't remember, but I do remember thinking in my head, "ya, ya, I know that! Doesn't really help me because I really don't care!" But the other one made me stop and think! She told a story of how a friend of hers felt called to go to Russia to be missionaries. This friend and her husband believed with all that was with in them that God was calling them to Russia. They were in their retirement years, so money was not readily available. They spent over a year trying to drum up support so that they could follow God's call. After a year of support letters, speaking engagements and much prayer, they still didn't have enough to go. This friend went into a depression over not being able to go to Russia. She just knew God had called them to Russia and didn't understand why He hadn't followed through with *His* plan. My friend said she asked her friend what her goal was in going to Russia. Her friend answered that she wanted to follow God, to bring Him glory, to make much of Him. Debbie asked her, then why are you so down about this situation? Did you follow God? Did you do all you could do to walk the path you heard him call you down? To which the friend answered "yes". Then Debbie asked her, then where was your hope? Where was your trust? Basically, what is your problem? Then she said something that transformed me: If you wanted to glorify God, then you did that. He is still here. He has not gone anywhere or changed just because you didn't go to Russia. He was glorified in your obedience. He is much more concerned about what is happening on the inside of you than in working out all circumstances to your liking.

That was profound for me. It made me stop in my tracks of legalistic thinking! If my goal was to glorify God in Eden's adoption, then why was I so disappointed? At some point in the journey, my goal had gone from glorifying God to just wanting Eden home. God's "good" in this journey was to transform me from the inside out. While Eden or Addy neither one came home, I was a new person! I had learned about perseverance, I had learned about the sustaining grace of God, and I had learned the US immigration law as it applied to adoption that allowed me to work in Liberia and bring home 19 children so far. Working "it" out for good according to God's purpose was to make me a new person, a person more open to hearing his voice, a person who desired His will over my own, a person who understood that He cares so much about who I am on the inside that He would take me and all those around me on a nearly two year journey that would end in what the world would call disappointment. But as my definition of good was tranformed, I knew that God truly had worked it all for good according to His purpose because He made me new!

a budding artist!

This is what rounded the corner of my kitchen earlier today! Who needs paper???


The foot print of the budding artist left behind on my kitchen floor!

Who's the boss anyway?

Here is a conversation I just had with my three year old:
Toben: Mamma!
Me: What?
Toben: I fall down!
Me: didn't respond (he was right beside me and didn't "fall" down, but was laying on the carpet
Toben: Mamma!
Me: what?
Toben: Say, "Sorry, Toben!"
Me: Sorry, Toben!

:O)

Pure joy.....getting there

Ok, I posted a few days ago (if I was really good, I would link it here, but I haven't totally figured all that out yet!) about the pure joy scripture. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" -James 1:1-2 That post described my inability to see my current struggle, which you now know is depression, as a joy.

But over the past week, God has met me in the pit! This morning, I can say that this struggle is pure joy! Not because I love being depressed but because at the end of myself, in the bottom of the pit, there is no where to go but to the arms of my Savior, my Best Friend, my Redeemer, my Strong Tower. I am totally out of the way, and He can speak more clearly. He can whisper, and I hear Him. I am forced to be still, cease striving, sit quietly, stop spinning around, and know Him...know He is God!

One of the most profound understandings I have learned from my current pastor is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I have known for some time that knowledge "puffs you up" (1 Cor 8:1), but wisdom is the beginning of the fear of the Lord; yet I was never really sure what was the difference. Patrick always describes it as head knowledge (knowledge) and heart knowledge (wisdom). In order for a truth to become real, to pass from your head knowledge to heart knowledge where it takes root in the inner being of your soul, where it transforms us, we must experience that truth in life. As I have walked through the past four to five months (or really the last 3 years), much of my head knowledge has become heart knowledge!

So many things that I wrestled with about walking this earth as a Christ Follower and the character of God has been revealed to me in this time in "the pit". I will try to share some of these with you over the next few days.

The first one is the understanding of "salvation".

After Eden's adoption, trust of God was my biggest issue. I had stepped out in faith. I had heard his still small voice, sacrificed "my" desires for His, and "all it got me was heartache". My husband blamed me for the financial state we were in since our $15,000 adoption of two children (which with the tax credit would eventually be free) had turned into a $30,000+ non-adoption with no tax credit. My family who hadn't been too keen on the idea to begin with now really thought I was nuts. I had to watch my 5 year old wrestle with losing two sisters she already loved more than I ever dreamed she would (she still says we have SIX children!). I was ready to walk away from God. I actually told God I was finished. I know my salvation is sealed. I didn't do anything to earn it and I can't do anything to have it removed. So I came to the conclusion that I would live like so many Christians that I saw around me. I would walk in the security of eternal salvation, but my life here on this earth would be about me. I told myself there were no more rules. For the first time in my life (at least to my knowledge), I was open to willful sin (I know I sin daily, but I was always too scared of the wrath of my parents and then of God to "willfully" do any "big" sin!). I told myself I could leave John; I could have lipo suction and get a boob job; I could buy anything I wanted; I could find a man that made me feel good and just have an affair; I could go back to work so that we had money to do all the above. You name it, I thought it! Nothing was off limits! If I thought it would make me happy and ease the pain in my heart, I could do it! If it would "feel good", I could go for it! I was not talking to people in my life that I knew would speak truth. I didn't want to hear it! I didn't want them to tell me what I already knew (in my head only)! I was mad at God! I felt abandoned by Him. I knew the Bible said He would never leave me nor forsake me (head knowledge), but my heart was telling me that was a lie.

However, right before I left for Sierra Leone, a friend had invited me to do an on-line book club with her. The book was Captivating. They had started it while I was in Africa, but I had decided to try and catch up when I got back. John had accepted a contract to teach a week long course at his Alma matter in Dallas, so a few days after returning from Sierra Leone, I was in a hotel room in Dallas with a five year old and four year old. We spent a lot of time at the park, and they would nap in the afternoons. So this left lots of time for thinking. Something I really didn't want to do right then. But reading Captivating made me think. A lot of that book was very hard for me to read (for reasons not related to the adoption), but there was an underlying theme that kept me intrigued. There is a "beautiful woman" that is described several times in the book. As I wrestled with what would make me "happy", what I wanted out of this life (remember, no rules at this point), this "beautiful woman" is what kept coming to mind. This "beautiful woman" was described as being so confident of herself in Christ that when you talked to her, your soul could "breath". That she had such a peace about her that women were drawn to her because she was a place of rest for them. As I wrestled with my "happiness" I realized that what I wanted most in this world was to be that woman! Even with no rules, my heart's desire was to be that "beautiful woman". As soon as I realized that, a still, small voice said, "and just how are you going to be that woman with out Me?". And that started my journey back to God.

A baby named Audrey

You just have to read this family's story! What a precious testimony they have! Adption isn't the only hard road when it comes to our children!
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

God speaks.....

I am cleaning the kitchen from breakfast and have the radio on and am contemplating this adoption thing...wondering how we will ever pay for another adoption or raising another child! But I also wrestle with the complacency of Christians toward the children of this world. American Idol Gives back touched me, but I was sickened that people who don't know Christ have more compassion for the children of this world that those of us claiming to have the love of Christ. Many (even my closest friends) would say my plate is full.....I would be crazy to adopt again, yet there are children in need, and we have love to give! Then I hear the words, "I'm about to let go and do what I believe!" I believe in reaching out to children in need of a home! God does too! So I looked up the lyrics to this song....when I read all of them, I just sat with tears streaming down my face! John is down loading it right now so I can listen to it again.....I think this is going to be one of those diving (when I proofed this I saw this spelling mistake, supposed to be divine, but decided to leave it because 'diving' fits too!) moments that when I look back in a few months or years, I will know God spoke to me and moved me from my comfort to letting go!


BarlowGirl - Let Go
From the album Another Journal Entry

Yeah, I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it’s bigger now
And I’m afraid You’ll let me down
But how can I be certain
Will You prove Yourself again?

Chorus:
Cause I’m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that You’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me?
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You’ve shown
Your plans are better than my own
And I know I won’t make it
If I do this all alone

Crazy for sure!

Ok, I just posted about how depressed and in the pit I am. Yet, there is this familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach......I long for a baby! I truly have lost my mind! Two of you who read this are responsible for this issue! Two of our adoptive families have answered God's call to bring home children while they wait for Liberia to get their act together so they can bring their Liberian children home....one of these precious families is also expecting a baby through pregnancy! Go Courtney! Well, I was fascinated, so I asked one of them how they came to find these precious children. Funny thing, these two blamed the other for their blessing! At any rate, one of them, Carolee e-mailed me the link to the referral service where her precious little girl came from. She said to look at my own risk and I was silly enough to bookmark it! Before Carolee sent me this link, I had not looked at a situations site in two years! I told her it is all her fault! She gladly accepted blame! :) I would LOVE to have a newborn AA baby girl! I want hair to braid! I know that is crazy! But it is something that is deep in me that I can't shake...and John says I can NOT grow out Toben's hair to braid it! :(



I feel my biological clock ticking! I have always told John I may drive him crazy right now, but I truly don't see myself as a person who once kids are about grown having this overwhelming desire to have a baby. I want to have time after children to follow more of my dreams to work in adoption on a larger scale. (Courtney, this is for you!). I told John today when I am old and gray, I want to start a free domestic adoption program! That would be a dream come true for sure! But I am not getting younger, and my baby is almost two and poopied in the potty for the first time this week! So it is time for a baby around here!

Having said that I confess that I e-mailed about an AA baby girl due here in Texas at the end of May. The only thing standing between us and her is about $24,000! So John said look at the state to see if they have any availabilities. So I did. I know they never have babies on their sites, but I found these statistics that just made my jaw drop! (Note, these statistics were BEFORE the 416 children were removed from the polygamist compoung in El Darado outside San Angelo about 2 hours from here!)

Are children available for adoption in Texas? Yes, through both public and private adoption agencies. For example, in 2004, Texas had 10,047 children in the welfare system waiting to be adopted of whom 553 were under the age of 1 year, and 3,535 were between ages 1-5 years old. The actual number of children adopted through Texas public child welfare agencies was only 2,556, which represents only a small portion of the total number of all Texas adoptions (exact numbers are not available at this time).

Did you see that???? 10,047 children!!!! That is a whole town! What are we waiting on? Maybe I should do this even in my pit!!! The Christian community HAS to step up! Children need us...children right here in our own back door! I don't have to go to Africa to find children in need...there are 10,047 right here in my state...just one of 50 in this great nation we call home! But I know I am preaching to the choir here since all my readers are adoptive families! :) Thanks for letting me get on my soap box for just a minute there!

In Texas, they are actually looking for churches to step up and help with this issue. This is off the state departments website:

Prior to 1875 the faith community was the institution that dealt with the miss treatment of children. We would like for the faith community to get involved again with the mission of helping abused and neglected children.

Child Protective Services (CPS) needs foster parents for children of all races and ethnicity's, ages newborn through 17. CPS also is seeking adoptive families for a wide range of children with a special emphasis on older children and sibling groups.

In FY 2007 CPS received over 241,000 reports of child abuse and neglect, completed 163,466 investigations and confirmed that over 71,000 children were victims of child abuse. The state of Texas is asking for your help. We understand that as an agency we can not care for all the children in the state alone. Sometimes it takes a congregation to raise a child.



John doesn't know this yet (he fell asleep on the couch while I was doing adoption searches hee!hee!), but I put in a request for information from the state department for foster/adopt. There is an informational meeting (we went to one in 2000 in Lubbock) on April 22. Maybe we will go........

Confession

Well, where to start.

The reason there have been weeks with no posts is because I was scared to post. Scared to put what I was feeling out there for others to view. Scared to really even acknowledge to myself the depth of what I am facing.

But over the past couple of weeks, God has shown me so much. And today I know its ok to share because it doesn't change what He thinks of me and truly that is all that matters (easy to say, hard to believe!).

The reason for my silence since coming back from Liberia is that I finally hit the bottom of the pit of depression. I have been battling it for some time, but the darkness fully engulfed me over the past few months.

Many of you may be thinking what I always thought of people struggling with depression...she must have an issue with God to be in the pit of darkness or if she would just trust God more, she could over come this....well, you are right! But as I posted a week or so a go, every time God takes me to the end of myself, He shows me more of Him. And I am learning a LOT about Him right now!

What pushed me into the pit? Well, there are many things. Some of them too private to share in such a public forum. Our trip to Liberia was what pushed me over the edge, but it is not the sole problem, just the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. There are years of stuffed pain that I didn't deal with because I didn't know how or because well meaning people around me told me I didn't have the right to feel that way. There are many things I could say, but I fear I would ramble. So instead, I am going to post some things from Mary Southerland's book "Hope in the Midst of Depression" because she says it so well!

*When you bury pain alive, it keeps popping up at unexpected moments....we must deal with our past....We can allow our past to defeat us or we can harness that past and use it for power today. Painful experiences we try so hard to hide can be changed from the quicksand of defeat into stepping stones of victory and healing.

*He [Jesus] modeled the truth that the foundation for health in every area of life is balance. When our lives are out of control and unbalanced, we are an easy target for depression.

*Nobody become depressed overnight. Nobody overcomes it overnight. The journey out of the pit of depression is a process of steps uniquely planned by your Father. He is the Guide for your journey out of the darkness.

*To wait means to accept the pit. When we commit our lives to God, nothing touches us that doesn't first pass through His hands. And as painful experiences pass through those hands of love, those hands that are committed to our growth, that painful experience is transformed. what once was destructive becomes a tool in the hand of our loving Father, who will take it, put a handle on it, and then use it as a tool for our good.....He loves us too much to waist our pain. He is more committed to our long-term maturity than our short-term comfort.

*Picture falling into a slimy pit. Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle and fight your way out. Then, when you have used up all of your energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest and wait for help because that is all you can do. You have no other options. When we come to the end of ourselves, then God begins His work of healing and restoration.....Part of waiting involves seeking. To wait on God is to seek Him, to examine every circumstance in search of His fingerprints. Waiting is trusting. Waiting is resting. Waiting is the absolute confidence that God will intervene. That choice to wait demands trust on our part because acceptance grows from the fertile soil of trust. {HollyAnn's interjection here: This is probably the reason I didn't deal with the depression effectively when it first started! As you know if you have known me since Eden's adoption, trusting God is my hardest thing! I fully believe He has taken me here to make me trust Him...it is working! What other choice do I have?!}

*Our weakness and helplessness are an invitation for the power of God to take up residence and display itself in our lives. {HollyAnn again: Hallelujah! This has always been my number one goal....to glorify God. Yet, in depression, that is difficult to do...who looks at a depressed person and says, "I want what she has?!" So I can't wait to see how God uses this weakness to show His power! I am ready to see it!}

*Pride always hinders authenticity. Emotional health begins at the point of emotional integrity, which can be truthful enough to say to our selves and to others, "I need help." We cannot be right until we choose to be real. {HA again: But strong women don't need help! Spiritual women have all they need in God}

*Stress, hurry and intense activity can cause us to lose our perspective, to disconnect from ourselves and from our purpose in life. The busier we are, the more we need regular solitude. I love the Greek motto that says: "You will break the bow if you keep it always bent." I broke. {me too!!} One of the main reasons I broke was that solitude had never been a part of my life. I was too busy being spiritual. I was too busy trying to earn God's love and approval. I was too busy trying to be good enough. I was too busy running from the past. During my two years in the pit, I gave up every role of leadership in order to spend time in solitude, seeking God. It felt as though I were giving up my identity because so much of who I was had been built upon what I did. {me again: the very reason I have not dealt with the depression really before now. It would require me to back off from the things that "identify" me....even people close to me couldn't see me not doing some of the things I have had to let go of. Another lie from the pit!}

*As I struggled with the guilt and self-condemnation of my frailty, the Father taught me an important truth that has revolutionized my life. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. He love me- warts and all. If I never do another thing in the kingdom, He still loves me.

If you are struggling on any level with depression, I highly recommend Mary Southerland's book. It is transforming my life, and I see a light that I know this time is not an on-coming train as I have felt so many times over the years, but is my Savior, my Night in shining armor riding in on His white horse to come and save me!

Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer Psalm 40:17

Say, "Jesus!"

I can't get the video to work, so I figured I would share some pics of my newest addition!


You know when English the way we West Texans speak it is your second language, I guess it is an easy mistake. When Toben takes a "picture" of us he holds up his camera and says, "JESUS!".




I really do have other children, but they are at school most of the day when these pics were taken! :)

Pure Joy???? Ha!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance -James 1:1-2

Of course this is one of those versus that all of us who grew up in church can pretty much quote. Yet, the meaning still evades many, dare I say most Chrsitians in Amercia. I am right there with them! There are many aspects to this truth that God has been refining in me over the past four years (really the past 10, I just didn't realize it until the past 4...really slow learner!).

As I have reflected on this verse over the past year or so, I have found my main problem: you must desire perseverance in order to consider it joy that you are gaining it! There in lies my problem! Do I really want perseverance? Do I really want to look more like Christ? Of course the church answer would be "YES!". However, as I have faced the trials in my life over the past few years, I have found that many times I am crying out to God that I don't want to look more like Him if it means hurting this badly or being this lonely or being this misunderstood. So do I really want to look more like Christ? Yes, I do. But do I want it badly enough to rejoice in these trials? I am not there yet. I want to be there. I want to desire God and His ways more than I desire my own comfort or easy life. But I am just not at that point.

I read about Christians in other countries who suffer to the point of death. (The death thing doesn't bother me once bit, but the suffer part before it scares me!)Christians who sing praises as the fires engulf them or their nails are being torn out. How do they do that? What am I missing about who God is that they know? We in America don't know what it is to be persecuted for our religion. Maybe we get the occasional snear because we mentioned God or have to fight a battle to keep the ten commandments in a court room (if we showed God's love in that same court room would we have to fight to keep the ten commandments there?!), but really being persecuted has not been a part of the Christian life since I have been alive here in America.

Many times I just think I have led too easy of a life. I accepted Christ when I was 10 years old. I have really not known life with out Christ. When Jesus said those who have been forgiven much love much, he wasn't joking. Sometimes I am jealous of people who had to struggle before their conversion because I know they truly understand the grace of God. I think many time I miss it. Maybe that is it! There is the joy part. My struggles now are what are bringing about the understanding of God's grace....I am just having to experience it this side of my Cross instead of the "before" side. Hmmmmm something to ponder more..............

Video Help!

Ok, I have tried three times now to upload the video. It says it is loaded and processed, but then it won't post to the blog. Any suggestions????

Shake it boy!

John's favorite thing to tell Toben is "Shake it boy! This is the result! In case you can't understand, he is saying "shake my booty!"

Garage sale

We got Toben home a little sooner than we expected, so we were not fully ready financially! So the last part of our expenses had to go on a credit card. Now we need to pay the credit card. Can I tell you how stressful finances are?! ugh!!!!! That is enough to give me the high blood pressure right there!

Anyway, we are having a garage sale this weekend to raise money for the adoption. We did this with Eden and made $1400, but we also advertised for people to donate items to us. We haven't done that this time as I just didn't have time.

I am one of those weird people that love garage sales! I don't mind shopping them now and then, but I LOVE having them! I know, weird! I love finding things in my house that we don't use any more and getting some cash for it. I price things at what I would pay for them (I am VERY cheap!) and feel like that is helping two people. I get rid of junk and earn a few coins, and someone else gets something they need!

Our tithe from the proceeds will be going to the Orphanage Project Liberia Check out this awesome project of my two dear friends, Kami and Jeremy Johnson!
So I will report proceeds after this weekend!

White Momma Needs Help!

Ok, I am admitting white momma failure here! Toben's head is horrible! He is all dry and flaky. John was washing his hair every other day, which I think is probably too often. So we are switching to once a week (although this morning the pediatrician told us to wash it every day, I'm not sure she knows what she is talking about!). I have tried two different types of lotion and even vaseling (because that is what the PA at our pediatrician had recommended). So suggestions for getting rid of flaky scalps is greatly appreciated! Maybe this is why I don't have a girl! :)

My baby boy

I did not journal on my trip to get Toben. I hate that I didn't, but in the state I was in with all that happened, I just couldn't. I couldn't relive the days events in order to write them down. And the days when all good was happening, I spent my evenings enjoying my little guy as my days had been filled with agency business so I hadn't gotten to be mommy. By the time he went to bed, I was too exhausted to try and journal. I knew I would regret it, and I do. I have a horrible memory! But I am praying God will be gracious and as I reflect on the pictures, the memories will come back.

I have been going to post for a week now on some adoption thoughts, but haven't been able to. Toben has done wonderful! We truly have been blessed! We could not ask for a better transition! He does not appear to even mourn his old life (I know that will come later even if we aren't dealing with it now). He has bonded wonderfully. He seeks my comfort when he is hurt (Or he wants to tattle!) and has appropriate emotions/actions. Truly, it has been a dream.....except for me! I remember some of the same feelings with Noah, so I am giving myself some slack. But this time, it has been compounded with all that happened while in Liberia and shortly after. The stress of that has just made my bonding to Toben difficult. I will explain more in a longer post later. I just share that because I have some dear friends who are throwing me a blessings shower on Sunday, and I want to take some pictures. I may have to stay up all night tonight and tomorrow night, but I am determined to have some of Toben's scrapbook done for the shower. So I was looking back through my trip pictures, and I was flooded with emotion! First, he has changed soooo much! He looks so little, and now that I know him better, so scared in the pictures! He is always smiling now, so the fact that the smile was missing most of the time shows me how scared he was!

As I look at the pictures, I remember where he was.....and that God brought him half way around the world to be my son! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss one day of giving this little guy all the love he deserves! I haven' watched the DVD from the trip that one of our sweet adoptive parents put together for us. I am just scared of what emotions it will evoke. BUt now that I have looked at the pictures, I know I need to look at the video.

I know for me, with adopiton, there is a mourning that has to occur before I can truly embrace my child. I am a baby person! So for this adoption there is a mourning of the baby I will never have in Toben. The three years I have lost with him (We think he is three as we got his case history and it has his birthday as Jan 16 2005, and that seems about right!) have to be mourned. I have to mourn so much other that I don't have time to dealve into right now, but I will share later!

I just wanted to share some more pictures with you from my trip. My precious little guy! Here he was in Liberia!

Getting to know each other!

FOOD! His favorite thing!






The Beach....our favorite spot!

Tests are back....

You know from my last post that there is a lot going on with me! Thank you for all your kind comments and e-mails! I assure you the prayers mean the world to me. I know that my Savior carrying me is the only way I am making through life right now!

I did get the tests back and all is normal. I know I should be excited about that, but I was hoping they could find something wrong that I could take a pill and fix! :) But it seems that stress is the issue, so John and I are praying for direction and wisdom.

The End of Myself

Every time I think I am at the end of myself, God takes me a little further. I know it has been a life long process as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was 10 years old. Yet, the heat was turned up when Callie was born, we moved away from family, and God began redoing my faith. My faith became mine in college, but during the last 8 years, He has been showing me where many things I believed as part of my religion were not scriptural. That sounds so easy, yet to come to a place where lies are replaced with truth in my inmost being is a very painful thing.

Many times over the last 8 years, I have thought that I was at the end of myself. Yet, today, I know He has taken me one step further. I had blood work done. They are testing for a few issues because physically, some things are not right. I have high blood pressure for the first time in my life. Even when I am pregnant, my blood pressure is very low. Yet, the last two times I have been to the doctor, it has been pretty high. My mind is foggy most of the time. At times it is so bad, I can't complete a sentence. My day timer has become my best friend as I have to write EVERYTHING down to remember anything.

I truly am struggling with all this. I am anxious to hear the test results. Yet, what if there is nothing physically wrong? What if this is all due to the stress of my life? I know scripture says that God does not give us more than we an handle in Him. I know the in Him part is the key! And I do that to the best of my ability. I spend time with Him every day...and not just because I want to check it off my list but because he is my best friend! I want to know Him better than I know anyone else in my life. I have people, one in particular, who speak wisdom and truth into my life in love. I am doing all that I know to do in order to trust God with all that is in my life, yet still these physical issues. This morning as I thougth of some of the issues in my life, I noticed my hands went numb. Later as I was thinking some more, my feet went numb. I am no doctor, and this could totally be coincedence, but I immediatly became concerned that the numbness was a result of my blood pressure going high again.

As I panick over issues that are happening in my life right now, I hear, "You walked in obedience, that is all you can do. The rest is mine to handle." Later, as I was writing in my journal, I hear, "I am taking you to the end of yourself to that I can be glorified." As I am crying out for God to speak to me, to calm my spirit, I read Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God". Such simple words, yet such a difficult thing to do for me....but when God takes me to the end of myself, what choice do I have but to cease striving, and know that He is God? When He takes me to the point that there is nothing I can do to improve a circumstance or a situation, what choice do I have but to let Him be God? That is where I am! If only I can find the peace that truly comes from that place! If only I can cease striving, truly trust, truly lean on Him. Then will flow the peace that passes all understanding as I rest under His wing!

Happy Easter!

Here are some pics of our Easter! Hope you enjoy! I know you guys have been wanting pics of Toben....I have had a hard time blogging since coming home.....more about that later! But I am trying to get back into it! So here are some pics! Enjoy!

Matching outfits....a splurge I don't allow myself often!



My boys! So handsome!





My girls! Such beauties....inside and out!




Bubbles from Nana and Granddad (John's dad)were a hit! We all laughed at Toben's precious giggles when the bubbles would fly! Only for Granddad woudl I allow bubbles inside my house! It was just too cold to go outside. We did have to stop after there were enough bubbles on the floor that everyone started slipping and falling down!





After lunch we did the egg hunt! Noah thought I had done great job of hiding his eggs when we realized none of his eggs had been hidden! They were still in the sack! oops! So we sent him away while we hid his eggs! I have found that having four children provides lots of opportunities for oopses like this!







We did things a little backwards this year. We dyed eggs after the egg hunt! I wanted the kids in their outfits for the egg hunt and din't want them to change clothes twice and definitly didn't want them in their Easter clothes to dye eggs! So here is our dye job!

Was I in an orphanage? Part 2

Well, Noah didn't forget about the pictures and yesterday, with John and I, he saw his sweet bio mother's face for the first time. He teared up and got sad because he says he misses her so much. I of course became defensive! I hate that feeling! I am an adult! Why does a child's emotions about a mother who gave him life bring that out in me?! Anyway, John, the ever loving, non-emotional man that he is, offered to put the picture in a frame in his room. What?!!!! You want to put the 'nother mother in his room?! I wanted to deck him! Ok, I will admit John had the "right" response, but I still wanted to deck him! Luckily, God was gracious to me even in my jealousy and Noah just said he wanted the pictures in his baby scrapbook that he LOVES to look at so tha the can see them when he wants to! Ok, now I feel better! :)

It is crazy that I would get so defensive. But he is MINE! I am the one who has had to deal with the anger, who wipes the hiny and the tears! I am the one who has to explain why he is living with us instead of the mother who grew him in her tummy. I have to say that I used to have no sympathy for bio mothers. I know it sounds like I still don't! That is not true. Just a mommy trying to deal with a sons questions that bring up fears and scary thoughts of life later. Just dealing with my own insecurities as a mommy (thank you all for your kind comments in part one of this post!).

Honestly, God taught me so much when I met NOah's birth mom. There were some things that made me really dread meeting her. But when I met her, I was overcome with love and compassion! Here sat a woman who lived life the only way she knew how. God taught me so much in that moment about my world! It was the beginning of lessons I would need to work in Liberia, West Africa. I cannot look at everyone through the eyes of my middle class, white, American world. No, the choices this young lady made did not make sense to me. But as I sat adn visited with her, I realized that in her world, they made perfect sense! They were all she knew!

So the pictures will go in the Scrapbook and Noah will know that a precious young mother mad the most selfless decision she could ever make and gave him a life that she could not. He will know that God ordained him for our family and we are so thankful. We pray for his mother. We will always pray for her. And one day, if Noah feels the need to know her, I will stand beside him as we find her and welcome her into our family as God welcomed me into His!

My sweet Savior

I love Easter! I love reflecting on what the Savior did for me...our pastor always says he doesn't understand why Christmas is so much bigger than Easter because with out Easter, Christmas would just be another day. I didn't get that when I first heard it, but the more I know more Savior the more I get it!

This has been a rough year. Probably one of the roughest ever. I can't put my finger in exactly why, but my faith has been stretched and pulled to new heights. One of the things that struck me when we came home from Liberia this time is the HUGE sacrifice Jesus made for me. I konw that sounds silly, but it really hit me that he had a choice! As we had untrue statements published about us and found ourselves scrambling to defend our selves to adoptive families, government officials, the US state department, etc, etc, I couldn't help but think of my Jesus. He had false accusations made against him too! False accusations that were there because of me! I had to look inside myself and see if given the choice that Jesus was given...to walk away from the suffereing, the accusations, the pain, would I have gone to the cross? I would love to say that I would have, but had I really been given a choice, knowing what I would suffer, I dare say I would have chosen the easier road. Yet, Jesus didn't! As I read in John this morning, it struck me again. John 16:5 says "Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was." He left that glory to come to earth to be falsely accused, beaten, nailed to a cross and die for me....and for you! He left the ultimate relaxing and fulfilling vacation, the most intimate and fulfilling relationship, the most luxurious mansion our minds could fathom, to be born in a stable, grow as a poor boy by this world's standards, carry his cross to a hill covered in blood from my beeting and hang on a cross to die. Knowing that, how can I tell Him no? How can I not tell everyone I encounter about my Jesus? He did that for me...and for you! If I were Jesus, you would all be in trouble! But thank God, my Jesus loved me enough to choose the hard road! Thank you, Jesus, may I live in a way that honors your sacrifice for me!

Was I in an orphanage?

Noah came into the kitchen today after Toben got in trouble confused in the fact that he was never in an orphanage. He was thinking he had been. I told him that I got him right from the hospital, from his 'nother mother (that is what he calls his birth mom) to my arms, no steps in between! He reached up for me with tears in his eyes. I picked him up and he layed his head on my shoulder and I asked him what was wrong. He said sometimes when people cry (Toben had just been crying because he was in trouble), it makes him miss his 'nother mother. I asked what he missed about her? He didn't know. I tried to explain to him that he never lived with his birth mother. Then he said he missed his brother and sister. I told him he never met them either as they didn't live with his mother. They had been adopted by two other families. He said, "Well, I just miss her." So I told him that was ok and that I was sure she missed him to. I told him we had pictures of her with him when he was a baby if he wanted to see them. He smiled. I told him that we would wait until Daddy came home and then we would look at them if he still wanted to.

I also told him that we used to send her pictures of him. She doesn't come into the mission anymore, so we stopped, but that our friend who helped us find him knows to call me if she ever comes in and wants new pictures. He asked where she lived and I gave him the city. He wanted to know where her house was and I told him I didn't know. That when she had him, she didn't have a house and that was one of the reasons she let us have him. He seemed happy with that and went to play while I finished lunch.

Of course I wanted to fall apart! After those conversations, I always drive myself crazy analyzing everything! Did I say enough, did I say too much? Is he having issues that I am not seeing? Drives me crazy! John just takes it in stride. He always says it bothers me way worse than Noah and the fact that he talked about it and shared it means its ok. I guess that is a good point! If he is comfortable enough sharing those feelings with me, then he will talk about it whenever he needs to.

Adoption is just hard. I always think of the proces as hard, but after that is the easy part. I am learning, it is just hard, period! It is VERY worth it, but it is hard! I wouldn't trade Noah for the world, but there are days I wish he was born to me....that his story is like all the other "normal" kids. That he has sonogram and me pregnant pictures like Callie and Ava. Not because I want him to be different than he is, but because I don't want him to ever feel any bad feelings because he is adopted, but I know that I can't keep that from happening. That is the worst part of being a mommy....not being able to keep my kids from hurting!

Ilma Cloe Siddall September 22, 1918~March 7, 2007

Grandmother and my Callie


On Friday night at 10:15, I had the privilege of holding my Grandmother's hand as she left this life. Grandmother and I did not always have the best relationship. I can remember when I was young times that she told me how fat I was and how pretty my cousin was. But yet, as years went on, we had an understanding between us. I am not sure when the change occurred. I spent many weekends with Grandmother and Granddaddy in Eunice, NM. I was the only grandchild who really would spend weekends with them, but I loved it! I even went with them on many of their job trips as Granddaddy was a pipe inspector for Shell Pipeline. We picked up shells on the beach on one of their jobs. Grandmother has a shell collection that is unbelievable! We would read, bake or just spend time looking through books together.

One of my favorite stories of Grandmother was our trip from Albuquerque when she was taking me home. Grandmother didn't know how to pump gas! I couldn't believe it! We were about to run out of gas, and she said she couldn't get any gas because she couldn't find a full-service station. I died laughing and told her to pull over and I would teach her how to pump gas. I was 8!




Grandmother was also the one who told me Santa Clause wasn't real. That wasn't one of her best moments in my life! But I look back now and know it was all in love.

I was always the one called in when Grandmother wouldn't behave herself when she was sick. Four years ago, she suffered a serious heart attack and needed surgery. She did not understand the severity of what was happening to her, and would not sign the papers to give consent to the surgery despite my uncle and Daddy telling her she needed to. I just got right in front of her nose, bent down and told her she didn't have an option. She would die with out the surgery and we needed her to sign the papers so that she would have a fighting chance. She just looked at me and said, "Well, I guess I don't have a choice, give me the papers." That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done as none of us expected her to survive the surgery, but Granddaddy wanted her to have the surgery. With out it, she had a less than 75% chance of survival. So when all the family went to dinner to talk about what we needed to do, I finally stopped everyone and said, "Granddaddy, what do you want." He said he wanted her to have the surgery so that she could come home. we all knew then she had to have the surgery for his peace of mind. That was four years ago! Many times during her recovery, she wouldn't eat. So they would call me in to go feed her. For whatever reason, Grandmother would not argue with me or be ugly to me like she was to other family. I could say things to her in love that no one else could get away with!

Then when she fell and broke her hip several months ago, she would not go to therapy. So once again, I was called in. It only took me staying with her for one day. She didn't want to go to therapy and I told her she didn't have a choice. God was not done with her, and as long as she was able, she was going to fight back. So she got up went and went to therapy that day, and every day after....she even got well enough to go back home.

Then she got pneumonia and that was the beginning of the end. Yet, she still fought back as much as she could. It has only been the last couple of months that she has been bed ridden. Granddaddy and I had talked on Tuesday that he just couldn't bear the thought of her not knowing him when he went to see her. On Wednesday, he went to see her and said he could not understand what she was saying and she didn't know him. So I went to check on her Thursday. She met Toben for the first time, but really didn't know how he was. She never did remember who I was that day either. You think you are prepared for those things, but I don't think you can truly be prepared for that.

Mom and Dad were out of town taking care of my sister-in-law who had just had surgery to remove her ovaries because she had a pre-cancerous tumor. They are the primary care givers to Grandmother and Granddaddy. SO after phone calls back and forth, I told them I didn't want Granddaddy going to see her by himself on Friday and that I wanted to take him out there. After I picked up the kids from school, we went out to get him and see her.

The Hospice nurse met us out there and explained that she had taken a turn for the worse and she did not expect her to make it through the weekend. She told Granddaddy that Grandmother could hear him and he needed to say everything that he wanted her to know. We all left the room to give them time alone. Callie broke down as Grandmother didn't look much like herself. This was Callie's first experience with death of a family member.

Callie and I went in after Granddaddy. I am pretty sure there was a tear running down her check when I went back in. Callie and I prayed over her and I told her I would be back in a little while. We took Granddaddy to eat and then my uncle met us at Granddaddy's apartment. A Hospice nurse was scheduled to come out at 11 and stay the night with Grandmother as we didn't want her to be alone when she died. It hit me then that she was alone right then, so I said I would go out and stay with her until the nurse got there. John had met us for dinner so he took the kids on home.

When I got back out to Grandmother, I sat on the side of her bed and sang some of the old hymns I remember. I talked to her about the times we had shared. Then I told her it was ok to rest now. She had fought hard and we were all proud of her. I told her she could go be with her mother.

Her mother, Callie (my daugther's name sake) died in child birth when Grandmother was 12. Grandmother talked about her all the time with nothing but love and longing in her eyes! I asked her if I could lay down next to her and go with her! I laughed that she was going to the better place, and I was a little jealous that she was about to meet our Creator!

Then I sat in a chair beside her bed and drifted off to sleep. I know God had to wake me up or I would have slept right through it all. I woke up and just sensed that I needed to go sit by her. So I did. She was breathing the same. But in the next couple of minutes, she started breathing my more shallow. So I called my Dad just to tell him. While we were talking, I was stroking her arm and hair. I watched her chest rise and fall, and the pulse in her neck. Gradually, her chest stopped moving and only her neck would move oh so slightly as she took her last breaths. I was talking to Dad and told him to hold on. I kissed her forehead and she took her last breath. Just like that. Not gasps, no jerking, just a peaceful good bye. I told dad I thought she had quit breathing and wanted to go get a nurse. I called him back in a couple of minutes to tell him she was gone. You think you are prepared, but saying good bye is always hard!

I had never experienced watching someone pass from this life to the next. What a privilege! As I waited for Hospice to get there to take over the arrangements from that point, I just thought about what had just happened. So many emotions! I thougth of my Granddaddy who just lost his partner of 63 years. I thought of Toben who will never know his Grandmother. But mostly, I thought of Jesus. My Grandmother loved Jesus...she knew Him! I could rejoice in her passing because she knew Him. But I immediately thought of people who don't know Him. Why do I not make sure every person I come into contact with knows Jesus? Once that last breath is breathed, it is too late! Why do I not shout it from the roof that they need to know Jesus....then I went from they need to know Jesus for that last breath to there is an urgency that they meet Him because He wants to give them peace in this life here on earth! He needs them to know Him now so that they can live for Him and point others to Him. Oh how important it is that my life point to Jesus!

We will pay honor to my beautiful Grandmother Thursday morning and lay her to rest on Friday. Pray for my Granddaddy! He misses her greatly! I tell him the story above many times! He wants to hear her last moments over and over. I tell him and we cry together! He is precious....and so was she!




The thing I will miss most about Grandmother is the way she would light up when my kids would walk in the room. She loved babies, so Ava was the light of her life the past two years! And Callie and she always had a special bond because of the love they shared for shells and Callie being named after her mother. Grandmother's favorite game with Noah was to tease him that she would hug him! He knew there was no way she could catch him, but he would laugh anyway!

Perspectives.....

I have really been struggling. Really feeling sorry for myself. Really questioning if I needed to continue on some of the paths I am on. I am really ready to be a stay at home mom who has no other responsibilities but her husband, house and children. The work God has me in right now is very stressful. Stressful in ways I have never known. It is hard to work sometimes when the people you work with don't know all the sides of an issue so they make judgements, etc. I take things way too personally! JOhn tells me that all the time. But I really care what people think about my reputation....not about me, like if I am pretty, or if they agree with me, but that I am honest and trustworthy, etc. But I am learning the closer you walk with God and the more He calls you to serve Him, even people that you think understand, will not understand. So that has made me want to walk out on some things. (I will post more about this as I work through it!) But today I had a wake up call....

I went to a reception for a dear friend of mine who is turning 50. She is a powerful woman in Washington DC and works in Sudan, China and South Korea for the persecuted church. She is amazing! When I was at the reception I met a pastor from Eithiopia who now lives here in America. I was talking to my friend's husband on the way out, and he started telling me about this pastor. He was persecuted in Ethiopia for his faith. He has been jailed 21 times, he was hung upside down and poured boiling oil on him, one of the converts with him had his eyes couged (sp?)out. I just stood there. You read stories about people like that....and I have even heard Brother Yun (Heavenly Man) speak in person. But to be standing there in conversation with someone in your every day life who has suffered that kind of persecution made me stop and think! I had just heard this man pray 10 minutes before this not knowing his testimony. Even with out knowing his testimony, he struck me as such a gracious and thankful person! There was not a hint of bitterness toward God or an attitude that God owed him because of what he had suffered. God must really hate my whiny attitude about my life and how hard it is! It really put things in perspecitve, and I had to spend some time on my knees asking for forgiveness and wisdom to overcome my stinky attitude!

Toben quote of the day....

John told Noah and Toben to go put on their pj's. They head to their room and Noah is playfully "encouraging" Toben to move in that direction. Toben turns around, looks at me, and plain as day says (we get major words, but some things definitly get lost in translation...but not this time!), "Noah beat me in the butt!" I tried to not laugh and correct Noah, but just about the time I had myself composed, he said it again! Then I just lost it! He has the most precious voice, and to hear him say that in his sweet voice just pushed my tired brain over the edge to toal rolling in the floor laughter. For those of you with out Liberian children, "beat" means hit! And butt is the main word for your behind! :) We are working on switching to a different word for that anatomy!

Noise level over load

Callie and Noah both have friends over today after school. That brings the child count to six! I know many of you who read this have more than that of your own, and I have one thing to say to you: God Bless you!!!! :) Toben, Noah and his friend are playing Star Wars while the girls are running screaming from the litesabors (not exactly sure how to spell that!). But I have to admit, even though the noise is off the charts, I LOVE hearing all the squeals and laughs! :)

Tomorrow is Friday...I didn't know....

A dear friend of mine sent me this e-mail yesterday. This is not a forward...my friend wrote this. She lives here in Midland. I couldn't even respond except to ask her permission to post this. Her facts are from the people she spoke to there by the parking lot, so she put the disclaimer that she has not researched the facts, but today, this morning, as she e-mailed me permission to post this, she said the parking lot is full and a parking attendant is there to tell ladies where to park when the spaces run out.....God help us!


Dear Wonderful Brothers & Sisters and Friends in the Lord,
It has been some time since you have heard from me on an update. Some of you I see often, but most of you I miss more than time has allotted us to fellowship.
Last week, I started working for a new organization .... I will share more about that in a later letter. Mainly I must tell you what happened last Friday. My first Friday here. I got up early and got ready for work. While I was getting ready I just kept thinking about a dear friend of mine. I couldn't get her off my mind, so I knew that I had to call. I've found that when that happens (you just can't get someone off your mind - you should just pray because they need you to at that moment in time) you should just call. Well, I called her and she was very sick. She had been vomiting all morning long. I prayed for her and just visited with her a bit. Then I went on to work. When I got there, there were all these people outside the building next door. The little dismal gray office building next door has a razor wire fence around the parking and it as well. Every single parking place was filled - there must have been about 15-20 cars there. There were a couple of ladies sitting outside the building on a bench. And outside the fence there were people holding signs. There was even a Catholic priest standing outside the razor wire fencing. What a picture. I got outside my car and my phone rang just as I did. I answered and it was my friend that I had called that morning. She said that she felt like the Lord told her to call me back. She was just about to tell me something and I saw this man walking next to the building, so I asked her to wait just one minute while I asked him what was going on. I had told her about the scene. He came over and I asked, "what is going on?" He said, "Today is Friday." I looked at him clueless as to what that meant. He said, "Well, today is abortion day. Every Friday is the day the doctors come to Planned Parenthood and perform the abortions that the ladies wait all week for." He said that he wasn't sure if it was 4000 babies every 6 months or every year that they kill here at the Midland office. I was just in shock. 4000....I grew up in a town of 783 people. Right next door to my building all these murders take place every Friday. My friend was listening on the phone. She just started sobbing. She said, "Now I know why I've been throwing up."
14 Years ago she went to Planned Parenthood. No husband. Pregnant. Her boyfriend left her. No career. They told her she just needed to get an abortion. She couldn't provide for the baby. What kind of mother would she be and what kind of life would the baby have. "Just have an abortion."
She didn't. Her son is now 13. He loves the Lord, is an awesome kid that is a great athlete. All his brothers and sisters look up to him and he is a naturally gifted leader. Not to mention the talk of all the other 13 year old little girls. The Lord provided in an amazing way. My friend went home from Planned Parenthood. Went to the Lord and He provided an awesome Godly man who loves that son as his own, because he is his own with all his heart. My friend wants to come and pray on Fridays at my office building.
When I park, I look at that Planned Parenthood. Tomorrow I am sure the parking lot will be full. It is really hard to work where I do in a way. My organization goes into prisons and teaches marriage enrichment courses for inmates who have spouses on the outside. They have an 85% divorce rate within the first year of getting released. We go into prisons to set the captives free, and right next door, everyday ladies are willing and walking into captivity, believing the lies of the enemy as he says - There is no hope....you have no choice. It is hard to work when I know at that moment just yards away a silent genocide is taking place. A little person...no voice of their own...just killed. Unloved and unwanted by a mother who knows no better and has no hope in her life. She just doesn't know.

Please, please pray with me tomorrow. I pray the Lord will overwhelm the ladies and workers in Planned Parenthood with His love and grace and call them to no longer be deceived to serving a god and idol of convenience. 42 million so far....and counting. 40 more million than those killed in Sudan. Midland would have around 140,000 people instead of 100,000 if all the babies hadn't been killed over this past decade. This past week a man was on his knees on the corner praying openly. He was wearing a tie and business suit. It didn't matter to him that he could rip his pants or lose time in the work day or what it looked like to anyone watching. I am praying the Lord will give me the courage and opportunity to befriend the workers there. It is the love and mercy of the Lord that changes lives, hearts, and eternities. I once was lost, but now I am found. They do not know what they do. Please help me and pray for that opportunity for me and the love that I do not have myself, but that He alone can give.

Tomorrow is Friday....I didn't know....

Vote for my friend....

I have a friend who is a WONDERFUL song writer! She is a SAHM, and has a song that is every mother's theme song at some point. It is called Anywhere But Here. Anyway, she is trying to win a spot on the radio, so if you go to this site: http://www.indieheaven.com/fanfaves.php. Her name is Karen Fisher and she is number 4 right now. You can check her out on her website at www.karenfishermusic.com. She sings and plays the piano with John on the Praise Team at Stonegate. She is a gifted song writer! Anyway, check her out and give her a bunch of stars if you like her!

Thanks...and I promise to get back to blogging soon with LOTS of pics! I just am still trying to keep my head above water with FOUR kids and all the agency stuff! Thanks for checking back from time to time to see if there is anything new! ;)

Seven pounds of bananas.....

lasts exactly 6 days at our house! (See post titled "A Little About Toben" for further explanation!)

All negative!

For once, all negative is a good thing! We got the test results back today on all of Toben's test and he is perfectly healthy! No HIV, Hep B, Hep A, Hep C, anemia, etc, etc. Everything was great! Praise God!

Now we get to start immunizations...not fun! Shots every 6 weeks for six months.

Toben has become an Idol junky! He is so cute. He will not watch cartoons, but when American Idol is on, he is glued to the TV! This is him sitting in a drawer watching American Idol this evening!





He is finally getting used to his new name. When he sees a picture of himself now he says, "Toben!" instead of "Obediah".

All over again!

I am sitting at a coffee shop making a time line of the events of our trip to Liberia. I need it for documentation. Reliving it all over again is almost more than I can take! I am having a hard time typing because of my shaking hands! I keep thinking of Jesus in the temple with the money changers...I wish I could just flip over some tables! I am such a justice person! My black and white brain just doesn't know how to process the injustice done to us or the irrational actions taken by the officials! God help me do this!

Valentines Day....

John and I have never been big Valentine's Day celebrators (is that a word???). But this year, it just seems that I need to mark this day with a few things, in no particular order, that I appreciate about my M.O.G. (aka: Man of God).

1. He shares my love of God! There is no way this man could have put up with all my hair brain ideas if he didn't understand my desire to live a life sold out to God and walking with God in total faith....sometimes stupidity in faith's clothing..... if he didn't share my love of God and desire to honor Him with our lives!

2. We have the same taste in decor. When we met, we had the exact same living room furniture! We both love to decorate, so I am so thankful we share the same taste! I love that he helps me decorate our home and appreciates the time I put into making our home a pretty place to be.

3. He agreed to go from "I only want one child, and she is here" to being a daddy of four very diverse children. Even if he does tell people now that the first years (Callie) and the last years (Ava) were great. But those middle years (Noah and Toben) were a little rough! ha!ha! When you lead the life we live, you have to keep a sense of humor! :)

4. He still loves me and tells me how beautiful I am even though there is more than 50 more pounds of me now than when we met!

5. He is a master handy man! See previous posts for his most recent projects!

6. He is an awesome provider! He has provided for our family in a way that has allowed us to live more than comfortably and me to be able to stay home with our children even when he didn't really see the true value in that (he now is the biggest stay-at-home-mom advocate you will find!)

7. He is a man worthy of my respect. I haven't always valued that part of him. We have had some rocky years where respect didn't come easy because of different issues. But I can proudly and freely say today that I respect him more than any man I know! God has truly blessed me!

8. He loves to curl up in bed with rocky road ice cream and watch home improvement shows with me! :)

9. I fell in love with him when he was playing the piano and fall in love all over again every time he plays! He is a very talented musician and uses those talents to praise God!

10. He has stuck by me for 10 years! That means he is just as committed to me as I am to him! That is a hard thing to find in this world these days. Many of those 1o years have been a struggle because of both of our "issues"! But as we embark on year 11, I can say that I am soooo excited about our future! God is doing a work in us and I know that He will not stop until the work is complete! I pray that He allows us many more years together to complete the work!

I love you, John! Thank you for asking me to be your wife 11 years ago! I would say yes all over again today! I am blessed!

A little about Toben....

Ok, I know I haven't blogged since being home. I have been way overwhelmed with all that has happened with our issues in Liberia and settling into four children. This weekend was the closest I think I have ever come to having a complete nervous break down. Poor John, he just wants me to be happy! Things have been better this week, but still God is working on me to let go and let Him!

Ava has been EXTREMELY jealous, which means I am constantly having to monitor her and Toben. I think Noah has felt a little displaced, so he has had some issues we have dealt with. Nothing extreme, just everyone trying to find their place in the new family dynamics. Callie has been wonderful! She has been a huge help and takes care of Toben like a little mommy! We do have to remind Callie and Noah from time to time that Toben is a human being, not a toy or a pet! He has his own mind to know what he wants to do and when he wants to do it.

Toben (John just didn't like Obadiah enough to leave it, so we are making the transition to Toben) is doing great! I am just amazed! He acts like he has been here his whole life. The only issue we have with him is going to bed, but I don't know of a single little 3/4 year old boy that wants to go to bed! Each night is a little better, tonight there was not fits or crying! He is sleeping through the night for the most part. If he wakes up in the night, he calls for me, so I just have to go in and tell him it is ok and to go back to sleep, and he usually does. If he gets up, he comes and knocks on our door. That cracks me up because our other kids just barge in, but he stands there and knocks! So I always know when it is Toben that is up! :)

Some fun facts about Toben:
*He LOVES bananas! He would eat 10 a day if I let him. I bought 7 pounds yesterday, so we will see how long they last! I have never bought so many bananas in my life!
*He has the best laugh ever! It is a deep belly laugh and he uses it freely! He laughs all the time! There is not build up, just a huge laugh every time he finds something funny or gets tickled!
*When he smiles, his whole face lights up! When he gets really tickled, his nose even gets a dimple in it! ;)
*He plays by hitting! We are working on that. We are having to learn how to interact with his siblings with out hitting. When he gets wound up and is having a lot of fun with them, the hitting starts. He is not being mean, just playful, but he is a stout little guy!
*He is already growing! He is wearing 24 month clothes, but this morning when I put his jeans on him, I noticed they are just almost too short! This after being home just two weeks. That amazes me! They are fed well in the home, but I guess it is just a different nutrition and with a more balanced diet, they just shoot up!
*He freely gives hugs! He is very affectionate which I love but was shocked by because their culture is not one of affection.
*He didn't know how to kiss! He has hugged us from day one, but he hadn't kissed me. I kissed him, of course, and he saw me kissing the other kids and them kissing back. So a few days after being home when I was changing him into his pj's (which always provides opportunity for a wrestling match or tickle fest!) he jumped up and kissed me on the lips! I was so shocked, I think I just stared at him which made him a little nervous. Then I just scooped him up and kissed him right back! He has given them freely since then! But it was so cute! He didn't know what to do with his lips, so he just made the sound that we make when Ava kisses us, but didn't "pucker". Now he is working on the pucker part! It is funny to see him try to figure it out! Just something we take for granted with our other kids.
*He had his first experience with Mexican food this past Sunday. He LOVED it! He will make a great Texan! He picked up the salsa bowl and just started drinking! I had to tell him to put it down and use a chip to eat it or he would have emptied all of our bowls! He put the bowl down, but got out his spoon! :)

I have some precious pictures, and will try to post some of those this weekend. They are not loaded on my computer yet, but I will try to get them on here.
That gives you a little taste of how we are doing. I am just in awe of how God puts the perfect children in the perfect families! He just fits in perfectly with all of us! He even stayed with Nana and Granddad for a few minutes while John and I ran to Target! He was great with it! I just can't say enough about how well he has adapted. He has his moments of fits, but that is good because it shows he is comfortable. But overall, he is a very compliant, fun, energetic little boy! Just perfect!